Depression & feeling empty while intense consciousnes work

[John West]

Hey guys,

I've been doing consciousness work for the last 4 days for about 6-8h per day (except yesterday, there it was a little less), but generally the last few weeks I did a lot of consciousness work, more than I usally do. I watched the ego backlash video, but now I really realise what that means. I feel very depressed right now (as I've been for the last few weeks where I increased my amount of consciousness work). I thought I could handle this with my mindfulness skills, but it turns out to be very challenging. I'm meditating for more than 1 year now every day and do self-inquiry, Kriya Yoga and generally spirituality work for 3-6 month every day. I can't exercise right now (usally big distraction for me) because of an injury and my (first ever) girlfriend broke up 3 month ago (and started a relationship with my best friend and I always see them at school) after a 4 month long relationship, maybe this is also creating this whole depression/loneliness/anxiety/uncertainty within me. I used to feel happy (at least I thought, now I'm not sure wether I just deluded myself about that) but times of feeling good are rare these days.  I think I could distract myself and avoid suffering that way, but Leo told us to go through the suffering. I was depressed 4 years ago and came out of it stronger. From your experience, would you say that I'm going too hard with consciousness work? If this can bring me through this, by all means, I want to continue like this. I can probably live with that if it doesn't last for more than a year, maybe even two years. But I fear that I get myself into more neuroses etc. and end up throwing that entire Personal Development thing into the trashcan. I fear that I'll create irreversible results. I'm under 20 btw. and masculine if this is somehow important. Also a big problem of mine is that I hear things like "happiness is found in the present moment", and I kind of get what is pointed to, but I put pressure on myself and think that I "need" to be happy right now. And then obviously it doesnt work, which also creates this unhappy bubble I am in right now.

I know you cant help me, but maybe there is someone in this forum who went through a similar situation like me and used it to grow themself consciously and emotionally. Because I sometimes wonder wether all this enlightenment/consciousness work is coming too early in my development. Thank you for reading such a long text from a foreigner.

Merry christmas

[Hellspeed]

40 minutes ago, John West said:

Hey guys,

I've been doing consciousness work for the last 4 days for about 6-8h per day (except yesterday, there it was a little less), but generally the last few weeks I did a lot of consciousness work, more than I usally do. I watched the ego backlash video, but now I really realise what that means. I feel very depressed right now (as I've been for the last few weeks where I increased my amount of consciousness work). I thought I could handle this with my mindfulness skills, but it turns out to be very challenging. I'm meditating for more than 1 year now every day and do self-inquiry, Kriya Yoga and generally spirituality work for 3-6 month every day. I can't exercise right now (usally big distraction for me) because of an injury and my (first ever) girlfriend broke up 3 month ago (and started a relationship with my best friend and I always see them at school) after a 4 month long relationship, maybe this is also creating this whole depression/loneliness/anxiety/uncertainty within me. I used to feel happy (at least I thought, now I'm not sure wether I just deluded myself about that) but times of feeling good are rare these days.  I think I could distract myself and avoid suffering that way, but Leo told us to go through the suffering. I was depressed 4 years ago and came out of it stronger. From your experience, would you say that I'm going too hard with consciousness work? If this can bring me through this, by all means, I want to continue like this. I can probably live with that if it doesn't last for more than a year, maybe even two years. But I fear that I get myself into more neuroses etc. and end up throwing that entire Personal Development thing into the trashcan. I fear that I'll create irreversible results. I'm under 20 btw. and masculine if this is somehow important. Also a big problem of mine is that I hear things like "happiness is found in the present moment", and I kind of get what is pointed to, but I put pressure on myself and think that I "need" to be happy right now. And then obviously it doesnt work, which also creates this unhappy bubble I am in right now.

I know you cant help me, but maybe there is someone in this forum who went through a similar situation like me and used it to grow themself consciously and emotionally. Because I sometimes wonder wether all this enlightenment/consciousness work is coming too early in my development. Thank you for reading such a long text from a foreigner.

Merry christmas

The consequence of going fast into the unknown. Now, you go deep into your own depression and pain or you slow down. If you go at this pace in 1-2 years you have the possibillitie to fully awaken, but is atrocious painfully wise, i speak from own experience of trial and error. 

[John West]

11 minutes ago, Hellspeed said:

The consequence of going fast into the unknown. Now, you go deep into your own depression and pain or you slow down. If you go at this pace in 1-2 years you have the possibillitie to fully awaken, but is atrocious painfully wise, i speak from own experience of trial and error. 

If I go a little bit slower, will it just take longer to fully awaken? Or does slowing down lead me away from the path to awakening? Because I wouldn't consider myself to be very conscious, I can't even clearly distinguish between direct experience and concepts. I dont know if I can handle this pace for a long time.

[Hellspeed]

6 minutes ago, John West said:

If I go a little bit slower, will it just take longer to fully awaken? Or does slowing down lead me away from the path to awakening? Because I wouldn't consider myself to be very conscious, I can't even clearly distinguish between direct experience and concepts. I dont know if I can handle this pace for a long time.

Learn Tantra and master in-jack (not wasting seed outside anymore) if you want to do it fast and pleasurable. 

[Maya_0]

Quote

 Also a big problem of mine is that I hear things like "happiness is found in the present moment", and I kind of get what is pointed to, but I put pressure on myself and think that I "need" to be happy right now. And then obviously it doesnt work, which also creates this unhappy bubble I am in right now.

Happiness doesn't come about through needing or wanting happiness, but through accepting; accepting the present moment exactly as it is. Accept your situation,, even accept your unhappiness.

Edited December 25, 2018 by Maya_0