how to deal with feeling violated

[triadne]

Hi, I posted before about noise and how to possibly ignore it etc.  I've made various connections since then. Today I've got something pretty solid after having a very unpleasant dream.
basically I know I'm dealing with abandonment issues and feelings of being violated.
every time I hear a noise of a door banging or a loud bang in the building, I feel violated. This is linked to when I was younger and living with my mother. there were numerous occasions where things happened and she did not come to my defence.  There was an occasion where the neighbour started doing very noisy home improvements, and my mother did not think I needed to know. I got woken by the noise and it was quite traumatising.
The dream last night though was related to my half brother at the time,  he moved into the room below my bedroom and caused a lot of issues with noise. he replaced the door handle with one that made it so that whenever he closed the door it slammed very loudly. he removed the carpet and replaced it with hardwood floors and used it to bounce his basketball. he played his guitar with his amp very loud. This period became quite hellish for me and when I went to my mother to ask for her help to remedy my situation, I was of course turned away. my life became a living hell at that time and my mother did not care.
So now, these issues persist. when I hear a loud bang, like my neighbour closing their door heavily, I get anxious. I feel violated. I have tried to let it go but i can't. I have a pervasive feeling of uneasiness and I just feel unsafe.  It's not as though the noise is very loud. that isn't the issue. the issue is I can hear it.  this fact means that they are making the noise, not considering my feelings and nobody is protecting me from it. my home is being violated by unwelcome noise and I am being subjected to this.
I would really appreciate any insights on this and how to move forward. thank you. 

[purerogue]

Teal Swan had video about override such issues, if I remember correct it is done by creating different association with sounds that disturb you,

Edited December 31, 2018 by purerogue

[Zigzag Idiot]

The Welcoming Practice 

The ideal time to use the practice is as close as possible to the upsetting situation. Even if this is not possible due to the particular circumstances in that moment, turn to the practice as soon afterward as you can. Initially you may find that methodically working through the three steps will take some time and concentrated effort, but as your conscious awareness increases the practice can be employed almost simultaneously while in the midst of challenging or troubling times.

The Welcome Practice has three steps:

Focus or ‘sink in’ to become aware and physically present to the particular experience or upset. Bring your attention to what is happening as sensation in your body. Without analyzing or judging yourself or your state, inwardly tune into what is happening as the physical embodiment of the experience. Don’t try to change anything at this stage – just stay present. This will help to avoid drawing mental-cognitive conclusions, and will also ground you in the body’s experience rather than repressing what’s arising. By engaging with this awareness to sensation over time it can help us become more attentive to moments of constriction and unconscious reactivity.

Welcome and lightly name the response that is being triggered by the difficult situation (such as “fear” or “anger” or “pain”). Acknowledge the response as sensation, and recognize that in this moment, if the experience is not being rejected or repressed, it can be endured.  Ever so gently, begin to say ‘welcome’ (such as “welcome fear”, etc…) Though this step is counter-intuitive and the impulse is most likely to try to push away the unpleasant emotion, Cynthia explains

“…by welcoming it instead, you create an atmosphere of inner hospitality. By embracing the thing you once defended yourself against or ran from, you are actually disarming it, removing it’s power to hurt you or chase you back into your smaller self.”

The flow of energy shifts almost immediately, becoming more spacious, and defenses can relax sufficiently to allow new perspectives or more positive responses to emerge.

Transition to a ‘letting go’, whereby the intensity of the situation can recede. This enables the natural fluidity of sensation to come and then go. In the classic welcoming practice methodology there are then four statements that you can employ and recite to yourself at this stage:

I let go of my desire for security and survival.

I let go of my desire for esteem and affection.

I let go of my desire for power and control.

I let go of my desire to change the situation.

As Cynthia puts it, “This is not a final, forever renunciation of your anger or fear; it’s simply a way of gently waving farewell as the emotion starts to recede.”

From https://wisdomwayofknowing.org/resource-directory/the-welcoming-practice/

Theres  a 30 minute video here also

[BKH]

Make it so that you own the experience, producing the sounds yourself. Experiment with putting different emotions into the actions. As an example, try slamming a door lovingly. Slam a door angrily. Slam a door like it doesn't matter at all. Go play electric guitar on an amp, don't care if you know how (for example, go to a guitar shop). Play some basketball.
Another tip is to use sounds as meditation. Try to be as fully aware of the present as you possible can, trace the coming and going of sounds, and notice as much as possible, including the silence between. It can also be done in conjunction with a deep contemplative question, such as "what is time?" for interesting effects

[triadne]

Thank you for all the advice. I've tried some things.

BKH, thank you for the advice. it sounds good, but I don't know if I can do that.  I'm too scared of repercussions. It may make my situation worse. I love peace and quiet and I feel like perhaps this is too emotionally loaded for me. I think I need to wait until i have a place where my banging won't upset anyone else. then I can do it.

purerogue, I think I know what you refer to. there was one where she walked through some negative situations and started making different associations. she was on a stage sat with a young man.  I understand that and I tried to work with it. I cannot imagine any good thing to associate these noises with though. There's nothing I can think of that might make me feel happy about them.

zigzag idiot, this was really useful. I actually got woken up by noises this afternoon. I started doing what you described and it did actually stop any feelings of anxiety at first. the continuing bangs didn't help me to maintain my low anxiety state, but at least it was a start. I don't feel so overwhelmed today, whereas I would have in the past.

[Matt8800]

On 12/28/2018 at 11:50 AM, triadne said:

Hi, I posted before about noise and how to possibly ignore it etc.  I've made various connections since then. Today I've got something pretty solid after having a very unpleasant dream.
basically I know I'm dealing with abandonment issues and feelings of being violated.
every time I hear a noise of a door banging or a loud bang in the building, I feel violated. This is linked to when I was younger and living with my mother. there were numerous occasions where things happened and she did not come to my defence.  There was an occasion where the neighbour started doing very noisy home improvements, and my mother did not think I needed to know. I got woken by the noise and it was quite traumatising.
The dream last night though was related to my half brother at the time,  he moved into the room below my bedroom and caused a lot of issues with noise. he replaced the door handle with one that made it so that whenever he closed the door it slammed very loudly. he removed the carpet and replaced it with hardwood floors and used it to bounce his basketball. he played his guitar with his amp very loud. This period became quite hellish for me and when I went to my mother to ask for her help to remedy my situation, I was of course turned away. my life became a living hell at that time and my mother did not care.
So now, these issues persist. when I hear a loud bang, like my neighbour closing their door heavily, I get anxious. I feel violated. I have tried to let it go but i can't. I have a pervasive feeling of uneasiness and I just feel unsafe.  It's not as though the noise is very loud. that isn't the issue. the issue is I can hear it.  this fact means that they are making the noise, not considering my feelings and nobody is protecting me from it. my home is being violated by unwelcome noise and I am being subjected to this.
I would really appreciate any insights on this and how to move forward. thank you. 

@triadne If loud noises make you feel violated and it is that emotionally loaded for you, I think you should see a therapist.

I think it is healthy to keep things in perspective that for many people around the world, if the worse thing in their life was a family member playing his guitar too loudly, that would be heaven for them.

Its not them, its you.

Edited January 3, 2019 by Matt8800

[triadne]

4 minutes ago, Matt8800 said:

@triadne

Its not them, its you.

It always is.  I didn't think I suggested otherwise.
Thanks for taking the time to reply.

[Mu_]

Ya you may need to go into this with someone in person and really get the bottom of it.  Maybe a therapist, maybe a person you can be really honest with.  Who knows what the cause of this is, but it does seem to be effecting your life, so go to a professional.

Edited January 3, 2019 by Mu_