Jordan's Meditation Journal Starting Jan 1 2019

[Jordan]

February 6, 2019

I meditated for an hour in the morning. I felt quite good. I was able to enjoy myself just experiencing my feeling senses. I was a little unhappy when I knew it would be over soon near the end because I wanted to keep sitting there enjoying myself.

I started to listen to The art of Meditation by Alan Watts audio on Youtube. I am 20 min into it. Leo shares a lot of the same ideas but I am understanding the information better from this audio. 

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-TjCZRutOKY

[Jordan]

February 7, 2019

I meditated for 45 min in the morning and 15 min in the evening. I don't remember that much of it. I stopped the first time because I felt emotionally uncomfortable and felt like taking a break.

February 8, 2019

I meditated for an hour today. I started meditating more deeply when I told myself to just surrender control. My muscles relaxed and I felt like I was floating in warm water. I just sat there without expectations and without trying to do anything. It was a nice feeling. I was able to relax much more than when I just focused on feeling the tension in my body and trying to relax using my concentration and willpower. 

[Jordan]

I didn't do my meditation for today yet but I don't have a free hour time this morning and I thought I would right about my previous days before I forget them.

February 9, 2019

I meditated for an hour mid day but i stopped with 4 min left to crack my neck because it was getting really sore and uncomfortable. 

February 10, 2019

I meditated at night for 45 min then cracked my neck and back because I was getting a headache and I could tell it was coming from pain in my neck. I sat down after a short break to finish the hour.

I was thinking a lot about the stock market since I have been making some risky plays which have luckily paid off really well. My portfolio went up around 26% in 2 weeks buying and selling FNGU and FNGD.  It really has made it harder to concentrate when I am risking my money.

February 11, 2019

I meditated late at night right before bed. Today my body felt very hot and uncomfortable after about 30 min of meditating. I had to crack my neck, back and wrists after 35 min. I got up at the 45 min mark to get a glass of water then finished up the hour. It was a really uncomfortable sit. I felt kind of frustrated and agitated and didn't want to sit still. I had to keep swallowing many times and my throat was a little sore. 

[Jordan]

February 12, 2019

I meditated in the evening. My neck was really sore after 7 min so i stopped and massaged my neck for 30 min with a massage ball. I started meditating again and my neck was much better after. I opened my eyes and moved around a bit after about 45 min. The last bit of meditation, it was difficult to sit still.

February 13, 2019

I meditated for an hour this morning. I was able to concentrate much better and was much more comfortable sitting than the last few days. I have found my best meditations sessions in the morning after I eat food and drink some coffee.

Relaxing for the first 2 min went as usual, when concentrating on my hands I was able to focus well. I told myself that it was the most important thing I had to do and I needed to put focusing on my hands as my top priority over anything else. After 10-15 min of focusing on my hands I just let my mind relax and there were less thoughts coming up than normal. I was able to feel into my body and notice really quickly when thoughts come up and I am being pulled into a daydream illusion. Noticing my thought stories weren't real broke the illusion and made it seem unimportant.

[Jordan]

February 14 - 24

Wow I didn't realize it had been so long since I posted anything. I have been sticking to an hour of meditation per day. The last 3 days I sat without moving for the full hour. I have been keeping up the same method of relaxing for 2 min, focusing on the sensation of both my hands for 5-10 min then doing the do nothing technique. Sometimes I realize I have been caught in a day dream then I remind myself to relax, surrender control of my thoughts and appreciate the time I am sitting. 

Today I tried to sit as long as I could and set the timer for 3 hours and lasted 1 hour 23 min. I stopped mostly because I had pain going from beside my tail bone down to the side of my knee and it kept getting worse. I might need to massage and stretch the muscles around my tail bone and leg.

I haven't missed a day yet so I am pretty happy I have been able to keep to at least 1 hour meditation per day since Jan 1st. 31+ 24=55 days so far. I am considering trying the mindfulness with labeling technique but I have enjoyed do nothing so I think I will stick with it a while longer.

 

[Jordan]

Feb25 - March 4 2019

I have been sticking with the do nothing technique for an hour every day. I think tomorrow I will try Mindfulness with labeling instead.

Mindfulness is experiencing reality exactly as it is.

The practice is used to develop:

1. Focus on sensations.

2. Sensory clarity - How clear are you about the raw data you are receiving.

3. Equanimity - Ability to experience a sensation and not react to it in an emotional way.

The instructions are:

1. Note that you have noticed something. (Whatever draws your attention the most.)

2. Label it as inner feeling, outer feeling, inner hearing, outer hearing, inner seeing, outer seeing. 

3. Savor that sensation for about 5-7 seconds.

The first 3 steps should take about 10 seconds.

4. repeat until the time is up

 

 

[Jordan]

March 5, 2019

I sat for 1 hour doing Mindfulness meditation with labeling as described from Leo's video "Mindfulness Meditation - A Complete Guide With Techniques & Examples" and the notes I made from it above.

I used the label feel for outer feel, emotion for inner feel, see for outer see, image for inner see even if it is changing like a movie, hear for outer hear and talk for inner hear. I also use gone if something changes a lot or vanishes. 

This meditation was the most intense one I have had since starting meditating every day. I felt emotions by my heart and about an inch or 2 above my belly button that got very intense at times. They felt like shame, panic, disappointment, shyness, confusion, sadness, loss, fear, determination and the feeling like when you make fun of yourself in a joking way. I ate some spicy food yesterday and I felt pain from sitting right on my butt hole which rose in a huge wave of pain at times and was accompanied by a racing heart and emotions like panic and shame.

There was a lot less inner talk this time than when doing "Do Nothing."

Especially the last 15 min felt like I might not be able to take the intense sensations any longer but I just reasoned to myself that it is more beneficial and make the most gains when successfully practicing mindfulness with strong sensations.  

It was really uncomfortable and I am glad it is over but I look forward to doing it again tomorrow

[Jordan]

March 6, 2019

I sat for an hour this morning doing the mindfulness with labeling technique. The time went by really quickly. I was surprised when the alarm went off that it had been an hour already. 

The way I have been doing the technique is I focus on and savor the most obvious sensation for 2 breaths and say the label in my head at the beginning of every breath. If it is still there and there is nothing else that draws my attention I focus on it for another 2 breaths. If I notice something else as I am in the middle, I focus on it at the same time with about 20% attention on the new thing and switch to it after the 2 breaths are done.

I did not feel as much intensity of pain and emotion as yesterday so it was a nice break. My left leg felt a fair amount of pain going down it which has been common for me. I really think I need to massage it and my whole body more since I have really tight muscles throughout my legs and whole body.

I felt an emotional sensation by my solar plexus that I didn't get yesterday. It happened when I thought something negative about myself or something I should do that I know I  shouldn't then felt that it wasn't true. I forget what the thought was. I think the emotion was pride or anger or something.

Internal talk was uncommon other than that labels. 

[Jordan]

March 7, 2019

I meditated for an hour this morning. It was a pretty calm session. The insides of my legs were sore and tight from exercising so I sat in a little bit different position and my leg hurt a lot less in this position so that was nice. I had more inner talking than the last 2 days but not too much. My mind seemed to want to jump from one sensation to the next at a faster rate than the last 2 days.

I had a vivid dream last night about my girlfriend and her kids going to my friend's cabin for Canada day. I woke up a few times and I knew I was dreaming or questioned whether I was dreaming a few of my dreams. In one I could tell I was in a dream so I kissed some random girl. In another I thought I was in a dream and I stared and this guy sitting at a table for a while and his face turned into my dad's face. I kept staring and he turned back. It has something to do with a card game they were playing. I have been having dreams in the last few weeks but forgetting them soon after I wake up.

[Jordan]

March 8, 2019

I did an hour of mindfulness meditation with labeling today. I got lost in thought a bit more than the previous days, I itched a few itches probably after 45 min mark. I looked at the time with around 7 min left. I also stopped labeling a few times to try to feel into some sensations but I think I should stick to labeling every breath to help me stay on task. I did not feel as strong emotions as the first time but I still ended up moving a few times and checking the clock for some reason. I'll set an intention to be more disciplined in my practice tomorrow right before I start meditating.

I had a dream last night that I almost forgot in the morning but then I thought about it when I was in the shower so I remember it now. In the dream I was working in a grocery store in part stocking the shelves and organizing stuff. I also went for a run by the elementary school I went to and saw kids swinging on swings that went about 3 times as high as normal. I was also almost run over by a vehicle that was similar to a golf cart before seeing swings. The dream wasn't as vivid as the night before. 

[Jordan]

March 9, 2019

I meditated for an hour this morning. I remembered to set my intention of being more disciplined and it seemed to help. I cracked my neck once and opened my eyes briefly during the last min. I think I forgot to mention I have been doing mindfulness meditation eyes closed. I was more focused today than yesterday. I seem to be aware of more things going on and have a sense that my experience is constantly changing and a single moment is much more complicated than words or memories can communicate very accurately. It makes me want to meditate more so I can tune into the present experience more fully.

I had a dream last night where I saw my boss from a year ago at a place similar to subway and he asked me if I wanted to come back to work and I think I avoided answering or said I was somewhat interested. He had a new tattoo on his face with 3 words but i didn't read the words. One was on his forehead one between his nose and mouth and one below his mouth. I think there was more to the dream but I forget it now. 

 

Edited March 11, 2019 by Jordan

[Jordan]

March 10, 2019

I meditated for around 45 min in the morning and finished the last 15 min in the evening. I stopped because I felt like I needed to stop for some reason. I did end up having to go drive and pick something up which I had forgotten. I got lost in thoughts and forgot to keep labeling several times. I kept having a train of thought about what beliefs are and how they are often not true but they effect your perception so much.

I had a sex dream last night which has been the first that I can remember having in years. The vivid taste, emotions and images come up when I try to remember the dream similar quality but not the same amount of information/sensations as if I remember last time I was in bed with my girlfriend.

[Jordan]

March 11, 2019

I meditated for 30 min in the morning soon after waking up without eating breakfast first. It was really hard to focus and did not go very well so I stopped.

I did an hour of meditation from 5-6pm which went really well. I was able to focus really well. I didn't get lost in thought much and my body was really comfortable sitting for the hour. I did feel some uncomfortable emotions but I didn't consider stopping and only wondered how much time is left a few times which is usually a common thought.

I had forgotten my dream in the morning but after thinking about what it was for a while it all came back to me like a flood. I has hiding from a group of 2 or 3 people and they found me hiding behind something in the dark and took me as a hostage at gun point. I had to walk along with them until I woke up. 

[Jordan]

March 12, 2019

I meditated for 38 min at around 5pm then took a nap and did the last 22 min after. I stopped because I was getting a headache and cracked my neck so it would feel better and used that as an excuse to stop.

The 22 min meditation session went really well. I tried focusing just on inner talk and images when a thought came up I would say talk or image. If no thought or image came up I would just say what I was focusing on usually feel or hear while still listening intently for a thought to come up. When I noticed anything close to a word or image I said the label as quickly as possible and savored the memory of it. It made me focus in a lot more than usual and I think I can make some insights on how my thoughts work and improve my ability to be more aware of them if I continue doing this.

[Jordan]

March 13, 2019

I meditated for an hour this morning starting at around 9:30am. I did mindfulness meditation with labels where I paid special attention to inner talk and images trying to be aware of them as they appear.

It seems a lot of times I realize I had some inner talk a few seconds after it already happened and I am looking at the memory of what happened. It is really hard to be aware of it as it is happening. It is like the thought is outside of my awareness but it is still picked up in my memory. It seemed like I was sitting for much longer than an hour. My focus was better and I stayed on task without getting lost in stories better than usual even though I got drowsy at times and my head nodded forward a few times due to sleepiness. 

I felt a lot off worry come up. I can feel into my emotions a lot more easily and feel them more clearly since I started mindfulness meditation on March 5th. I can also more aware of the thoughts and beliefs that caused the emotion to come up although it is just a small improvement.

[Jordan]

March 14-17, 2019

I meditated these 4 days doing mindfulness meditation with labels for an hour per day. I have been having trouble sitting still compared to before. Today I got a phone call 40 min in. I was doing well before that but I had trouble sitting still afterwords. My motivation to meditate has taken a little hit since it has been a bit uncomfortable but I plan to continue with the same practice for 1 hr per day.

[Jordan]

March 18, 2019

I put off meditation until 10:30pm right before I went to bed. I checked the time with 17 min left. My focus was ok considering I was tired and it was right before bed. 

March 19, 2019

I meditated for an hour 12-1pm  without moving. I got lost in thought a few times which is typical but didn't beat myself up about it or anything I just kept going on with the technique. My emotions were changing a lot sometimes feeling very happy or bored or disappointed. It was pretty enjoyable today. I think at around 12pm seems like a good time for me to meditate as long as I am not too busy then.

[Zigzag Idiot]

7 hours ago, Jordan said:

I checked the time with 17 min left.

I've had to work against this tendency myself. So I've practiced being more mindful when I start the timer and know for sure that it started. This has seemed to help some. I had to work with this issue a few months ago. I always have plenty of thoughts to let go of and daydreams to get out of.

Ive developed the habit of 'taking a snapshot' right when the timer goes off ending the Centering Prayer Meditation. The snapshot telling me if I was daydreaming, in the middle of letting go of thought, or in objectless awareness. 

I appreciate reading about your observations and techniques.  It reminds and helps me with my practices.

 

[Jordan]

Hey @Zigzag Idiot Thanks for the comment. I am glad what I have written has helped you a bit. Writing out a journal defiantly helps me keep on track with meditating every day and remember insights I had. I have read some of your journal and others I saw on meditation for some motivation and ideas too. 

I do know every time 100% for sure the timer is going. I did have trouble a couple years ago I sometimes didn't know if the timer was on or not. One time it really wasn't on which was kind of annoying. Now I start the timer with 1 hr 1 min so I have a minute to get settled and watch the timer count down a few seconds before placing it down and placing my hands on my lap. 

The last 3 months I have been checking the time sometimes because I move and then use that as an excuse to check the time. A lot of times I move unconsciously. I will crack my neck or bend forward and tense up and stretch my back muscles without consciously doing it when my attention is elsewhere. Occasionally I move because my knee or back is in pain so I want to take a break.

I will have to remind myself before meditating that failing to keep still is not an valid excuse to check the timer. I'll try to just accept I might move sometimes and go back to meditating asap. 

[Jordan]

March 20, 2019

I started meditating at 5pm. I was very tired and was nodding off many times and not spending much of my time labeling because I was getting lost in thought so much. I decided to stop after half an hour and try again later. I finished the hr off at 11:30pm and I was a lot less sleepy and could pay attention more

March 21, 2019

I started meditating at 1pm. It was going well then my girlfriend texted me after 15 min to play a game on my phone with her. I finished the last 45 min at around 4pm.

My back was sore but the pain didn't increase much after the first few min. I think i tweaked it lifting some boxes yesterday. I did open my eyes 3 times and cracked my neck once during the 45 min. I was feeling restless and didn't want to sit still. I went back to meditating quickly and didn't check the time at least.