My Struggle with Social Anxiety

[Iiris]

4 hours ago, kag101 said:

Sooooo??? How did it go?

It went well lol. I was sure it was going to end up with people throwing tomatoes at me or something. But people liked us. I had a complete blackout during the first song and played absolutely random stuff but no one apparently even noticed it. My solos were better than ever. I got these moments of enthusiasm when I was playing them. I wouldn't want to change anything about the thing. I played as good as possible. Three strangers told me I was great. I felt pretty cool.

My aunt asked if I had thought about going to a conservatoire. That would be cool. The problem is just that if I didn't get gigs I would have to work some lame-ass job until retirement because I have no education. And I'd rather kill myself than do that. So that option sounds risky. And I'm not good at making connections so success would be unlikely. For sure I know that my granpa regretted leaving music to become an engineer.

 

 

 

[DrewNows]

This is excellent to hear. Perhaps you will be inclined to take the leap of faith for your grandpa.

Be aware of the mind’s tendency to put all your eggs (possibilities) into one basket. Who’s to say you can’t play music while studying an interest, while working, or even while having a family etc etc 

 

[Iiris]

20 hours ago, DrewNows said:

Be aware of the mind’s tendency to put all your eggs (possibilities) into one basket. Who’s to say you can’t play music while studying an interest, while working, or even while having a family etc etc 

Yup that's true. If I started to study music it would be easy to find people to play with. But probably I could also find them otherwise. And I can always compose by myself

If I take that gap year I have 1.5 years to consider this. Anything can happen in 1.5 years. Especially if I go crazy adventuring around the planet

[DrewNows]

Haha yes you’re awesome ??

 

[Iiris]

@DrewNows =D

[Iiris]

I wonder what the hell I'll be writing here in the summer because I'm doing absolutely nothing then. Probably I should ask my cousin to go to some music fesival with me. She's honestly my only friend I actually want to be my friend. Jesus. I just want people to do crazy stuff with. I fucked up all my good previous friendships. I never asked anyone to hang out with me because I was too anxious and people just faded away from my life.

Writing this post has taken too long. I've been sitting here for like 45 minutes. Between each scentence I stare out of the window for at least 5 minutes and just think. Why is this so hard for me.

Okay I'm laughing my ass off right now this post is so depressing : D

Idk why I'm writing this journal. Often I feel like I'm coming here and trying to push out some text and everything I write feels unauthentic. It might be that I just write here because afraid of what will happen if stop this. If I stop I'm alone with my struggles

A good thing is that ice hockey world championship is going on and I can distract myself with that

[Iiris]

I've been worrying less. I noticed that because yesterday I worried about future like I once used to and it felt bad. I rarely worry like that anymore. I don't think I really get how much I've grown. I shut down useless thoughts all the time. It wasn't like that like two years ago.

I feel like I'm getting nowhere with being social. I fear people as much as I used to. In the winter I filled some kind of paper about mental health with my psychologist and I did it again now. I rated many things worse this time, and nothing was better The psychologist told me that it's probably because I'm more aware of these things and it's true. I've especially noticed how crazy amounts of shame I hold. It's terrible. Deep down I think that I don't belong in this world. I feel so bad for myself that I feel like crying right now. I also wanted to cry when I was writing my previous post It's a good thing I think.

I've been getting annoyed by everyone and everything and I lack compassion. Just like my father. It especially disturbs me how rude I am to mum. She tries to talk to me and I answer her questions as shortly as possible to let her know her questions annoy me. The moment I do that I feel bad about it. Then I look at her and think about how bad I'll feel when she's dying and I'm sitting next to her thinking about how I wasn't kind enough. A book said that healing my relationships heals my sense of self-worth. I don't know how I heal my relationships. I don't want to do that. It means that I have to uncomfortable stuff. I am so distinct from even my family members that I can't feel love towards them

I went to see that guy and he told me to look at people. So I've been trying to stare them as much as I can and remember. I definitely have problems with eye contact

I feel more motivated about this journal again. I will try to write here more like this was a private journal

Honestly I can't even look at my previous posts and my profile picture This is terrible I try to push my eyes there but it hurts. I didn't really want to write that because I don't want you to know that I'm so crazy that I can't look at my picture or posts. And I don't want you to know that I don't hang out with anybody. Because jesus I am ashamed of that

This song plays in my head regularly

 

 

 

 

[Iiris]

I'm stuck in giving up and then trying again thinking that this time I won't fuck up and give up. So stuck. One day I do everything perfectly and next day I binge watch youtube. I know this pattern so goddamn well and can't get rid of it. I get resistance. Then I start being lazy. Then I waste my time. Then I get stressed about wasting my time. I can't accept that I'm wasting my time. Then I decide that from tomorrow I won't waste my time. Then I feel like I have my life together. What am I afraid of? I know I have to accept myself. I have to accept the part of myself that hates when I'm lazy and the part that is lazy. Yesterday I watched a Teal Swan video about fragmentation and it really opened my eyes

Today I drove a car on a road for the first time. I was terrified and sweared a lot. I seriously once had a nightmare about driving on that same road not knowing where the brake is

I thought my cousin doesn't like me but today she asked if we could go travel somewhere after high school. I said fuck yes. She doesn't hate me and I'm paranoid!

We have recordings with that band next week. I'm a bit terrified. I don't want to see everyone listen my shitty playing being played over and over and over again. I know it's not shitty. But still I make ALOT of mistakes. And I don't even fucking know how to play those songs. I just went with the help of holy spirit in that concert too. Oh god. I've just been trying to turn my anxiety into excitement

Oh and this song is sooo beautiful, I've been singing it literally everywhere

 

 

Edited June 8, 2019 by Iiris

[DrewNows]

Hey you’re doing awesome! Here’s another one you’re going to love 

Btw: I think you may be afraid to admit you don’t have any control of yourself, those thoughts are simply there trying to protect you but they play no part in your abilities. Might as well love and accept all them thoughts until they die and leave a groundless YOU ready for action and connection with the Holy Spirit 

Edited June 9, 2019 by DrewNows

[Iiris]

@DrewNows Thanks for the video, that’s some very important stuff! I had a crazy big gap in my understanding before watching those two videos

21 hours ago, DrewNows said:

Might as well love and accept all them thoughts until they die and leave a groundless YOU ready for action and connection with the Holy Spirit 

❤️?

[Iiris]

Recordings went better that I expected. We didn't really have time so some of my playing there is shitty but I'm trying not to care because I tried my best. Of course I still care. I think it was good for me to hear my playing because I realized how much I bend out of tune and how shitty timing I sometimes have. I don't notice it when I play because I'm too excited. I'm glad a friend of mine was working there, it made me more relaxed.

I hope Leo doesn't turn into a mass murderer. Also I've been thinking if I'm the only one here or not. I don't know how that's possible to know. But I don't really care too much about that. Also now when I sit on the sofa I feel like a giant god in my cosmic living room and it's COOL

I had a high moment yesterday. I went to see Rocketman last week, it was a great movie and made me kinda obsessed with Elton John's music. We have some vinyls of his and yeasterday I was home alone and put them playing. I was dancing, one with the music. It was beautiful and joyful. And if I tell more I'll appear to be nuts

I'm sorry I put nothing but music here anymore but I just fucking have to. This is an eargasmic song

 

[Iiris]

13 hours ago, Marc Schinkel said:

Hey @Iiris , I love checking your journal from time to time. Your posts are waaaaay too cool to be coming from someone your age. 

Thanks!! I’m glad to hear that

13 hours ago, Marc Schinkel said:

Did you know that Elton John was inspired to write Crocodile Rock after he heard this song from an Australian Band?

No but that makes sense ?

13 hours ago, Marc Schinkel said:

There is a tradition here, whenever this song is played in a bar everybody pulls down their pants to their ankles and hops around in circles flapping their wings. It's very fun. You could try next time you are home alone 

Oh my god ??

[hamedsf]

YOUR MAIN PROBLEM IS THAT YOU're MORALIZING EVERYTHING

you're always in your head and overanalyzing everything, you make meaning of every situation in your head, and that could even make matter worse

One point, that I wanna make is that we're always in our heads and not fully awake in entire body, there's not right and wrong in this life, and you could do anything you want in your life even the things that your parents are feeling disgusted about! 

[Zigzag Idiot]

@hamedsf Your main problem is that you're Saturnine in essence, like me. ??

Welcome to the forum! ??

Edited June 18, 2019 by Zigzag Idiot

[hamedsf]

@Zigzag Idiot Thank you!

But why Saturnine? :))

[Zigzag Idiot]

46 minutes ago, hamedsf said:

@Zigzag Idiot Thank you!

But why Saturnine? :))

As Saturnine essence people influenced by the anterior lobe of the pituitary with its chemistry, it often has us telling people what's what about things. ? Which is also a part of our psychological blind spot. 

Im not trying to proselytize this system or an ideology. Meant to be taken with a grain of salt,,,,,,,

?‍♂️?

[hamedsf]

@Zigzag Idiot but what has it to do with me? Because you told that it's my main problem :))

[Zigzag Idiot]

@hamedsf

Just your initial advice to liris had the Saturnine tone to it. -

"YOUR MAIN PROBLEM IS THAT YOU're MORALIZING EVERYTHING

you're always in your head and overanalyzing everything, you make meaning of every situation in your head, and that could even make matter worse

One point, that I wanna make is that we're always in our heads and not fully awake in entire body, there's not right and wrong in this life, and you could do anything you want in your life even the things that your parents are feeling disgusted about! "

 

It wasn't meant as a personal putdown. Just a blunt observation about what appeared to me as a Saturnine essence characteristic.  There's no doubt that I can be a dick sometimes, though.

You're welcome to question me, respond or offer criticism to my assessment in my Journal. If you care to .

Peace,  ?‍♂️?

 

Edited June 18, 2019 by Zigzag Idiot

[hamedsf]

@Zigzag Idiot If Saturnine is teaching the same words as I wrote, it could be an interesting school to follow! 

I didn't get it as a putdown but I was surprised why you did such a comment about me but now it's clear...

I'm seeing the problems of our young generation and I feel pity to us (including myself), that we've been deeply ingrained about what should do and not to do, what is right and what isn't, that makes the younger person prone to any kind of psychological problems (in case of this journal of the topic anxiety and...)

So I'm taking that WE ARE 100% FREE to do what we want even it bothers the feelings of our family members! 

[Iiris]

On 18.6.2019 at 1:00 PM, hamedsf said:

YOUR MAIN PROBLEM IS THAT YOU're MORALIZING EVERYTHING

you're always in your head and overanalyzing everything, you make meaning of every situation in your head, and that could even make matter worse

One point, that I wanna make is that we're always in our heads and not fully awake in entire body, there's not right and wrong in this life, and you could do anything you want in your life even the things that your parents are feeling disgusted about! 

Yup that's true. All my problems boil down to me believing that some things are good and some bad. Letting that go is way easier said than done though