Gains and losses

[Alex bAlex]

Here is what I achieved in one year and a half of self development :

• Meditation habit 1hour 
• Give up smoking after 9years 
• Give up weed after 5 years 
• Give up coke after 3 years 
• Give up alcohol 
• Running on a weekly basis at least twice a week 
• Joing yoga class 
• Switch to a plant based diet cold turkey (ha ha) 
• No fap for 4 months and 28 days 
• Daily cold shower for 7 months 
• Rise of awareness 
• Develop a reading habit 
• Listening over 120 audiobooks 
• Break free from my "friends" 
• Learn to live alone and to enjoy it. 
• Quit Facebook, and Instagram and other social media (except YouTube)
• Cut off the news and television 

But all this come with a cost. And every time I gain something, ai loose something else. It's all a zero sum game. Its all worth the effort  in the end? 

Yeah I know that Leo says it is worth it but Leo sort out his problems and financial independence before get on the enlightenment path. I feel like I received a silver plate and a silver cutlery and be asked to eat. Yah, might look nice but the plate is empty. I have to put food on it. 

My trips are getting only darker and darker. I tried different ways, with lights on, off, daytime, night time, music, silence but every time I me I feel only pain and something is blowing my head. Have a strong feeling of dying and panic. 

 

I feel like I want to live on £1 pizza and a bottle of coke so I may be able to save money. I'm ashamed of who I am at 28. All my friends, colleagues, and neighbours get married, travelling around the world and bring their parents in visit to foreign countries and I... I have £4000 in debt and £100 in savings after 4 years of working in the UK. 

Everything becomes darker and darker ?

Edited December 29, 2018 by Alex bAlex

[Alex bAlex]

After waking up and forced myself to concentrate and meditate, without any desire to do anything, I just made my bag and now I'm going to trip in a national park. It came on while I was meditating like a urge more to do this. It's 8pm here and I'm excited to see what's happening ? 

[Alex bAlex]

Well got back alive after 12 hours of continuous walking. My feet ache and are full of blisters but more about the trip in a trip report section. 

So It's the new year. New goals and new dreams. 

I have to work a bit on that. 

So far I try to write something here every day to get used with journaling. 

A happy new year and all your visions to come true

[Alex bAlex]

 

Having a run and listen to an audiobook I had a realisation that with all that I do not remember word by word what I am reading or listen, the books have an impact on the way I thinking. So far I read and listened to a few books on finance and economy to make sense of my financial situation and how to get out of it. I was quietly disappointed for a while due to the lack of reproducing what I am learning. But I was remembering tonight bits and pieces on the fact that I have to be frugal, and I have to cultivate a budget, keep a journal, etc....          Looking back on my behaviour just 8 months ago I use to spend £8-10 a day on food and munchies. Because I have to drive 3 hours up to Birmingham and 3 hours back to Portsmouth, I use to eat a lot. I notice that became an addiction and so the fact to run to the shop and spend my money.    Nowadays I pay more attention and I stopped snaking while I am driving. I look carefully to not spend more than £3 or even to spend at all. 

So yes the books make the change even if you have the feeling that you do not understand it at some point.

 

[Alex bAlex]

23:44 and I almost missed the today's journaling session. Had a busy day cooking and then shopping. Slept only 4 hours and a half, done the concentration and meditation practice (2+60min), 3.2 miles of running with a painful knee due to my last day's adventure tripping in the park, cold shower, fast meal and bike 3.2 miles to work. 

Wondering where to fit the journal. At the beginning of the day or at the end? Before meditation or after running? Still have to work this out next days. 

[Alex bAlex]

Just wake up and after mediation I am ready to go for the daily run. But there are 0 degrees Celsius outside. This make me think twice. But I just have to do it. No over thinking. 

I got stuck for more than a week with a song from saragoza band- agadou or something like that. I keep hear and sing it in my dreams and at different times on the day. What sign could that be. 

Talking of singing, I had a weird dream(all dreams are wierd due to lack of understanding) that I was on a beach and looking for the sky jet banana boat. Then I propose to my old house colleague to go swim and have a barbecue with some girls. There were tall houses on that beach and all the shore is full of rocky sand. 

Freudian dream? 

Anyway, got to go and get ready :run shower eat work. ?? 

[Alex bAlex]

Almost missed out my daily practice and the haircut appointment. Have to work more on time management. 

Had some nasty dreams of searching and then running while I was chased by various guys on motorbikes or with jeeps. Action take place in a combination of new/unfamiliar place but ends up in my primary school yard. 

Also strong need to fap in sleep. This happened twice, first time with a friend(girl) of mine in a familiar place, hidding from someone, then the second time was with a girl from the gang that start to chase me. 

I was exerting superpower but not aware at the moment of dreaming. 

 

I am noticing that just starting to jot down part of my dreams, more and more is unfolding. Cool ? 

[Alex bAlex]

Hmm... Well, It's the 7th day of no fap, still doing alright besides a few sweet dreams and also the 7th day of continuous exercise. I'm running only 3.2 miles at the moment due to a knee pain which comes on and off. 7th day of cold showers and hope to keep this up. And none the last 7th day of journaling

 

Just visiting my friends and had a little chat with them. I feel trapped in my workplace living paycheck to paycheck, with a monthly rent of savings.  This drives me crazy. My plan to get out of my job is to... it's a bit complicated but involve a loan. Between £20k and 34k. Now my buddy says that he's pretty well, doing business with real estate, doesn't have to work anymore and plan to visit Las Vegas next year. I'm happy for him. Really, because I know that this guy worked hard and stepped over anything and everything and swallow lots of shit to get where he is now. 

I am kind of jealous of him. And I've been in a depression for a bit. Until I got home and checking on the forum I saw Leo's video -Fake Growth vs Real Growth- and many issues made sense in my head then. 

I split from these guys from a reason. Toxic environment. As I sat there and talk with them for about two hours I notice a lot due to their body language and habits. I was able to sit there and had a discussion, with my mind clear, without the need for a cigarette, coke, or alcohol while they could not sit still and look into my eyes for more than 2 min. Moreover, this guy made some allusion that he needs someone to help him with his real estate because he has so much work to do and cannot take care of them. 

Sounds attractive, I could learn some skills and real estate and make some money but at which cost. I work my ass to untangle from a toxic relationship and stay away from drugs and shady people for a reason. I want to grow myself and to work towards a better future, eventually gain the British Passport.  This guys business modus operandi is a handshake. 

I know well that he had some issues with the law and he is living his life on the edge and risking all. 

At this point, I am asking myself if I really go anywhere. Cool, I am off of drugs and alcohol, shady people and toxic environments but on the other side, I am struggling financially, socially, etc. Him, with all the risk, drugs and adventures is getting the financial freedom. and it's proving me it's' working. 

But I am stronger. I learn from the past. too many fucked up episodes with this guy to trust him anymore. He's acting just like a stage snake, that when the snake is under influence he'll be calm and swirls around you, but when awake will bite you very hard. I learned his tactics in 3 years of living together. I just went back to have a chat with them because in a way I miss them and I have nobody else to ask for opinions concerning my career. But I understand that I have to be more confident and not get lost in analysis paralysis.

Time is precious, use wisely (paradoxical for a thing which doesn't exist)

[Alex bAlex]

Got my mood suddenly elevated when I start restructuring my plan and vision. 

Feel well and life is nice :)) although I'm tested on my new daily parctice. I almost miss to write in the journal, to run and cook due to oversleeping. But know I've got new plans and new forces. Attack!!! ? ? ? ? ? :)) 

[Alex bAlex]

Subtle adjustments to your vision bring big changes into your mood. Don't forget to plan often and analyse. 

Keep researching! 

[Alex bAlex]

A bit confused now about my next action step. Should I risk or not. How much should I  risk? 

Better to calm down and take a pen and paper and run some numbers then decide. 

Also, do a fucking meal plan for a week at least. You try to do that for one year so if you take the next step, the meal plan(food prep in advance) is mandatory as the time will be very short. 

Dream: 

I find my boots on the way home. Someone used them recently and drop them. I have a closer look at them and I notice that they're one size smaller. Someone stole my boots! -I wake up.

[Alex bAlex]

Can't get to the next Vippasana. My manager doesn't allow holidays in the Easter period. I'll keep an eye on it for the future retreats. 

[Alex bAlex]

Tame your elephant and watch your decision taking. You're acting on impulses and you have to calm down and do more research. This doesn't mean you have to be lazy and sleep 10 hours like you did today. Anyway, feel fresh and full of energy after the routine. 

Gotta go!

Cius

[Alex bAlex]

Reminder: the opinion/judging issue 

Modafinil 200 too much try only 100 

Reorganize the journal.

Late again? still achieved few targets today. more about all this over the weekend. 

^^^^The forum and the websites has technical issues/ page crash^^^