Done first "solo" retreat (though it wasn't a true one)

[Matt23]

So I did my first solo-ish retreat.  I knew going into it that it wasn't ideal and I'd probably fall off the wagon and get distracted since I was doing it in my Dad's house.  I was given an opportunity to have 10 or more days alone at his place so I thought I'd give it a whirl, knowing that it wasn't set up great.  I didn't expect much.

Super difficult for sure.  I don't know how Leo or anyone can do ten hours of meditation a day for ten days straight.  That blows my mind.  Even sitting without doing any meditation is ridiculously boring and challenging.  

Though it did feel great to work through addictions and habits, I also caved in a bunch as well.  

I focused mainly on some emotional issues I've been struggling with over the past 6 years or more.  Using Leo's technique to deal with negative emotions helped a lot.  It was pretty amazing.  through this I realized I suffered from lots of emotional neglect as a child and teen.  I forgot how much I suffered.

Then I did some LSD.  Half a tab on two different days.  I feel I could've definitely done more.  Lots of insights from this and healing I feel.  I got more in touch with my feminine side which I believe is my stronger side which I've neglected by thinking myself as masculine.  

Saw how I project onto reality and that whenever I recognize something it is immediately not what it truly is.  

During a self-inquiry session I focused instead on trying to find what is not an experience.  After which I walked around and had an experience as if I was looking down upon my body and wasn't my body.  It was kind of trippy.  

I also did some very strong weed brownies and thought I had an enlightenment experience but probably not.  It was really, really, really weird though.  My hair was dropping into my line of sight and I was tilting my head back and forth, watching the hair and wall behind it move.  Then all of a sudden saw what I was seeing as having consciousness and sort of forcing consciousness onto it, making the person behind non-existent.  It was like everything I was looking at became this weird entity that was me.  It's very hard to explain.  But I don't think it was an enlightenment experience since I didn't feel different too much, except a little freaked out, and I felt like I was forcing it to happen and from what I understand people can't force enlightenment to happen.

All in all I think I learned to appreciate the suffering of purification a bit more and realized the value and importance of doing nothing and boredom and how healing and insightful those two things can be.