My Struggle with Social Anxiety

[Iiris]

1 hour ago, Wisebaxter said:

I'm a firm believer in Law of Attraction so if you can imagine how it would feel to be a sage, to be calm and in control, you can draw that to you. I'm sure you already are.

Thanks imma try that ?

1 hour ago, Wisebaxter said:

As for Social Anxiety, I suffer fro that too. I think that small steps coming out of your comfort zone is the best way forward. Psychedelics have also given me some good insights here and helped me build up confidence and love

Yea small steps is probably the most important. I have to actually go to social situations if I want to learn to deal with them

I haven’t tried psychedelics but playing with my consciousness sounds like fun. And well they could have some healing effect on me. If I had an opportunity to try them I definitely would

[Wisebaxter]

7 minutes ago, Iiris said:

Thanks imma try that ?

Yea small steps is probably the most important. I have to actually go to social situations if I want to learn to deal with them

I haven’t tried psychedelics but playing with my consciousness sounds like fun. And well they could have some healing effect on me. If I had an opportunity to try them I definitely would

Perhaps find a spiritual group, a local buddhist centre or something, so you'd at least be around like-minded people. Facebook is great for finding local groups. or if you have any hobbies, find an interest group for that. Again, visualise yourself doing something like that and feeling confidence and full of joy. Leo has some great books on his booklist for Law of Attraction. It's very powerful. 

Oh and CBD oil is supposed to be awesome for anxiety. You should be able to buy it where you are

 

Edited March 18, 2019 by Wisebaxter

[Iiris]

16 hours ago, Wisebaxter said:

Perhaps find a spiritual group, a local buddhist centre or something, so you'd at least be around like-minded people. Facebook is great for finding local groups. or if you have any hobbies, find an interest group for that. Again, visualise yourself doing something like that and feeling confidence and full of joy. Leo has some great books on his booklist for Law of Attraction. It's very powerful. 

Oh and CBD oil is supposed to be awesome for anxiety. You should be able to buy it where you are

Thanks for those tips! I've never seriously thought about finding some spiritual group. But now that you mentioned it, I'm thinking it would be soo cool to get to know people who are into spirituality, and even get friends like that. Thinking about it makes me excited. It's just shitty that I basically live in the middle of nothing. I don't have facebook either, but I'll do some research on this. At least when I get the hell out of here to some bigger city I could find those kinds of poeple

And I play electric guitar in two groups. I think playing is fun but in those groups it's mostly terrible because of the anxiety I wrote about that here some time ago. And also playing in both groups is taking too much of my time, I'll probably leave either one of them

 

 

 

[Iiris]

I thought I had complained about this enough, but my mama was gone for four days and at that time I realised how much of dad's negativity she has to handle. Because I had to handle all of it now, and it was a lot. I could hear him breath downstairs and I would get angry, because I heard that he was angry and frustrated with no reason like always. And the way he tries to raise my little sister... my god.

One time we were eating I felt like crashing my plate on his head. Then he suddenly asks me something very nicely, and I get confused and can't do anything but answer nicely. Then gets back into angry mode and starts annoying me again. That's how he is, one moment he's almost overly nice and playful, next moment he's frustrated with everything and everyone.

And when mum came back I could see how much of her energy goes to trying to deal with my dad. I don't even understand how she's able to smile and be positive when my dad goes around all angry. She tries to use humour to make dad more self-conscious, but of course dad doesn't laugh because his life is bad and we don't understand.

I may be taking sides too much. My mother isn't a perfectly good human being. And my father can be nice and funny. And it's not his fault that he is an asshole sometimes. He didn't really have a choice. He's a result of his circustamces. I can learn from him.

[Zigzag Idiot]

I empathize with all points of view you paint within your household. In the past as a periodically angry and reactive person, I would become completely overwhelmed with guilt at times which created a negative feedback loop and perpetuated the suffering. It's not an easy cycle to get out of.

[Iiris]

@Zigzag Idiot Thanks for ur comment! I don’t know if my anger is that big of a problem. I wouldn’t consider myself a person who gets angry easily. Mainly just my father makes me angry. And I usually don’t express my anger so there’s not much to feel guilty about. But of course I have to work on this anger cause things might get worse

[NoSelfSelf]

@Iiris im no psychologist but that sounds like your father is picture perfect narcissist and thats a disiess...you can only keep your distance and not get too much involved in his drama because you will become the fault of why hes angry etc understand it as it is hope this clarifys things..

[Iiris]

@NoSelfSelf Yeah he has a lot of issues with his mental health and he’s quite narcissistic too i guess. Trying to keep a distance is probably good. Otherwise I just get poisoned by him

[NoSelfSelf]

@Iiris I found when i worked on my mental health (yeah mayority of your anxiety etc is because of your parents you got from birth)and i dont get triggered and show it doesnt bother me other person unhealthy behaviours were lowered because your vibration rubs on them so you dont just help yourself you help others in contact with you...

[Iiris]

@NoSelfSelf Yea, if I don’t get angry at him for being angry, his anger doesn’t get more fuel. It’s just kinda hard to not get triggered. But sometimes I’ve been able to detach from that

[NoSelfSelf]

@Iiris Yeah i know its super hard,it sometimes impossible but thats just a radar of how much emotional healing you have to do it is helping you but in a moment you wont destroy something ^^

[Zigzag Idiot]

1 hour ago, Iiris said:

@Zigzag Idiot Thanks for ur comment! I don’t know if my anger is that big of a problem. I wouldn’t consider myself a person who gets angry easily. Mainly just my father makes me angry. And I usually don’t express my anger so there’s not much to feel guilty about. But of course I have to work on this anger cause things might get worse

I was actually refering to your fathers anger. I know it makes it difficult for everyone else but I was thinking about my  anger in the past and the guilt it caused me afterward and I'm sure it probably does your father. From what you said, it sounds like he really tries to be a good father. 

For me, anger is less of a problem than fear. Fear, automatically around everything. My sisters big struggle is anger though and I observe the guilt and remorse she feels after a round of word vomit. I've experienced that kind of anger and loss of control enough to know the inner suffering it produces. We all have our 'stuff'. ?

[Iiris]

@Zigzag Idiot Oh sorry, I completely misunderstood you.

My father never really says that he’s sorry. But probably when he’s being overly nice it’s because he’s feeling guilty. And I can’t say he’s not trying to be a good father. I know he wants his children to be happy. He has just so much of his own shit, and when he tries to do something to make us better human beings he usually makes us worse.

 

 

[Gabriel Antonio]

15 hours ago, Iiris said:

I know he wants his children to be happy. He has just so much of his own shit, and when he tries to do something to make us better human beings he usually makes us worse.

That's deep...

[Iiris]

11 hours ago, Gabriel Antonio said:

That's deep...

Lol I guess it is

[Iiris]

My little sister was just telling my parents how she's the cool one from their children and I'm the loser and nobody

That hurts........

And I just heard that terrible shit is gonna happen. We play at that music event with that band of mine and I have to go to some press conference next week because of it. I don't even know what that is, but it sounds scary as fuck. Also time is running too fast and the music event is gonna be in less than two months. Every time I think about it, ANXIETY. Could I get super enlightened or something before that so that it wouldn't matter if I fucked up everything ? Or could I have some weird energy release and just scream out my social anxiety ? Probably not, I have to face the terror.

I don't know how I'll survive that. But also I don't know how I could die there. I guess I'll still be alive after that somehow. I am not the least bit excited about this. One day I actually was but not anymore. There are phases when I don't worry about this event much. I think that it's not too big of a deal. But then there are phases when it's absolutely overwhelming to think about it. God. Why aren't I excited at all? This is the coolest thing ever! It's only a possibility. No one really cares if it turns into a diaster. I could have fun playing there... But wait a minute I can't even have fun when we are practicing because of my anxiety. *sigh* this is hopeless. Too much for me

 

 

[Shin]

 

[Iiris]

@Shin I've actually watched that video at some desperate moment of mine. It has great advice, I've seen those things work in my own life too

[Iiris]

Hehe

[Iiris]

To be honest I laughed fife minutes straight when I saw Leo's new style. He's becoming such a sage . But it's awesome to see him grow so much, I'm inspired!

I don't know if I have a right to be inspired because I've been skipping hell of a lot of meditation. I basically meditate every other day now. It's just so fucking hard to sit my ass down. And the two times I meditated this week I was really just falling asleep the whole time. Because I haven't slept either. I've been listening to music until 4 am every other night. What's going on with my life? I have to shape up.

I've just been becoming better at meditating. The do nothing technique works wonders for me. Some time ago I realized that I've been doing it wrong all the time. I've been trying to do something, let go of my thoughts or something. Then I realized that the point is to DO NOTHING. For god's sake, it's the name and I didn't get it. After that realization I've been getting wonderful moments of just being when meditating. And also after that I started avoiding meditation even more seriously.. 

This journal is about my social anxiety but I don't want to talk about it all the time. I want to talk about something in which I am at a normal person level. I want to talk about the things I'm interested in and good at.