My Struggle with Social Anxiety

[Iiris]

@How to be wise I’ve watched that video. When I was watching it I thought that I was pretty patient. After some time I realized that I’m only patient about external stuff, about internal stuff I’m very impatient. Like I understand that it takes time to build a good life. But then I expect myself to be able to relate well to every situation, not understanding that it takes time to learn that

[Iiris]

I’ve became better at asking people questions. I used to always stress about saying something clever or funny in a conversation. The more I tried to do that the more terrible shit came out of my mouth. Now I just ask questions. I don’t have to be clever, funny or special to be nice to be around

And I have to say another thing now, writing feels pretty hard for me. I feel like I talk about stuff with no point, just wandering around. It might be that it’s hard for me to express myself in this way or it might be that I’m just plain stupid lol. Sometimes I feel like I don’t really have anything to say. Often I write something and come to the conclusion that it’s absolute nosense. Maybe I’m just too self-critical, I don’t know.

[Iiris]

The Concert is a week away. I have mixed feelings about it. They're alternating between fear, excitement, beforehand depression and even pride. I know I'll be depressed after that. I won't be going forward in this music thing because I haven't built connections. I think I might be playing a victim here. I want to say that my life is fucked because I'm like this, cry and quit.

I think that I'll be able to survive the playing part. I'm not that bad at it anymore. Sometimes it's hard to notice growth because it happens so slowly. I really enjoy playing. I just played for almost 2 hours straight when it was supposed to be 30 mins. There aren't many things I get that engaged in. I was very concentrated but not relaxed at all. When I stopped I felt very stiff. It's always like that when I play, I'm kind of present but kind of not. Playing is really addictive to me

My psychologist told me about some prgram for shy people. What I understood about it is that there's some guy who I see regurarly and I get some practical advice for him. Also there's some meetings where all the shy people get together. The whole thing is free, which is quite amazing. I said yes to it

And also I just realized that I don't have to go straight to college from high school. I've always thought that I get some extra points from going straight to college, but apparently it isn't like that. And dear lord that's a good thing. I'm really sick of this whole education stuff. I need nothing more that a break from this. 12 years of my life I've been going to school and 17 years living in this same boring place. I just watched Leo's video about the phases and chapters and I really need to get to the phase where I pull back, whatever it's name was. So I'll probably take a year off and get the hell out of here and work as an au pair. It's exactly what I need. I'm really excited about it already. Also I want to go hiking and try to go to some meditation retreat. I want to go hiking to mountains. That's my biggest dream right now.

My father is just having a conflict with my little sister and he annoys me. He's unpredictable. That's what makes it emotionally draining to live with him. I can't even be fairly angry at him because he just randomly starts being nice to everyone

 

 

 

 

[Iiris]

I played at a concert again and I feel depressed again. I don’t know what’s worse about social anxiety, the anxiety itself or thinking about how much I’ve missed on life because of it. I half-ass so many things that I could go fully into if I wasn’t anxious. It’s so sad that I can’t live my life. And I’m missing up opportunities and fucking up my future. Pretty depressing this whole thing, I just want to bask in self-pity.

I wouldn’t really be happier though if I didn’t have social anxiety. Okay maybe a little, but I would create new things to be anxious and depressed about. I just have to be with what is.

[Gabriel Antonio]

On 5/5/2019 at 6:19 PM, Iiris said:

Maybe I’m just too self-critical, I don’t know.

Self-critical? Who? You??? No way! 

On 5/10/2019 at 6:01 PM, Iiris said:

My psychologist told me about some prgram for shy people. What I understood about it is that there's some guy who I see regurarly and I get some practical advice for him. Also there's some meetings where all the shy people get together. The whole thing is free, which is quite amazing. I said yes to it

Cool! I hope that helps! 

On 5/10/2019 at 6:01 PM, Iiris said:

And also I just realized that I don't have to go straight to college from high school. I've always thought that I get some extra points from going straight to college, but apparently it isn't like that. And dear lord that's a good thing. I'm really sick of this whole education stuff. I need nothing more that a break from this. 12 years of my life I've been going to school and 17 years living in this same boring place. I just watched Leo's video about the phases and chapters and I really need to get to the phase where I pull back, whatever it's name was. So I'll probably take a year off and get the hell out of here and work as an au pair. It's exactly what I need. I'm really excited about it already. Also I want to go hiking and try to go to some meditation retreat. I want to go hiking to mountains. That's my biggest dream right now.

The educational system is disgusting. Ew! It traumatizes people.

On 5/10/2019 at 6:01 PM, Iiris said:

My father is just having a conflict with my little sister and he annoys me. He's unpredictable. That's what makes it emotionally draining to live with him. I can't even be fairly angry at him because he just randomly starts being nice to everyone

He seems to be a very difficult person to relate. 

8 hours ago, Iiris said:

I played at a concert again and I feel depressed again. I don’t know what’s worse about social anxiety, the anxiety itself or thinking about how much I’ve missed on life because of it. I half-ass so many things that I could go fully into if I wasn’t anxious. It’s so sad that I can’t live my life. And I’m missing up opportunities and fucking up my future. Pretty depressing this whole thing, I just want to bask in self-pity.

Wow... in this one, you turned on self-critical mode to level hard, didn't you? 

You said, "I can't live my life," but you freaking played at a concert! This is a big deal! Seriously, congrats! Many social butterflies wouldn't have the courage to do so, especially if he or she doubted his/er own abilities like you do. 

What is the problem of basking in self-pity? I speak from personal experience: denying guilt is way worse than feeling guilt. 

Have you ever gone to a psychiatrist? Most of them suck, but if you find a good one, that can be really helpful to alleviate your pain!

8 hours ago, Iiris said:

I wouldn’t really be happier though if I didn’t have social anxiety. Okay maybe a little, but I would create new things to be anxious and depressed about. I just have to be with what is.

I just want to give you a hug right now. I think you're suffering a lot emotionally.   

 

Have a great rest of week!  

Edited May 15, 2019 by Gabriel Antonio

[Iiris]

5 hours ago, Gabriel Antonio said:

Self-critical? Who? You??? No way! 

I know it’s pretty crazy 

5 hours ago, Gabriel Antonio said:

Cool! I hope that helps!

Me too, it starts this friday

5 hours ago, Gabriel Antonio said:

He seems to be a very difficult person to relate.

I feel like I can see pretty well what’s going on in his head. I can kinda understand him but I can’t feel compassion, just anger. 

5 hours ago, Gabriel Antonio said:

You said, "I can't live my life," but you freaking played at a concert! This is a big deal! Seriously, congrats! Many social butterflies wouldn't have the courage to do so, especially if he or she doubted his/er own abilities like you do. 

 

Thanks, I know it’s great that I’m able to do that. It’s just that usually when I do something with my life I start to think all the things I’m not doing

5 hours ago, Gabriel Antonio said:

What is the problem of basking in self-pity? I speak from personal experience: denying guilt is way worse than feeling guilt. 

You’re right there’s no problem actually. It would have been good if I’d just cried and hated my life for some time. Instead I watched The voice top blind auditions until the sun started rising lol. 

5 hours ago, Gabriel Antonio said:

Have you ever gone to a psychiatrist? Most of them suck, but if you find a good one, that can be really helpful to alleviate your pain!

No I haven’t. Taking medication doesn’t sound very tempting to me. But I could think about that

5 hours ago, Gabriel Antonio said:

I just want to give you a hug right now. I think you're suffering a lot emotionally.   

 

Have a great rest of week!

?Thanks

[Iiris]

The day after the day after tomorrow will be the concert that I've been worrying about over half a year. I've wondered what it will feel like to be here for so long and now I am here. Jesus. We just practiced for the last time and I'm not ready for this at all. But it doesn't matter. My strategy is that it doesn't matter what I play but how I play. And I have to keep the rhythm. That will work out when I play with involment and confidence. I can play whatever terrible notes I want to but I have to own them. And rather play too loud than too quiet. This isn't about succeeding, this is about growing. It would actually be good for me to fuck up a few times. That's what I need. So I hope I'll fuck up.

I'm so not ready for this. Please god help me

I once googled "shy musicians" and it made me feel better because they apparently exist

There's nothing I can do anymore to help myself survive this. Expect being fully involved

I'm still unsure and not ready. And the interaction between the band members is shit. But it's not only my fault.

 

[DrewNows]

@Iiris I’m curious, why do you play if it makes you suffer so much? Is there any part of it where you absolutely feel “at home” doing? 

Usually these creative jobs produce “flow states” or at least a sort of absorption into the atmosphere and total experience. This is something most performers can’t live without haha

[Gabriel Antonio]

9 hours ago, Iiris said:

I feel like I can see pretty well what’s going on in his head. I can kinda understand him but I can’t feel compassion, just anger. 

I totally understand what you mean.

9 hours ago, Iiris said:

Thanks, I know it’s great that I’m able to do that. It’s just that usually when I do something with my life I start to think all the things I’m not doing

Yea, and that's a trap. This is anxiety convincing you that your life is not good enough. 

9 hours ago, Iiris said:

Me too, it starts this friday

Just careful to not get overexcited. Be a wise turtle, not an anxious hare. 

One meeting at a time. It's a process. So don't overshare, or force yourself too much. Just the fact that you're going there, it is enough. Don't beat yourself up, please, even though you love to do so.

9 hours ago, Iiris said:

You’re right there’s no problem actually. It would have been good if I’d just cried and hated my life for some time. Instead I watched The voice top blind auditions until the sun started rising lol. 

There's no problem feeling guilt. Resisting guilt is way worse. And resisting your resistance to guilt is even worse lol

I really dislike some advice that's given to sensitive people: "Stop being a victim! You're 100% responsible for your reality." Well, on the other hand, there are infinite circumstance that made me who I am. My upbringing, my genetics, my country etc. So in a way, we are victims of our circumstances. That's not to say we can't change. 

9 hours ago, Iiris said:

No I haven’t. Taking medication doesn’t sound very tempting to me. But I could think about that

I think medication doesn't sound tempting to anyone.

But it's like having a headache. Do you need medicine to get rid of it? No, but it'll take a longer time to pass and it will suck. There's nothing inherently wrong with taking medication. Sure, there are possible side effects. But many times, the side effects are much more manageable that the mental illness itself (also known as chemical imbalance). 

2 hours ago, Iiris said:

The day after the day after tomorrow will be the concert that I've been worrying about over half a year. I've wondered what it will feel like to be here for so long and now I am here. Jesus. We just practiced for the last time and I'm not ready for this at all. But it doesn't matter. My strategy is that it doesn't matter what I play but how I play. And I have to keep the rhythm. That will work out when I play with involment and confidence. I can play whatever terrible notes I want to but I have to own them. And rather play too loud than too quiet. This isn't about succeeding, this is about growing. It would actually be good for me to fuck up a few times. That's what I need. So I hope I'll fuck up.

I'm so not ready for this. Please god help me

I once googled "shy musicians" and it made me feel better because they apparently exist

There's nothing I can do anymore to help myself survive this. Expect being fully involved

I'm still unsure and not ready. And the interaction between the band members is shit. But it's not only my fault.

Good luck!! 

God bless you (even though I don't believe in that) 

Doing things like this is what real growth is about. You're stepping out of your comfort zone. 

"Thoughts alone can't change your reality, only radical action can."

Be aware of this: you'll likely feel very nervous during the concert, and you'll probably mess it up. And later on, you'll ruminate about that and you will self-hate. 

45 minutes ago, DrewNows said:

why do you play if it makes you suffer so much? Is there any part of it where you absolutely feel “at home” doing? 

Usually these creative jobs produce “flow states” or at least a sort of absorption into the atmosphere and total experience. This is something most performers can’t live without haha

Omg, are you serious? Lol 

Playing at the concert is a good type of suffering. Confidence is built through exposure. It's a "what doesn't kill you, make you stronger" type of thing. 

Antifragility is a property of systems that increase in capability to thrive as a result of stressors, noise, mistakes, faults, attacks, or failures.

 

I'm so excited for you!!

=) 

[DrewNows]

1 hour ago, Gabriel Antonio said:

Omg, are you serious? Lol 

Playing at the concert is a good type of suffering. Confidence is built through exposure. It's a "what doesn't kill you, make you stronger" type of thing. 

Actually I said im curious

It's good to question why we do what we do and our thoughts, feelings and beliefs. 

I have played in concerts and am familiar with the sort of confidence you describe, reliant on self certainty. But i am entertaining the possibility of an innocent (childlike) confidence produced when there is the surrendering of the illusory control of one's own abilities.  

Those who love to express, perform and create are not trapped in thought cycles comparing their thought-self with the environment/activity because they embody the whole (as in they lose themselves in the art) 

[DrewNows]

in my experience, anxiety leads to depression. 

2 hours ago, Gabriel Antonio said:

I really dislike some advice that's given to sensitive people: "Stop being a victim! You're 100% responsible for your reality." Well, on the other hand, there are infinite circumstance that made me who I am. My upbringing, my genetics, my country etc. So in a way, we are victims of our circumstances. That's not to say we can't change. 

changes come after accepting we are the creator of our anxiety and therefore, have the power to change how we perceive and react to given circumstances. Acceptance does not mean we take the blame, only means we no longer feel it's useful to point the finger outwardly and instead reflect inwardly. The outer world will always mirror the inner...this is what is meant by "we create our own reality" 

[kamill]

I suffered and still suffering from social anxiety but the main thing that helped me was confronting this issue every day just star by asking strangers for directions and slowly build up. You can try HOW TO BEAST confidence course even though it is your men there are plenty challenges you can do.  

Awareness alone is curative and it helps.

Iam starting musician as well and it helps me fight the fears so just stick to playing guitar 

 

[Iiris]

22 hours ago, DrewNows said:

I’m curious, why do you play if it makes you suffer so much? Is there any part of it where you absolutely feel “at home” doing? 

Usually these creative jobs produce “flow states” or at least a sort of absorption into the atmosphere and total experience. This is something most performers can’t live without haha

Sometimes I wonder if I’m doing this just because I’ve gone too far already and can’t quit because of that. But I do get flow when I’m playing alone or with people I’m comfortable with. I enjoy playing. And I’m very inspired to do it. When I watch some cool performance I feel like I have to be doing that.

But when I play with people I don’t know super well, I feel anxious and can’t really enjoy. Maybe if I truly loved to play I would overcome that fear of judgement. I’m not completely sure if music is my thing. But I know that when I’m not afraid I really like playing. I go to play in occasions I’m not comfortable in because I hope that my anxiety gets easier and I’ll be able to enjoy some day

21 hours ago, Gabriel Antonio said:

Be aware of this: you'll likely feel very nervous during the concert, and you'll probably mess it up. And later on, you'll ruminate about that and you will self-hate. 

On sunday in deep shame I’ll be telling here all the hundred things I messed up?

21 hours ago, Gabriel Antonio said:

Good luck!!

Thaanks!

@kamill ?Thanks for your tips, I will check out that course. Awareness alone is curative definitely. I hope we’ll get over this

[OctagonOctopus]

It is always before you go on to stage that is the part with the most anxiety. Remember, no matter what happens you will grow from it as long as you actually do it, and you can do it! I used to be very socially anxious about embarrassing myself, but now I see every time I "embarrass myself" is really an opportunity for me to learn to embody more humility. Much love! You got this! 

[DrewNows]

@Iiris hey wonderful I suspected (really it was obvious) you had genuine passion for playing. You are doing what makes you grow and you may not even be aware of it! 

Freedom you feel when playing without pressure or comfort is just around the corner and will become a part of every aspect of life 

Breath easy, laugh at your seriousness from time to time  

it’s crazy most of the things we worry about won’t even matter down the road 

 

[Iiris]

@DrewNows ❤️

[How to be wise]

@Iiris 1% theory, 99% action. Are you falling into the ‘too much theory’ trap.

[Iiris]

@OctagonOctopus Shit I didn’t even see your comment earlier, thanks for your encouragement 

@How to be wise Theory is overflowing and I’m having a hard time applying even one piece of it

[Iiris]

I’m sitting at backstage sweaty as fuck it’s like 30 celsius here. I’m excited to see  if I’m first going to shit myself or throw up.

Drunk people are probably going to judge me loudly. My hands are so sweaty I don’t know how will I be able to play

[kag101]

16 hours ago, Iiris said:

I’m sitting at backstage sweaty as fuck it’s like 30 celsius here. I’m excited to see  if I’m first going to shit myself or throw up.

Drunk people are probably going to judge me loudly. My hands are so sweaty I don’t know how will I be able to play

Sooooo??? How did it go?

https://ladnow.com/congratulations-meme/