Poems

[Aquarius]

A collection of old and new poems written by me. 

[Aquarius]

That time when I fell in love with a wonderful gay man that was a furry and he seemed distant. (March 2018)

 

Beautiful Stranger...

My heart is hard and cold

When you smile

And every move of yours

Awaits my decifering.

How can a creature

So noble and gracious -

Like the majestic wolf,

Be so different than

Anything else perceived

So far by my eyes and ears!?

 

Noble Soul,

Explain me your ways,

Show me your deepest

And most cherished feelings!

Don't leave me unknowing,

Let me into your

World of dreams and

Prove me you too,

My dearest, are an

Innocent one,

Please let me

Connect with you...

 

[Aquarius]

That time when I tried to express my feelings for the gay man without hurting him, because once I had a sexual dream about him and I felt it is killing me inside because of the shame/guilt. (March 2018) 

 

I remember gazing into your mandala eyes.

It was a photograph of you smiling.

I still see it in front of me sometimes,

But I only think of it when I'm well and happy

Because I avoid spoiling the memory with

Unclear feelings, that's how I care of you -

I mean, the thought of you,

Because the real you awaits deciphering

Of course, and I patiently get closer, and

Give clues, little hints, here, there...

If you only knew how many erotic dreams

Did that photograph trigger in me...

Well, you'd just puke cause I'm disgusting,

I don't deserve your love, but it's not like

I would ever get it any way, because

You're not into people like me...

(we know why). I'm almost guilty for

Having these thoughts and feelings for you.

Almost.

Please forgive me.

But always know that what I say and do, will say and do it unconditionally. ALWAYS.

[Aquarius]

That time when the gay man opened up to me and let me listen to him and I calmed down because I knew he doesn't hate me. (March 2018)

 

It started.

You're talking to me like I am your closest friend, while we never even met. I feel the connection, but I'm still cold and distant. I'm scared, too. I think of you as a fragile little thing that I hold in my hand (you remind me of my quartz ball), able to fall apart in any millisecond.

You're a storm of many thunders, hurricane and heavy rain. All that under human flesh. Your words hit me like hail. I want you to be well again. I offer you my loving words, please be okay. (Rhymes unintended.)

The storm subsides. You're a sunray,

always ready to create something beautiful. I'll carefully observe. You are sweet. My heart is warm. Melting in your rays.

[Aquarius]

Writing this right now

Nothing to give no one to blame

My stomach is burning

I wonder why

I think I ate

not sure

I'm not hungry

Forgetting things

Remembering others

For example

Forgetting how I remembered the creation of the

universe

what

is youniverse

blah.

i have no idea what I just wrote I just shat on this

thread. 

Moooooo. 

Thought tornado. 

[Aquarius]

All the love

from my avantgarde heart

you won't understand me

I just exist

I think

I hope

goa trance in the background

psychosomatic shoulder pain

i am no jesus christ

moshi moshii

Aquarius desuu

my memories haunt me

like ghosts

i am calm

i feel well

but at night

idk

insomnia hacked my cell phone

 

[Aquarius]

Bliss (1/3/2019)

 

No excuses and no regrets

Efortless life, as good as it gets

Making mistakes every minute, every hour

Sometimes bitter, sometimes sweet, salty and sour

Life has flavors, I'm content and glad

Not caring much about who is and who isn't mad

Dreams become reality, reality is a dream

Nothing anymore is what it would seem

Lost in the context, lost between words

Monkey mind no more, nothing really hurts.

[Zigzag Idiot]

paradoxical Jesus 

instructs patented Idiot 

to try and imitate  perfect Idiot 

to recieve a true expression of authenticity 

and another's declaration of seeing from Grace

on behalf of those who can't see or hear

to recirculate the miracle to give to

a friend with cancer

Perfect Idiot

heals

everybody wins and

ascending Joy can begin again

[Aquarius]

Sharing thoughts is caring, or is it not? (1/4/2019)

 

When the boundaries between delusional and illusional

and rational and irrational

become so thin that

you don't know if it was

your medication, or lack thereof

you don't know anymore if the medication helps

or helps not

or if you're ill, or not

or if you simply

listened to the wrong people

or talked with the wrong people

or said the wrong things

and trying to clean up the mess

your psychotic episode created

it's never too late

but for what?

Edited January 4, 2019 by Aquarius

[Zigzag Idiot]

I heard a Buddhist say

understanding silence is wisdom

I go to the center

of my every-which-way-ness

it is quiet and still

Being no i

I know Being

no I

I know

Being understanding stillness

Understanding being stillness

Stillness Understanding Being

[Aquarius]

...

Edited January 5, 2019 by Aquarius

[Aquarius]

For a dreamy guy (2th of July 2018)

 

It took you a word

To grab my attention

It took you two weeks

To earn my love

It took you a month

To make me a new person

But it took you one moment

To take all of this away from me

So how much will it take

Until I fill up the void you left?

[Aquarius]

Last words (9th of February 2018)

 

My dear please, tell me

Have I been important to you?

Because you were for me

I do reassure, you cut in my heart.

 

I dared to believe your word

When you said I am flawless:

The most beautiful, the best, the smartest

That there is no one cuter than me

 

But you see, you left me now

You don't have to hide your feelings

You've been a coward, so you stayed in silence

But now I see where you've been and what you've been doing

 

What I give is never enough to you

What I say is never plenty

A thousand kisses like a thousand words:

Neither are kind, neither are pure.

 

This is the way we departed

The prince and the princess

Two fragile souls that matured

Broken by each other.

[Zigzag Idiot]

                LOVE  by Arnold Keyserling

The essential experience is and remains love.

It can’t be induced by sensorial perception because in order for it to penetrate inwardly and emanate outwardly one must be ready for it.

Love is the medium of life to be attained, to feel at home with it and through it to examine and govern all phenomena.

Whoever opens himself up to the river of love loses his home: he exists in the Universe.

Sadness and darkness are no less powerful than laughter and jesting.

But in the river man is truly man, he is the master of himself, speaking with things without harming their sacred quality.

Wait for the fulfillment of pleasure.

This expectation alone produces this openness whereby love flows through all four gates and your center of being is included in the divine circular dance of happiness.

Love reaches from the body to the last star, it is a bond which endures.

One can never forsake love.

Love is omnipresent, it is all consuming, it is all knowing.

When there is a lack of awareness, love is destroyed.

Love requires your complete participation.

L O V E is fullness in equilibrium, letting go, always forgiving, giving, never confining, being aware, valuing that which is real once the dross has been burned away.

Love conquers.

It creates beautiful things, it is truthful, it exists in harmony with all beings, it protects and preserves values from alienation, it seeks nothing, yet finds all.

Seek the dark love as the path to joy and light.

Love means to accept the way things appear and let live.

Love comes from the fullness of being.

It is neither spiritual nor holy.

It is God’s gift to reality.

Remain true to this one command: love as a pledge of reality.

The opposition of the lazy can only be broken with love.

Love doesn’t mean grace any longer.

It means being a part of the primal vibration of the universe.

It is not something that you do, rather something that flows through you.

You can’t cultivate love.

Love cultivates you, once you open yourself up to it.

It surrounds everything; without love there is no motion.

 

           SORROW by Arnold Keyserling

No one would make the decisive step without sorrow and doubt.

But taking that step has nothing to do with sadness.

It is shed like the skin of a snake.

The darkness is able to generate the right reason, one more difficult, but also better, than the next.

But it will not always be so.

Some day love will shine upon you.

Then sorrow will simply be the undertone of the resulting harmony.

The path is there from the very beginning.

Sometimes it is easier, sometimes harder.

But one thing is essential: the depth emerges from the strength of sorrow.

Without sorrow there is no course; without the course the path is not passable.

Mourn – not over the self – but over what is yet to be done.

Each day brings further sorrows, and eventually you will reach the original cause of sorrow.

Then you can finally begin the ascent back.

Rejoice in your sorrow, for the darkness will not remain with you much longer.

 

[Aquarius]

Winterdance (january/21/2019)

or:  a dynamic between a yin soul and a yang soul

 

in a little garden

there's a little flower*

the whole world is

taking care of her.

 

the flower will

grow one day

"until then my heart

will warm up." **

 

the mind is tired

it's always sleepy

ready for everything

empty of tendencies.

 

in the grass

there lays a soul***

stares at the Moon

says that "I am alive!".

 

kind is the flower

rude is the soul

wet is the grass

"I ain't afraid of anything!".

 

everybody is rushing somewhere

but the soul is snuffling, sleeps deeply

then he wakes up

the leaves of a tree are rustling in the wind.

 

the soul briskens up

"...I want more!"

the sky is getting bluer

the fire is getting wilder.

 

the soul is kind 

the flower likes him

the flower seduces

the soul sheds its armor.

 

the soul jumps up quickly

the flower is shaking

"here comes Winter!"

souls**** are coming by the thousands.

 

the soul leaves

the flower is drooping*****

the scenery becomes white

And the Sun melts into it. 

 

 

 

* In my culture we call female lovers "flower"; here in the poem the flower represents the female, yin soul

** The replies within the quotation marks are the words of the male, yang soul.

*** In this poem I call "soul" the male, yang energy, and "flower" the female, yin energy.

**** By souls here in this verse I am referering to males, androgynous lesbians, or masculine people in general.

***** Drooping - here: symbolic. Getting older, maturing, and dying in pain of losing a best friend/lover that couldn't "hate" enough to love, a lover that couldn't handle the situation because of dire circumstances.

 

This poem is about an air-air relationship dynamic. I hope you guys enjoyed the story.  Hugs. 

Edited January 26, 2019 by Aquarius

[Zigzag Idiot]

Another one from Red Hawk's book - Wreckage With a Beating Heart.

 

The Weeping of Women is the Only Dharma We Need

 

No mother ever profited from War

only men profit, women weep.

That alone is enough to condemn the enterprise;

what makes women weep is not worth the doing.

 

There are far worse ways for a man to plan

the course of his actions and the directions of his life

than to avoid at all costs

that which causes women to weep.

 

I have caused women to weep.

My Mother wept at my cruel treatment of her,

my lovers wept repeatedly

when one by one i turned my back on them,

 

the mother of my children wept at my insensitivity and

my daughters wept, oh merciful Lord,

oh shameful fool, how my daughters wept

at my ignorance, my sore disgrace.

 

The tears of women have brought me to my knees

and blessed my heart in their sweet forgiveness,

they have bathed my heart in their tears and dried it

with their hair, breathed upon it and made it live;

 

what makes women weep is not worth the doing.

[Aquarius]

blind eyes [2nd of February 2019]

 

feels like everybody is trying to fix me

seemlessly trying to mix me

into the whirling antidote

against the sacred sovereignity of the Self.

 

and I tried to be nice, 

I tried to comply,

tried I to be firm

tried I to stand up

against the throwing of rocks of the masses.

 

I was there, and God, was I loud!

I am sacrifice under human flesh

I'm the mirror on your wall

I'm your reflection staring back at you

I'm the keeper of light in dark times.

 

I am your friend,

and also am I your deepest fear

and also am I the love in times of ruthlessness

your genie inside the broken vase

of my tormented body.

 

call me and I'm there

but you better speak my language

I only know one: that of love.

That shall be enough for now. 

[Aquarius]

when Alex* wept** [3rd of february 2019]

 

i looked at his face and i saw you

not like i mind it, but mind you!

i am not at all paranoid

will avoid the term schizoid

this is for every you and every me

this is for that person I call "he"

whom I've hastily played out

all my cards been let there out

"play your cards well!"

that's what I heard in hell.

but is it really all just a game?

one can dream. :-) 

 

* Alex - alterego assigned to myself that I use in my poems and short stories

** bonus points if you get the reference, I didn't read the book yet though

Edited February 4, 2019 by Aquarius

[Aquarius]

Song of the mockingbird [5th of february 2019]

 

Singing a sweet lullaby

Hush, baby, hushabye!

 

Come dance to my melody

In my deep bittersweet agony.

 

Aroo-baroo, ratta tata ta

I'll crown you with a panama!

 

Come, join me in my loneliness

Share with me your loveliness.

 

Singing a happy songaroo

Jump with me like a kangaroo!

 

Wop, bop, hopp, cha-cha-cha

Read to me the books of Akasha.

 

Come, teach me how to play!

I honestly don't know what to say.

 

Singing a mantra, lalala

Eating myself up, what a flaw!

 

Dup, dee, doop doop woop

getting caught up in the strange loop!

 

Come, teach me how to dance,

With you I know I have no chance.  

Edited February 5, 2019 by Aquarius

[Aquarius]

the music that cannot be heard (2/11/19)

 

today was a nice day

and it rains

it is always nice when the rain

rains

 

step it back push it down

jump up sail around

make it move get it down

many many all around

 

happy end never end 

hit back hit yourself

eat it up push it down

many many sail around

 

Edited February 11, 2019 by Aquarius