My Struggle with Social Anxiety

[Iiris]

I feel like I've opened myself up too much here, I want to hide and take all of this back. But I can't because I'm too deep in this shit to go back so I'm just going to open myself up a little more

The more alone and accountable I feel in a difficult social situation, the more confident I feel in it. When I must do something, there is no room left for self-doubt. I'm not sure if it always goes like that, but sometimes it does. I remember for example when I took that terrible class that was all about expressing yourself vocally. We had to have a debate there, and there were only two people on my side and they were pretty quiet both. Usually when there are situations like this in school, I just shut up and hope that others will handle the speaking. But when that debate started I realised that no one from my side would say anything if I wouldn't. So I just started debating and I felt quite confident actually. When you have to survive you survive and maybe you realize that it isn't even that hard.

The next thing has nothing to do with anything but I just wanted to share it here because I don't know where else I could share it. I was imaginally sharing this here many times when I was in the shower yesterday lol so I guess I could actually do it. From time to time I get these little glipses of god, and I had some of them yesterday when I was listening to that Leo's What Is God -video. It's like this moment of "what the fuck"ness I would say. That moment when it's not obvious at all that stuff just exists.

The reality is weird as heck. Consciousness is weird as heck. When I was in that bus listening I kind of felt my godly nature. I almost understood that it has always been and will always be, that it created itself and that it's always present, pure consciousness. That experience wasn't anything big, but it was something. When I was sitting in that bus, I felt like opening my arms wide and laughing, but I kept my cool because I didn't want to be judged . Yeah but I just wanted to share that even though it's off-topic. It's great to experience the things that you've only heard people talking about before, because experiencing it is completely different than reading or hearing about it.

 

 

 

[Iiris]

A week ago I suddenly beacame super neurotic about my self-development. I've always been neurotic as fuck, but it got worse. I felt like I had to make some strict rules for my life because otherwise I wouldn't do the things I should do. I wasted many, many hours trying to make some perfect plan for myself and got frustrated because I realised that life is a fucking caos and that I can't do anything about it. At that moment I felt like killing myself, because I felt like life is just and endless struggle. I don't know if that was some kind of ego backlash. I've watched some of Leo's videos about this topic of neuroticism and I've been starting to overcome this.

I've been realising that I don't have to make rules for myself, because in each moment I know what I should do. I just don't listen to myself, I shut myself up completely. I don't trust myself, I don't trust that I can give myself value. I've been stressing about my life purpose, but how do I except that I can give value to others if I don't even trust that I can give it to myself? Oh god I have so many things to say about this but I guess I'll share them later so that writing this won't take me three hours again

[zambize]

1 hour ago, Iiris said:

A week ago I suddenly beacame super neurotic about my self-development. I've always been neurotic as fuck, but it got worse. I felt like I had to make some strict rules for my life because otherwise I wouldn't do the things I should do. I wasted many, many hours trying to make some perfect plan for myself and got frustrated because I realised that life is a fucking caos and that I can't do anything about it. At that moment I felt like killing myself, because I felt like life is just and endless struggle. I don't know if that was some kind of ego backlash. I've watched some of Leo's videos about this topic of neuroticism and I've been starting to overcome this.

I've been realising that I don't have to make rules for myself, because in each moment I know what I should do. I just don't listen to myself, I shut myself up completely. I don't trust myself, I don't trust that I can give myself value. I've been stressing about my life purpose, but how do I except that I can give value to others if I don't even trust that I can give it to myself? Oh god I have so many things to say about this but I guess I'll share them later so that writing this won't take me three hours again

Same! This can be so stressful.  I read this quote once, and it was something simple like "perfect is the enemy of good", and that's really true.   Me not being able to be happy with good for the day, always chasing perfect made me feel like a hamster on a wheel that I wasn't enjoying.  A lot of my progress revolves around letting go more and more, learning to relax fully.  Yet I had taken relaxing so seriously, that I wasn't really relaxing anymore.  I feel for you because I've  kinda also taken my self-appointed task of learning to love more, be happier, stress less, and relax better and stressed out about that too.  Which seems really silly typing it out, but yeah. that's crazy it took you three hours haha it's like sponge bob in that episode he has to write and essay and spend hours on "The".  Anyways, hope it gets easier, maybe take a day to treat yourself could be handy, but it sounds like you know what you're doing anyways

[Iiris]

23 hours ago, zambize said:

I feel for you because I've  kinda also taken my self-appointed task of learning to love more, be happier, stress less, and relax better and stressed out about that too.

Yeah it's like an endless cycle of shoulds, "I shouldn't be stressing about this, I shouldn't be thinking that I shouldn't be stressing about this" etc. It only stops when you change your mindset completely.

23 hours ago, zambize said:

that's crazy it took you three hours

I'm such a slow writer I don't know how I am able to write so slowly

23 hours ago, zambize said:

it's like sponge bob in that episode he has to write and essay and spend hours on "The"

lol I just watched that scene on youtube

23 hours ago, zambize said:

Anyways, hope it gets easier

Thanks, I've been feeling better already

[Iiris]

I am so ashemed of all of my previous posts. I can't even look at them when I know how many people have seen them. I just come here and write about stuff and then I go away and never look at my writings again, not taking responsibility for anything

I've seen people putting captions on their journal posts, I think I could try that too so that people could easily figure out what I'm talking about in each post

Expressing myself through playing guitar

I've been meaning for quite a long time to share a thing that I think my insecurity very much affects, but I've always felt like there's something more important to tell. I guess that I'll share this now

I play electric guitar which is awesome. The shitty thing is that electric guitar is usually played in groups and I don't know how to act in groups. And you need contacts and everything to even be able to form groups and to get to play in places. I've been lucky enough to get invited to join a band by this guy whose job is to like support and help new bands. We practice in the place where that guy runs his "band school", the guy is there with us as we practice. I also play with another group and go to guitar lessons in this fancy music school. It's difficult, but it's not super hard to go and play with that group in the music school because it's quite controlled, I can just go there and play whatever I am asked to play and I don't have to speak to anyone really. However it is very different with that "real band" I have joined because things are more loose and free and I have to be interacting there.

When I have an mental image of my typical week, there's this black fog on Wednesday evening when I go to practice with my band, it represents the anxiety and even depression I go through every Wednesday evening. I always feel especially shy and insecure when I go to practice with that band. I think that part of the reason why I feel that way is because my band members are all good musicians and I am just an amateur, and I feel like they are judging whatever I do with my guitar.

I've had barely any conversations with my band members even though we've been playing for half a year now. In the band there are two boys and one girl who is the singer and the leader of the band also. I've been talking about some stuff with the girl, but with the boys I haven't talked about anything. And that makes me feel so ashamed because it's just not normal that you have a band but you haven't even spoken to your band members. It feels so hard to open my mouth. I feel like others are just casually talking while I'm sitting there paralyzed. My psychologist tells me that I should just try to talk about some random or even stupid stuff with them, like the weather or something but it's so hard, I can barely look at them.  

We have a gig in the late spring and thinking about that gives me anxiety. It's a big thing, we're playing among some really good bands there and people are paying to get there and they are getting drunk and everything there. My relatives are going to go from the other side of the fucking country to see me play there. And I can't even interact with my band members. So please god help me!

It makes me feel depressed that I have these great opportunities to express myself by playing guitar and to get to know other musicians but I fuck up all of them. I can't enjoy playing with others because I care so much about what people think about my playing. I try to play as normally as possible, so that there's nothing suprising in my playing, so that people won't notice me. I can't play what I want to play or what I feel like playing, I can't play playfully! It's so stupid because I'm just wasting my time trying to please others when I could be experimenting, enjoying and growing. Today I was playing with my dad, my dad was playing the drums and I was playing the guitar. I wasn't able to get anything reasonable out of the guitar. I had the skills to, I just didn't have the confidence, even though I was just playing with my dad!

I notice that at home I don't feel the desire to take my guitar and play, I would rather do my homework or something. I feel like if I had better time playing with my band and if I wasn't so terrified of playing in public but rather excited, I would be more inspired to practice. It's sad, but happily I can watch some awesome live concerts and gets serious amounts of inspiration from them. And even if I wasn't inspired I notice that when I just take my guitar and play I often start to enjoy it.

Oh and also, we have a book named "zen guitar" in our home and I don't know wtf I've been doing not reading it

[Iiris]

This guy is quite inspiring in his vulnerability

 

[Iiris]

I am obsessed with being perfect. When I haven't been perfect I usually can't accept it so I just deny it. I always think that tomorrow I'll really start being perfect and until then I can do whatever I feel like doing. I've been trying to accept myself this week and I succeeded at it better that ever I guess. I let myself down several times this week but I accepted my failures and kept on going even though it felt bad.

For example I went to practice with the band and it was terrible again. I was really tensed up the whole time. I started moving my body again when we were finishing up and it has never crackled as much as then. I should've been relaxing, I should've been wathing people in their eyes but I didn't. I hated myself and I didn't want to accept that I failed again, but I still accepted it. At home I had a good cry. I cried because I hated myself and then I gave compassion for hating myself and then I cried more. Now as I'm writing this I feel like crying again lol. Crying is the best thing, it feels good as heck.

I don't want to admit to you that I am just this miserable ball of suffering. But I'm still doing it because I know that as long as I'm being honest I'm doing nothing wrong

I feel like the problem with myself trying to accept myself this week was that I was at the same time excepting that I will do all this personal development stuff. "I am going to accept myself as I am but also I'll be meditating, relaxing, eating healthy, not being on my phone too much...." Gawd. I need all these rules for myself because I'm afraid. I'm not completely sure what I'm afraid of. I'm afraid of being free. Probably I'm afraid of what I'll do when I let myself be free. Maybe I'm afraid of myself! Being perfect is a shield for me. I notice that when I let myself be imperfect I start being fearful about the future

I feel like I need to do some challenge where I can do whatever I want to do for a week. Kind of like in the do nothing meditation. And I've also been feeling for a long time like I need a break from my life. A retreat or something. There's just so much stuff in my life and the amount of stuff is just increasing and I can't hold it all anymore. Too much advice, too many things to consider, too many things to do and too little time. All the options make me stressed out.

 

 

 

 

[Iiris]

We just had the domestic of the fucking year. My little sister and my father are both angry teenagers. More is expected from my father. His behavior annoys me very often. He's not violent or anything but his mental health is shit. Sometimes it makes me feel sad but most of the time I'm just angry at him for being such a victim of life. Everything makes him angry and he seems like he's always an inch away from exploding completely. He is in complete denial, cannot look at himself at all. And his mother is dying and it makes him even worse.

So my little sister and father had some argument about something, and he took it too seriously and went nuts. Usually I keep my mouth shut about his behavior because nothing good happens when I open it. But now I was so angry that I told him at the dinner table how his behavior makes me feel like shit. Things escalated and my father got very defensive and had a complete mental breakdown in the end. He started telling me how his life is so shitty that he has the right to be angry. He went absolutely nuts.

Right now he must be so ashemed of himself. He went off the door outside and came right back to say something to us for like ten times. He said for example something like "I know that you all hate me, but I don't care. I chose this life. And I could go away if I wanted to" and I said to him that I don't hate him. I wanted to say to him that I love him because I do, but I've never been able to say that and I couldn't do it now either. I most definitely love him. Fucking shit. I don't want him to die never hearing me saying that I love him. Crying again!!!!!!!

My parents even questioned their marriage, with a good reason. My father can't stand my mother and my mother can't stand my father. But I don't want them to break up. I just want to pretend again that everything is fine. I can remain closed then. If they broke up I would have to open up. Everyone would be asking me how I feel etc. But probably they will stay together for the same reason

Ugh. And soon will come the time of awkward silence. Dad won't apologize properly. This is why I don't open my mouth.

This journal is getting really negative. But the negative stuff is just the stuff that I the most need to talk about.

 

Oh and also I've learned that if I can't accept that I've done something stupid, I can at least accept that I can't accept it right now. Then the non-acceptance kind of melts away and I can almost accept the stupid thing that I did in the past. Or something like that it goes

 

[zambize]

4 minutes ago, Iiris said:

Everyone would be asking me how I feel etc. But probably they will stay together for the same reason

Ugh. And soon will come the time of awkward silence. 

 

I feel you on this one.  I get especially uncomfortable in situations where I know some feelings are going to get hurt if I tell them how I feel.  Like there are people who are so fucking blind to who I am and how I feel, that the idea of actually telling them how I feel can be really daunting, and to be honest I often dont tell people and let it go under the rug, especially when the relationship doesnt mean much to me.

I also personally fought a bit of resentment to people who raised me.  I was supposed to be the kid, I wanted to be the weak and vulnerable one, why do I have to raise myself emotionally.  I really struggled with that mentality, but at the same time, I'm so blessed to be able have a chance to do it better.  I also understand that bad parents often come from bad parents, it's just an unfortunate cycle in some families, but being aware of it is certainly a step.

Also sorry if I make you nervous when you read someone commented on your journal, but that could be a total projection on my part, cause I sure as hell get a bit nervous when I see someone quotes me or whatnot

[Iiris]

19 hours ago, zambize said:

  I also understand that bad parents often come from bad parents, it's just an unfortunate cycle in some families, but being aware of it is certainly a step.

That's true. What I've heard is that dad didn't have too great of a childhood, now he's reflecting it on us

19 hours ago, zambize said:

Also sorry if I make you nervous when you read someone commented on your journal, but that could be a total projection on my part, cause I sure as hell get a bit nervous when I see someone quotes me or whatnot

Yeah it get a bit nervous when I see that someone has commented here, I always think that the person who commented is probably pointing out some stupid thing that I wrote. But of course it doesn't go like that, and mostly it's just nice to see that people have written something here

 

 

[zambize]

3 hours ago, Iiris said:

That's true. What I've heard is that dad didn't have too great of a childhood, now he's reflecting it on us

Yeah, I think a lot of my own questions were answered when my grandpa tried to tell me he loved me and maybe some kind of compliment after that.  Just the way it was said, he was clearly so uncomfortable with being even the tiniest bit emotionally open.  This is kind of true for both sides of my family.  Super materialistic, not emotionally open, pretty colorless relationships between my grandparents and my parents.  Sometimes I imagine myself having a kid, and being really open and kind and letting the kid be the kid it wants to be, but then I feel silly because it's just mental images acting as a coping mechanism, and I should just spend time improving myself instead of mentally masturbating over the future.  

 

3 hours ago, Iiris said:

Yeah it get a bit nervous when I see that someone has commented here, I always think that the person who commented is probably pointing out some stupid thing that I wrote. But of course it doesn't go like that, and mostly it's just nice to see that people have written something here

 

I'm not interested in pointing out stupid stuff.  I feel like every other thread is pointing out what you see wrong in the other person, which has its upsides, but yeah, not interested in having all of my conversations be like that.  It's kind of cool (the journal) because even though in real life I come off as probably the opposite of you in terms of social-anxiety, I end up suffering because of it.  It's because I don't struggle from social anxiety often that when I do have problems with it, I feel a bit helpless, and it's also hard to talk about with other people.  Like they wouldn't believe me or find it petty that I'm opening up about something that I seem to have such good control over.  So it kind of ironically becomes a larger problem, because it's a smaller problem paradoxically.  That's why it's nice to read your journal, it gives me a chance to speak up for the voice in me that kind of gets glossed over, and address any issues that part of me has.  Plus it's nice to just talk to other people, and you don't seem like you bite

Edited March 10, 2019 by zambize

[Iiris]

On 10.3.2019 at 7:39 PM, zambize said:

Sometimes I imagine myself having a kid, and being really open and kind and letting the kid be the kid it wants to be

Me too, I imagine giving that kid everything that I would've needed as a child

On 10.3.2019 at 7:39 PM, zambize said:

It's kind of cool (the journal) because even though in real life I come off as probably the opposite of you in terms of social-anxiety, I end up suffering because of it.  It's because I don't struggle from social anxiety often that when I do have problems with it, I feel a bit helpless, and it's also hard to talk about with other people.  Like they wouldn't believe me or find it petty that I'm opening up about something that I seem to have such good control over.  So it kind of ironically becomes a larger problem, because it's a smaller problem paradoxically.  That's why it's nice to read your journal, it gives me a chance to speak up for the voice in me that kind of gets glossed over, and address any issues that part of me has.

I'm happy to hear that you find this helpful. I started this journal just to help myself, but now what motivates me to write here is that someone might get some value out of my writings. I've been very concentrated on helping myself and making my life better, it feels great to give some value to others sometimes

On 10.3.2019 at 7:39 PM, zambize said:

and you don't seem like you bite

Trying my best to not make people feel bad because of me

 

[Gabriel Antonio]

On 3/8/2019 at 0:28 PM, Iiris said:

hated myself and I didn't want to accept that I failed again, but I still accepted it. At home I had a good cry. I cried because I hated myself and then I gave compassion for hating myself and then I cried more. Now as I'm writing this I feel like crying again lol. Crying is the best thing, it feels good as heck.

I love that type of crying <3 It's very healing-ful. 

 

On 3/8/2019 at 0:28 PM, Iiris said:

I feel like the problem with myself trying to accept myself this week was that I was at the same time excepting that I will do all this personal development stuff. "I am going to accept myself as I am but also I'll be meditating, relaxing, eating healthy, not being on my phone too much...." Gawd. I need all these rules for myself because I'm afraid. I'm not completely sure what I'm afraid of. I'm afraid of being free. Probably I'm afraid of what I'll do when I let myself be free. Maybe I'm afraid of myself! Being perfect is a shield for me. I notice that when I let myself be imperfect I start being fearful about the future

You're a really good writer. I'd totally buy a book of yours... Btw, fear is a bitch. 

 

On 3/9/2019 at 3:19 PM, Iiris said:

So my little sister and father had some argument about something, and he took it too seriously and went nuts. Usually I keep my mouth shut about his behavior because nothing good happens when I open it. But now I was so angry that I told him at the dinner table how his behavior makes me feel like shit. Things escalated and my father got very defensive and had a complete mental breakdown in the end. He started telling me how his life is so shitty that he has the right to be angry. He went absolutely nuts.

Wow... 

 

On 3/9/2019 at 3:19 PM, Iiris said:

This journal is getting really negative. But the negative stuff is just the stuff that I the most need to talk about.

Don't worry about that. There's nothing more inauthentic than fake positivity...

“The desire for a more positive experience is itself a negative experience.  And, paradoxically, the acceptance of one’s negative experience is itself a positive experience.”~ Mark Manson (The Subtle Art of Not Giving a Fuck)

This is a really good book. More quotes at: https://www.movemequotes.com/success-quotes-from-the-subtle-art-of-not-giving-a-fck/

 

On 3/9/2019 at 3:19 PM, Iiris said:

I wanted to say to him that I love him because I do, but I've never been able to say that and I couldn't do it now either. I most definitely love him. Fucking shit. I don't want him to die never hearing me saying that I love him. Crying again!!!!!!!

That is so sweet.

I think it's better not to force to say I love you. I don't know how old you are, but I guess you're in your teens. Don't beat yourself up for not being able to express your love to him. Not to blame your dad, but he is the one who was supposed to show his love to you... 

Here's an interesting concept that came to mind: https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Atlas_personality

 

Btw, I don't remember if I ever asked you that, but do you go to a psychologist or psychiatrist? They can be VERY helpful. 

Also, you've inspired me to write more! Thanks for that. 

 

All the best, and thanks for keep updating us! ✌

Edited March 12, 2019 by Gabriel Antonio

[Iiris]

11 hours ago, Gabriel Antonio said:

You're a really good writer. I'd totally buy a book of yours...

12 hours ago, Gabriel Antonio said:

“The desire for a more positive experience is itself a negative experience.  And, paradoxically, the acceptance of one’s negative experience is itself a positive experience.”~ Mark Manson (The Subtle Art of Not Giving a Fuck)

This is a really good book. More quotes at: https://www.movemequotes.com/success-quotes-from-the-subtle-art-of-not-giving-a-fck/

Really liked many of those quotes and the book definitely seems great, it's next on my reading list

For the last few weeks I've been realising that embracing my suffering is really the key to detaching from it

12 hours ago, Gabriel Antonio said:

Here's an interesting concept that came to mind: https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Atlas_personality

I might definitely have some of that in me

12 hours ago, Gabriel Antonio said:

Btw, I don't remember if I ever asked you that, but do you go to a psychologist or psychiatrist? They can be VERY helpful. 

I go to see a school psychologist once a month. I'm actually seeing her tomorrow. I think it would be more helpful if I could be a little more relaxed there. I feel so uneasy and can't really think clearly there. I answer her questions with max. one sentence and then look at her like "I think that's it, more questions?". I look at her and feel like she's probably running out of questions and is desperately trying to come up with new ones. I feel like could be able to learn better about myself there if I could think more clearly. But well, maybe I'll learn to be more relaxed if I just go there many times.

Also she gives me some exercises, usually I don't really do them. But I don't feel too bad about that, I do my own things which I think are important

13 hours ago, Gabriel Antonio said:

Also, you've inspired me to write more! Thanks for that. 

Yay

[Iiris]

Getting stressed about quite irrelevant stuff. Like my notes on things being imperfect. I need to know exactly what to do in my life. But I don't know what to do and I can't stand that.

Also I don't know in which hecking university I should apply and what to study there. Well, I kinda know what I'm interested in so I'm not completely lost. But still it is a big decision and I don't really know what to do. If I purchased the LP course I wouldn't have time to do it before applying because I also have to study my ass off to get good grades to get to a place I want to get in. But I don't know where I want to get in. Life is difficult. Sometimes I wonder why life can't be just easy peasy. But some asshole decided to make life as difficult as possible... I guess that's me hehe

I don't know. Sometimes I can accept confusion and go with the flow of life and just trust that life gets better. And I know that's a healthy way of being and I wonder why I am not always like that. But then I always go back to being neurotic about everything and needing some rule or something to guide me. Leo said that if you have a strong enough vision you don't need to know exactly what to do. I can kinda get that. Maybe I should work on that

 

 

[Wisebaxter]

5 hours ago, Iiris said:

I don't know. Sometimes I can accept confusion and go with the flow of life and just trust that life gets better. And I know that's a healthy way of being and I wonder why I am not always like that. But then I always go back to being neurotic about everything and needing some rule or something to guide me. Leo said that if you have a strong enough vision you don't need to know exactly what to do. I can kinda get that. Maybe I should work on that

Do you ever get the feeling that every thing that happens in your life, no matter, what it is, is supposed to happen, for a very specific reason? Can you see how every trial you've been through has taught you something and made you stronger? There is a lesson in everything. For me this was a profound realisation and when I gave myself to it, I began noticing it more and more. It also helped me to love everything that happens unconditionally. 

[Iiris]

14 hours ago, Wisebaxter said:

Do you ever get the feeling that every thing that happens in your life, no matter, what it is, is supposed to happen, for a very specific reason? Can you see how every trial you've been through has taught you something and made you stronger? There is a lesson in everything. For me this was a profound realisation and when I gave myself to it, I began noticing it more and more. It also helped me to love everything that happens unconditionally. 

I definitely haven't embodyed it to the point where I can just love everything that happens, but yes I can see it at some degree. What I don't really understand is how it could have made me stronger if someone said something mean to me in my childhood, more like it made me traumatized and insecure But I can see that every struggle I'm having is an opportunity to grow, and if I relate to my struggles in that way, they help me grow. If I just try to avoid suffering I won't really get anywhere or learn anything.

I watched Leo's sage video recently, and now when I'm suffering I sometimes think that that moment is a part of my journey to becoming a sage or something. It makes dealing with the suffering more enjoyable

 

[ZenDancer]

Hi there @Iiris

I love your journal! Opening up to others and being so honest and vulnerable takes courage, and it helps others when you really talk truthfully about your struggles... I had really deibilitating shame and social anxiety when I was younger (I'm 44 now), but with a lot of effort and persistence real transformation happened... I'm not some fearless James Bond figure, but these days I do things that would once have been impossible for me and they don't even phase me... TV interviews and making speeches and such... you've got this! Keep it up and you'll get the results you want....

I also love that you shared that Matthew Silver video... I used to live in New York and would regularly see him doing his funky thing in Union Square... that guy rocks!

Hugs,

Lucas

[Iiris]

@ZenDancer Thanks for your nice comment

It's always nice to hear people tell that their anxiety has gotten better. It makes me have faith in my own future

[Wisebaxter]

On 17/03/2019 at 5:00 PM, Iiris said:

I definitely haven't embodyed it to the point where I can just love everything that happens, but yes I can see it at some degree. What I don't really understand is how it could have made me stronger if someone said something mean to me in my childhood, more like it made me traumatized and insecure But I can see that every struggle I'm having is an opportunity to grow, and if I relate to my struggles in that way, they help me grow. If I just try to avoid suffering I won't really get anywhere or learn anything.

I watched Leo's sage video recently, and now when I'm suffering I sometimes think that that moment is a part of my journey to becoming a sage or something. It makes dealing with the suffering more enjoyable

Sounds like you have a great attitude when it comes to suffering, very positive. I'm a firm believer in Law of Attraction so if you can imagine how it would feel to be a sage, to be calm and in control, you can draw that to you. I'm sure you already are.

As for Social Anxiety, I suffer fro that too. I think that small steps coming out of your comfort zone is the best way forward. Psychedelics have also given me some good insights here and helped me build up confidence and love