Trip Report - Love is Paradise

[ZZZZ]

Yesterday I had my strongest trip yet. I solo dosed 200 ug of LSD at home, and boy was this one taxing (and incredible, as always).

 

I was dealing with pretty uncomfortable stomach aches/pains this time that I don't normally experience, and found myself with a headache as I was coming down. Several hours after the peak I realized I was probably significantly dehydrated from one of the supplements I was taking, and water seemed to help a lot. This trip was unusual because it came on really quickly, and only lasted about 5-6 hours before I was done with 85-90% of the effects. I hope what I had is really LSD, but the source should be reliable, and it turned out okay in the end. 

Below are a list of events I took note of during the afterglow of this trip. They are somewhat in chronological order, but not perfect (insights are bolded):

 

To take the tabs or not (12:15): So I had come to terms with tripping on this particular day, but then thought I was going to have to reschedule on the morning of. I wasted time all morning, talked myself into why it would be okay or even better to do it another time, and then went full circle and convinced myself to do it once I realized I would be able to. My morning was more rushed than I would have wanted it to be, and there were a couple unknowns that afternoon/night that made me a little apprehensive at first, but I went ahead with the trip anyways.

I had this really cool moment where I had the blotters in my hand and my mind was racing about whether I should cut one in half, or whether I was sure I wanted to do it, but I finally just put them on my tongue and realized there was no turning back. I remembered back to slowly wading into the pool as a kid trying to avoid being uncomfortable (and various similar experiences), but this time I was just going to jump straight in to the deep end. Taking risks and getting out of your comfort zone is what makes life interesting.

Later on in the trip I had this really crazy experience, as if the entire first few hours of my trip was contained within the confines of the 2x4 strip of blotter that I had consumed. Like a full blown Horton Hears a Who type thing. I wish I could remember the details better, because it was really trippy. I thought back to how mundane my day would have been if I didn't make that singular decision to take the LSD. I pondered about how caught up I was on dosage, and knew there were no numbers to quantify the experience I was having. 

Who took the acid?: I remember thinking, who took the acid anyways? It wasn't my acid to take. The acid just acided! This made total sense to me, and my sense of self was completely dissolved. There was no comprehending what had changed or was no longer there, the experience was just blissfully whole. It wasn't even non-dual, because there was no dual to not be. It was crazy. 

Primal state with food: I got a little irresponsible and started making a mess in the kitchen with the food. I started to cut this big loaf of french bread that I bought, but got irritated with the knife and just tore a piece off and started eating it. I had pre-sliced an avocado and just started grinding salt and pepper over it and onto the counter top and floor. I went to get a butter spread for the bread, and just pulled some out with my finger before taking bites of the bread. I sank my teeth into the avocado a few times before finally getting a spoon to get the rest out. I threw the rest of the hunk of bread at my wall lol. Not really sure why now... Societal norms just went right out the window. Chaos took over and I struggled to make things seem orderly again. I spent a lot of time trying to get the bread back in the bag and laughing as I cut off a straight piece so it would fit in the portion I didn't tear open and look normal.

I had this weird thought about how I had swept up before hand so the total mess was less now than when I started or that my roommate was also me and that it was already messy or something... Idk how I justified it, but it just felt nice to not care about cleanliness or order for a moment. 

Laughing hysterically: I found myself laughing hysterically several times throughout the trip. Mostly at realizations I knew I would never be able to describe to other people, but also realizations I would forget myself when this was all over! I think that was the punchline. The cat was in on the joke too lol.

I remembered thinking about describing certain things throughout my trip, and realizing I need to simply live life instead of trying to describe it to other people all the time... Over text message, on the internet, etc. Which brings me to my next point.

No one to share with, futility of posting: During my "non-dual" state, I realized how unnecessary it was to share, discuss, or post any of this. I truly felt like anyone I would have shared this with would already somehow know the information. I had this thought about wanting to share with my Dad... I kind of lost where my thinking went with this one, but it really freaked me out too. We were pretty much the same person in a way. Same with someone else I was thinking about, and judgements that came up about them. They were my actions to deal with because I was making them. Very weird, hard to explain.

I remember having this trippy reemergence of ego at one point, and what I can best describe as a voice saying something along the lines of "this is yours to deal with now" lol. As if it were my ego's responsibility to live on knowing what I know now.

 

Profound emotional experience****: This was by far the most profound experience of my trip. I had never really experienced this before on any other trip I've had in the past, and this had to have occurred during the peak. 

I experienced what I can best describe as an unihibited flow of love. I remember trying to articulate this after the fact and not liking any particular descriptor such as "love," but I think it fits conceptually.

I don't remember what came before it or after it. This was around the time of the laughing fits. My body became ethereal, it's like the emotional experience just disintegrated everything around me and flowed through my body. and I remember finally wiping my hand across my face to see if I was crying, and it was wet with tears. I might have been crying from laughter, I'm not sure. So often we think ourselves into crying, but there was no thinking at all involved in this, the tears just happened. I wasn't my body in this moment. I was it, and experiencing it. I was myself; purely and perfectly. The ego wanted to say yes this is ME as I was recalling this experience, but there is absolutely no denying this falsehood.

This song came on during the comedown, and it best describes this insight: Love is paradise. Love is everything.

Cologne (abbreviated): I got two new colognes for Christmas. I didn't even realize, but one was from my Dad, and one was basically from my newish step-dad. I sprayed my Dad's on me. It was kind of an odd experience, but got me thinking about how I preferenced one over the other, and they sort of represented those two men out of nowhere. One bottle was white and one was black lol.

Profound empathy/self deception (abbreviated): I was going to keep the fact that I tripped to myself once people got home, so I thought about how I was having this incredible experience and had to put on an act like nothing happened. Before the trip was even complete I realized I was already putting on an act to deceive myself. Not sure which empathy experience I had now. 

Cat connection, birds outside: I forgot the cat existed until right after the peak of my trip, so he kinda freaked me out for a second, but then we really started to bond and I felt like I understood him so well during this time. We anthropomorphize animals so often, but this lil guy was just doing his thing. There was no judgement from him, and he was being so cute. I remember thinking "he gets it" whenever I would have a realization. I sat outside for a moment and there were a ton of birds chirping outside, like dozens. He always whines to go outside, and when I saw them flying overhead and chattering as vividly as I did, I understood why a little better. He was looking out in the window while I sat there.

 

Shower/bathroom insecurities (abbreviated): This one was kinda cool. I took a shower towards the end of my trip. Realized some of my insecurities.  It felt like a VR human washing simulator when I started using the lufa lol. 
 

 

 

That's all I have the motivation/time to type up for now. I'm feeling incredibly sore/gloomy today, so I'm just going to relax and try to integrate a little bit. If you've never tripped before, I highly recommend it. Thanks for reading. 

 

 

[Wisebaxter]

Thanks for posting man. That sounds on the whole like a very positive trip, especially the experience of pure 'love' you had. I'm listening to the song you posted and it really is beautiful. I can almost imagine how listening to it would have made you feel in that frame of mind as I experienced something similar myself on my trip. It's great that this was a new experience for you as well. Awesome to get something unique from the trip. Do you think you'll be able to integrate this into your life a bit? I've been asking myself the same question. The memory of the feeling is still so vivid, so this is helping me to view the world through a slightly different lens as I keep recalling it. 

Funny you had that experience with the cat as I had one too which was really similar and our cats look very similar too lol. Mine's female, but ginger. She hopped onto my lap when I was tripping and looked into my eyes, seeming to smile at me, the most warm, loving smile. At that moment she looked like the most beautiful, regal creature I'd ever seen. 

Great that you had some ego death too. Have you had that before at all? 

Sorry to hear you're feeling glum. Be kind to yourself, relax and remember you'll bounce back soon. I find a nice bath usually sorts me out. 

Well done for going ahead with this trip too, despite your reservations. You're a warrior 

Edited December 28, 2018 by Wisebaxter

[ZZZZ]

@Wisebaxter Thanks buddy, I need to sift through your trip report a little better once I get the time.

I think I'll definitely be able to integrate some of it. I feel like with every trip I go a little deeper, and then I probably hold onto maybe 10-15% of the lessons/realizations in a profound way. This trip was pretty heavy on the non-dual. I'm not sure it wasn't there in the other trips, I just probably wasn't as aware of it. All I know is that I am HUMBLE today. My goodness, it's amazing how trivial some things are.

It's my roommates cat, so at first I got nervous I left something out that he could get into haha. I'm not sure it would have made any difference if he were "mine" or not though. The idea of ownership kind of goes out the window in that state. He went from a lion to a kitten to a creepy lil creature whenever he would stretch. His eyes were amazing too.

The thing about ego death that I didn't realize is that once it's "dead" you can't even really conceptualize what it was like when it was "alive," so it's a real mind fuck. Typical lines of thought just don't make sense anymore, and then you kinda realize.

But thanks man, I'm just gonna go relax and maybe workout. Not sure why I feel down tbh.

[Wisebaxter]

@ZZZZ Take a look into your experience of the glumness, to determine what's actually there, in your sensory field. It's probably a physical feeling somewhere, a tightness, a sense of emptiness. Feel into that fully, allowing it to be there. Remember there's the feeling and then the thing that's observing it, which is always pure and separate from it. Stay mindful of what's in your experience, what actually there. I find this usually helps to release the feeling a bit 

14 minutes ago, ZZZZ said:

The thing about ego death that I didn't realize is that once it's "dead" you can't even really conceptualize what it was like when it was "alive," so it's a real mind fuck.

That does sound like a mind fuck for sure. I really want a piece of that action at some point. Maybe you're getting some ego backlash today as you gave your ego a massive bitch slap and its fighting back

[ZZZZ]

@Wisebaxter Yeah, I'm physically and mentally exhausted. I think I tensed up a lot this trip (physically). Squeezing my pillows and blankets and such. 

I'm sure there will be a lot of ego backlash in the next couple of days. When I get the mental fortitude, I'll try and keep it at bay. Maybe do some meditation or inquiry when I get back from the gym later.

 

From my experience, it's about the 150-200ug mark that you start to get the ego death type experiences. Tripping multiple times also allows you to fixate on aspects other than the "whoa, stuff is moving" part of things. This trip seemed way too long lol, that's kind of the nice thing about mushrooms. 6 hours isn't even that long for LSD, it's just the subtle stimulation you get for the following 6 that makes it excessive (depending on the trip, and especially solo tripping).

[Nahm]

1 hour ago, ZZZZ said:

I experienced what I can best describe as an unihibited flow of love. I remember trying to articulate this after the fact and not liking any particular descriptor such as "love," but I think it fits conceptually

Wonderful report. I feel like I totally get you. Very happy for you with the realizations, and with where you’re headed. This one (above), I hope I’m not imposing, but, it would be difficult to find a “particular descriptor” or to express nondual self to “another person” who is experiencing body consciousness. Just a thought for you. Thanks again for sharing, much appreciated, like a breath of fresh air. ♥️

[ZZZZ]

1 hour ago, Nahm said:

Wonderful report. I feel like I totally get you. Very happy for you with the realizations, and with where you’re headed. This one (above), I hope I’m not imposing, but, it would be difficult to find a “particular descriptor” or to express nondual self to “another person” who is experiencing body consciousness. Just a thought for you. Thanks again for sharing, much appreciated, like a breath of fresh air. ♥️

Yes, that makes perfect sense, thank you  I just teared up remembering it again. I feel a lot better after getting out of the house and doing something active today. It was a great experience, and I'm excited for the growth that will follow.

[cetus]

1 hour ago, Nahm said:

 

3 hours ago, ZZZZ said:

I experienced what I can best describe as an unihibited flow of love. I remember trying to articulate this after the fact and not liking any particular descriptor such as "love," but I think it fits conceptually

Wonderful report. I feel like I totally get you. Very happy for you with the realizations, and with where you’re headed. This one (above), I hope I’m not imposing, but, it would be difficult to find a “particular descriptor” or to express nondual self to “another person” who is experiencing body consciousness. Just a thought for you. Thanks again for sharing, much appreciated, like a breath of fresh air. ♥️

 

@Nahm This is exactly where I get stuck. Thanks Nahm for putting this out there.

Sometimes when I open the door to deep love and compassion it feels as if the flood gates are opening so wide I won't be able to handle it all. Like the other day  for instance a couple of gents from Jahova's Wittness knocked on the door and I let them in. We had a short chat and I strated to say Jesus's last words "forgive the father for they know not what........... and I totally broke down.

[Nahm]

@cetus56 ??I hear ya man! ?♥️

I like the “last brownie” analogy...we seek alone...we discover alone...we find it alone....and it’s so delicious, we’re like “everybody’s gotta taste this”!!!!! 

@ZZZZ ??♥️?

[cetus]

@Nahm So what do you do? Take what may come? The thing is when i open up totally to love and compassion for all the inhabitants of this planet as a collective it's almost overwhelming. It hit's me in the body, so to speak.

[Nahm]

@cetus56 

Just gotta let it pour out. What else can we do really?  Solo retreats, maybe psych’s, creative activities, med, yoga, the usual suspects can ‘open the gates’.  Open up for you, so to speak, and not sure how this sounds, but, though one “opens up” alone, everyone opens up with you. You probably know that already. At the same time, all nondual roads lead to helping others. Mystical indeed. All there is is truth, and everyone is the one, acting like they aren’t. The veil is so thin. I try to act “more normal”, but then the thought of ‘ acting normal’ can trigger abnormal laughter, socially anyways. What can we do? Lol 

That “body hit”, I know very well. Takes your breath away, literally. Drops ya to the floor. Just listening to someone is great. Solo nature retreats are great. More recently, I basically sat in a recliner and cried, barfed up emotion, was washed with mourning & the love over and over, at some points it was semi-exorcism-ish, for 3 -4 days. Ya might have 3-4 days of something along those lines comin, hard to say. ?But ya, “take what may come” always fits. Reminds me of, “If you wanna make God laugh, just show em your plans”. 

More practically speaking, my orange life is done and gone, and I’m keeping the business plates in the air while beginning, and starting from nothing, a new “career”. I’ll spend the rest of the days helping anyone and everyone interested in finding their brownie. Awwwww sob! Now it got me again!?

?

edit: Really over answered there. Sorry. Thanks for asking btw. 

[cetus]

@Nahm "Everyone opens up with you" I shall not forget. Thank you my friend for sharing every word.

[Nahm]

@cetus56 Thank you!

@ZZZZ It’s infectious❣️

[cetus]

@Nahm  Whatever your putting on the plate I'm sure it's going to manifest into something very special. They will come to share your table.

[Nahm]

@cetus56 That is really kind man. Thank you.

Truth is simply everywhere, no?

https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=fvEZUbzqqyM