Any other addicts into enlightenment?

[MisterMan]

It kinda feels like being black and a member of the KKK. As in bhuddism they say the symptom of attachment is addiction and addiction leads to etc etc.

I've been into this stuff seriously for quite some time now and if anything is getting me out of this emotional addictive loop i'm in.

I've gotten to the point where i feel as if every moment in life is no different to a dream state. That my "dream" state and "awake" state can both be deduced to mere projections. That i project at night when asleep, and project when awake. Essentially i noticed that in each moment i was trying to wrestle with something, so as not to let it shine through. Ignoring it, wether it be turning my attention to something else, going to sleep, taking drugs.

I noticed my life was this stream of awareness that was trying to block some sort of trauma (or thats what i think it is).

However as i've been really opening up, or coming to know the nots that my psyche ties through avoidance and other means the emotional disturbance in suffering from all the things that have wronged me seems to be nonsensical and that i'm not doing any work other than wallowing in my own self pity.

Anger comes from this, another mechanism that is used to distract. 

I've started using this idea of the subselves from Pete Gerlach on youtube which pretty much say that we all have subselves that contradict each other and that you need to mediate between each of these subselves in order to not do the same destrictive behaviour over and over again.

I've been doing all this. But you know what it all feels like? 

 

Imagine if you have an open wound in your leg. And there is this method you have learned, and that method requires you to get a stick and dig right into the open wound. 

It feels like i'm doing nothing but aggravating the emotional wounds instead of healing them.

Then i do the opposite, i watch the sensations that everything seems to come from. Two completely different methods.

Should i only be doing one of them? Is one wrong? Or have i misunderstood both or one of these teachings?

 

Thank you