Huge "backlash"/triggering?!. What the hell has happened to me?

[billiesimon]

I feel embarassed to write this but I want to understand it and move past it. 

In this 2018 I have developed a lot in terms of pacifying my female side (and Jungian anima), having new female friends, understanding them, even finding some hippie friends. I also stopped demonizing feminism and started seeing it as a process to reintegrate all the aspects of female nature in society.

It was fine.

Yesterday night I was out with a small social group to meet new people and approach, both to find new friends and new girls to meet. The group was made by me, and another two male friends, and three girls (his friends) who most of the time were on their own, while we were socializing with people. Sadly, since I'm still a bit shy, I had bad results and ended the night with zero new people. But I understand that I need to improve more and better myself.

But is what triggered me: a group of three guys approached the girls in our group (I'm not interested in them, but they are cute) and since they were cool they exchanged numbers with them. And the girls were very very excited and attracted to them. It was clear that they will be dating in the future.

Now, the problem here is that normally I see this as perfectly normal and it's also how a nice interaction should go... 
But I felt so bad and so wrong inside of me that I went home immediately because I was having some kind of mental breakdown... I went home and in my head I started having paranoid thoughts of comparing myself to those guys AND to those girl too! I felt like I was worth nothing, because I am still a bit shy and slow to socialize with new people, and this caused the girls I meet to be closed off and indifferent. While those cool guys were having fun, and were loved and appreciated by the girls.

It's a shame to say it, but I want to be honest here, to improve and heal this unknown wound I have inside. I started crying in my bed for apparently NO REASON AT ALL and I was being haunted by images of all the cute girls being completely indifferent to me and also mocking me like I was worth nothing, while happily hugging cool and extrovert guys. The worst part, which doesn't make any fucking sense to me, it's that in these crying images the girls were suddenly dirty and evil and all the sensual figures the I normally like about girls became a source of absolute fear inside me. it was like their own primal feminine sexuality was terrifying and predatory, evil and dirty, in my mind. This was all happening with no fucking reason while I exploded crying in my bed! 

The problem is that I've never judged women for hooking up, I've always seen this as normal and healthy, And I don't understand what the heck is wrong with me. Also I don't understand why female sexuality all of a sudded became source of fear to me yesterday night.

Where has all the work on my self and my female side gone? (suggested by @Emerald, who I thank a lot:) )
What can I do to heal all of this nonsense? I thought I was going in the right direction.

[Shroomdoctor]

Do you also honor your male side? Your urge to conquer and to be the guy that girls look at like the guys you described? Or do you ignore that urge? Do you take steps to express your masculinity in a healthy manner?

[billiesimon]

37 minutes ago, Shroomdoctor said:

Do you also honor your male side? Your urge to conquer and to be the guy that girls look at like the guys you described? Or do you ignore that urge? Do you take steps to express your masculinity in a healthy manner?

That's an interesting question.

To be honest... half yes, half no. I have a strong male-nerd rational side, I've always practised creating projects, bettering myself at work, being strategic etc, but at the same time my edgy side is very repressed since childhood. Doing some shadow work recently I have discovered that I have a huge "warlord" shadow, and in fact I miss all the lessons from stage red of spiral dynamics. I've never tried to be the action-guy, even though as a kid I was always dreaming of being edgy and a conqueror of my own destiny.

Also I've always repressed violence since childhood, so I tend to resonate a lot with metal music, especially stage red metal music about honor and glory in the battlefield (power metal and 80's metal). In real life I'm very peaceful and to be honest I'm a huge pacifist at the core.

Sounds like I'm very fucked up.

Edited December 30, 2018 by billiesimon

[ajasatya]

@billiesimon thank you for your report and honesty.

there is a huge component of sexual attraction which is the excitement towards the unknown. this is why the girls from your group were so attracted to the guys that approached them.

excitement towards the unknown is great to start relationships but if that's all that matters, it's also a great relationship killer because everyone gets "boring" eventually.

[billiesimon]

26 minutes ago, ajasatya said:

@billiesimon thank you for your report and honesty.

there is a huge component of sexual attraction which is the excitement towards the unknown. this is why the girls from your group were so attracted to the guys that approached them.

excitement towards the unknown is great to start relationships but if that's all that matters, it's also a great relationship killer because everyone gets "boring" eventually.

Yeah, that's true and I know it, but it's not part of the problem  

[ajasatya]

2 minutes ago, billiesimon said:

Yeah, that's true and I know it, but it's not part of the problem  

it is part of the problem. do you feel that you can be authentic and incite sexual attraction?

you felt threatened. are you 100% sure that your intentions with those girls were completely pure?

[Shroomdoctor]

@ajasatya How do you define "pure" intentions?

[ajasatya]

Just now, Shroomdoctor said:

@ajasatya How do you define "pure" intentions?

truthful. not lying to myself as if i didn't want to have sex while i actually did. pure intention is achieved by not living internal conflicts.

[billiesimon]

29 minutes ago, ajasatya said:

it is part of the problem. do you feel that you can be authentic and incite sexual attraction?

you felt threatened. are you 100% sure that your intentions with those girls were completely pure?

Well, my intentions were true. I was out to meet new friends and girls, also because I want to find a girl I like to date. So of course there's also a sexual interest in it, and the need for companionship too.

It's that I don't understand why the dynamic of mystery and unknow is relevant to my emotional breakdown.

[billiesimon]

@Shroomdoctor So what are you suggesting with the things you asked me? What do you think are the core issues with women?

[Emerald]

@billiesimon It may not seem like it but it's probably a sign of progress. This is classic Anima possession (to which most people are on this spectrum due to deep conditionings and the current societal set-point relative to the feminine).  And this isn't just true for men. Most women are in resistance to the feminine as well.

And it takes a lot to reintegrate it. I've been working on this for nearly a decade and I still have a long way to go. It's hard to step out of a trend that's been going on across cultures since the beginning of agrarian living. It's one of the toughest nuts to crack. You can see this reflected in the current state of society, where half are really trying to reintegrate the feminine and the other half are really trying to double down their efforts toward feminine repression.

The repressed and spurned Anima projects itself out onto women as a whole group. Since it has been rejected, it's goal is to make the rejecter also feel a deep sense of rejection. But it also wants to be integrated so it makes you crave the sexual communion with a woman as a symbol of that desire. And you'll crave it beyond simply what is instinctual.

But the reason why I say this is progress is because now your issue is more apparent to you. You are more conscious of it. This means it's closer to reintegration than it was before, even though it seems like a step backward. Before you were probably too identified with goodness to see this internal split and all the ill-will toward yourself and women that it produces, and all the fear and anger toward the feminine.

One thing that I grapple with constantly is that I have a ton of anti-feminine/anti-woman beliefs and feelings. And I've made a lot of progress toward letting them go and making room for feminine integration. And this has enabled me to be more receptive and accepting of things, as well as many other traits that I had trouble with before. But I still have plenty that hang out and many insecurities around being a woman and accepting my femininity, due to my patriarchal upbringing.

So, just know that the spurned Anima is a bitch. She is passive aggressive and wants to hurt you as bad as you've hurt her. And now that she has more wiggle room because you're more conscious and allowing more space for her, know that these upheavals may become more frequent. This is part of the integration process.

So, just be mindful and notice what these fantasies have to tell you about yourself.

 

Edited December 30, 2018 by Emerald

[aurum]

@billiesimon

Rule of thumb, if you go out and something triggers you bad enough that you start crying when you get home, that’s very much a good thing.

This is why I keep saying going out to do game isn’t just game. It’s healing.

So many things get triggered when you actually step into your fears and don’t just keep hiding in your bedroom. It’s also why almost no guy unconsciously wants to do it.

I wouldn’t stress about it. You’ve got the awareness that women’s approval is probably more important to you subconsciously than you originally realized. 

Nothing really to do but keep doing the work.

[billiesimon]

2 hours ago, aurum said:

@billiesimon

Rule of thumb, if you go out and something triggers you bad enough that you start crying when you get home, that’s very much a good thing.

This is why I keep saying going out to do game isn’t just game. It’s healing.

So many things get triggered when you actually step into your fears and don’t just keep hiding in your bedroom. It’s also why almost no guy unconsciously wants to do it.

I wouldn’t stress about it. You’ve got the awareness that women’s approval is probably more important to you subconsciously than you originally realized. 

Nothing really to do but keep doing the work.

I agree, it's definitely a journey of healing. I'm going out to find a new social circle and meet new girls, but I realize that there's a big component of self help in this discipline. I guess I'll have to shed a lot of skin in this process... my ego is very resistant to game/socializing.

I fear that I have some issues with validation from women... certainly related to the anima possession too.
I hope that the purifying fire of going out will set me free of this pain.

[ajasatya]

@billiesimon all of my emotional wounds hurt A LOT upon healing. honesty is your best garrison on this kind of work.

[billiesimon]

@Emerald thanks a lot for the useful response  

I'm still pretty shocked now even though 24 hours have passed. Now I'm less identified with goodness and political correctness, so I think this helped the possession to let go. To be honest I think this possession is also related to my recent upgrades in terms of female acceptance. I have a new female friend who's very feminine and we talk a lot about sexuality and we exchange opinions on feelings and dating. She's also at the same SD stage as mine, orange/green. She also triggered me in some small instances to view her as "evil" even though she is very sweet and gentle and honest. It was so absurd and nonsense! And it was absurd because when it happened I felt sexual attraction towards her!

 

Some questions, if I may ask.
1) why is the Anima trying to use the space I'm giving her to be a "bitch"? I don't get it. Shouldn't she be happy that I actually want to make peace with  her? I'm genuinely interested in reintegrate and make her feel appreciated. And how is it possible that more and more emotional crisis can lead to reconciliation? It makes sense to create chaos if I wasn't listening to her.

2) Is it possible that some aspects of my Animus are repressed too and creating these issues? Maybe he's angry that I wasn't very active in the dating scene in the past, and was very lazy. 

3) Yes, you are right that I have a very powerful need for female connection (this also led to creating more female friends in these months) and also a very strong form of need for validation. Will this need for validation decrease the more that I reintegrate? I don't like being so emotionally needy.

4) I don't have the form of sexual obsession for women that you describe in your video. I have some form of sexual obsession but it's mainly an emotional obsession. I tend to be obsessed (always been) with female affection and hugging, kissing, being appreciated as a wonderful partner for love and intimacy (sex too of course). And having had some gfs in the past, with whom I was very affectionate, didn't heal this need at all.
Is this also related to conflicts with the anima? 

[Lynnel]

@billiesimon

I feel like you're overcomplicating this : if you're sad that some of your girl friends where attracted to someone else, you might be interested in them or do lack female company yourself.

Go and get it. Solutions are easy, it's applying them that is hard.

You're not gonna solve all your problems by mentally masturbating about Jungian Archetypes and meditations. As in the case of neurotic Victorian women sometimes it is better to simply go and get some sex.

[billiesimon]

12 minutes ago, Lynnel said:

@billiesimon

I feel like you're overcomplicating this : if you're sad that some of your girl friends where attracted to someone else, you might be interested in them or do lack female company yourself.

Go and get it. Solutions are easy, it's applying them that is hard.

You're not gonna solve all your problems by mentally masturbating about Jungian Archetypes and meditations. As in the case of neurotic Victorian women sometimes it is better to simply go and get some sex.

In fact I'm going out exactly to meet new friends and girls, and this happened at a night out.

[Emerald]

2 hours ago, billiesimon said:

Some questions, if I may ask.

1) why is the Anima trying to use the space I'm giving her to be a "bitch"? I don't get it. Shouldn't she be happy that I actually want to make peace with  her? I'm genuinely interested in reintegrate and make her feel appreciated. And how is it possible that more and more emotional crisis can lead to reconciliation? It makes sense to create chaos if I wasn't listening to her.

2) Is it possible that some aspects of my Animus are repressed too and creating these issues? Maybe he's angry that I wasn't very active in the dating scene in the past, and was very lazy. 

3) Yes, you are right that I have a very powerful need for female connection (this also led to creating more female friends in these months) and also a very strong form of need for validation. Will this need for validation decrease the more that I reintegrate? I don't like being so emotionally needy.

4) I don't have the form of sexual obsession for women that you describe in your video. I have some form of sexual obsession but it's mainly an emotional obsession. I tend to be obsessed (always been) with female affection and hugging, kissing, being appreciated as a wonderful partner for love and intimacy (sex too of course). And having had some gfs in the past, with whom I was very affectionate, didn't heal this need at all.
Is this also related to conflicts with the anima? 

1. She has always been a bitch since being rejected. The difference is that she's now closer to the surface of consciousness, so you can detect it. Before this process was unconscious to you, but still afflicting you in many ways. So, it's not that she's become more of a bitch since getting more space. It's that she's a bitch because she's been rejected, and now her cries and screams for integration are getting though more.

2. Repressed Animus/masculine side can cause a lot of issue with the Anima. So, integrating and realizing your masculine side is very important to be able to integrate the Anima.

3. The desire for connection with women and validation will decrease to a normal level the more you integrate the Anima. The Anima projects in dual way when it wants to be integrated. It's the bitch that projects images of power, spite, and rejection of your being onto women. But it's also the seductress that tempts you toward women and feel like you need to have that connection. And most assume that it's just pure sexual desire or some other analogous desire. But the lion's share of this feeling of neediness comes from the Anima trying to entice you to integrate it into yourself by projecting onto women as a whole group. 

4. I would suppose that if this is a really strong obsession, that it would also be coming from a disintegrated Anima. The Anima will project images of validation and communion with women, that FEELS like it will be the solution to all your problems. But what would actually solve them is to look away from the projection and directly toward the projector, and this is when you can actually release resistance to the feminine and your more prevalent masculine side can have that feminine communion within yourself.  And this will make you more whole.

 

[billiesimon]

2 hours ago, Emerald said:

4. I would suppose that if this is a really strong obsession, that it would also be coming from a disintegrated Anima. The Anima will project images of validation and communion with women, that FEELS like it will be the solution to all your problems. But what would actually solve them is to look away from the projection and directly toward the projector, and this is when you can actually release resistance to the feminine and your more prevalent masculine side can have that feminine communion within yourself.  And this will make you more whole.

 

Thanks!

What is a disintegrated Anima, precisely?

Also, do you have some deep useful resources on how to perform the reintegration process/finding all the issues?

[Emerald]

36 minutes ago, billiesimon said:

Thanks!

What is a disintegrated Anima, precisely?

Also, do you have some deep useful resources on how to perform the reintegration process/finding all the issues?

The Anima is the inner woman in every man. So, if a man has not integrated the Anima and cultivated a harmonious relationship with that aspect of himself, it will become dis-integrated. And when that happens, the man will encounter similar issues to the one you described on the more moderate end... or at the more extreme he will become very misogynistic, always projecting scary monsters onto women. 

I recommend looking into Jung's works that deal with the repressed Anima, and what it entail to have a feminine repression.

Real femininity in its full depth and breadth is very dis-similar from the cultural conception of femininity. So, it is our unconsciousness as a species relative to the feminine principle that causes a lot of people (especially men) to have a dis-integrated feminine side. Mainly, we just don't know exactly what it is yet collectively, though there are people here and there who have explored this and are aware.

Also, reading up on Yin and Yan is very important as well. 

You can also look into the works of various spiritual teachers working under the Jungian framework that deal with the feminine principle and the unconscious like Jean Raffa, Merlin Stone, Marian Woodman, John Sanford, Jean Shinoda Bolen, June Singer, Robert A. Johnson, Maureen Murdoch, and a bunch of others in the same genre.