Throwing in the towel

[kieranperez]

I honestly feel like I’m about to throw in the towel. I’m tired of my mind, I’m tired of not knowing what I fucking want out of my damn life even after going through life purpose course multiple times, I’m tired of waking up every single morning not knowing what the fuck I’m doing any of this for and why I should even get up, I’m tired of waking up not having a reason to get up anymore because I have nothing I feel pulled to anymore, I’m tired of not having any direction because I don’t know what I want or know what to do, I’m tired of being the lazy pathetic person I am. I hate my self and I don’t see this getting better. I feel like this whole thing is hopeless. I’m trying SO HARD to be kinder to myself because I don’t know what the fuck to do. I try visualizing what I want, nothing. I try writing, contemplating, asking myself questions, reading biographies and watching videos of people I look up to (Leo, Om Swami, a bunch of other names people on here might not know, blah blah blah) and then I come back to my life, this pathetic stupid thing that I am with poor concentration that complains, is lazy with no work ethic, a ton of psychological trauma and baggage from having a mother who the majority of my teenage years I had to make sure didn’t kill herself, a father whose this secular moralist who debates me and lectures me because to him “debating is (his) UFC sport” and I thought had it all figured out and is just as stupid as everyone else, and a family doesn’t love ME they just love the fantasy they have of me and their identification with me because I’m just their attachment. 

I have absolutely no direction in my life, I have no tangible idea about what I want to do as a life purpose. I may be 23 but I fucking feel like this over. The rubber meets the road now and I feel like I’m SO underprepared for all the variety of both valid and at the same time irrelevant reasons. I’m tired of making excuses and giving reasons as to why my life sucks. I see my life in 20 years working some dead end retail job waking up in tears, not able to look myself in the mirror for how much I’ve wasted my life. 

The people I look up to, I can’t replicate that. I can’t replicate what people like Om Swami did, or Leo, or even lesser known people like Ryōkan or any of the list of people I sometimes talk about on here. I can’t turn inwards like that. Hell, I can’t even figure out the logistics to something like that. I don’t even want to lead people at this point. I don’t want to manage people. I don’t want to preach to people. I don’t want to just start a YouTube channel and be another one of those guys who copy @Leo Gura and ride on the backs of other people. I can’t even sit and meditate anymore (even on my days off from work) because after 5 minutes I feel this sensation of myself crying inside my chest and my mind is just going crazy of all these projections, frustrations, and knowing that this all for nothing and how I’m just wasting my time. I’m terrified to move out from home because once I move out, though I can’t stand who I live with, I live in such an expensive area (San Francisco) with no friends to room with, that’s it. No more help from mom and dad and I gotta pay for everything including the psychological help I desperately need help with which I probably won’t be able to afford, will probably have to work 2 low end jobs to get enough hours which will drain the shit out of me and that’ll be my life and if that’s going to be my life I don’t want be here to go through having to watch my life be pissed away. I’d rather be gone than feel the pain looking myself in the mirror and knowing I pissed this shit away. 

Im sorry for another depressing rant. I’m quite tired of writing these I just have no one to talk to anymore these days and I’m tired of holding this in. Everyday I look at the sky in the distance and at the moon at night and cry because I see much mystery here that I want to discover where all of this came from and I cry because I feel like I’m so polluted psychologically from all the trauma in my life and all the impurities such as judgements, every belief I have, victim mindset, self deception, addictions, ADHD, etc that I’ll never know God. I’ll never know who I am and what my role is in this life. I’ll never know my highest possibilities physically, spiritually, psychologically, intellectually, etc. 

[Bluebird]

What if you were okay with all this? What if you dropped your expectations of yourself and just decided to surrender?

Remember man... What you're going through now, this is the work. What you're going through now is what you were literally born to do ❤

[Joseph Maynor]

You might suffer from low self-esteem issues.  You're like a crab that pulls yourself back down into the bucket.  You know Leo's crabs in the bucket story?  This is where when a crab tries to escape the bucket the other crabs in the bucket pull him back down.   You seem to do that to yourself.  You do these cycles where you build yourself up to a certain point, and then the crab pulls you back down into the bucket and you kinda self-destruct and then you kinda rinse and repeat in this cycle.  It's like an oscillating cycle for you.  You gotta find out what that crab is for you that keeps pulling you back down.  And the reason I say this is because I've seen this pattern with you over and over again.  

Edited December 29, 2018 by Joseph Maynor

[kieranperez]

5 minutes ago, Joseph Maynor said:

You might suffer from low self-esteem issues.  You're like a crab that pulls yourself back down into the bucket.  You know Leo's crabs in the bucket story?  This is where when a crab tries to escape the bucket the other crabs in the bucket pull him back down.   You seem to do that to yourself.  You do these cycles where you build yourself up to a certain point, and then the crab pulls you back down into the bucket and you kinda self-destruct.  You gotta find out what that crab is for you that keeps pulling you back down.  And the reason I say this is because I've seen this pattern with you over and over again.  

I'm not the only one noticing this then I guess. 

Even when I tried to "pull myself out of the bucket" I'm still not taking action though, namely because (at least from own estimation) I don't know what the fuck I want anymore. I don't know what I want to do, I don't really know (concretely) what my life purpose is, where I want my life to go, etc. There's no specific intention to drive actions, planning, strategy, etc. 

[VioletFlame]

@kieranperez Hey man I really feel what you are going through, please don't hesitate to reach out to me if you need to vent. ❤

[Leo Gura]

@kieranperez I think you're trying to do too much too fast. You gotta keep in mind that the stuff you learn from me is extremely advanced stuff that takes years and decades to put in place. I share a very big picture of your potential, the downside of which is that it can seem impossible to achieve, so far away.

This is sort of the curse of a lofty vision.

Baby steps man. You are still super young and your whole life is ahead of you. You have plenty of time to create a great life.

Focus now on building a vision and cultivating hope. You want to enjoy the process of assembling your life. It's fun. Don't make it a grind.

[Charlotte]

@kieranperez  I read struggle, I read pain, I read confusion. 

I may be wrong but I feel your acting too much from an erratic mind. Hence your getting this push and pull effect (crab in the bucket as Joseph has named it)

Breath, slow down @kieranperez let go brother. Release the control you so badly hold on to. 

All is well, trust.

 

[Joseph Maynor]

 

[d0ornokey]

I agree with Leo on this one

 

I get to your point whenever my challenges are bigger than my capability. i continuously will have too high of a standard and keep failing it. i will get depressed, suicidal, and hate my life. however when i only slightly challenge myself daily, i feel so much more competent, capable and loving my life! it has so much to do with how big your challenge is. so set your bar MUCH lower! 

one problem I have is trying to do so many things at the same time. this straight doesn't work. and it's so tempting to want to do it all at the same time. 

what i'm learning is, i am consciously creating change in one area but with everything else, i apply awareness is curative! that way i can grow in everything 

remember covey's circle of influence and concern? just work on increasing it little by little. increase the bar higher and higher.

and take failure as LESSONS not as FAILURE. failure makes you better 

 

8 minutes ago, Charlotte said:

Breath, slow down @kieranperez let go brother. Release the control you so badly hold on to. 

I need someone to say this to me on a daily basis 

Edited December 29, 2018 by d0ornokey

[ULFBERHT]

@kieranperez take it easy on yourself, man. Take a step back. Go get a massage. Sit in a sauna for a little bit. Smoke a J, if you're into that. Get quiet and get some perspective. I know I always feel refreshed when I can get some quiet time to sort out my thoughts. Maybe take some time to just lay around and journal and get your thoughts on paper.

After you've collected yourself and are not spiraling out emotionally as you are now (hey, it happens) see where you are with your personal development strategy and see if anything needs rearranging. As far as life purpose is concerned, let that unfold naturally. You're not going to know with 100% certainty what it'll ultimately become. Let your intuition guide you toward a path that makes sense right now and start chipping away at it. It'll work out in the end.

[Charlotte]

5 minutes ago, d0ornokey said:

I need someone to say this to me on a daily basis 

You are the 'someone' ❤️

[DrewNows]

Sometimes throwing in the towel is exactly what you need friend. It doesn’t mean it has to be permanent but letting go and changing your approach could be really life changing. 

Relinquish the illusion of control  

you will blossom into the unimaginable 

[kieranperez]

@Leo Gura @Joseph Maynor when I'm calmer I've been thinking about slowing down the pace in my mind and thinking "what if I moved out and instead of just jumping into life purpose work and start meditating my ass off (as though that's even doable at this point) I actually just invest for a solid year into an affordable therapy program like psychoanalysis?" I know @winterknight has talked about there being certain affordable psychoanalytic programs and I think this would really help just to make an early investment (I don't know how much it costs or anything) in my mental health. I got off all psych medications (all 5-6 of them at the beginning of 2018) but of course and as expected, that alone didn't solve anything and I think having someone to really help me with my blindspots would really help. I really do have a deep self-esteem problem, A LOT of deep seeded anger and hurt (which is why I both really want to do psychedelics now and why I've avoided them for so long. I want to know what's driving that thing. This animialistic like, aggressive, retaliating projection). 

Leo to your point on the vision part, I think the part for me too is something you described at the end of your Ox Herding video. Yes I know this all conceptually but... I know too much. I came into spirituality through an intense therapy program and came across that silly Sam Harris guided meditation with some self-inquiry and before I knew it I found you and my entire Atheist paradigm collapsed and everything. Meditation came in. The more I contemplated, though I haven't had any awakenings, the more I deconstruct my reality and not-know, the more magical everything is and I'm actually... happy by that. I went from being a Christopher Hitchens on steroids debater to studying all this stuff. I read memoirs of monks like Om Swami and Ryokan and I'm in tears because I'm reading something I've always known I've always wanted but at the same time never knew. I'm inspired by The Hero's Journey not because I care about being "a hero" but because, like in the very rich detail given by people like Ryokan & Om Swami and The Buddha and so on, you literally commit and have this resolve to something along the lines of "I sit here until I reach the end or I die," and I've always kinda had that thing about me in other things I've been passionate about. I don't want to be anybody. In yet at the same time... I do love running (in the mountains, trails, fast, easy etc.), writing, learning, etc. I don't necessarily want to just be another monk in robes that fits that category necessarily you know? As far as not wanting to be anyone though, that's why that poem by Ryokan draws me to tears every time I read it: 

The village has disappeared in the evening mist 
And the path is hard to follow. 
Walking through the pines, 
I return to my lonely hut.

How do I say no at this point to the possibility that I can discover God? How do I say no to discovering who I really am? How do I say no to all of that and everything else? How the fuck do you turn your back on that possibility other than that you're so far behind in your development and in your actual life that you might've cornered yourself? 

Edited December 29, 2018 by kieranperez

[Bluebird]

@kieranperez Sounds like you have more direction in your heart than your head is willing to accept.

[CreamCat]

Perhaps, see if you could benefit from talking with TJ Reeves if life purpose course didn't help so far. I know you are critical of TJ Reeves.

If you want to talk with TJ Reeves for one hour, take the CODE test and ask him to talk with you. It took 4 hours for me to take the test.

His style of help could potentially work for you.

I also recommend doing a solo retreat for a few days before even thinking about talking with TJ Reeves. Whenever my mind is filled with petty stuff, doing nothing helps a lot.

Watch this video, too.

In this video, Leo says the fact that doing nothing helps you become more effective is counter-intuitive. He also recommends doing one or two 10-day solo retreats per year if you really want to grow a lot.

Perhaps, doing a solo retreat for a few days will flesh out your life purpose.

Don't you notice that you are full of creative insights while you are taking a shower? If a shower could do that to you, a solo retreat will flood you with insights.

You don't have to go to a fancy place to do a solo retreat. You can do it at home. I plan to try a one day solo retreat at home tomorrow. I'm going to do bare minimum(food, a little bit of exercise, reviewing anki decks) on my one-day solo retreat.

Edited December 29, 2018 by CreamCat

[kieranperez]

Just now, Bluebird said:

@kieranperez Sounds like you have more direction in your heart than your head is willing to accept.

That and...

my heart hast more direction than my mind is able to work with (hence the psychological trauma and baggage). 

[dvdas]

I used to have this struggle a lot. I came to the conclusion that whatever happens, find my life purpose or not, reach enlightenment or not even close, I know I give my best shot here. Since you are giving your best to make it happen whatever happens you didn't let your life slip through you fingers. For me a life wasted is not on your achievements, but on your approach. Die knowing I gave it all is my ultimate vision, not to achieve everything, even though this is what I'm striving for. And this gave me the patience and the faith to work  

[kieranperez]

13 minutes ago, CreamCat said:

Perhaps, see if you could benefit from talking with TJ Reeves if life purpose course didn't help so far. I know you are critical of TJ Reeves.

If you want to talk with TJ Reeves for one hour, take the CODE test and ask him to talk with you. It took 4 hours for me to take the test.

His style of help could potentially work for you.

I also recommend doing a solo retreat for a few days. Whenever my mind is filled with petty stuff, doing nothing helps a lot.

I don't have a problem with TJ. I reached out to him one time on Instagram and he went out of his way to give a lot of advice which I appreciated a lot. I made a critique on his take on Spiral Dynamics on the forum here and how I don't agree that much with it then he went off on me on Instagram and I think he blocked me or something and after that he started doing all the trash talking he does of Ralston, Leo, so on and so on and how he's mastered all this stuff before the age of 25 which, no matter how you slice it, is boloney. I'm sure he's a cool guy and everything, but that whole 20 year old arrogance (and I'm 23 keep in mind) is something I don't buy. In fact, arrogance regardless of the age. I don't know if what he's doing is really legitimate or honest though (that's just my skepticism but hey, hopefully I'm wrong and maybe he does radically change the world for the better. If he does, glad I'm wrong). What you see on camera and all that talk doesn't mean that person is actually implementing in their own life or even has implemented in their own life. Don't talk a good game. Show me your game. I have yet to see his game (as an athlete, consciousness, etc.). 

As far as the solo retreat, I do want to do that. I honestly just want to camp somewhere in isolation for a week (and I work at REI so I could get stuff cheap) or so but the problem is that I no longer have a car. I certainly can't at home because I don't live on my own. I live with my dad and brother who never leave home. 

Edited December 29, 2018 by kieranperez

[CreamCat]

1 minute ago, kieranperez said:

As far as the solo retreat, I do want to do that. I honestly just want to camp somewhere in isolation for a week (and I work at REI so I could get stuff cheap) or so but the problem is that I no longer have a car. 

Don't wait for a fancy place. Do it at home if you can. I'm going to do a one-day solo retreat at home tomorrow.

[kieranperez]

Just now, CreamCat said:

Don't wait for a fancy place. Do it at home if you can. I'm going to do a one-day solo retreat at home tomorrow.

I can't at home. I don't live on my own and I have a horrible relationship with my dad whose always home. I'm either alone walking around San Francisco all day by myself miserable and depressed, or at home with my Dad who I have to share a bed with at fucking 23 where my Dad plays the news ALL DAY at full volume where he debates talking to himself and just works from home all day, never leaving the house, and blames me for the source of his misery.