My Struggle with Social Anxiety

[Iiris]

5 hours ago, roopepa said:

Yup, torille jne. 

vittusaatana perkele etc

5 hours ago, roopepa said:

You got a good taste in music btw.

Yay someone noticed : P

5 hours ago, roopepa said:

Jethro Tull kept me alive during the worst times. It's weird how important music can be to people. 

That sounds rough. Someone actually played me Jethro Tull the New Year's eve I started this journal, I absolutely loved their style. Too bad I didn't listen to them more. I think I'm going to now

[Iiris]

I have a flu. Liquid is constantly bleeding from my right eye and nostril, not epic. And my voice is super duper low. I'm ashamed to speak : D Maybe it was a mistake to sing in the morning, jesus

Thanks to the new subforum about recourses I found out that some universities actually teach spirituality. I've never been this excited about formal education. At least some of them cost quite a lot of money tho. Here university education is free, but I didn't find anything like that in my country. Now I'm even more confused about what the heck I'm going to do. I could ask the student counsellor about this, but she probably doesn't know shit about conscious universities. I could ask her anyway and make her feel shitty about her professional ability. Probably I can get some help at least. I'm still stressing about my goddamn grades

Not really anything else here. I just made a phone call and it was easier than usual even though I sound like a goblin. Maybe I am progressing

I've been thinking about ending this journal and maybe starting a new one when/if I feel like it, but I'm not sure. I like writing here but also I'm a little too attached maybe. Plus I don't like to look at my earlier posts at all : D A few days earlier I wanted to end this but now I actually don't, Idk. I'll keep on going for now

[Iiris]

@roopepa I don’t think I have to study spirituality in a university. I just think it would be cool if I could. But I do think I have to get more than a high school education to feel secure. I’m not yet ready to go and employ myself, I’m not good at promoting myself or anything like that. It would be nice to have some kind of education with which I could get a decent job if other things don’t work out.

Even though if I didn’t waste my energy to stress about all of this I would probably go do something I love and create something beautiful that makes money too haha

[Iiris]

I feel kinda sad and empty, same as yesterday. I don't know what else I have to say : D Not very pleasant. I noticed that I'm a little better with dealing with this than I used to be. I don't want to just completely numb myself, it feels wrong

Also right now I feel like I'm not good enough

I posted this song already in the inspirational music thread but goddamnit I love it. Everything in this post is depressing but it's ok

 

Oh and something else EXTREMELY sad here hehee

 

 

Edited August 24, 2019 by Iiris

[Iiris]

I’m so restless

Yesterday I realized that I care slightly less. Like I don’t replay every awkward thing I did in my head a million times anymore. Wonderful. I haven’t really noticed change before this. Maybe the fucking affirmation worked

[ahmad ibdah]

Watch Leo's last video. It will be very helpful if you stick to the technique.

[Iiris]

@ahmad ibdah Thanks I will

[Leonid]

Hello Liris, I also have had a strong social anxiety, inferiority complex, shyness and all that. 

 

But now I'm constantly putting myself out there, being social, meeting people, going to different events and so on, and it's becoming better. 

 

But it takes a lot of courage and fearlessness on my side, especially considering I don't drink alcohol.

 

But I really wish you luck, I think you can visit way more social events in Finland than I am in Russia ( not moscow)

[Iiris]

23 hours ago, Leonid said:

But now I'm constantly putting myself out there, being social, meeting people, going to different events and so on, and it's becoming better. 

That’s nice to hear

23 hours ago, Leonid said:

But I really wish you luck

Thanks

[Iiris]

Sometimes I don’t know what the hell I’m doing but I’m doing something because I have to do something you know 

I did a loong guided meditation and felt really weird and good afterwards. I was just trembling, crying and laughing

And I got a driver’s license. I get old way too fast. Time goes both extremely slow and extremely fast. More memes

[Iiris]

Who tf said I belong in the advanced musicians group. The guy starts talking about scales I’ve never heard of like I should be really familiar with them. Also expects that I can read notes. I guess I’m going to start studying a little music theory. I was really ashamed : D

[Iiris]

@roopepa Thanks I know 

[NoSelfSelf]

You sound like a girl from Kanojo wa Uso wo Aishisugiteru manga wtf ?

[Iiris]

1 hour ago, NoSelfSelf said:

You sound like a girl from Kanojo wa Uso wo Aishisugiteru manga wtf ?

wtf ?

[Iiris]

I wouldn’t like to say this but I’m really close to fucking up my education. There’s some permanent damage already. Idk what the hell I’m going to do with this procrastination

The thumbnail for Leo’s new video about love is beautiful. I can’t stop looking at it

What else do I wanna say. My self-esteem is going all up and down, more than normally. At some moment I feel like I’m pretty awesome and at some other moment I feel like I’m not good enough to be alive ? And now that I wrote that I want to cry. Ugh 

This song is lovely too

 

[Iiris]

Reversing the should statements feels so good. People shouldn’t like me. I should be anxious. I should be awkward as fuck. I should fuck this thing up. I should be lazy. It’s sometimes uncomfortable but mostly it just feels good. Okay, some of these I don’t want to accept. Like I should gain weight. No I shouldn’t

I’ve been avoiding doing schoolwork because I have to plan telling about a book that I read for school, and I don’t want to think about that. I don’t like this kinda stuff that I have to plan beforehand, because then I can’t just forget it. I’ve become much better at not worrying about stuff I can’t affect

I feel like I’ve healed a bit. One day I was laughing my ass off in the shower because I got this burst of self-love and femininity. I don’t remember when was the last time I felt that good about myself. I might be just crazy too. But after that I might have been feeling a bit more relaxed and open. I was talking to the guy who helps me with the anxiety stuff. Usually I’m nervous and sweating and everything there but now I was just breathing and thinking that this is not actually that terrible

I’m going to play with the band at an event this friday. I haven’t talked with the singer even though I promised myself. Shit. This is where my friendships and potential friendships go

 

What I really want with all this is to just be authentic. It’s so inspiring to see truly authentic people. I want to be like that

Fuck itt I’m just going to put this song here

 

Edited September 10, 2019 by Iiris

[DrewNows]

Hehehe.

You’re doing great, crazy will always have it’s time and place, nothing’s worth denying but thoughts are only thoughts, keep flying you crazy butterfly ? 

[Iiris]

9 hours ago, DrewNows said:

You’re doing great, crazy will always have it’s time and place, nothing’s worth denying but thoughts are only thoughts, keep flying you crazy butterfly ? 

That’s so lovely. I will

[Iiris]

Seems like I have an improvisation gig tomorrow :)))))

"Just play some blues guitar"

[Iiris]

Of course it went well. I just keep surviving stuff and I don’t even know how. I don’t regret anything. It was fun. I’m much better at improvising than composing. I like the flow. I was definitely scared as hell though. Now I feel kinda depressed because I don’t know when I’ll have that kind of opportunity again

Im quitting this journal now seriously : D I’m full of this. It was fun but now I’m just tired of writing here. I’ll probably make a new one when I feel like it. Maybe with a similar theme. I’m grateful to everyone who has read or commented. I love you and you will be fine