My Struggle with Social Anxiety

[Iiris]

2 hours ago, Marc Schinkel said:

Nah no point, but I realized this quote pretty much sums up how I feel about life:

??

[Iiris]

I finally realized that change is gradual. I’m not trying to be perfect in the same way anymore

Do nothing meditation doesn’t work for me anymore. I’m just neurotically thinking and sometimes waking up from thought for ten seconds. It used to be vice versa. I’m trying mindfullness meditation again

I’ve ended up in a situation where I have to go to a music festival with basically random people. I talked with the guy who works with people like me and he said that I have to set realistic goals for stuff like that. I think my goal is to just be there. Even though I know I’ll hate it if I’m not perfect. I still in a way don’t get that change is gradual. I’d like to be able to drink like everyone else. But it’s whatever, good music makes me relaxed and it’s too loud to talk anyways. I’ll just embrace my awkwardness and everything will be fine. When I try to fight and hide my awkwardness everything turns into shit

[Iiris]

12 hours ago, Marc Schinkel said:

 

Introvert problems huh?

 

 

Yess! She gets it

[Iiris]

A Finnish band played this song and I realized how much I love it even though the music style is not my favourite

 

[kag101]

On 7/21/2019 at 9:52 AM, Iiris said:

A Finnish band played this song and I realized how much I love it even though the music style is not my favourite

 

Very nice. 

[Colin]

Hey, this is a good read, lots of food for thought.



Godspeed!

[Iiris]

@Colin Thanks!

 

I can’t sleep because I’m too stressed out because of the baccalaureate (again what a fucking word). I close my eyes and I start to think about all the shit that could happen if I don’t get nearly perfect results. I don’t care about the results themselves, but they’re my pass to college. I feel like I’m going a bit crazy. I wouldn’t even like to focus on school stuff, but I have to squeeze through this next half a year. I’ve been lazy all summer so now I have to speed up because school starts soon and then I won’t have time for reading extra stuff. Some people literally read all day but I can’t reach that I have other stuff I value. I can’t sleep so I’ll just go now to read more biology

[Iiris]

Someone has released my authentic self

 

[Iiris]

My latest post is pretty stupid and I regret it

I’m playing to 12-year-olds tomorrow. I’m somewhat anxious about it. Deep Purple played at the same stage last year so that’s pretty cool  I’m worrying more about my upcoming hiking adventure in Lapland. I’m still not over the hell that I went trough in the woods some time ago hehe. Now it’s four nights and I have no escape. Send me strenght. I like hiking. I just don’t like sleeping cold and uncomfortable. Why am I complaining about everything in my life : D

I noticed some time ago that I can’t look my dad in the eyes for longer than a sec. And when I do look at him I can’t keep my face straight. I have to lift my eyebrows and corners of my mouth and make this face. I can look at random people when I speak to them or listen to them but not my dad. Just shows how fucked up our relationship is

My amount of motivation is waving. I was reading huge amounts of biology and meditating and all that for many days straight, then one night I coudn’t keep on going anymore and I watched baby orangutan videos until morning. Then the next day I was tired and felt lazy, and the next day and the next day which is today. It could be easier to accept my laziness if the day that defines my future  (baccalaureate whatafuckingword) woudn’t be getting closer and closer while I’m not preparing for it

I can’t spam the inspirational songs and music thread anymore. I love this song, it makes me happy and sad

I’ve just been writing some shit in this journal for over half a year with no progress : D Oh god. Maybe I have some progress. Definitely not enough to clearly notice. But I have a new strategy now. I put clear, reachable goals for me in every social situation. It has made me hate myself less after those situations. And it probably helps me progress more. It makes me feel like I’m actually getting better

[DrewNows]

20 hours ago, Iiris said:

My latest post is pretty stupid and I regret it

“Only stupid sees stupid, stupid”  

think about what this may actually mean for judgment and self criticism in general (also what it means for me, that yes I /everyone can be stupid sometimes, but what this actually means is I need to "be stupid" or make mistakes so I can learn from them

On 7/30/2019 at 4:02 PM, Iiris said:

Someone has released my authentic self

 

This is epic, give this man an Oscar. I can only imagine the ripple effect this had on some of the people who witnessed/experienced it, thanks for sharing 

that thing about your dad, very interesting, awesome you picked up on it. My relationship to my father was much the same as he controlled people, my brother and I had to act a certain way around him and still did into adulthood. It can be one of the most liberating yet hardest things to break an unhealthy bond to make healthy boundaries when you’re so used to putting someone else first. When you’ve learned catering to someone else’s needs before your own is the only way to receive love/acceptance there comes a lot of fear and guilt (resistance) in readjusting the relationship dynamics 

Edited August 2, 2019 by DrewNows

[Iiris]

6 hours ago, DrewNows said:

This is epic, give this man an Oscar. I can only imagine the ripple effect this had on some of the people who witnessed/experienced it, thanks for sharing

Thanks for making me regret that post less That's true. He did what we secretly want to do but are too afraid, and that's quite inspiring

6 hours ago, DrewNows said:

It can be one of the most liberating yet hardest things to break an unhealthy bond to make healthy boundaries when you’re so used to putting someone else first. When you’ve learned catering to someone else’s needs before your own is the only way to receive love/acceptance there comes a lot of fear and guilt (resistance) in readjusting the relationship dynamics 

Probably this gets easier when I move out of here

 

I just had an amazing evening. I played to the kids with the band and god, I felt free and happy. Like sometimes I feel stuck when I play guitar, like I have to force everything. When I play live I feel the opposite of that. My solos were on point. I didn't force them like I sometimes do, and I loved playing them, and it sounded beautiful and I loved it. And some random kid told me we were really good.

The singer was like "I wish I could go to a bar with some of you but you're underage" and I was like "I just turned 18" and then we decided that we'll go to a bar. It wasn't almost awkward at all, even when we were sober. I'm suprisingly open when I'm with only one person and when I have no option but talk with them. We went to see some band at a bar that covered Jimi Hendrix and Stevie Ray Vaughan songs and that was like the second best thing after actual Stevie Ray Vaughan and Jimi Hendrix. Then we went to another bar and some local band played there. Before they started playing we were just talking about stuff and it was easy, maybe alcohol helped. I was just telling her that I have no real friends and it felt so good to tell that, I wasn't ashamed at all.

When we left that place my chemistry teacher came to talk with us and he was absolutely wasted. When he left we laughed our asses off. I coudn't breathe. I was drunk enough to say her that we need to gs ao to some concert or music festival together and she was like yes and told that she hasn't had this much fun in a long time. I've lost all my good friendships because I've been too afraid to be in contact with those people and ask them to hang out with me. I've thought that I will just dissappoint them if I see them again, and it's better to keep the good impression that I have given. This is not going to end for the same reason.

And tomorrow I will wake up at 8 am and start the great adventure, the battle for survival. What the hell am I about to do loll. I'll tell you how it went after six days

SRV is my biggest inspiration in guitar. Look at that amazing shit

 

 

 

 

'

 

 

 

 

[DrewNows]

9 hours ago, DrewNows said:

“Only stupid sees stupid, stupid”  

I hope you didn't find this offensive  

It sounds pretty dumb, but it seems wise with a step back. Sometimes i cannot hold back, and it's quite funny ill later realize and laugh at myself for saying certain things/making assumptions. This is something i have learned to do and it makes me proud i don't need to beat myself up for making mistakes 

You're doing great, you can be proud of your apparent "effortless" progress  Keep doing what your doing, have a great trip

[Iiris]

34 minutes ago, DrewNows said:

I hope you didn't find this offensive  

I didn’t no worries ?

34 minutes ago, DrewNows said:

Sometimes i cannot hold back, and it's quite funny ill later realize and laugh at myself for saying certain things/making assumptions. This is something i have learned to do and it makes me proud i don't need to beat myself up for making mistakes 

❤️ 

34 minutes ago, DrewNows said:

You're doing great, you can be proud of your apparent "effortless" progress  Keep doing what your doing, have a great trip

Thank youu ❤️

[kag101]

On 7/26/2019 at 6:56 PM, Iiris said:

I can’t sleep because I’m too stressed out because of the baccalaureate (again what a fucking word). I close my eyes and I start to think about all the shit that could happen if I don’t get nearly perfect results. I don’t care about the results themselves, but they’re my pass to college. I feel like I’m going a bit crazy. I wouldn’t even like to focus on school stuff, but I have to squeeze through this next half a year. I’ve been lazy all summer so now I have to speed up because school starts soon and then I won’t have time for reading extra stuff. Some people literally read all day but I can’t reach that I have other stuff I value. I can’t sleep so I’ll just go now to read more biology

Wow... it's really sad how young people have to deal with so much pressure & stress... 

[Iiris]

40 minutes ago, kag101 said:

Wow... it's really sad how young people have to deal with so much pressure & stress... 

Right?! Makes me angry

[Iiris]

On 4.8.2019 at 5:10 PM, Marc Schinkel said:

 

@Iiris I bought a guitar a week after listening to this. It's a cult classic in the fingerstyle community.

 

 

Loved that, thanks

On 4.8.2019 at 5:10 PM, Marc Schinkel said:

Your authentic self is the BOMB!

That’s what I wanted you all to know 

 

I’m in this tent again. Biggest thing I’ve learned so far is that four nights is a lot more than one night

[Iiris]

My legs are dead. Dead dead dead. I can barely walk in the bathroom of this hotel room. I have never appreciated being in hotel more. I love this bed and this bed loves me. Today my legs started shaking, but I still walked through a few mountains after that

I underestimated everything, the difficulty and the beauty. Look at this. I didn’t know Finland has this.

 

[Zigzag Idiot]

Beautiful!

[Iiris]

School started agaain and it wasn’t as bad as I though it would be. There’s too many people though and I feel like everyone is staring at me. Felt nice to talk to some people

I watched Leo’s video about not giving a fuck again. I’m trying to seriously implement it this time. I’m glad there’s no Starbucks near by though. The technique only works at Starbucks right. I’m going to say the affirmation and be mindful atleast. Probably figure out something uncomfortable to do

One of the rare things I want myself to do and also want to do is playing and singing. Jesus I love it. I was just playing and singing some songs and I loved it so much I started fucking laughing. 

Lovely song to sing

I should’ve put this video of him here

 

[Iiris]

@roopepa You’re from Finland too that’s cool. Thanks for reminding me of all that important stuff