My Struggle with Social Anxiety

[Iiris]

I'm considering taking my face off this profile picture. I can sometimes be a bit obsessed with this journal. If I changed the picture I maybe wouldn't care so much about this journal and I maybe could write more authentically, because it would be less "me" who is writing this stuff. And I wouldn't be so goddamn ashamed of everything I put here

I survived the music event press conference. Bonus point for that I don't even have to be very ashemed of myself!

When I got home I saw that my left eye mascara had smudged and it looked quite stupid. That's probably why that one guy gave me a weird look there

But yeah I had to tell about my "history" and I was suprised how relaxedly I was talking about it. And I thought it would be terrible when they would take pictures of us, but it was only relatively awkward (I'm glad that my hair was in a way that it covered my stupid looking mascara). Actually the whole thing was only relatively awkward when I thought it would be unbearable. Yay!

And the band members still don't talk to each other. After the conference I said to the singer something like "I was really nervous about this". I guess she missed it because she didn't anwser. Things got awkward and I escaped the building as fast as I could, avoiding eye contact. At least I tried.

After the conference I was half-excited half-terrified about our performance. Now I'm not that excited anymore. How are we going to perform if we can't communicate?

Please don't laugh at this ridicilous band situation of mine

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

[zambize]

8 minutes ago, Iiris said:

I'm considering taking my face off this profile picture. I can sometimes be a bit obsessed with this journal. If I changed the picture I maybe wouldn't care so much about this journal and I maybe could write more authentically, because it would be less "me" who is writing this stuff. And I wouldn't be so goddamn ashamed of everything I put here

I cringe at like half the shit I post in my journal 30 minutes after I posted it, I think it's super normal to feel naked and exposed and ashamed of who we are.  That's not to say it has to be like that, just that it's a completely normal thing that will probably go away with time.  Personally I think it's really nice when people have profile pictures, it puts more of a person behind the words and a lot of people just argue ideas and forget about the person, so I think it's a nice reminder that there is someone behind the words.  

If it's making you neurotically check the forums, or think it would help, then do what you have to do.  Over stimulation is a key contributed to anxiety and depression, especially among introverts.  If you find yourself constantly checking the forums tab, especially while you're trying to do other life activities, you may be making yourself more prone to anxiety than you think.  Some people like myself just seem to need an appropriate amount of silence and focusing on one task a day, you should make sure you're getting that.  The forums get in the way of that a bit for me so I've been limiting myself a bit in that regard.

Also regarding your band story where you were surprisingly relaxed, I also find times where I like talk to a girl that I'm really nervous to talk to or giving some kind of presentation that it typically goes a bit better than my mess of anxiety on the inside.  I'm usually like "oh shit this going better than expected, please keep going better than expected",  meanwhile my insides are turning

[Iiris]

54 minutes ago, zambize said:

I cringe at like half the shit I post in my journal 30 minutes after I posted it

Haha okay I'm glad to hear others do it too

I'm not really neurotically checking this place anymore, I used to do that just after I started this journal. I don't know, maybe if I someday really feel like changing this picture I'll do it and see what it feels like, I can always put the old one back

1 hour ago, zambize said:

I also find times where I like talk to a girl that I'm really nervous to talk to or giving some kind of presentation that it typically goes a bit better than my mess of anxiety on the inside.  I'm usually like "oh shit this going better than expected, please keep going better than expected",  meanwhile my insides are turning

Yeah it's funny how I often manage pretty well the situations that I think are almost impossible for me. Sometimes I even deal better with new scary situations than the everyday ones

[zambize]

9 minutes ago, Iiris said:

I don't know, maybe if I someday really feel like changing this picture I'll do it and see what it feels like, I can always put the old one back

It's pretty good for a selfie, I tried for like 2 hours on my tinder profile trying to get a good picture.  You definitely did better than me haha, I think it looks good, but we are all oh so critical of ourselves

11 minutes ago, Iiris said:

Yeah it's funny how I often manage pretty well the situations that I think are almost impossible for me. Sometimes I even deal better with new scary situations than the everyday ones

Yeah at the very least anxiety prepares us for shit.  Like we done run that scenario through our head a million times before it happens, all ready for every conceivable possibility    It's a gift and a curse in many ways 

[Iiris]

9 minutes ago, zambize said:

Yeah at the very least anxiety prepares us for shit.  Like we done run that scenario through our head a million times before it happens, all ready for every conceivable possibility    It's a gift and a curse in many ways

It feels bad but also keeps me alive I guess

[Iiris]

It's over 8pm right now. And the fucking sun won't set. It looks like it's still day outside. I'm home alone. My parents are at some theater and my little sister said four hours ago that she's "going out". She hasn't even gotten out of primary school and she's going out already. I should be the one who goes out in this family. I'm trying to reach my little sister because she should be home already but she won't answer. I hear mopeds on the road next to our house. I feel like everyone is having fun except me. Our dog just lost her shit for some reason and started barking like crazy. I got frightened but apparently no one is going to murder me. I really don't wonder why suicide rates are higher at spring. I can't handle this amount of light and it's only going to get worse. I am tired and I feel like shit. I haven't done anything reasonable today, I've just been lazy. Everything feels weird. It almost feels like I'm on some different planet or something.

But at least it feels nice to complain about all of this

 

 

 

 

[Iiris]

Okay I've made so goddamn many journal posts in my head here today, but right now I don't feel like writing those. Maybe I would get excited about the topic as I was writing it, but idk I don't have energy to actually write anything big or broad or great or anything that I have to use brain power to write. Right now I can just feel my sleep deprivation and it's bad. I don't know why I have to cause myself unnecessary suffering for staying up too late but I still do it. I haven't been this tired in a long long time. And all my other good habits are fucking falling apart. I've watched hours and hours and hours of the stupidest youtube videos. Don't even ask about my meditation.

I have to get my shit together. I'm not saying that I'm going to get my shit together because I won't fucking do that . It's easier to say that I have to get my shit together

When I had my crazy self-destructive teen phase going on I used to get too little sleep on purpose. I guess I thought that would make my anxiety better because well, when I'm tired it's kinda like I'm drunk.

This is so stupid I have a healthy body that does everything for me and here I am just fucking throwing it into the trashcan. Thank you body. The amount of ungratefullness is insane. I got to do something about this (but I'm not going to). Okay I'm going to bed early today because really I'm so tired it's impossible to stay awake. I PROMISE

And, "the music event that I have to perform in" anxiety is increasing. Always when I think that maybe everything is going to be okay my mind reminds me of that goddamn music event

 

[Iiris]

There are many little things that I could write about. But I don't know if I can autentichally start writing about them because those things were in the past and now I'm here and they aren't relevant anymore.

And my life isn't falling apart like my last post made you understand. I slept and I feel better now

I'm always so ashemed of my writings here. I don't have to be. When I write what is true for me right now I'm not doing anything wrong. Maybe some time later those things aren't true for me anymore and I feel ashamed. But the things I write here don't have to be true all the time. I just write about moments, nothing more. I am not what I write here. My writings are just expressions of parts of me that used to be.

Okay right now I feel like everything I write here is stiff. It's hard to put my thoughts and ideas into proper sentences. Ugh whatever, I'm going to leave this bad journal post here and go to eat the leftover pizza

[Iiris]

Yesterday I had the most disgusting experience of my life. I was in a forest with my dog and I found her EATING A FUCKING RABBIT. Like she eats shit everyday but a rabbit is a bit worse. Thinking about it now makes me want to throw up. But with my determination I held my dog up from her collar until she let go of that thing. That situation made me realize that my dog is a bloodthirsty beast

And about social anxiety, I'll try to start meditating just before I go to social situations that I'm anxious about. That might give me more benefit that just meditating at some random time because that helps me to learn to deal with my anxiety

 

[Iiris]

My amount of trying has been evenly uneven. I decide to be a good human being and mindful and everything, and then I give up and decide to start later. It's so obvious and stupid and I still do it. I'm doing it right now. I wonder how long I'll be able to fool myself with this. I lack patience. I thought that I'm patient but I'm very impatient. It takes time to learn to live life well and I don't want to accept that. I think that I fear life and want to escape it in being perfect

[Javfly33]

On 15/4/2019 at 6:51 PM, Iiris said:

Yesterday I had the most disgusting experience of my life. I was in a forest with my dog and I found her EATING A FUCKING RABBIT. Like she eats shit everyday but a rabbit is a bit worse. Thinking about it now makes me want to throw up. But with my determination I held my dog up from her collar until she let go of that thing. That situation made me realize that my dog is a bloodthirsty beast

And about social anxiety, I'll try to start meditating just before I go to social situations that I'm anxious about. That might give me more benefit that just meditating at some random time because that helps me to learn to deal with my anxiety

 

[Iiris]

i just played at a concert and I feel lonely and depressed. I really don't wonder why so many rockstars were drug addicts. I just want to keeeeep playing with people but I got to go to sleep. I don't think that is going to work out. I feel like I didn't put all into my playing. I didn't fuck up once but I was thinking too much.

I didn't have time to write this post I should really be doing school stuff. But I don't have any motivation for school stuff right now. I want to play music. Yeasterday I was very motivated for school. My passions switch fucking quickly. Like one day I see some guy talk about medical school and I'm like yes I'm going to be a doctor!!!!!!! And then I read the chemistry book for three hours with great interest. Next day I play at a concert and want to be a musician. Then the next day I go for a hike and I want to be a fucking adventurer or something. Then I listen Leo talk about the Ox and I want to be a zen master teaching zen. And the list goes on. And some days I just feel anxious because I don't know what the fuck I want to be

I want to play music but I'm socially anxious. Let me cry myself to sleep. And it didn't help me when dad said "That one guy played really well. And he was, like very social too. I think he is going to be something." Fuck everything. I guess I'm never going to be anything because I'm just mediocre

And now I can't even be depressed in peace because I hear my dad complaining about his terrible life. I want to be complaining about MY terrible life

I have meditated three days straight. That feels like an accomplishment. Meditation is amazing. Best 20 minutes in my day is when I meditate. I start to feel like I'm floating above my seat and I connect with being. I remember when I started meditating. I think I was worse at it than an average person. I always ended up folded in half eating my fingers or something and neurotically thinking about stuff, unable to stop

I'm just going to put this song here because I love it and I'm about go to to shower and sing it

 

 

 

 

[Iiris]

We just played with my band to an audience of about five people plus the other performers there  It doesn’t matter. I felt good there at first. I talked to people and laughed with them. I was being awkward sometimes but I felt like I belonged there. Then we started playing and I went to my shell. I felt like I played badly and I felt like I wasn’t good enough to play in that band. I didn’t look at my bandmates when I was playing and after it because I was ashamed. I wasn’t shitty but I was very mediocre and boring. After we played I was really in my shell and depressed and just wanted to cry. I felt like everyone either hates me or feels sorry for me. Right now there’s shame, loneliness and despair. Nice. I don’t usually feel this shitty I just like to write when I feel like this

I don’t know if music is my thing. I’m too anxious to know

[Iiris]

Today I realized that I fear failure, in every aspect of life. I want to succeed and be perfect and move as fast as possible but life doesn't work like that

[How to be wise]

@Iiris This will take A LOT of work to cure. I know because I myself am in this process.

[DrewNows]

3 minutes ago, How to be wise said:

@Iiris This will take A LOT of work to cure. I know because I myself am in this process.

I am as well. This is where it all begins in the acknowledgement/acceptance.  I hope to hear more success @Iirisas you start to face these waves of fear in the moment they happen. 

Dont be too hard on yourself, you’re doing great, seriously ?

[Iiris]

16 hours ago, How to be wise said:

This will take A LOT of work to cure. I know because I myself am in this process.

Yes it will. That's really frustrating sometimes, I put so much effort into this and I feel like I get nowhere. But I just have to accept and be patient

18 hours ago, DrewNows said:

I am as well. This is where it all begins in the acknowledgement/acceptance.  I hope to hear more success @Iirisas you start to face these waves of fear in the moment they happen. 

Dont be too hard on yourself, you’re doing great, seriously ?

Thanks for your encouraging comment

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

[DrewNows]

2 hours ago, Iiris said:

Yes it will. That's really frustrating sometimes, I put so much effort into this and I feel like I get nowhere. But I just have to accept and be patient

Thanks for your encouraging comment

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

That’s the thing with fear, it only exists in relationship to thought. Even using thought as “hope” is an escape and a perpetuation of fear. 

Fear isn’t ended through effort, by defense, distraction or any other form of resistance 

The end to fear/anxiety is only possible when we stop seeing fear as something to be conquered or overcome. It must be understood in its entirety through observation. 

If you care to dive deeper into fear read through this very carefully: https://www.livereal.com/psychology/fear-krishnamurti/

Of course the real work is in the observation, cheers 

 

[Iiris]

@DrewNows Yeah I guess it isn’t just enough to go out of my comfort zone and suffer. I have to accept and be aware of the suffering. And thanks for the article. I’ve noticed that there’s nothing to fear in this moment. I just got to embody it

[How to be wise]

@Iiris