I am doomed. Trapped in nihilism etc

[Nadosa]

Many people know my story or at least have heard of it (started with my first thread on this forum).

I wish I somehow could put this into words. I went deep down the rabbit hole. My current state of being: i dont know what, who or where I am. If I exist somehow then only temporary, sometimes I feel like I am a seperate entity from my body. It somehow feels like it is a state of being. Namely being at a point of no return to, no way to turn to a grounded state of stability. 

I remembered the feeling back then when it started: a weariness of life, I questioned "what if I just stop being alive now, what would happen, why keeps "time" myself alive, what is this life, what is time, what keeps me here? This weariness of life turned into a real death of self and like I realized that there is truly no "true" hold in this life.

It hit me like a rock, I felt like a mask fell and I was in a place where I felt like "life doesnt matter but death doesnt matter either" but with a strong resistance against this "suicidal" feeling. 

Till this day, I feel like this event back then made me incapable of creating a "self" like, in my mind, it just doesnt make sense that "I" am still here, thus it comes to dissociations from my body and reality because I feel like "I" shouldnt be perceiving this all anymore, because, well, "I" died.

So, I have absolutely no clue what to do anymore, every future imagination just triggers me, everything about "myself", having kids etc, just the mere imagination creates a dissonance, a feeling which I always intepret as "it doesnt make sense that I am still alive".

Also, this all has consequences on my self-esteem, I often feel worthless because I just dont feel like there is a self worth living. And yeah, I do live somehow, but most of the time I am just utterly miserable and I dont need to hide that fact. You know what bothers me is...that I feel like I will never be at peace with myaelf or be happy with myself...my happiness is relied on outer influences...they keep me alive which is bad.

The only thing keeping me sane is a small sense of rationality really.

Edited December 29, 2018 by Nadosa

[Jamie Universe]

I'm no expert, and don't have a ton of experience on this. But I suggest getting meta with all these, I can understand Nialism (I'm pretty sure I was nialistic at one point but I kind forgot). And I'm pretty sure you've just got to realize its horseshit, chances the sense of "I" which you lack, is just somehow an argument you've made with yourself and believed. All you really need to do is question about what is coming up thats related to dissociation.

 

 

11 minutes ago, Nadosa said:

This weariness of life turned into a real death of self and like I realized that there is truly no "true" hold in this life.

I'm not you, but I've heard that if you get enlightened its not as depressing as your talking about, so I would check to see if the realization you had, was intellectual or a legit experience, because intellectual arguments can be dismantled and stop the emotions/states that come from them.

[Nadosa]

The thing is, I have no clue where to start from this point, I have gone so deep that I even doubted my surroundings, this realtiy being "real" or even questioning why it is still there.

[ivory]

I would suggest finding a good non-duality teacher.

[Jamie Universe]

11 hours ago, Nadosa said:

The thing is, I have no clue where to start from this point, I have gone so deep that I even doubted my surroundings, this realtiy being "real" or even questioning why it is still there.

Well if it is an intellectual argument, then I would just start at any old point, if its gone so deep, then that might mean more work, but unless its somehow a problem (I'm not you) then just start arguing with everything. Question why your questioning.

[daniel695]

On 12/29/2018 at 5:37 PM, Jamie Universe said:

chances the sense of "I" which you lack, is just somehow an argument you've made with yourself and believed.

that's a good analysis. we all have beliefs we somehow convinced our self are true.

i don't think your experiencing a true nihilism, if you think you are you need to go full circle by questioning it and contemplating.

[Nahm]

@Nadosa To put it in some framework / model, you’re trying to start at the top of Maslow’s pyramid and go into nonduality. Start at the bottom instead. Get the foundation in place. Look into counseling / therapy. Check your diet and physical well being. When you come back to this pursuit it will be from a much healthier perspective. 

[Mu_]

We've talked before and I still think some of what I shared is of use, but again these things can be hard and take a unquantifiable amount of time or not.  I'd say look for a non-dual teacher, perhaps maybe one is coming to your area, sometimes being in the presence of one who is awake can help you answer what you can not, even without words.  

Also, don't forget that things change, life is flow, it will change, this period of time that your mind is screaming about and feels horrible, will pass, and thankfully you will say at a future point, that oh that wasn't so bad, I'm glad to be through that and into the new space that opened up.

Like I said before I believe, I was in a similar state on and off for a while.

Also like Nahm suggested, getting the basics down can help a lot.  

For example, until I fixed eating to much sugar and also doing a serious yoga training, I couldn't handle energetically a lot of the "deep" I had gone into through meditation and contemplation.  Physical foundational elements really help align these new energies and orientation changes I think your going through.  Just muster up anything you can and just get yourself into the best shape, health, inward positivity you can (you may have to let go of some spiritual idea's, since some say this kinda stuff is just a ego thing).

Edited December 30, 2018 by Mu_

[Nadosa]

5 hours ago, Nahm said:

@Nadosa To put it in some framework / model, you’re trying to start at the top of Maslow’s pyramid and go into nonduality. Start at the bottom instead. Get the foundation in place. Look into counseling / therapy. Check your diet and physical well being. When you come back to this pursuit it will be from a much healthier perspective. 

I think you didn't understand me. There is no foundation because I am already deep in awakening and non-duality. Everytime I work with a therapist dealing with my "persona", I get triggered, because I just can't talk about my problems without feeling like "hmm, who am I?" Etc. This self is just shattered.

Edited December 30, 2018 by Nadosa

[Nahm]

@Nadosa No self no problem.

This is what led me to think you could use some help...

“Also, this all has consequences on my self-esteem, I often feel worthless because I just dont feel like there is a self worth living. And yeah, I do live somehow, but most of the time I am just utterly miserable and I dont need to hide that fact. You know what bothers me is...that I feel like I will never be at peace with myaelf or be happy with myself...my happiness is relied on outer influences...they keep me alive which is bad.”

Or some yoga, breath work, psychedelics maybe?

Something to get a little “out of your head”. The doubles you’re experiencing, imo, are in trying to conceptualie what can’t be conceptualized. You have to let it all go to embody it. 

[Nadosa]

The low self-esteem stems from the entire awakening and no-self experience though. It is the root of the depression.

[Nahm]

@Nadosa It may certainly seem like it is / was, but that was not an awakening. This is the opposite of being, or “deep in awakening and nonduality”. You should really consider addressing this psychologically, and or actually going much deeper into nonduality. If what you’re saying is true, then The Buddha was completely wrong. 

If you are claiming to have realized there is no self, then who has low self esteem?

Who cares about the pedestal? Take action to find relief and happiness.

[BKH]

This is how I am dealing with this myself: Since there is nobody there, why not choose who is there? Lately I have put into myself to being unconditionally happy, no matter what any external circumstances are... It really works, reality warps itself. You can start by just lying down and smile and choose to be happy for no reason at all. Then extend it into any ordinary activity. It should make you acutely aware of all negative thoughts, they will manifest like crazy. Just override with positivity.

[Mu_]

On 12/31/2018 at 5:52 PM, BKH said:

This is how I am dealing with this myself: Since there is nobody there, why not choose who is there? Lately I have put into myself to being unconditionally happy, no matter what any external circumstances are... It really works, reality warps itself. You can start by just lying down and smile and choose to be happy for no reason at all. Then extend it into any ordinary activity. It should make you acutely aware of all negative thoughts, they will manifest like crazy. Just override with positivity.

I second this.  Sometimes this was the only thing that would change being depressed to just being happy because one can be what they want emotionally.  Your free to manifest your emotional state.