My Struggle with Social Anxiety

[Iiris]

Social anxiety isn't gone yet. I actually think that it's worse because I've been staying a lot in my comfort zone since it's summer. I'm very bored and frustrated. I need to get the hell out of this house but I'm trying to push through this until I'm done with high school. I haven't studied this summer nearly as much as I was supposed to. I'm trying to do a bit of everything so there's not so much time to study. I don't know if I should just give up everything and keep my eyes on a book from the moment I wake up to the moment I go to sleep until the baccalaureate (what a fucking word) is over. Because I've secretly set this goal to get the best grades in almost everything just in case I wanna be a doctor or something. But I don't want to give up anything that I'm doing right now. I feel like everything I do is important.

I have 0 real friends and that sucks. I want friends. But in a way I also don't want friends. I'm thinking if I don't really even care about people, if I just care about what I can get from them. I don't want to be like that but I might be.

If I had no self-control I would throw a chair at my father. He's destroying everyone in this family. Again I need to get away from this house. I don't understand how mom just laughs when dad is acting like a fucking narcissistic asshole.

Overall I'm pretty frustrated with life right now. I'm just trying to keep on going. Hopefully downhill will come. And I have to come up with some study plan

[DrewNows]

Thanks for sharing, you’re not alone, and not the minority in having that inner pain, frustration and helplessness. 

Sharing this book recommendation credit to Mod Cetus 

I’m barely an hour into it but it takes you on a journey into yourself revealing why awareness is the one tool that makes any and everything possible 

breathe easy ?

 

Edited June 23, 2019 by DrewNows

[Iiris]

@DrewNows Thank you ❤️

[hamedsf]

On 6/20/2019 at 5:02 PM, Iiris said:

Yup that's true. All my problems boil down to me believing that some things are good and some bad. Letting that go is way easier said than done though

 

But not impossible. practice makes prefect!

[Iiris]

25 minutes ago, hamedsf said:

But not impossible. practice makes prefect!

Going there, slowly but surely!

[Iiris]

3 hours ago, Marc Schinkel said:

 

 

?❤️

[Iiris]

This is funny

[flowboy]

On 6/23/2019 at 0:32 PM, Iiris said:

If I had no self-control I would throw a chair at my father. He's destroying everyone in this family. Again I need to get away from this house. I don't understand how mom just laughs when dad is acting like a fucking narcissistic asshole

 @Iiris Oh man, I really feel for you. It's so unfair that your dad just gets to spread his own unprocessed toxicity around as he pleases, and now you in turn have to work really hard to even just be social in the face of this crippling anxiety.

My expectation is that when you find time to really process your childhood again and work through that anger towards your dad, you will experience the curse of social anxiety to be lifted. But that's just me projecting, I don't have all the answers.

Let my point be that you're naturally a social creature, there's nothing wrong with you, or missing, just some shit in the way, something that you will shake off at some point.

On 6/23/2019 at 0:32 PM, Iiris said:

I have 0 real friends and that sucks. I want friends. But in a way I also don't want friends. I'm thinking if I don't really even care about people, if I just care about what I can get from them. I don't want to be like that but I might be.

You just don't have a full cup yet. Further on the path, when your basic needs for love and appreciation are fulfilled, you too can start sharing expansively and your friendships will be about giving rather than just receiving.

[zambize]

 

3 hours ago, Iiris said:

This is funny

Agree

[Iiris]

4 hours ago, flowboy said:

Let my point be that you're naturally a social creature, there's nothing wrong with you, or missing, just some shit in the way, something that you will shake off at some point.

Yes I know, I can be whole.  Sometimes that shit seems to be so stuck that I feel like I’ll always be like this. But I just have to patient and live from moment to moment

2 hours ago, zambize said:

Agree

[Iiris]

I realized that I can’t get enlightened I can only die, and I don’t like that

Apparently I’m going to play with that band at some event again. I was kinda disappointed when I heard that because I’m getting used to being comfortable and I thought I’d never have to play with those people again.  I love my hobby so much. I’m not super scared though because the audience mostly consists of 12-year-olds. 

I don’t really have any musical ideas. But I like playing, it’s fun. I see everything as pictures. But I don’t like drawing. It frustrates the shit outta me. And it’s boring to me. Maybe that’s just because I can’t draw. I don’t know. I’m secretly a fantasy nerd. We have to read some books for school and now I have an excuse to read The Hobbit. Those worlds just intrigue me. I don’t know what’s the point of this ramble. Probably my life purpose

This is good shit

https://youtu.be/UvM2Cmi-YRU

Sometimes I come to write here and act all playful like my social anxiety isn’t such a big deal and like life isn’t so serious and some other times I’m just depressed af 

[Iiris]

In the mornings my emotions lean towards fear and shame. In the evenings it’s loneliness and a bit of depression. I don’t know why that cycle goes like that. Those emotions make me act in opposite ways. In the daytime I don’t do something because I fear and and then I regret it in the evening and kinda hate myself. And in the evening I might do something out of loneliness and then I regret it in the morning. Even though it never actually is anything bad. That whole thing is pretty painful. It feeds itself. That cycle happens on a shorter length during daytime too. I get fear when I’m with people. And I get lonely after. When I fear I don’t remember how it feels when I regret that I didn’t do something I’m afraid of. When I’m regretting I don’t remember how it feels  to fear. 

I want to be special. But the whole point of being special that only few get that. And if I was special i wouldn’t even care. When I want something, I often can’t get it. When I let go of wanting it, I can get it. In either way, I don’t get the satisfaction for getting it.  So sad. Looking from a certain point of view, life seems pretty hopeless. : ( Really painful to let go of some things. Lately I’ve been having to keep saying to myself ”itwillgetbetter itwillgetbetter”. It kind of helps. I just have to be aware and trust, even though I have no idea how it’ll be better. 

I’m going to spend a night in a forest with my mama tomorrow. Let’s hope I don’t have to fight with a bear. But if I do, I promise I will fight bravely and die without fear if it comes to that. I’m still not over this fucking scene ?

And now I watched it again. I’m such a genius

I’m going to sleep.

[DrewNows]

you hate yourself because you don't think you should be the way you are, but THAT IS the way you are, and it is OKAY to feel the way you do, it is okay to be afraid, to hold fear, to be fear, and express this. There has to be true acceptance before change can be possible, have fun in nature!!! 

THIS would be your relationship with a grizzly, don't let the movies fool you 

Edited July 12, 2019 by DrewNows

[Iiris]

12 hours ago, DrewNows said:

you hate yourself because you don't think you should be the way you are, but THAT IS the way you are, and it is OKAY to feel the way you do, it is okay to be afraid, to hold fear, to be fear, and express this.

Yess I know I can love myself even when I hate myself

12 hours ago, DrewNows said:

have fun in nature!!! 

Thanks I will!

12 hours ago, DrewNows said:

 

THIS would be your relationship with a grizzly, don't let the movies fool you 

That’s lovely 

[DrewNows]

To truly accept every thought and feeling we have is to validate our self concept that creates it. This works counterintuitively to free our true self from the thought patterns governing our reality.

Then, perhaps, we can consciously be whoever or whatever we want to be and allow joy to radiate from us. 

We are forever undefinably perfect ? ? ?

Edited July 13, 2019 by DrewNows

[Iiris]

@DrewNows Thank you for reminding. ? Everything is as it should be

Btw that’s a funny sentence to think about when you’ve waken up in the middle of the night in the woods with a terrible headache and nausea and you’re too scared to even go walk around a bit ?? I have six hours of this hell left ? This experience better grow me as a human being. Imma stop looking at this phone, focus on the suffering and maybe try to sleep now

[DrewNows]

15 minutes ago, Iiris said:

I have six hours of this hell left ?

This one made me ?? 

16 minutes ago, Iiris said:

This experience better grow me as a human being.

Do you want it to grow you as a human being? If so....prove it ?

maybe fear can be seen as a positive sensation (something I’ve yet to completely accept in my reality ?)

there’s no here nor there, only now ???

[Iiris]

7 hours ago, DrewNows said:

maybe fear can be seen as a positive sensation

I noticed that really helps!

And I survived! I appreciate the comfort of my own bed much more now. I freakin love my bed

[Iiris]

@Marc Schinkel I’m not sure if there’s a point but yeah that’s beautiful and almost Finnish ?

[kag101]

On 7/2/2019 at 7:55 AM, Iiris said:

This is funny

Haha! Good one!