365 days no fap journal. Getting rid of porn addiction.

[Leonid]

Hello everyone ?

This is my journal to keep me accountable. I am an 8 year porn addict. I've started when I was like 12 back at school, then got the internet on the computer, then it was slowly escalating, I was having problems at school, low self-esteem, anxiety problems and so on. 

I never knew it was due to watching porn. Was blaming anything but my porn addiction. 

Couple of months ago I was jerking off 2 times a day, often in the evening and in the morning. I started to realise it was a big problem for me about 6 months ago, cause it became so compulsive, like literally i cannot stop it even if I really want.

It is draining your life energy, it makes you anxious all the time, bad at social interactions and so on. I remember 3 years ago I was a different person, was able to hang up with the girl I liked, touch her etc. Not the case now at all. 

So, I am dead-set to deal with that addiction. If I won't, it'll consume me.

So, in this journal I will be posting:

°Day-to-day updates with my progress

°transmuting sexual energy into something useful

°anything whatsoever what will make it easier or help to drop that addiction

°dealing with emptiness that comes from dropping addictions

°share books about addiction recovery, porn addicts and so on 

°how to deal with procrastination and so on.

So guys, I need to get started. I know I am not alone. Many people have porn addiction, including people I know personally. 

My longest streak was like 13 or 15 days, now I am on my third day. 

I do realise that without the significant lifestyle change I won't be able to pull it off. So, anything connected with lifestyle changes I'm going to post here.

P.S. Sorry for my English tho, it's my second. Wish luck to all the people who are on that journey with me.

[Leonid]

Day 4

Urges to masturbate are very mild, very easy to cope with. Unfortunatelly I still feel myself inadequate in social interactions. But it's getting better every day without watching porn!  )

[TheAvatarState]

@Leonid This is a big change, and you're the man for taking it! Remember, when you feel the urge to relapse, stop, catch your breath, and reach out to someone if possible. You REALLY don't want this relapse, no matter how much your mind will trick you into thinking it's the best feeling in the world. It's not. It's shallow, and only lasts a few minutes, then you're weak and tired. Fuck that!

Start visualizing yourself 360 days from now. Intently, clearly, in great detail. Do this everyday, and after a week or two, you'll start building that fire of vision and passion to fuel the rest of your journey. ?❤️

[Roman25]

I recommend that you spend your energy on building good habits rather than using your energy on avoiding the addiction. You will get drained fast from focusing on quitting. Don't worry if you relapse once. This happens to 90% of people trying to quit an addiction. People make the mistake of assuming that all of your progress of quitting gets reset completely when you relapse. 

Anyways man, I'm glad that you have enough courage to quit something that you identify with. Shows very strong character. Wish you luck man.

[Leonid]

Day 5

Almost no urges. I think I'm going through flatline or 'dead dick' stage. Hope that'll last long enough so I can build my willpower a little bit. Obviously today no porn, no looking at pictures, no phantasies. @Roman Edouard Sure man, I've downloaded a couple Robert Monroe's books and started reading them. Thanks for your support buddy. 

It'll let me to concentrate my attention on what really matters - consciousness and non-duality. I've had a glimpse of non-duality a month ago, it was so strong and mind-blowing that I had to stop meditating and started playing a bunch of stupid video games. I never thought I can be everyone that I see or hear, and I'm still in doubt, but I sure as hell want to try to get back to that state again. It is pure bliss and non worriness. So I thought it's a good idea to track how much sleep I get at night. 

Also what I noticed is that my sleep has direct influence on how much willpower will I have the next day and how good I'll feel myself. 

[Leonid]

Day 6

Again almost no urges. Continued my meditation habit, although I did not meditate for a whole week now. After 3 years of practise I still does not have an everyday meditation practise. But that's fine, Ramaji in 1000 says that you start to meditate only after 580 LOC (Level of consciousness), in my experience that's true. Only after 570-580 I started to see the immense benefits meditation brings and how life could actually be lived. Just gonna keep going. Downloaded 'Sexual energy and Yoga' book to transmutate energy. 

[Leonid]

certainly feel more energy and motivation

 

[Shin]

[Leonid]

@Shin Man, thank you a lot for support!

[Leonid]

@Shin If you also have porn addiction, I hope my diary would be helpful. Going to master a lot of stuff about addiction and porn and sexual energy here.

[Leonid]

Day 7. No urges

Here's the 7th day! Benefits start to kick in. Skied yesterday, and I have to say man, I greatly underestimated sports. I really felt like more energised and more aware, in a way. It's because I was skiing in the forest, and the sun was shining, and I've meditated in yesterday's morning, and I felt the beauty of it. 

The cool thing about meditation is when you meditated a couple of years even 20 mins can get you really high in terms of awareness. Even if you behaved like a degenerate for weeks.

[Leonid]

Also Happy New Year everyone! In Russia this holiday is more celebrated than Christmas, we come and give presents to each other and so on. I'm going on holidays with my parents for a couple days, so I won't post any updates. I'll leave my phone at home so I won't possibly have any access to porn and pictures.

[TheAvatarState]

@Leonid Great man! Keep it up!

[Leonid]

Day 8, 9 and 10

Also almost no urges. Maybe just a little bit. No desire to go back to porn. It was just so time-consuming and was just really a way to ignore reality and procrastinate. But I think I'm ready to face it. 

Reading a lot of books about finances and consciousness

[Leonid]

Day 11

I've made a mistake. I played till late evening and then it was very hard to not relapse and just go to sleep. But that's what I did. I certainly would not risk next time

 

[Leonid]

Day 12

Almost no urges, a lot of energy. Starting to think that I certainly need to buy a book about sexual energy transmutation.

[Leonid]

Day 13

Finally managed to get to sleep in time

Reading book by Terence Gorski, 'Staying sober', which I find extremely relevant to porn addiction.

Feel a lot of energy, meditated 30 mins today.

[Leonid]

Day 14

Got to sleep in time

Read Terence's book. Gonna concentrate on predicting my relapse patterns and try to change the obstacles. Watched how woman masturbate, did not relapse. But won't do it again. My mind tricked me into it. 

[TheAvatarState]

@Leonid Keep it up man! It will get really difficult yet, but stay strong. You're not going to be "over the hump" so to speak until a month or two. 

[Sahil Pandit]

@Leonid Slight work