Whicky-Whacky

[Privet]

Main topic of my previous journal was NoFap, I exhausted it and I want to start a new one, just to unload ruminations of my mind time to time.

Watched couple of videos of Ken Wilber. I would call what he talks about there a Spiral Imbalance - a lack of integration of previous Stages of the Spiral.

What does lack of integration really mean? It means that you identify with some behaviors and beliefs of the previous Stages, meaning that you consider it normal and "how things should be". You can overgrow those traits of the previous Stages by becoming aware of them and by disidentifying, but I'll address this process later.

First I want to give some examples of those repressed subpersonalities:

Purple. On this Stage main concerns are survival and safety. In the modern world this Stage mostly manifests itself in infants. Possible repressed legacy and manifestations:

• Oral fixation/neediness: when a mother feeds her kid he feels loved, cared and protected, but at some point it's time to separate from her and if this process goes wrong for some reason the kid suppresses his needs instead of overgrowing them and it becomes hidden infant subpersonality, meaning that you feel like an infant inside and are not aware of that. In adult life it manifests as the desire to be completed by the love of other people, low self-esteem, or addictions as a mean to satisfy the suppressed need for love by other sources of pleasure.
• Anxiety: I have a good example in my own development, when I was little kid (1-2 yo) my father accidentally dropped stroller with me inside when he was going up the ladder, in that age it's life and death situation so I couldn't handle the amount of stress, repressed my feelings and now in my adult life I can get easily anxious in situations that are not really threatening. The need for safety wasn't properly satisfied and transcended during that Stage.
• Indecisiveness and lack of assertiveness: this one comes from separation issues, when a toddler learns to crawl he would crawl couple meters and look back at his mother, if she follows him with her look he feels safe and crawls some more, then looks back again and so on. If mother doesn't pay attention on him his ability to become independent safely vanishes and he becomes afraid to explore the world by himself.
• Sexual repression: at some point kids explore their testicles and if during this process parents don't let them to do so it may result in sexual repression in adult age.

Beige. On this Stage main concerns are bonding with people, trust and cooperation. I would say that mostly this stage manifests itself in kids below the age of puberty. Possible repressed legacy and manifestations:

• Social anxiety/pathological agency/trust issues/attachment issues: if your caregivers don't treat you well you don't satisfy the need for trust and later in life you expect other people to treat you bad even if it is not the case.
• Fear of asking for help/unhealthy independence: if your caregivers often refuse to help you you learn that it's not OK to ask for help and become afraid to do so when you need it or have problems with accepting help when people offer it to you.
• Selfishness: if you try to do something good to your caregivers and they don't appreciate it you learn that giving is not a good behavior.
• Blaming yourself for suffering of others: if your parents always treat you poorly when they are in wrong mood you start to believe that happiness of others depends on you and become people pleaser.

Red. On this Stage main concerns are domination, superiority and adoration. I guess mostly it manifests itself in early puberty in blue and orange societies, most of bullying happens during this age. Possible repressed legacy and manifestations:

• Winner subpersonality/narcissism: for example, if your father always dominates you and never lets you win or expresses his adoration you repress the need for superiority and try to always overcompete everyone and be the best despite possible damages.
• Douchebag subpersonality/poor boundaries/passive-aggressive behavior: if your parents don't let you express anger and just generally don't let you express yourself emotionally you can become very timid and start to tolerate bullshit of others that shouldn't be tolerated.

Blue. On this Stage main concerns are order, goodness and saintliness. Possible repressed legacy and manifestations:

• Contro freak subpersonality: unproductive obsession with control and order.
• The preacher: telling everyone what is right and what is wrong.
• Black and white thinking: nuff said.
• Saint subpersonality: always be good, don't hurt anyone, don't embarrass yourself, don't do shameful things (hello another chunk of repressed sexuality).

Orange. On this Stage main concerns are achievement, prosperity and status. Possible repressed legacy and manifestations:

• Achiever subpersonality: keep achieving even if it takes sacrificing your health or work your stupid highly payed high status job that you hate.
• Materialism: who gives a fuck about anything that doesn't bring material results?
• Rationalism: why caring about others unless it brings some gain for me?

Green. On this Stage main concerns are fairness, mutual respect and compassion. Possible repressed legacy and manifestations:

• Idiot compassion: feminine compassion in cases that require masculine one.
• Useless negotiations: trying to negotiate with dysfynctional/underdeveloped elements instead of metacommunicating.

Now to the disidentifying part. First thing that you need to do to disidentify from some sort of the Spiral Legacy is to identify it, it takes observation of your patterns of thoughts and behavior and ideally input from other more developed folks like therapists, friends, spiritual teachers, coaches. I think the most problematic parts are from purple to red, because the earlier the stage - the more deeply it's ingrained in your unconsciousness.

A good technique I've learned from some psychodynamic therapy video that can be used to overgrow your patterns involves ridiculing these traits in yourself in a kind manner. Here are couple examples:

• Neediness: imagine yourself like you're an infant and say something like "where is my mommy? where did she go? please complete me! feed me! mommy!".
• Trust issues: EVERYONE IS A FRAUD! OH GOD THEY WANT TO FOOL ME! EVERYONE WANTS TO GAIN SOMETHING FROM ME! THEY MANIPULATE ME! JESUS YOU CAN'T TRUST ANYONE THESE DAYS! I'M GONNA BE ALONE FOREVER AND NEVER TRUST ANYONE! I WILL LIVE IN SOME CAVE FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE!
• The preacher: YOU DO THIS THIS WAY! LISTEN TO ME! HEY! THIS IS THE RIGHT WAY AND THE ONLY WAY! EVERYBODY LISTEN TO ME I'M A PROPHET! I KNOW IT ALL! THIS IS HOW IT WORKS! DON'T YOU EVEN ARGUE WITH ME! I'M AN ABSOLUTE AUTHORITY! I WANT EVERYBODY TO LISTEN TO ME! SAY WHAT I SAY! DO WHAT I DO! THINK WHAT I THINK! I'M SO FUCKING RIGHT!
• Achiever subpersonality: FAME! FAME! SUCCESS! STATUS! GAIN! MORE! I WANT MORE! BETTER RESULT! MORE SIGNIFICANCE! I WANT TO BECOME THE MOST SIGNIFICANT FUCKER IN THE UNIVERSE DESPITE THE FACT THAT THIS PLANET WILL GET BURNED BY THE SUN!

I guess you get the idea, it's important to distinguish what I have just described from judgement, judgement of some of this traits in yourself will only lead to more repression so you need to ridicule it in the kind way, because this is how you overgrow outdated perspective, not because someone told you to do so, but because you start to realize how silly and meaningless it is to hold onto this view.

Edited January 3, 2019 by Privet

[Privet]

I guess I have a new theory of the causes of my health problems and depression.

Lets list some interesting facts.

In the beginning of winter of 2017 I once put a warmer on the bottom of my abdomine because I thought that it can help me with irritated prostate/urethra due to porn addiction. It gave me an overwhelming sense of relief. I did that one more time and one more. Since that time my body temperature started to raise time to time to 37C. Right after the last warmer use I had a hypertensive crisis and had to call the ambulance. It seemed that something inflamed inside in my reproductive system and I went to the hospital. Therapist thought it's bladder inflammation and gave me antibiotics, it helped, I thought OK, good, but high body temperature didn't go away.

After a new year I relapsed my NoFap after 22 days and had an incredibly terrifying emotional release followed by 35 hours of insomnia and crippling anxiety on the edge of psychosis, I managed to fall asleep and then woke up in a state that felt almost like coma. I remember my mother calling me and I could barely keep the conversation, I was so disoriented that I didn't even feel like I'm a human, more like a rat in the sea of corpses several miles under the ground in a giant bubble of air drowning in silence so deadly deafening that I couldn't hear the voice of my mind.

Couple weeks later I asked my friend to keep me accountable for waking up in time, we lasted a week or so and I was sleeping only 3-4 hours a day, then at some point I tried slow breathing to calm myself down and fall asleep and had a panic attack that was so intense that I had to call an ambulance again, I had blood pressure like something/180. After that insomnia became even worse, I was constantly in a state of "jezz, I'm gonna die, I'm gonna fucking die, what the fuck is happening to me?" and started checking various theories on what the fuck can that be. I tested vitamin B12 and got injections of it, because symptoms really reminded of huge deficiency of it, but the test shown that my B12 is in normal range. Then I went to the doctor in the state hospital, he tested my blood for various stuff and we found nothing but slightly hightened lymphocytes. Then I independently tested thyroid hormones, THS, T3, T4 and antibodies for hypo/hyperthyroidism and here's a link that I ignored at that time due to my skeptical therapist, the link is that I had borderline level of my T4 which was 18/19.

While I was running with all that medical shit I had an occasional pain in my left ball. I have read somewhere that NoFappers often get that and didn't make a problem out of it. Recently I felt discomfort in the ball again, tried to palp it and it seems that I have varicocele. Veins on my left ball are larger than veins on my right ball.

Now lets connect the dots.

Varicocele can disturb production of testosterone, disturbance in testosterone level can cause disturbance in thyroid hormones and both testosterone and thyroid hormones can cause depression and anxiety, my coma-like state was also reminding of the symptoms of thyrotoxicosis. Warmer could participate in the inflammation of the veins that lead to the ball.

When I worked as a tourist guide this summer I smoked a pack of cigarettes a day and one day my colleague offered me to quit together, I lasted till the late evening on the next day, but the interesting thing was that I was quite weepy at that day, and had a very bad attention deficit. I've read somewhere that tobacco' smoke has anti-inflammatory properties which may explain why I was weepy when I stopped smoking.

In September of 2017 I tried fasting for one day and all the symptoms of depression completely vanished, I remember how I was looking through the open window and enjoying rain in pure state of awe, I felt as good as I haven't felt in ages. Fasting affects testosterone levels and inflammation.

Several years ago I was on a very strict diet for over a month, lost 25 pounds and had very serious increase in my mental abilities and clarity of mind, I started experimenting with meditation during this diet and my concentration was very intense. I think that at that time I reduced inflammation of my body too.

It seems that cutting edge theory about depression is that from the biological point of view it's an inflammatory disease.

Soooooo, after winter holidays I head towards the hospital and gonna fight with our ignorant doctors to check my balls, prostate, thyroid, hormones and gut. I have a reputation of hypochondriac there, but I hope that I will manage to convince them to do the tests, I feel like I want to jump out of my skin all the time again.

Edited January 3, 2019 by Privet

[Privet]

First there was a cell. Then it divided itself into two cells. Then they divided themselves into many cells. Then at some point they combined into organism.

First there was pre-dual consciousness. Then it divided itself into object and subject. Then it collapsed this duality into oneness that simultaneously includes duality, just like body is a separate entity and at the same time made out of smaller entities.

Also what's interesting is that the higher you are on the spiral the more distinctions there is in consciousness, the more precise ideas are, the more precise distinctions become, until at some point - boom, Truth.

https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Holon_(philosophy)

Edited January 6, 2019 by Privet

[Privet]

FUCK!

I ate some shit that turned out to be made of wheat. I'm gonna fucking die from depression and horror right now.

There was no wheat for several months. Universe wants me to learn to read list of ingredients the hard way. *facepalm*

[Privet]

This is the most genuine feminine energy that I have ever seen in my entire life:

Also, look what an amazing life purpose she has:

She is pioneering our enlightened society. That's what effective spiral wizardy level turquoise really means.

Besides that she has big fat heart and came up with a very intelligent approach to manifest that, she's also very beautiful, her husband must be the luckiest man alive. Wow, just wow.

Edited March 3, 2019 by Privet

[Privet]

Tinder-Huinder*

Couple weeks ago out of curiosity I installed Tinder to see what can I get there in my city. From the first match I stumbled upon stage green girl that has some experience with meditation. I thought "what a luck, universe is gotta be kidding me".

We chatted for a couple of days and then had a date. From the beginning she started giving me mixed signals, for example, she would send me audio messages of her hysterical laughter over my jokes and then just stop texting me for several days. You really wanna show the person that makes you laugh so hard how disinterested you are in conversations with him, that's right, girl. Then, when we were hanging out, she once asked me to not smoke in her presence despite that she smokes occasionally, you might say that's not a big deal, and I agreed of course, however, if you would see what kind of energy was behind these words you would understand immediately the real purpose of this request. Then she told me how she is never falling in love first. I ended up daydreaming about ending this date halfway.

At the end she gave me a hug and probably hoped, that I would kiss her, but all I hoped for was leaving this person as soon as possible because of her guarded fake attitude.

This endeavor caused me to contemplate a lot of questions regarding sex, women and relationships with them.

I want to have some sex and overcome my traumatized sexuality, I believe it will give me an overwhelming sense of relief if I will finally going to have sex that I enjoy even once, unlike all my previous ones. There are two ways to get sex: uncommital fuckbuddies/one night stands and relationships. The first one requires overcoming my indecisiveness and inconfidence. The second one requires a good chunk of luck, because hey, even Leo with all his success and following is single.

Looking for relationships is a tough game. You might ponder “if you will find an appropriate girl she will help with your traumatized sexuality”. Yes she will, but there are two problems: one is that even if she will, most likely I am not going to want relationships with her because I’m looking for someone who takes spirituality seriously or at least overcame achievement-bunny mentality to a significant enough degree (although girls that never had any ambitions in the first place will bore me quickly either), the second one is that such girls are most likely older than me and are successful which make them completely out of my league. The better choice would be to learn to deal with manipulations productively, gain confidence and settle for uncommitted relationships until I put my act together well enough and accidentally stumble upon someone. “How about not having sex?” – “Fuck you!”.

This winter I tried to do some exercises to overcome my social anxiety. I was getting back home from my one time job and had an obsessive idea "Hey, why not overcome some fear just because it sounds fun, huh?". I thought "Hmm, how about talking to strangers?", "Hell yeah, let's freak the hell out of you!". Strangers were passing by, each time I felt like I'm about to approach someone, and then not approach, again and again and again.

At first, when I got home, I felt a deep sense of contempt towards myself. Why on Earth am I such a pussy? How the fuck am I going to deal with my life? The last question and a fleeting thought about my mortality made me really, really angry at myself. I said "OK, I'm finishing my dinner and then going to walk in my district until I finally make this shit happen". Strangers are passing by, each time I find an excuse to not talk to them. Another "WHAT THE FUCK, MAN?" scream pops up in my mind. "Hmm, don't you remember this video in which Jordan Peterson told how he was exposing his clients to a greater and greater challenges?". And here we go, I said "hi" to several strangers. At first I would immediately contract in shame and avoid eye contact, by the third or fourth one I already didn't give a fuck. The next challenge was waving my hand to the drivers that drive by in their cars, this too was not scary anymore by the third attempt. Eventually I was just walking next to the road with my hands above my head and enjoy looking like an idiot.

"You made it bruh, so proud of you, I start to enjoy your company, what's next? Maybe?" - I was very inspired and was fantasizing about my future ladder of challenges, but later I completely disregarded all this progress and just shut down in depression and forgot about it.

I believe that I will improve my dating skills exactly like this. First you touch her, then you hug her, then you kiss her, then she's probably considering sucking your cock because you are a decisive motherfucker. However that's just a bunch of wet fantasies and in reality it will be whole lot more difficult and full of unexpected explorations, just as it turned out to be whole lot more difficult to talk to strangers. But this incremental growth idea doesn't let me sleep well.

Couple days ago I had an enormous amount of rage welling up to the surface. I left home and started walking on a bridge in circles: one side, back on another and so forth. I was moaning with closed mouth and concentrating on my anger as a flow of impermanence, Leo mentioned this kind of desires in his "Dark Side of Meditation" video. It really helps to calm you down, I discovered the power of moans when I was working on a country side house several miles away from home a year ago, I guess that's why there are some singing exercises in Kriya. On the end of the second circle I found myself singing songs aloud and I felt this precious freedom of not giving a fuck, there was nobody at the bridge sidewalks, but the attention of the drivers made me uncomfortable enough to feel excited. I guess I want to dance in public like an idiot.

Overcoming fears is fun and I really enjoyed it and crave for more, but depression kills all the juice completely out of everything and overcoming fears doesn't help with depression. I need to get a fucking job since I don't even have money for condoms, for fucks sake.

On 03.01.2019 at 5:32 PM, Privet said:

Soooooo, after winter holidays I head towards the hospital and gonna fight with our ignorant doctors to check my balls, prostate, thyroid, hormones and gut. I have a reputation of hypochondriac there, but I hope that I will manage to convince them to do the tests, I feel like I want to jump out of my skin all the time again.

My medical quest took a lot of headache. I do have varicocele, but it's not severe enough for surgery. I had two visits to an endocrinologist, I had to wait for each for several weeks and then I found out that they have lost my blood tests for thyroid hormones and testosterone, and I'm still waiting for the results of a new one. I came to a conclusion that if it's low testosterone it doesn't make any sense to medicate it with testosterone replacement because it may cause worse consequences than antidepressants. If it's thyroid issues conventional medicine can't do much about it unless it's severe hypothyroidism, which again prompts to antidepressants. I appointed another visit to a psychiatrist and will try to get prescription once again. I better risk developing hypomania and try meds because I need to get my functionality back to deal with my health issues.

* In Russian, the word "хуй (hui)" means "cock", so "Tinder-Huinder" in Russian is something like "Tinder-Schminder" in English.

Edited March 19, 2019 by Privet

[Privet]

Fuck your qualification, bucko.

On 3/17/2019 at 8:21 PM, Privet said:

I appointed another visit to a psychiatrist and will try to get prescription once again.

My previous doctor, that prescribed me Xanax, which I refused to take, is on vacation now and I was matched with an another one.

After 10 minutes of talking about my symptoms I tried to discuss treatment plan, explained why I refuse to take Xanax and had no resistance to this decision from her.

Then shit hits the fan. Immediately after I offered my participation in choice of medication I stumbled upon resistance and demagogy. She seemed fairly capable of some degree of clear reasoning compared to most doctors, had some seemingly valid arguments which I fortunately was able to maneuver for some time and refuse some of her offerings, until she made it clear that she's not going to put up with my opinion on meds whatsoever.

I thought OK, it's not a good idea to logically reason with someone who's main argument is "I have 15 years of practice" and has complete inability to speak to my arguments instead of my authority. I gave up and tried to let loose and make some fun to dissipate the tension between us, after all, maybe she will prescribe something that I like, or I am not going to visit this hospital anymore.

- *writing prescriprion* You are not able to drink or take drugs when you are on antidepressants, you know why?

- I don't drink for over 3 years, doesn't matter.

- *slightly infuriated face flowing into warning look* Do you know the reason why it's not allowed?

- *interrupting impatiently before she ended* Serotonin syndrome. *utter imperturbable confidence*

- I SPEAK, YOU LISTEN! *breaks out laughing, makes cute face with some flavor of irritability*.

- *gotcha, devil!* Yeah, yeah, sure, I listen, listen.  *cunning smile*.

Then we just couldn't talk without laughter for some time.

When I was in the bus and have read my prescription turned out that this time it's a tricyclic antidepressant.

SSRIs replace this outdated class of drugs in developed countries due to their safety profile, tricyclic ADs is the last choice for treating mental illness that requires antidepressants, why. the. fuck. did. you. prescribe. it. to. me. you. motherfucking. superexperienced. superdoctor? Is this what you call 15 years of experience? Prescribing more toxic autdated alternatives that you learned in soviet era textbooks? Fuck your qualification, bucko, fuck your qualification.

It's hard to manipulate people with the level of irritability that I have, I could have done better, complement her knowledge since she's so insecure about it, be more funny and turn on lovely stubbornness mode or something, but that's just not my level yet, it seems that she was irritated with my energy until I pretended that I agree with her and started being playful.

Don't know what to do again. She said that a private practitioner would probably listen to my opinion, but I have very limited financial resources and a lot of tension in relationships with parents.

Infinite intelligence, give me an idea!

Edited March 19, 2019 by Privet

[Privet]

On 17.03.2019 at 8:21 PM, Privet said:

I better risk developing hypomania and try meds because I need to get my functionality back to deal with my health issues.

I've seen a PhD psychiatrist and got an appropriate prescription. It was relieving to finally talk to someone who is able to have a rational conversation, I really enjoyed debating with him about my subjective experience and meditation, although he's a double-blind-study guy and when I mentioned spiritual purification he said that it's just not in his competence, he uses meditation in treatment of his patients, he's a psychotherapist as well, so I got very lucky for the money that I paid.

SSRIs failed.

I had to slowly raise my dose of Lexapro to 10mg over the course of 10-14 days. When I reached the dose of 5mg on the third day (there was almost no side effects on 2.5 so I took it only for 2 days) of taking it I developed hypomania. At first I meditated 2 hours, started exercising like crazy, on the last push-up I just broke out laughing because of the amount of stress and ruined on the floor. Then at night, when I was hanging out with a friend I became supercharming, superconfident, superfriendly, superdominant, supercreative, supertalkative and super-fucking-unable to sleep until 8 in the morning. I spent the night with waves of excessive energy, anxiety and the sense that I'm about to lose my shit, it was like in that famous psychonaut' joke: "WHY DID I EAT IT? WHY DID I EAT SO MUCH OF IT?". The next day I took last 2.5 mg to not quit it suddenly and then completely cancelled the next day.

Then I started craving for another pill, since being superhero is fun. It was yesterday in the morning, I thought "Woah, dude.. You're up to no good, right?", pushed all my prescriptions in the pill's box and threw it away to the trash container on the street. Coming off the drug felt like getting sober, I mean it REALLY felt like getting sober. And sober is always better.

I was talking to people like that: https://youtu.be/usFL7YstLnY?t=31 My drunk misanthropic grandfather said that he respects me and started apologizing for his attempt of emotional unload on me just because of how friendly I looked, LOL. Because my samskaras were hidden by the meds my ability of loving-kindness was through the roof, I looked at him and I could see the universe in the eyes of this neurotic miserable old drunk man, and he responded to that presence, he became loving too. Suppose that's what I can reach with spiritual purification in the future.

This is what I wrote in my OneNote on the second day about my first 2.5mg:

Quote

In the middle of the day I felt a rush of anxiety as if someone injected me with adrenaline. I understood immediately that this is meds and it wasn't a big deal, increase in anxiety is mentioned in sideffects during the beginning of the therapy. After this wave of fear I had a wave of disorientation, it felt a bit like light seizure, smokers can reconglize what I mean by memorizing how first cigarette feels like when you don't smoke for half a day: dizziness and weakness in the body. I had sleepiness throughout the day, not intense though. I usually have very sticky anxious/shameful ruminations in my mind about my future (anxiety) or past (shame) that have a lot of power and my equinimity level is not sufficient enough to not suffer from it, it's VERY sticky obsessive process and is impossible to equinimize even with SDS, SDS only makes it worse, so from the middle of the day those ruminations started to lose their power, it felt like I'm about to stop suffering at all but thoughts still managed to get me occasionally, like when you almost pulled your stuck car from a pit but it rolls down again. Then in the evening meds kicked in completely. I was laying in my bed and tripping balls and smiling because of my equinimity level, my psychiatrist said I won't even feel anything on such a low dose but the level of sensory clarity that I have developed in meditation lets me recognize what most patients wouldn't notice. All the resurfaced during hundreds of hours of SDS unconscious wounds in form of intense chronic anger, fear, shame and impatience felt like it was oiled. I could observe it and not suffer from it. I became less judgemental, less arrogant/narcissistic and had less thoughts about peoples' inadequacies, I also could easily let go of shameful thoughts. My equinimity to pleasure increased as well, I was listening a track on repeat before I went to bed and I didn't get lost in pleasure, it was more like detached awe rather than anxious rocking. MY SENSE OF TASTE IS BACK!!! I can enjoy food and meditate on that pleasure again, Jesus, at first I thought that this is because I bought some other type of rice and it tasted differently but later I understood that it's because of meds and the rice was the same.

On the second day my libido decreased and I could barely get erection, I didn't lose it completely but it gets way harder to cum on SSRI, just like my doc said.

My state normalized. There's some weird change though. In the evening the day after hypomania I was in the bed and started doing do-nothing technique, then the energy all over my head started flowing and readjusting and all of a sudden I felt like my energy block that was fucking me up for so long partially dissolved, the sense of relief was overwhelming, my body relaxed and I started yawning. It didn't dissolve completely and I'm still dysfunctional as fuck but something changed, I couldn't hold nofap streaks longer than 2 days during last several months even with accountability partnership and today it's day 2 and I don't crave for masturbation. There's also some positive change in perception, generally.

Also there's one more positive effect: being in superconfident state shown me some of my shadows more clearly, I can recognize how internalized shame can cause spiritual bypass. I woke up in the morning after hypomania and it was so clear how I limit myself in many ways. From the other hand I recognized how medicating your samskaras can lead to not dealing with them at all, because if you're confident as fuck - why improve anything?

So it seems that according to western medicine since SSRIs set me manic I either have bipolar type 2 or at least cyclothymia and I have to deal with this shit somehow. It's usually treated with combination of meds or electroconvulsive therapy. The former one is shit because mood stabilizers and neuroleptics suck and the latter one is not accessible in my city, otherwise I would probably go for it.

On 17.03.2019 at 8:21 PM, Privet said:

I had two visits to an endocrinologist, I had to wait for each for several weeks and then I found out that they have lost my blood tests for thyroid hormones and testosterone, and I'm still waiting for the results of a new one.

Debunked. Got my blood tests, it's not thyroid nor testosterone. What is interesting is that my testosterone was HIGHER on a SHORTER nofap streak (they found my first test and I had two blood tests of the same kind), as I said earlier on 2-day streaks I felt better, on the third day I would usually feel unbearably worse. Couple years ago I used to feel as I feel on a third day but on over 10-day streak.

My phone died and meditating with timer on an old Nokia is kinda funny, when I started playing snake game I broke out laughing out of nostalgia.

I've got money to not work for couple more months and I guess even if my depression will persist I will be able to get a job because of the increase in daylight, it makes things easier quite a bit.

Yyyyyyyyyyyyyikes!

Edited April 2, 2019 by Privet

[Privet]

On 03.01.2019 at 5:32 PM, Privet said:

When I worked as a tourist guide this summer I smoked a pack of cigarettes a day and one day my colleague offered me to quit together, I lasted till the late evening on the next day, but the interesting thing was that I was quite weepy at that day, and had a very bad attention deficit. I've read somewhere that tobacco' smoke has anti-inflammatory properties which may explain why I was weepy when I stopped smoking.

It becomes obnoxiously obvious, but smoking a lot reduces my depression.

I did the experiment several times: usually I smoke 1-5 cigarettes a day lately and several times during last couple of months I smoked around a pack of cigarettes (20) a day and observed how I feel. Each time I smoke a lot I feel at least 50% less depressed.

This suggests that smoking cessation can increase the risk of developing autoimmune thyroidism 6-TIMES!

This suggests that smokers rarer suffer from autoimmune colitis.

This suggests that smoking reduces risk of autoimmune diabetes.

This suggests that smoking suppresses the immune system.

On 03.01.2019 at 5:32 PM, Privet said:

It seems that cutting edge theory about depression is that from the biological point of view it's an inflammatory disease.

This and this.

I'm too lazy to search it again but some time ago I managed to find several anecdotal evidences that smoking cessation caused people's autoimmune diseases to worsen.

¯\_(ツ)_/¯

It's a very unhealthy and also expensive medicine. I need to reduce the intake of carbohydrates and add some other anti-inflammatory interventions into my diet, hopefully then it will be easier to quit again. I didn't eat wheat for the most part of 2018 and didn't eat it this year at all, I also ate sugar only several times during this period, but unfortunately I still have to eat a lot of rice until my money recover.

*leaves to shoot smoke rings in the bathroom*

 

Edited April 7, 2019 by Privet

[Privet]

On 02.04.2019 at 2:20 PM, Privet said:

I will be able to get a job because of the increase in daylight, it makes things easier quite a bit.

I guess one of the things that I plan to do this year is to construct ceiling full of lamps for the next winter. I will also probably buy arduino and program a device that will wake me up by light on this ceiling.

When I go to a lamp shop with hundreds of working lamps I just fucking melt in awe.

This music video makes me eyegasm because of the bulbs:

 

[Privet]

I have finally watched this masterpiece.

So meditative, so refreshing.

 

[Privet]

On 02.04.2019 at 2:20 PM, Privet said:

SSRIs failed.

But Mirtazapine didn't.

The doc suggested it to me when I told him about my experience with Lexapro, and I did it out of desperation when my depression returned because I hoped that he knows some other drug that I couldn't stumble upon in articles about bipolar depression.

I researched the drug and found out that there's low risk for switching to mania on this med.

I'm on 15mg and I think I won't raise the dose until fall (it's possible to go up to 60). Probably I will attempt to taper it off the next summer.

Some people report that this medication knocks you off like a bulldozer, or that you will sleep for 12 hours, or that you will have excessive sedation and be dull, but none of this happened to me. It's taken before sleep, when I took the first pill it didn't knock me off, all I felt was that my palms became very dry (it's usually wet now because of the worsening in anxiety and excessive energy due to spring fever), anxiety reduced and the energy dropped to the tolerable level. Other than that it gives me boost in equanimity, IDK maybe 30%, it's way easier to tolerate intense emotions that meditation uncovered. I practice 1 hour of very diligent concentration a day and I don't go crazy, quite the contrary, I become present as fuck compared to how I felt during last couple of years. Last spring I meditated at a similar time of the year, jumped away from the chair and wanted to crush it against the wall. Now I can easily live through this level of anger until it passes, before I started taking the pills all I could handle was do-nothing.

There's a couple of insignificant but experientially weird phenomenons. One is weird dreams. Last night I was dreaming how the building in which I live crushed to the point where my appartments start and I had to live half outside, LOL. The other is vivid visuals before sleep, contents of some are strange and creepy. When I'm in bed before I fall asleep I close my eyes and start to see vivid images, couple days ago I saw a plain in the sky, it looked so real that when I distracted from it to the present moment and opened my eyes I felt like I woke up. The creepy ones are: a dog that jumps like a kangaroo; a wrist, all fingers of which are of the same kind, various jumpy-psychedelic images like this, but with real people or even couples.

Today's morning, after a magnificent hour-long sit I went shopping for food, some shops that I needed are located couple kilometers away from me, as I walked I had some realizations:

• Because the intensity of subconsciousness is reduced, sensory clarity is higher and I could clearly observe how the ego arises: I could observe how the thoughts about the future and the past arise, I could observe how the labels "a dude", "a dog", "a car", "front", "back" arise and how they are separate from the actual dude, car, dog, front, back, and it seems so clear now, that all this theater is just chasing your own tale, you're stuck here and now and it's impossible to get away from it. It's lonely, and it's a special kind of loneliness because it's clear that no success, no life purpose, no soulmate, no future destination can medicate it, they are just thoughts that you are addicted to and that falsely seem "somewhere there" rather than here and now in your head. When I was immersed in this experience it felt like some childish part of me is suffocating and dying, not even fighting for it's last breath. From one side it's devastating, everything is crushing apart, everything I thought I have is just frames in a movie, everything I thought I am I am not, from another walking in the other direction makes no sense anymore whatsoever, my spiritual gain is irreversible and I'm a half-alive half-human that will never see the world the same way again, ever. 
• I can drop the effort and let the walk happen, your body knows how to walk, your mind knows how to think. It's fun, it's like running a bicycle with no hands, you know that any time you start to fall you can correct the bike. When I was a kid this way of cycling always made me feel edgy and spacious inside, now this kind of excitement is possible to reach with walking, just die to the walk.
• There's no more questions on how to live my life. Chop wood, carry water. Problem -> solve, confused -> ignore, do something else or nothing. No complications and overthinking.

I don't feel high, grandiose or crazy, I'm functional again, cheers!

Edited April 13, 2019 by Privet

[Privet]

Damn, the chorus of this song brings me to tears so badly.

 

As we grow with rusty nails in the coffin among potential of diamonds and pearls.
This sea of blood fills the crevice between our lifeless body and the whispers for which we reach.
Behold as the water floods the red.
Time commands of us to meet again in silence.
Awakening to a higher light.

If we sever the distance between one another, and cross out the fear we learn, all are one and nothing is keeping the love in our souls from bursting infinitely.

Now what have we become?
An entity of survival.
Rotting flesh of the fallen stains our egos.
Now the moment is at hand to rise above what was once so prevalent.
Folding time within the mortal boundaries lived upon.
Moving onward. We will never fade.
Fall into another dead end. Will it end the same?
Lines are drawn for the rest of the story.

If we sever the distance between one another, and cross out the fear we learn, all are one and nothing is keeping the love in our souls from bursting infinitely.

This life is one that we must live.
The peace once embraced from so long ago sleeps deep within our mind.
Stay forever or be erased from the harmonic physical state of being existing in this dimension.
Lies are covered, but only for the moment.
The blood of the weak will carve the way for the innocent.
The blood of the weak will carve the way for the innocent.

 

Edited May 15, 2019 by Privet

[Privet]

Stripped of all the air in my lungs now
Feeling so alone
Stampede in the room like a buffalo
Feeling so low
Pull out all the ground from below
You’ve given quite a show
Stampede in the room like a buffalo
Raise me up in my throes

[Privet]

[Privet]

Sentient Glow

Sooo…

It's been over two months since I started taking Mirtazapine, I'm still on half a pill (15mg), I think I would benefit and be more functional if I would raise the dosage but I need to leave the room for increase at winter, because my amygdala will go nuts just as usual due to the lack of sunlight.

Because the med boosted my level of equanimity I started meditating right away for around 3 hours per day if nothing happens that steals my time. I was able to meditate like that for around 50+% of days for 1.5 months, sometimes up to 5-6 hours.

First couple of weeks were really nice, not much backlash, I managed to score around 2 hours even on a job that I had at that time in short 10-30 min streaks.

I reread some chapters of The Mind Illuminated and meditated on the sensations in the nostrils following instructions from the book. Most of the time by the third hour I would reach Stage 5 of Samatha, I could recognize it because Culadasa writes that at this Stage your scope of attention will spontaneously expand to the abdomen and you will sink into pleasurable subtle dullness, which is just a seductive distraction and has to be overcome at this Stage by intentionally increasing vigilance and practicing special multitasking bodyscanning technique. I only used the vigilance method for now since I wasn't able to stay stable at Stage 5, proper bodyscanning is very intense mental work that takes some degree of stability of attention first, otherwise it will turn into mind-wandering or strong dullness and drowsiness.

One of the most interesting phenomenons that I encountered was that when I reach Stage five the sense of constant hunger dissipates, it was so relieving and satisfying. I believe it was happening because at Stage four there's the emotional purification process and my oral fixation that was developed when I was an infant was temporarily overcome. I've read somewhere that Freud thought that libido (which is the same as Kundalini as I understand) is accumulated at the mouth area when you're an infant. If the separation from mother's tit wasn't executed properly (slowly teaching you to eat normal food) your nervous system still interprets the sense of hunger more important than it actually is and makes you feel like your survival depends on it, because newborn babies are like that: no tit = you die. In the first week after birth when the kid isn't fed within a minute or so when he starts crying his amygdala generates fight of flight response, and if as the time goes by he is left crying this overwhelming stress may produce irreversible damage in the brain, an overreactive amygdala that will get triggered with the slightest inadequate stimuli in adulthood.

During Stage four you experience intense emotional purification. As you keep meditating on the nose all accumulated and suppressed emotions surface on the background, sometimes getting so intense that it's more practical to turn towards (in Shinzen's language) it as the book suggests.

When I was practicing up to five hours and as my pain body got more stumulated I would just weep the fuck out of my eyes in meditations and inbetween, walking with red eyes like a stoner and not explain anything to anyone. Sometimes I would listen to sad music to make myself cry so that this shit keeps purging out of me. Sometimes I would cry for half an hour of jogging. Sometimes I was laying in the bed, shaking in agony and devastation and letting it to destroy me completely.

Last couple of weeks because the Earth is getting closer to the spot on the orbit with the longest day the intensity of Kundalini in me is too much to meditate a lot, I decided to take it slow during the summer and focus more on establishing a more functional homeostasis while meditating only one hour a day before sleep on emotions, attention now is very scattered and I'm basically back to Stage 3, but I feel like I'm more creative and have more energy.

I started writing music again and got a half-time job that forces me to sleep at night and not be lazy, among all things the job had one of the best impact on my wellbeing lately. I've got tons of musical sketches that I accumulated during last several years that I want to compile to quality tracks. No idea where it goes, but it feels right. I vivdly remember the advice of Deadmou5 that I read in my teens: stay in your mother's basement as long as you can because it gives you precious time to develop skills, and thankfully, my relationships with parents get better and better. Or maybe I'm just bullshitting myself and avoid dealing with independence? No idea, will see. There's proper time for everything.

I feel like overanalyzing and constantly planning is just a waste of time. Lack of commitment to one thing seems to be exhausting itself because dubbling feels tiring, awareness alone is curative.

I'm jogging everyday except when skipping is absolutely necessary. It feels like in those good old days when I just started visiting this forum and obsessively did self-inquiry in three-hour long sessions two years ago. Every jog makes me feel great. I jog by timer on the sunset for half an hour, almost everytime last 5 minutes I run with a genuine eye-smile on my face. When going home the release of endorphines makes me feel this sentient glow that is spread all around: green leaves illuminated by street lamps with insects buzzing around them, lovely enlightened dogs silently lurking in bushes like Zen masters, birds coiling in the colorful gradient of post-sunset sky, fresh scent of flowers and leaves of all sorts and kinds.

Thinking of death at moments of difficulty helps me to deal with worries and be grateful that I'm still alive and young, curious and passionate.

Beautiful, isn't it?

May my heart be blown open forever.

Amen.

Fake it
Our way of life so simple
Thinking we have it all
A choice we've made
Embrace the world in vain and shun the true human calling

It's only a matter of time before the waves consume us all
The gods will show no favor for what we are
Should I accept this fate?
Or maybe we can make an escape
Your life is what I need and one I'll surely save

Days they pass
Constructing a path to the stars
Bending space and time
Travel, I will
These light years in search of the
Savior race who must answer our dying call

Watch the horizon fade within your eyes
Within you
I have to trust I will pull through
This is the end of the suffering

Uncertainty taking hold of the exit scheme
Will this be the death of me?
The end is near
It's only a matter of time before the rocks come crashing down
Their souls collecting sorrows on the way out

Should we accept our fate?
Or maybe we can make an escape
This world is what I need and one I'll surely save

Days they pass
Constructing a path to the stars
Bending space and time
Travel, I will these light years in search of
The savior race who must answer our dying call

Watch the horizon fade within your eyes
The warmth that reflects lets me know I'm still alive

Carry the weight of a thousand worlds within my heart
I've had enough of this
I have to trust I will pull through
This is the end
Don't ask how we lost our way
Follow the stars to the place where we used to lay

 

[Privet]

On 12.06.2019 at 6:00 PM, Privet said:

It's been over two months since I started taking Mirtazapine, I'm still on half a pill (15mg), I think I would benefit and be more functional if I would raise the dosage but I need to leave the room for increase at winter, because my amygdala will go nuts just as usual due to the lack of sunlight.

I quit it cold turkey over a week ago, almost no withdrawal except for a light anxiety attack at 5 AM in the first day and a bit of confusion and disorientation for couple of days.

The next one is smoking. I tried to quit it yesterday but lasted only one day because I ate some shit that poisoned me, vomited at night like crazy, today I'm miserable as fuck and shit like machinegun so my willpower sucks.

I work in 3 day shifts and because of that every weekend is of high value compared to my jobless past, getting poisoned made me aware of how attached I am to writing music during job-free times since misery completely knocked me off the path today and I absolutely have to rest.

It seems that I still derive a lot of motivation from the "should" place rather than "choose" place. I still subconsciously believe that I have to become someone/do something rather than that I want to become someone/do something. It also seems that this "have to" mentality is a consequence of internalized shame. By default I assume that I am not good enough and that I have to do something to feel worthy, to fix myself.

It also translates to my work, sometimes I compose something for couple of hours, then devalue that, come to conclusion that I have to remake everything and then feel bad about myself, which is so fucking stupid, deriving sense of worth from imperfect shots is total non-sense, because every sure shot comes from the streak of inevitable imperfect shots.

Shame is hell of an abstacle to creativity, simply grinding through it doesn't work, it only makes things worse. What I find effective is applying mindfulness skills. Creative block is a FIT reaction which can be untangled and dissipated. Any time I feel stuck and frustrated I check in and detect what's happening: am I thinking negative thoughts about my work and myself? am I experiencing negative emotions? Simply noticing that gives quite a relief from creative throes. Then I start to pay attention on my project: what is that exactly that I don't like? what is that that I can delete? how would I make it better? is it really that bad or am I just tired and negative for no reason? Making small concrete steps helps to distract yourself from frustration and shit starts to roll again.

 

Edited June 23, 2019 by Privet

[Privet]

Internet Is So Exhausting

I didn't pay for the internet since April of this year. It was the best. thing. ever. happened. I also didn't buy a new smartphone even though I have had money for it this summer. No addictive messaging, no shitposting, no binge watching YouTube, no Googling every fart of my monkey mind, SO much freedom.

I've been in a car one day in Semptember, driving back home after hanging out on the nature with my friends, I was looking through the open window and couldn't believe what I felt, I just looked around and the only thing I can say about this experience is what I thought in that moment "HMM, IT SEEMS LIKE MY EXHAUSTED ENDORPHINE RECEPTORS IN THE BRAIN STARTED TO WORK WELL AGAIN! IT MUST BE BECAUSE I ALMOST DON'T USE INTERNET!". Everything was so alive, so vibrant, so interesting.

And now, two days ago, my internet started working for no reason and instead of playing my guitar schedule I am writing this post, I've just called the provider to find out if I accidentally used the debt connection service and they say everything is fine, there must be some error that makes me connected.

Is this a fucking joke? IS THIS A FUCKING JOKE?!

Edited December 10, 2019 by Privet

[Privet]

Scissors Emergency

My friend have just suggested me to cut the wire.

I GUESS I'M GETTING OUT OF HEEEEEEEERE!!! BAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH!

 

 

[Privet]

@modmyth Hey, thank you!