Jordan's Meditation Journal Starting Jan 1 2019

[Jordan]

This year I plan to meditate every day for 1 hour. I have been meditating off and on for around 5 years but have never done it consistently for more than about a month. I will update the journal at least once a week and probably more when starting out. I want to write this journal to help me stay on track. 

Today is January 2, 2019. Yesterday and today I sat for 1 hour in the morning from around 7am-8am.

The method I used was:

1. I sit on a meditation cushion that is on top of a pillow that is on my bed, I sit cross legged in a way that I try to keep my legs from falling asleep. I put covers and a pillow on my lap so i can rest my arms. 

2. For the first 5-10 min I take a deep breaths focusing on relaxing my jaw as a breath out, then I add in relaxing my shoulders, arms hands stomach legs and feet. I do my best to sit up straight without bending to one side.

3. When I am ready to move on I feel into my heart and stomach to see if I am feeling any emotions there and just watch what sensations come up. When i notice I am distracted by thinking I think to myself "thoughts are imagination, this is real" referring to the sensations that I am feeling in that moment and go back to feeling slowly through my body and focusing on any sensations that stand out. Sometimes I will switch to focusing on sounds or temperatures, pressures, pains , my heartbeat, my breath, my current body position or everything at once. 

Usually after 30-45 min I feel very uncomfortable and sometimes have to stand up or lie down in bed but I quickly sit back up and begin again. As I continue meditating consistently for a month or so I expect to be able to sit through the full hour the majority of the time even if it is unpleasant at the 45 min mark.

I am looking forward to having this become a habit for me. The benefits I have found in the past doing meditation include:

-becoming less stressed

-feeling more positive emotions 

-enjoying everything I do more such as going for a walk, driving my car, working and spending time with my girlfriend.

I hope to continue this list as I continue meditating consistently.

 

-Jordan-

 

Edited January 2, 2019 by Jordan

[Jordan]

On January 3rd I woke up really late because I tried to go to bed early then I woke up before midnight and couldn't sleep for several hours. I didn't get around to meditating in the morning and procrastinated until around 8pm i did my hour of meditation.

At the 50 min mark i looked at the timer, removed my timer and squeezed my legs to my chest. I was getting way too hot under the covers. My room is around 21 degrees but it felt like my feet, butt and balls were way too hot like they were sitting in a hot tub for 20 min. After a few min i sat back down normally without the covers and finished the hour.

I fell asleep soon after at around 9pm without brushing my teeth for some reason and woke up at 11pm feeling like my dream lasted several days. I fell asleep eventually to wake up at 2am.

On January 4th, i got up at 2am since I couldn't sleep, had some coffee, watched some YouTube, then meditated from 4:30am-5:30am and fell asleep again afterwards until 9:30am.

I meditated for the whole hour without moving this time. This is the first time I have done that during this challenge. I will keep a counter of how many times I can meditate for an hour+ without moving. I was feeling very good when I found out that if I lean back just a tiny bit more than usual my lower back pain goes away. I was feeling great for the first 40 min or so then I heard a train in the distance and I started to feel disappointment for some reason. There was one point where I felt uncomfortable and started tensing up so that I wouldn't move. Then I reminded myself that my emotions won't cause me to move if I pay attention so I relaxed my muscles and just focused on the sensation in my heart, kept alert and watched it fade away. 

Unmoving count: 1

[Jordan]

January 5

This morning I meditated from 7am-8am. I kept getting carried away in thoughts thinking about the stock market, a video game I have been playing and whether I was sitting properly or worrying about back pain. My back started twitching when i tried sitting up straight but it was fine after a few min. I felt an emotion that felt like dread that was moderately powerful for about 1 min but it went away quickly when i got alert since I didn't want to move. I sat without moving the whole time which wasn't very hard today maybe because I was lost in thought for longer than usual. I think I had trouble focusing because I was sleepy.

Unmoving count: 2

 

[Jordan]

January 6, 2019

I have been having trouble sleeping since starting meditating. Usually I can sleep 9 hours without trouble if i don't set my alarm. Tonight i slept from 12:00am to 3:30am I eventually got up at around 5am, showered and meditated from around 6am-7am then fell asleep after until around 10. I also have been having very vivid dreams.

Some dreams I had in the last week were:

-I was Floky from the show Vikings. I wandered through the dessert for several days. I was so hungry and thirsty until I found a small village. The village was pissed off that I showed up because they didn't normally let in outsiders but eventually decided to let me stay and have a little food and water but I had to take 3 puffs of this long rolled joint which put me into a trance. After i felt my mind and body relax and the guy that passed me the joint smiled and say I might need to sit down for a while. I just sat there crossed legged without any thoughts, mind just grey until i woke up. 

-In one I was in a school and having to hide from terrorists. I went through the vents to different rooms. 

-One was about my brother telling me a story about how his friend threw a birthday party for him that was going to cost $1 million dollars but then he got stopped by a rival gang of my brother's friend and they had to shoot at them and run away through people's back yards over fences and stuff.

Today I meditated from 6am-7am, I didn't move the whole time which was really hard today. Now I understand why it can be called strong determination sitting when sitting for an hour+. I had to stay very determined not to get up. I felt loneliness which was not completely unbearable but it felt pretty bad and lasted probably 20-30 min. Also my butt where i am sitting on the cushion on one spot felt very hot and irritated like the skin was being stretched a lot from sitting on it. I had trouble right from the beginning focusing on relaxing or specific parts of my body but feeling everything at once seemed easier today and my thoughts were not as active as yesterday when I tried that.

Unmoving count: 3

 

 

Edited January 6, 2019 by Jordan

[Jordan]

January 7, 2019

I finally slept through the night 11pm-7am. I had more vivid dreams one of an ocean of lava that I had to cross because there was a steep rock face behind me but my boat was destroyed by the lava. The tide eventually went out and i could pass. Another I was walking along a dirt road and heard a group of people coming up behind me so I hid behind some bushes and waited for them to pass. Another time 2 tigers that broke out of a cage and attacked someone but a 3rd tiger jumped out and stopped them then they all transformed into people.

I meditated 8am-9am. I opened my eyes once for a second because I remembered that I forgot to go to the bank and I needed to pay someone this morning. Other than that i just sat there. Nothing out of the ordinary happened. My mind was pretty busy. It was very similar to yesterday.

 

 

[Jordan]

January 8 - January 14

I meditated an hour every day at all different times of day. 3 days I sat unmoving. I went for a trip with some friends for the weekend. I managed to sneak some meditation in when people weren't doing much. I have been sleeping better but staying up late on the trip. My dreams have not been as vivid as before. My back doesn't hurt as much as it did in the beginning. My right knee has been sore after sitting for a while in the half lotus. I might try adjusting my leg position tomorrow.

Unmoving Count: 6

[Jordan]

January 15, 2019

I did my hour of meditation today. I sat cross legged instead of the half lotus that I usually do. My Achilles Tendon got sore because it what what i was resting my leg on it. My knee felt much better though. I started meditating at around 4pm. I got texted during my meditation and moved a couple times to check it.

January 16, 2019

I meditated 4-5pm again. I got phoned 40 minutes in and finished the rest after. I sat cross legged with my right shin resting on my left food instead of the Achilles Tendon like yesterday and it was much more comfortable. I felt like I could sit like that for much longer than in the half lotus. I had some dreams last night but they seemed normal and not vivid like the dreams I has when I first started meditating. I will try to get up early to meditate when I can turn my phone off and concentrate on meditating.

I forgot to mention last week I learned the Wim Hof "ice man" breathing method where you breath in deep quickly and let the breath go without forcing it 30-40 times then hold your breath with the air let out of your lungs for as long as you can then breath in and hold for 15 seconds and do 3-4 round of that. I learned that if a breath out by relaxing my diaphragm it is much easier to relax my body during meditation. 

I don't think I mentioned I do cold showers every morning after my normal warm shower for 1-2 min. Doing the breathing method before makes it painless I think because you are a bit lightheaded and more numb from hyperventilating. I have cold hands and have not found that the breathing method has helped warm them yet though I only tried it a couple times. I might start trying doing the breathing in the morning before I get out of bed.

[Jordan]

January 17, 18 and 19, 2019

I meditated 1 hour per day. I wasn't able to get up early enough to meditate int he morning and meditated at around 4 or 6pm sometimes taking 1 break in the middle. I didn't end up doing the Wim Hof breathing method like I had planned to. I think it was because I didn't sleep well and would rather sleep in than do that.

January 20, 2019

I watched 3 of Leo's video on the do nothing technique, strong determination sitting and concentration vs meditation videos. This is the new meditation Technique I have been using after watching those:

1: I sit with my left leg in font of my right leg both lying flat on my bed. I still sit on a cushion that is on a pillow that is on my bed.

2: I spend 2 min breathing in a little deeper than normal then relaxing my diaphragm to let the air out and at the same time relaxing my whole body except the back muscles I need to remain seated straight up. I focus on relaxing my jaw, face, shoulders, chest, arms, hands, legs, belly, butt, feet.

3: Then i concentrate as hard as I can on a sensation of a point I feel like focusing on somewhere my 2 hands are touching for about 10 min. 

4. Then I spend the rest of the time accepting everything that comes up and lightly focusing on my body position so that I do not move. I do my best to not manipulate my mind and just manipulate my body to remain relaxed and still. Just accept and feel into any strong sensations, pain or discomfort that come up for the rest of the time.

last night I went to bed at 11:30pm,  I woke up at 4am and couldn't fall sleep so at around 5am I did the Wim Hof breathing method, took my cold shower, ate some food and had some coffee then did an hour of meditation. A notification distracted me (not sure why I didn't put my phone on sleep mode) and I got really tired during it and fell asleep when I was done.

I wasn't happy with the meditation so after I woke up I decided to set my timer for 2hr and see how long I could sit without moving. I sat for 1 hr 12 min 30 sec without moving. This is my personal record. I think I will try every Sunday to sit for 2 hours and increase my time once I complete that a few times. During this sit I started to get waves of pain on my scrotum like the skin was being slowly sliding across sand paper. The pain would come in a wave for a few seconds then go away for 5 seconds or so over and over. I was able to feel like I completely relaxed my body while still sitting straight up and just accept the pain as it came to me as much as I could. Eventually it was too much and i stopped. After lying down that sore area felt just slightly irritated but was fine. 

Unmoving count: 7

[Jordan]

January 21, 2019

I meditated 1 hour. I meditated around 45 min in the morning then 15 min later on in the day. I am not sure why I stopped. I couldn't stop myself from getting up and stopping my meditation.

January 22, 2019

I sat for 1 hour in the morning without moving. I felt pretty good for the first part and I was uncomfortable for the last 10 min. My legs felt pain going down them but there were no pins and needles. I was sitting further up on  my butt which was less painful than Sunday's 1 hr 12 min sit 2 days ago. 

Unmoving Count: 8

 

[Jordan]

January 23, 2019

I meditated for 45 min starting at 12pm then felt so tired I felt like I couldn't go on and then took a nap. I did another 15 min later on trying keeping my eyes open to see if I will be less tired. I found it really hard not to move my eyes around. My eyes felt sore keeping them in one spot. I'll still use the same eye closed technique tomorrow and try my best even if I am tired. 

 

[Jordan]

January 24, 2019

I meditated 52 min then after a short break stared at my right hand for 8 min. I didn't sleep well  last night. I fell asleep at 2am and woke up at around 8am, meditated starting at 9am. I did not feel too tired during meditation today.  I think it is because I set my intention on not allowing myself to take a nap or stop because of being tired.

[Jordan]

January 25, 2019

I meditated the full hour without moving. I started falling asleep and jolted awake maybe 5 times but I kept sitting and didn't use it as an excuse to stop which I was happy about. 

January 26, 2019

I meditated an hour without moving the 2nd day in a row. I felt pain in my back most of the time which I haven't had recently. It might be because I exercised today and did some pull ups.

I have still been doing the technique where I relax my muscles for 2 min, i focused on my heart today for 10 min then did the do nothing technique for the rest of the time. Focusing on my heart made me feel pain in my heart after about 5 min. The same thing happened before a few times when i focused on the point between my eyebrows I got a headache which felt like it was getting exponentially worse as time went on until I stopped focusing there and it went away after a few min. I will focus on something else to keep any issues coming up from my head or heart. I am not sure what is going on with that.

Unmoving Count: 10

[Jordan]

January 27, 2019

Today is Sunday so I decided to see how long I could sit. I set my timer for 3hr this time. I ended up sitting for 1 hr 35 min 20 sec which is a new record for me. I wasn't extremely uncomfortable when I stopped but I was a little concerned about my knees and one of me feet being really sore. It took a couple min to just straighten my legs and lie down. My knees and foot felt fine after an hour or so. I am pretty sure I would have been fine physically if I kept going for the full 3 hours but I am not sure. I think I will set my timer for 2hr next time and slowly work my way up so I don't have to worry about getting injured.  

I did about 2 min of relaxing my muscles, 10 min focusing on both my hands and the rest of the time I was doing the do nothing technique. I seem to be getting better at accepting things and catching myself when I am trying to manipulate my thoughts or emotions. 

Unmoving Count: 11

[Jordan]

January 28, 2019

I did another hour sit without moving. I felt really good today. during some points I felt frustrated and that I should do some work and clean my place but I didn't take the thoughts or emotions seriously. My knees felt better today than yesterday.

Unmoving Count: 12

[Jordan]

January 29, 2019

I sat for an hour without moving this morning. It wasn't difficult today. My knees felt fine. I could straighten them pretty quickly afterwards.  I didn't feel many strong emotions. I got lost in thought a few times but most of the time i was just sitting there feeling my body, thinking about how to do the do nothing technique and describing to myself how the meditation is going. Near the end I tried focusing my attention on my thoughts but as they started to come up they got cut off when i focused on them. I would only get half of a word then the thought would disappear. I could just feel myself alert waiting for any image or thought to come up then try to hear or see it as clearly as possible but it would only be half a word or a flash of an image then be gone. That was kind of interesting to me. I will try that next time I meditate and see what happens.

Unmoving Count: 13

[Jordan]

January 30, 2019

I sat for an hour without moving. That makes 6 in a row without moving I think :D. I felt fine today meditating not feeling many strong emotions. One time I felt angry but realized I was just angry at a thought about something that happened a long time ago and didn't matter anymore and it went away almost instantly. By the end my knees and back were a little sore but I could have kept going much longer. I did about 2 min of relaxing my muscles on the exhale, 10 min focusing on my hands, 10 min trying to focus on my thoughts as they come up then the rest of the time I did the do nothing technique. I got a song stuck in my head that was annoying for a while then I decided I didn't want to listen to it anymore and I stopped it by imagining that it was being squished into nothing and disappeared. I knew I wasn't supposed to control my thoughts but I did anyways for that. 

Unmoving count: 14

[Jordan]

January 31, 2019

I meditated for an hour without moving this evening.  I was comfortable the whole time but kept getting lost in thought and when I was aware that I was sitting down meditating I would get lost in thought 15 seconds later. It felt difficult to feel into my body like I was a little numb. I completed the first month 1hr+ per day without missing a single day.  

It is much easier physically and mentally for me to be able to sit for an hour. I found a sitting position that is comfortable for me, my back is stronger and my knees are more flexible. I think this is good improvement. I hope I can increase my ability to focus a lot more in the coming months.

Unmoving count: 15

[Jordan]

February 1, 2019

I meditated for an hour without moving today. I got lost in thought a few times but I could focus better today than yesterday. The time seemed to go by really quickly. I am not going to keep track on the unmoving count since this is 8 in a row and it hasn't been difficult for me lately. 

[Jordan]

February 2, 2019

I meditated in the evening for an hour without moving. It went similar to the previous days

February 3, 2019

This was a Sunday. I meditated for an hour 15 min in the morning then 1 hour in the evening. I think from now on I will meditate for 3 hours on Sundays and do it in 1-3 sessions. Forcing myself to do sits longer than an hour seems to make the hour sits much easier and more enjoyable. 

February 4, 2019

I meditated 1 hour mid day. This was the first time in a while I had trouble doing 1 hour at a time. I felt agitated and annoyed at myself for not getting any work done on the weekend or so far this morning. I was able to remain seated which I think comes from knowing I have done it so many times before. I guess I'll have to get some work done today so I am not feeling so bad about it tomorrow.

 

[Jordan]

February 5, 2019

I meditated for an hour in the morning. I watched Leo's video yesterday about what God is and was thinking about it during the meditation. I felt some strange emotions wondering if the stuff he said is true and if I understand what he is meaning. 

It sort of makes sense that there is no such thing as just a body by itself without the whole universe around it. There is nothing that is separate from the universe. It is all 1 thing. Difference and separation between things are just a concepts used to understand and predict outcomes but not actually a real experience. What reality is, is just the single ongoing present experience. Objective physical reality is just a concept that is part of your perceptions instead of your perceptions coming about because of an objective reality. I am not sure if it changes anything either way but it is a really different perspective to see things from and makes me think I might have been looking at reality backwards.

Edited February 5, 2019 by Jordan