My Struggle with Social Anxiety

[Iiris]

My sense of self-worth has been starting to crack a little as school has started again. I think it's because all of the negativity there that I can't hande. I also compare myself a lot to others there. I sometimes feel like I am not worthy if I am not like everyone else or if I am shy or awkward. Noooo. I have my own problems which I am struggling with every day and they know nothing about them. Let others do what they want to do and let yourself do what you want to do. Please don't compare yourself to others. It will suck all life out of you.

[Iiris]

@Faye Oh my god I’ve completely missed out your comment! I’ve been scrolling this thing too fast.

Big thank you for your advice and support. It really makes a difference for me. I’ve been feeling better dealing with difficult things after starting this journal because I know that I am not alone in this shit anymore. People are supporting me in this and they want the best for me. I feel supported.

I have been trying to be mindful throughout my day and it definitely is hard. Especially when having strong emotions such as anxiety, even though mindfullness is even more important then. After watching Leo’s video ”How to deal with strong negative emotions” I’ve really been trying to just feel my anxiety. I try to be interested in it. I try to be interested in myself. Even though mindfullness is hard, I have been starting to become better at it. But I still suck at it and I must take it more seriously.

I am not yet sure why I have social anxiety. I haven’t been abused or bullied, nothing serious has happened to me. But I remember some bad experiences from my childhood and I feel like they made me insecure. I hope I can figure this out with my psychologist. I also just found out that I might be an empath or a half-empath or something and that might be one reason behind my social anxiety.

Self-compassion is so important. I’ll visit that Kristen Neff website and try some of those exercises. I think I am pretty good at being compassionate and loving towards myself, but when comparing myself to others or after failure I still sometimes feel like I am not worthy. 

Thanks for all the kind words! I am really hopeful for the future. Almost excited actually. It will take time but some day I will be at least on the level of only having ”normal peoples anxiety”.

You are very strong too, it definitely is a hard road to go that far with overcoming social anxiety. Respect for you ❤️

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

[Iiris]

Thinking about this journal makes me feel very stressed. I worry that someday I won’t find anything new to say here and that then I’ll just keep saying the same things over and over again. I worry that I’ll have little progress overcoming social anxiety. I don’t want this journal to become boring.

I want attention. I want people to notice me. These comments make me feel good, but it doesn’t really last. I want more attention. But it’s twisted because I also don’t want attention because I fear judgement. I sometimes imagine getting attention if feel like I am not getting enough of it. All these imaginary conversations in my head. Sometimes I want to imagine that people I look up to are watching me live my life, but I try not to do that anymore.

Why do I want attention? I feel like I only exist through others. But I only exist through myself. I live this life for myself, not for others. It doesn’t matter if I am noticed or if I am not. It doesn’t matter if people think I am an idiot. It doesn’t matter if people think I am amazing. I will always be alone in this bubble. Let’s not make this bubble miserable.

[zambize]

23 hours ago, Iiris said:

Thinking about this journal makes me feel very stressed. I worry that someday I won’t find anything new to say here and that then I’ll just keep saying the same things over and over again. I worry that I’ll have little progress overcoming social anxiety. I don’t want this journal to become boring.

I want attention. I want people to notice me. These comments make me feel good, but it doesn’t really last. I want more attention. But it’s twisted because I also don’t want attention because I fear judgement. I sometimes imagine getting attention if feel like I am not getting enough of it. All these imaginary conversations in my head. Sometimes I want to imagine that people I look up to are watching me live my life, but I try not to do that anymore.

Why do I want attention? I feel like I only exist through others. But I only exist through myself. I live this life for myself, not for others. It doesn’t matter if I am noticed or if I am not. It doesn’t matter if people think I am an idiot. It doesn’t matter if people think I am amazing. I will always be alone in this bubble. Let’s not make this bubble miserable.

I don't think I've seen more honest journal posts, and I really appreciate that on a platform that is largely used as a spiritual dick measuring contest.  You definitely speak for the same social anxiety that I think we all have,  I'm sorry it gets in your way a lot and it feels like a struggle, but you definitely aren't alone in your thoughts.  Don't be so hard on yourself about wanting attention, you are making honest journal posts that are helping other people think through the same issues they have internally as you, don't over complicate things hahaD::

[Iiris]

@zambize Thanks for appreciating my honesty, it really isn’t easy to be honest. You’re right, I don’t have to blame myself for wanting attention because it’s completely natural and normal. I’ve been a little too hard on myself about that. It’s still important to be very mindful about wanting attention because I’ll be way happier when other people won’t define me.

[zambize]

13 minutes ago, Iiris said:

 I’ll be way happier when other people won’t define me.

I hope so!  Just hope you don't have too many, "I'll be happy whens",  I think they have their place, I also think they can take away from now.  Anyways I didn't come to lecture you, I just really like the journal you got going and appreciate it regardless of your motives 

[Iiris]

@zambize Yeah, I understand. Thanks for supporting this ?

[Gabriel Antonio]

On 1/2/2019 at 2:44 PM, Iiris said:

Yesterday I saw that someone replied on this and I was fucking terrified. It took me like five minutes to be able to read the comment and I slowly exposed the comment word by word with my hand, just to find out that is was a nice and friendy comment.

That's so cute. 

 

On 1/4/2019 at 3:54 PM, Iiris said:

We are all just human beings trying to deal with life.

<3 

 

6 hours ago, zambize said:

I don't think I've seen more honest journal posts, and I really appreciate that on a platform that is largely used as a spiritual dick measuring contest. 

?

 

3 hours ago, Iiris said:

I don’t have to blame myself for wanting attention because it’s completely natural and normal.

Yes! 

 

So... here's my two cents: What I have found to be the key to breaking free from social anxiety is tuning into the body. That can be done through sports, music, touch etc. 

Another things that helps is physical contact. This relaxes me so much. Like, cuddling with someone I feel comfortable with. Social anxiety makes us feel trapped in our heads and when we touch someone else, we tune more into our body. 

I used to try really hard to feel my emotions mindfully and all that stuff. But I'm an overthinker, so in essence I wasn't practicing mindfulness. I was just thinking about what I was feeling. In other words, I was even more in my head. Instead of focusing on being mindful, I try to focus on letting myself go. But the thing is, you can't force yourself to feel relaxed.  

Also, it's really beneficial to have strong bonds with a few friends. People you can count on and who accept you no matter what. Who you don't feel any anxiety around. Easy people. This is called your support network. People who you can relax with, have easy laughs, etc. Stress-relief, you know? I have found that the more I cultivate those friendships, the more secure I feel around other people. 

One last thing: try not to think and talk about social anxiety too much. It can be counterproductive. But don't beat yourself up if you do it  

Books that might help you: 

- The Subtle Art Of Not Giving a Fuck 

- Daring Greatly 

- Quiet: The Power of Introverts in a World That Can't Stop Talking

Hope that helps! =) 

Edited January 13, 2019 by Gabriel Antonio

[ajasatya]

4 hours ago, Iiris said:

I’ll be way happier when other people won’t define me

be happy regardless of what people think/say about you

you can be that healthy. authenticity heals.

[Iiris]

@Gabriel Antonio Thanks, great advice! I definitely am an overthinker too, and I often try to solve my anxiety with even more thinking. I often believe that when I think enough how stupid and illogical this anxiety is, it will go away. But it doesn't!

Physical contact is so uncomfortable for me. I can't even hug my family members without feeling weird. I just realised that I don't touch my family members almost at all. Maybe I should try to be a little more intimate with them.

I have this one friend that I can be completely comfortable with. It's because he used to be my boyfriend so we have been very intimate. I have zero shame when I'm with him. I kinda like to be with him because I can be comfortable, but I also think he's annyoing and we have very little in common. Our relationship is fucking weird.

I've been talking about friends with my psychologist. I have some friends that I hang out with in school. She asked me if anyone of them is someone that I could start making stronger bonds with. I'm not sure if I want to make stronger bonds with anyone of them. I guess I'm kind of picky when it comes to friends. I don't know. I also might be just scared.

I've never really though that I could be focusing on my social anxiety too much, but what I focus my mind on becomes reality. There's so much more to life than this, and I'm so much more than just socially anxious.

And @ajasatya , I don't have to wait to be happy when I'm less insecure, if you meant that. I can be happy right now.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

[Gabriel Antonio]

1 hour ago, Iiris said:

I guess I'm kind of picky when it comes to friends. I don't know. I also might be just scared.

Right, me too. It's not easy to find good friends, who I naturally feel affinity with.

 

1 hour ago, Iiris said:

I have this one friend that I can be completely comfortable with. It's because he used to be my boyfriend so we have been very intimate. I have zero shame when I'm with him. I kinda like to be with him because I can be comfortable, but I also think he's annyoing and we have very little in common. Our relationship is fucking weird.

lol

 

1 hour ago, Iiris said:

Physical contact is so uncomfortable for me. I can't even hug my family members without feeling weird. I just realised that I don't touch my family members almost at all. Maybe I should try to be a little more intimate with them.

Don't force it though... 

 

1 hour ago, Iiris said:

I often believe that when I think enough how stupid and illogical this anxiety is, it will go away. But it doesn't!

Right 

 

1 hour ago, Iiris said:

There's so much more to life than this, and I'm so much more than just socially anxious.

Yes!!!

[Iiris]

@Mikael89 It feels so weird to see Finnish written here ?

I’m sorry to hear that you have social anxiety, it definitely sucks. I hope we’ll get over this.

[Iiris]

Me before I started giving a shit

Hopefully I'll go full circle

[Ryan_047]

Your journal inspires me to start my own journal..I admire your courage to actually use a picture of yourself as the profile picture(you're cute by the way).I've barely got myself to upload my profile picture,which is not me.

I'm currently paralyzed by the fact that I know I'll have to speak out in class in the following weeks.I felt either stress or anxiety all day long and I couldn't study anything to actually get ready for school.

[Iiris]

9 hours ago, Ryan_047 said:

Your journal inspires me to start my own journal..I admire your courage to actually use a picture of yourself as the profile picture(you're cute by the way).I've barely got myself to upload my profile picture,which is not me.

I'm currently paralyzed by the fact that I know I'll have to speak out in class in the following weeks.I felt either stress or anxiety all day long and I couldn't study anything to actually get ready for school.

Yes, start your own journal! And inspire others with it 

I also have to speak out in class this Friday. I’ve been worrying about it quite a long time. Whenever I feel good about life, I remember it and then I feel heavy and anxious again. But I know we’ll be just fine ?

[positivevibes]

Hello  Liris  

 

first of all, you look stunning that's for sure 

 

I had social anxiety for a pretty long time am pretty sure much worst then you have, but now i don't have it anymore after hundreds of hours of research on this topic, 

if you want to cure your social anxiety you need to know that thoughts are not real " the opinion of others does not affect reality "  they have power over you if you react to them ,so don't react and  let them think what they want and you need to stop letting  thought of someone control your life and become independent of the good or bad of opinion of others, there are a million reasons for why they said what they said and it has nothing to do with you ask yourself can I live a great extraordinary life if am dependent of random circumstances .

no one can give you something truly valuable and fulfillment if they say something good about you The thing will fulfill you is to live by your dreams and honor ur life and live your full potential I suggest that you practice :

1- meditation: because it keeps you centered and slow down the monkey mind 

 I need you to reprogramme the subconscious mind by : 2 and 3 " don't miss one day it's important "

2- affirmation: every day say  "I am a social butterfly" "I am very social"  "I have loads of confidence"  for like 5 min each one  loud   for 40 days (do not miss one day it's important ) and when you say it feel it 

3- visualization: visualize yourself in an uncomfortable situation that you are scared from and react to them the way you want to react to them "the future you that you want to become"   10 min every day 

4- talk to yourself : if the monkey mind say omg they are saying this about me ... you say in your mind " ok so what I don't care or like oh that funny " do not fight it and be like why do they think this or did i do something that made them think this or these kinds of questions  

5- be authentic: no matter whatever change yourself or act on others thoughts for example if you want to do or say something just do it don't be like am not going to do it or say it because they will think ...

6- always be kind and lovely even if people are rude 

7- socialize more: go out and talk to more people and read more about social science watch Leo videos about social and read books about this topic 

8-what does not kill you make you stronger: in every bad situation in life, in general, be like " just bring it " you make me stronger  as Leo says " love your sins to death " and they will melt away but if you keep fighting them every dragon you slay a new one comes 

9-keep a journal : write down what work what did not and in what situation do you feel embarrased and analyse and look for alternative .... for example you can try holding eye contact for a long period of time deliberately to increase confidence , if this technique worked you keep practicing it if it did not you move on to the next one but give it time to judge if a techniques work or not

10-practice self acceptance  : 

 

so please practice all these  things that I said and expect backslides and failures but you know what it's worth it because it will benefit you all the years to come, you can always contact me if you need any advice

 

Edited January 17, 2019 by positivevibes

[flowboy]

10 hours ago, positivevibes said:

I had social anxiety for a pretty long time am pretty sure much worst then you have

You may not be aware of this, but it can easily rub people the wrong way when you imply that their problems are not that bad.

Also you're giving a lot of unsolicited advice in one message, and in a not-so-humble way. We can easily overwhelm people in this way. I know, because I have fallen in the same trap many times. The struggle of overcoming a problem of this caliber required us to get so passionate, that we can't help but enthusiastically preach our hard-earned wisdom to others.

A friend and co-worker, R, taught me this painful lesson awhile ago when he was talking about his anxiety to talk to his attractive neighbour. I personally have struggled and made an ass of myself for many years trying to get out of my comfort zone and learn to talk to strangers, so I was immediately in advice mode. I started pointing out his limiting beliefs, and sharing my lessons.

Then he taught me the phrase: "Don't be a problem stealer". I was confused. I thought I was helping.

Actually, I was projecting. Everyone's personality, life experience, inner world and situation are different. We all need to walk our own road to freedom. R taught me that day, that by unsolicitedly giving people solutions to their problems, you basically invalidate their personal struggle (that they have invested a lot of time in), implying it wasn't necessary because "look, just do this". Thereby making the other feel like an idiot. A long lasting struggle like that will become part of someone's identity, so if we try to just yank it away in one go, we expect the other to let go of a huge part of their ego, just because we told them to.

I know I'm projecting here, as well. Just wanted to share this bit of wisdom because I really appreciated it when I got it.

That said, I commend you for sharing what worked for you, and describing it in such detail, and in such an actionable way. The topic starter will probably have some valuable insights and tips, thanks to you! And I think it's a really good and important thing overall, what we do here. Sharing our hard-earned wisdom with each other so our path to freedom may be smoother!

[positivevibes]

when we have a problem we need to search for a solution either by reading a lot of books or watching Leo or from others past experiences,
for me I did read some books and watch a lot  of Leo videos and practice a lot so I kinda know how the whole thing works , so if I find someone who has the same problem that I had, I would totally give them advice so they can find the solution by practicing  and finding what works for them but they need to keep practicing for a long time not in one day, as you can see I told her that it will take time to see results maybe it will take even one year but you know what its worth it because it will benefit her all her life.

no one is feeling like an idiot because we search for solutions to our problems and someone give us advice, in fact, its the exact opposite because we are trying to develop our self and become better , and about the ego thing, she should  let go of the huge part of her ego which is social anxiety part or what causes social anxiety " because it is the problem and btw the ego is the cause of every single problem you have in life and hate about life and the cause of suffering, in fact, we all need to kill the ego which results in the experience of Nirvana, which is enlightenment, but this is a pretty advanced stuff and take years of practice  . 

 

[flowboy]

I see my message hasn't quite 'landed' with you. That's alright. Maybe someday it will. Peace, brother!

[positivevibes]

love you