I am not sure if I should have fully committed to her

[Azote]

1 hour ago, Hardkill said:

Damn it! I can't believe I forgot about this. I still am at a lost on what to do.

Rewatch Leo's dreamkiller series, for a start.

[Faye]

What video(s) does leo touch on this? I've been doing my own thinking on this lately !! 

@Hardkill Are you in love with her ? 

Both long but interesting if you havent seen !!

 

 

[Hardkill]

2 hours ago, Faye said:

What video(s) does leo touch on this? I've been doing my own thinking on this lately !! 

@Hardkill Are you in love with her ? 

Both long but interesting if you havent seen !!

 

 

Yeah, where are those vids, Azote?

Faye, I think I do love her, but I am not sure. I mean I've never been in a real long-term relationship ever before. Though, I do feel so attached to her. She's also great in her personality and we've had little drama so far. My parents have actually gotten to know her and they think that she's really a keeper. I don't know what to do.

Btw, is it cool if we talk through DM?

Edited January 11, 2019 by Hardkill

[Azote]

@Hardkill You get access to this series after registration on actualized.org

It's not about relationships though. It's about limiting beliefs that make you wander in generalisations instead of working on actual strategy to resolve your situation

[Elisabeth]

On 10. 1. 2019 at 1:32 AM, Hardkill said:

Ah I see. So, it's more about how much I honestly want a polyamorous relationship or not. 

1

I have been part of polyamorous communities since 4 years now. Polyamory is real, and it's not just men's thing - quite the opposite, on the polyamory.com forum we observe, that most long-lasting happy relationships are or MFM shape. But it's rare and requiring you to develop advanced relationship skils fast. 

In your case, Hardkill, I can guarantee you're looking into it for all the wrong reasons. Successfully polyamorous people aren't those who don't want to commit fully and wish to sleep around. Successfully polyamorous people usually more like are like "I have a strong bond with so many people, and with some of them, we choose to add touch, but we can take it or leave it" and "I choose partners which are polyamorous too, but I would never ever do something that hurts them, I care about their well-being like my own". 

Ask yourself, how do you feel if

• Your girlfriend i sleeping with some other dude?
• You decide to open up the relationship, and suddenly she has several prospects, while you can't find anyone? (a very common scenario)
• You have to take care of the feelings, likes and dislikes, of not one, but two girlfriends? (the reality, unless you want to leave a trail of woe behind)
• You have a new date tonight that you'd rather have sex with, but you have to tell her first that you already have a partner? and respect when she's all confused or rejects you about that? (That's that honesty you are talking about!)
• Your two partners are in conflict, and you are the one who has to remain calm and impartial and compassionate with both?
• You'd rather have a sex date with your new sweetie tonight, but you have obligations with your old girlfriend or her family? 

If you feel "ugh" about any of these, the polyamorous reality is NOT for you. 

Maybe now you say, "ok, so maybe I'm looking for more open/swinging" type relationship. Still, see point one and two: What if your (hypothetical next one, not this one, since she will hardly agree) girlfriend now has two committed sexual relationships, as women tend to want sometimes? What if he's better in bed then you are? Is it worth the effort to find women who will sleep with you despite your relationship status?

Just do your best to commit for now. If the urge to date or sleep with someone else is irresistible, you break up first. I'm not saying you can never do polyamory, but for now, I'm pretty confident you don't have the skills, and it would blow up into your face. 

Edited January 11, 2019 by Elisabeth

[Hardkill]

21 hours ago, Azote said:

@Hardkill You get access to this series after registration on actualized.org

It's not about relationships though. It's about limiting beliefs that make you wander in generalisations instead of working on actual strategy to resolve your situation

Oh, so anyone who is a forum member can access these vids? 

Yeah, I tend to overthinking on what to do, in almost every area of my life. I have generalized anxiety disorder. However, I am also sensitive to emotional pain, and tend to have more meltdowns than the average person does when something that means a lot to me doesn't go the way I want or wanted it to go.

[Hardkill]

12 hours ago, Elisabeth said:

I have been part of polyamorous communities since 4 years now. Polyamory is real, and it's not just men's thing - quite the opposite, on the polyamory.com forum we observe, that most long-lasting happy relationships are or MFM shape. But it's rare and requiring you to develop advanced relationship skils fast. 

In your case, Hardkill, I can guarantee you're looking into it for all the wrong reasons. Successfully polyamorous people aren't those who don't want to commit fully and wish to sleep around. Successfully polyamorous people usually more like are like "I have a strong bond with so many people, and with some of them, we choose to add touch, but we can take it or leave it" and "I choose partners which are polyamorous too, but I would never ever do something that hurts them, I care about their well-being like my own". 

Ask yourself, how do you feel if

• Your girlfriend i sleeping with some other dude?
• You decide to open up the relationship, and suddenly she has several prospects, while you can't find anyone? (a very common scenario)
• You have to take care of the feelings, likes and dislikes, of not one, but two girlfriends? (the reality, unless you want to leave a trail of woe behind)
• You have a new date tonight that you'd rather have sex with, but you have to tell her first that you already have a partner? and respect when she's all confused or rejects you about that? (That's that honesty you are talking about!)
• Your two partners are in conflict, and you are the one who has to remain calm and impartial and compassionate with both?
• You'd rather have a sex date with your new sweetie tonight, but you have obligations with your old girlfriend or her family? 

If you feel "ugh" about any of these, the polyamorous reality is NOT for you. 

Maybe now you say, "ok, so maybe I'm looking for more open/swinging" type relationship. Still, see point one and two: What if your (hypothetical next one, not this one, since she will hardly agree) girlfriend now has two committed sexual relationships, as women tend to want sometimes? What if he's better in bed then you are? Is it worth the effort to find women who will sleep with you despite your relationship status?

Just do your best to commit for now. If the urge to date or sleep with someone else is irresistible, you break up first. I'm not saying you can never do polyamory, but for now, I'm pretty confident you don't have the skills, and it would blow up into your face. 

I see your point. 

As to answering your questions:

1. I think that I wouldn't mind it if she slept with another.

2. Yeah, I would feel down about that. However, I think I've finally began to crack the code with dating and how the game works after all of these years of trial and error in practice and extensive research like crazy. I just have to keep playing the numbers game and constantly work on my charisma and masculinity.

3. Yeah, I am not sure about how I would be able to handle that. It could at least be a learning experience for me.

4. I think that I would be mentally prepared to handle that. This could also It could at least be a learning experience for me.

5. Same answer as I have for the previous question.

 

[Shadowraix]

On 1/7/2019 at 9:18 AM, Enizeo said:

@Shadowraix Good point. Do you think it is sustainable though? Considering time, your and your partner's emotions and the whole topic of building a family?

I mean, loving someone does not necessarily mean you need to put your dick in them if the results of that are toxic. And I think we agree that often times they can be quite toxic.

Depends on the people. Personally I have no interest to start a family and sustainability doesn't matter to me. I'm in the relationship for the now. If it lasts one day, a week, or a year I can be content with it. 

Yes love does not imply a need to have sex but the beauty and intimate personal bonding sex can bring shouldn't be ignored. It's just one of the many routes love can manifest itself and how love manifests often depends on the individuals.

[Azote]

8 hours ago, Hardkill said:

Oh, so anyone who is a forum member can access these vids? 

Nope. You need separate account for the main website. 

[Pilgrim]

@Hardkill

Relationships and marriage very often do not last for a whole lifetime - yet sometimes they actually do. But in most cases they don't and that is totally normal and understandable. There are multiple reasons as you mentioned. But that doesn't mean that monogamy doesn't work. But you have to be honest to yourself and when you realise that a relationship isn't working anymore, you have to end this relationship. You do not have to stay in ONE relationship for your whole life. Someone mentioned it already "serial monogamy" is what works best for most. Yet many people are afraid to separate, because people in general do not like change and are comfortable. 

[Hardkill]

Alright, then I've believe that I've finally come to the decision of trying out this long-term committed relationship that I am in. After receiving the advice you guys all gave me and having further looked up more about polyamory relationships, I actually don't think that I am really ready for that. Hopefully in the future, after I've gained enough relationship experience in general, I will be ready for an open relationship. Thank you everyone.

[ajasatya]

2 minutes ago, Hardkill said:

Hopefully in the future, after I've gained enough relationship experience in general, I will be ready for an open relationship. Thank you everyone.

no problem, but open relationships are not more advanced than monogamous ones. in fact, the most developed people i've ever seen were either in complete celibacy or fully committed to a monogamous relationship.

[Shin]

17 minutes ago, ajasatya said:

no problem, but open relationships are not more advanced than monogamous ones. in fact, the most developed people i've ever seen were either in complete celibacy or fully committed to a monogamous relationship.

No time to waste, those people have a real career where they put all their soul in it.

Lazy people needs more people to fill the void inside 

[Key Elements]

@Hardkill I kept emphasizing on life purpose because it could be a vehicle to fully self-actualize yourself. It's inclusive of enlightenment and helps you discover and understand yourself, and also love yourself better.

A relationship is not a vehicle! Be careful. 

It's not going to be easy if you don't know what kind of relationship you want. If this is the case, you probably need to work on yourself to discover yourself more.

[Hardkill]

49 minutes ago, ajasatya said:

no problem, but open relationships are not more advanced than monogamous ones. in fact, the most developed people i've ever seen were either in complete celibacy or fully committed to a monogamous relationship.

Well yeah open relationships aren't necessarily more advanced in terms of the type of relationship. However, as @Elisabeth just said, managing an open relationship requires learning advanced relationship skills fast. I even just read a few reliable sources that explained that to be the case. Not to mention, the amount of time I would have to manage with my life for an open relationship, and I suck at time management.

[Hardkill]

17 minutes ago, Key Elements said:

@Hardkill I kept emphasizing on life purpose because it could be a vehicle to fully self-actualize yourself. It's inclusive of enlightenment and helps you discover and understand yourself, and also love yourself better.

A relationship is not a vehicle! Be careful. 

It's not going to be easy if you don't know what kind of relationship you want. If this is the case, you probably need to work on yourself to discover yourself more.

Unfortunately, I can't find the time and money to buy an LP program like Leo's at this point in time. Believe me, I wish I could now, but I don't know how right now.

[Key Elements]

On 15/01/2019 at 2:32 PM, Hardkill said:

Unfortunately, I can't find the time and money to buy an LP program like Leo's at this point in time. Believe me, I wish I could now, but I don't know how right now.

Yes you can. Just start working in some job.  If you like martial arts, find a job related to this. Ask yourself, "how can I get there?" Never say, "I can't." Whatever you think, comes true. The first step is, you might as well train your mind to find good solutions to any problems.

You have time. Save up a little $ if you have to. 

[Spence94]

@Andrey lol. True dat

Edited January 18, 2019 by Spence94