Meditation Retreat Report; My Failure & My Questions

[Cocolove]

Background: I've been meditating for about 4 months daily, 30 minutes minimum in the last month, kriya daily for about 1 or 2. shamanic breathing weekly for 1 or 2.

My intention was: To go four days doing 4x 1 hour SDS per day.

Last week: I'm in high school, Christmas break started. For the week before last week I was able to pull off a few one hour sits, and the rest were at least 40 minutes. I had realized if I wanted to do this retreat I wasn't going to be able to just jump up from my 30 minutes per day. The day break started, I did my weekly shamanic breathing, daily kriya, and 2 one hour SDS sits. It was the most i've ever done in a day ( and i've tried). The next 4 days I used a ton of discipline to do two times one hour sits. I was motivated to build up to doing 4 a day for 4 days, and to make the most of my break. For those 5 days (first day of break plus next 4), I was doing one sit of mindfulness meditation and one sit self inquiry. Throughout those 5 days I faced a good deal of ego backlash, and steamrolled through. I thought it would go away but since I kept pushing through it snowballed.

Retreat: Today was the first day. I woke up and could feel the ego backlash in my body. It was a craving for unconscious habits that I've cut out a while ago & a deep raw feeling in my chest, like after a break up or some kind of loss. I went through my morning kriya, a grueling 1 hour SDS, and made it 30 minutes into my 2nd sit (which was self inquiry). I called it quits. I realized I wasn't going to have some massive shift in consciousness that allowed my to pull this rapid change off. My plan now is to spend the rest of break doing kriya, a one hour SDS, and 30 min of self inquiry(in an SDS style). I also plan to keep up this habit once school starts again, which will be challenging since I am so busy(hard classes). If I can do this, which I am fairly confident in, It will be a massive success, going from 30 min per day to one hour meditation, and adding in 30 min of self inquiry.(Leo's last video made me decide I want to set up a self inquiry practice, & this week has been my first time trying it). I am currently experiencing the same ego backlash from the beginning of this paragraph, and am spending a lot of time sitting there mindfully through it.

A sneaking suspicion: It was not feasible to make the jump from 30 minutes a day for only 4 months, to 4 hours SDS a day, even for a retreat. It was too large a change in the system of myself, even for a few days, and especially after the huge change of 2 hours daily that i practiced before the designated retreat time.

Am i right or am i wrong? Would it be best to go with my new plan for daily practice, and try again over the summer? I was thinking in a few months I might be able to spend my weekends doing 2 day retreats where i do 4 hours SDS per day.

How long does it normally take, in terms of daily practice, before a person is able to the kind of retreat I was trying to do.?

Am I wrong in assuming it would be easier in the future with more daily practice and growth?

Or is the cold hard truth that this would take the enormous suffering it would take me to do it right now?

 

Thank you for reading, I would really appreciate answers, and insight from those who have been where I am now in terms of development and spirituality. <3

Edited December 27, 2018 by Cocolove
shitty grammar

[ajasatya]

@Cocolove go to a place where they have a solid practice already. you're not mature enough to manage your own schedule.

look for sesshins in zen centers and vipassana retreats at dhamma.org.

[karkaore]

@Cocolove first of all, I would like to say that reading this left me amazed! This really left me sitting here with a smile on my face. Dealing with high school stuff and sticking to the kind of schedule that you have set for yourself would have been something way too much for me.

In my opinion, you are doing great! I would advise keeping up the meditation, self-inquiry, ect. until sitting there for an hour is not gonna be much of a struggle. Until you will voluntarily be wanting to sit there for that time, even longer! Keep in track of yourself whether you are aware and open minded when you aren't doing any practices. The most important thing is being aware and mindful from the second you wake up until the moment you fall asleep. Please, correct me if I'm wrong.

To answer your question I would say that it would make sense, if you extend you practice times, it would make the retreat more gentle and smooth. Although be careful not make up very beautiful and visionary expectations. I wouldn't try and force it or plan too much ahead for it. You will know when it's the best to do the retreat. The circumstances will show you, your intuition will show you.

And uh.. don't blindly believe @ajasatya or any other who's saying you'r not good enough! No offense @ajasatya  Everyone is very different to one another. You might be just as mature as any other, despite your age. There is no need to rush into zen centers ect ect.

You know what you need. Look within and good luck on your journey!

[Leo Gura]

@Cocolove You learned some good lessons attempting that. Failure is part of the learning process.

Now you have a bit of a better sense of how difficult it is to pull off a solid meditation retreat. Especially solo. Its takes super-human levels of self-discipline and dedication.

Yes, you have to build up to it. Just like you cannot will yourself to bench press 300 lbs. It takes many months of ramping up to that.

The value of something like Kriya yoga is that you can do it for 1hr per day and it will gradually strengthen you over the course of a year in a way which you would never be able to achieve with a week-long hardcore retreat. The reality is that it takes time to rewire the mind and build tolerance for meditation.

Yes, you need a lot more daily practice. It also helps a lot to hit a point in your practice where you actually enjoy meditation. It's very hard to pull off a retreat if you're secretly hoping it stops. The key is to surrender to the whole process and try to enjoy the silence, solitude, and peace. But that probably won't happen your first few retreats.

Just keep practicing and doing as much as you can. Remember, it's not all about quantity. The quality of your practice is far more important than quantity. Quantity without quality will not yield much results.

Also be patient. You are young. You don't need to be enlightened tomorrow. It's okay if it takes 5 years of practice. You will still be ahead of everyone else.

[Cocolove]

@ajasatya The vippassana retreats wouldn't let me in because I'm not 18, and I don't have much free time during school to align my schedule with one of those. I will do one of these in the summer though, thank you.

39 minutes ago, karkaore said:

The most important thing is being aware and mindful from the second you wake up until the moment you fall asleep. Please, correct me if I'm wrong.

 

Thank you, your post put a smile on my face as well. I agree with that ^, In the last 2 months i've been really working on focusing on the breath, my body, and trying to put awareness on awareness in all my free time, such as while driving, walking, or other activity like that(and as much as I can when my mind is occupied).

@Leo Gura

Thank you for the thoughtful reply, I did some journaling the other day and I came to the conclusion that I need to be more careful in focusing on quality over quantity. I was falling into that trap a bit. I have noticed in the past month that there were a few days where I did enjoy the meditation, and I was also able to get into a very meditative state, I guess this will happen more often over time

 

I feel much more certain in what's going on and how to do this thing, thank you all. 

I got a lot of books for xmas and I started reading the book of not knowing, and one robe one bowl. 

 

 

[onacloudynight]

@Leo Gura What makes Kriya yoga so powerful? As opposed to just meditating.

I'm considering getting back into it, because from what you describe, it sounds like a faster path.

Edited December 28, 2018 by onacloudynight

[Cocolove]

@onacloudynight Kriya secrets revealed the book talks about how (from what I understand), meditation puts you in a place, especially as a beginner, where the monkey mind is very active, and kriya quiets it without you trying to do so. Whatever the reason, I vouch that It feels much more powerful.

[herghly]

@onacloudynight Kriya yoga works directly with the subtle energy body

[Leo Gura]

2 hours ago, onacloudynight said:

What makes Kriya yoga so powerful? As opposed to just meditating.

Kriya yoga is a set of special physical and energetic techniques for rewiring your nervous system. It is supposed to be much more powerful than meditation.

Kriya yoga is a bit like micro-dosing psychedelics.

[zunnyman]

@Leo Gura

On 12/28/2018 at 4:32 AM, Leo Gura said:

Kriya yoga is a set of special physical and energetic techniques for rewiring your nervous system. It is supposed to be much more powerful than meditation.

Kriya yoga is a bit like micro-dosing psychedelics.

A question I have had for a while .. do you think Sadhguru’s inner engineering,  hatha yoga, and shoonya (also a kriya designed to experience nothingness) will give the same benefits as the kriya yoga you speak of? I do want to go slower and safer (sadhguru’s way) but I also do want to experience the benefits of the hardcore kriya yoga you speak of