Have I Awakened?

[Guest username]

Last week, I was just taking a walk outside and doing some self-inquiry. Suddenly, the feeling of me weakened considerably. My suffering and anxiety quickly dissipated, and the barrier between myself and the rest of reality has been blurred. I have my doubts since others who report this experience talk about completely merging with reality and knowing of this field of awareness. I, on the other hand, still have some identification with the ego, but at the same time feel like I am all of reality and feel the no-self.

Also, the voice has quieted down more so than ever before, and my baseline level of happiness and peace of mind is greater than I can ever remember it. While there have been distinct moments where I have felt better, I can't recall this even-keeled, constant peace of mind, ever; it's like being a small child all over again, but maybe even better. Not only that, but people report quickly going back to the ego-self after their brief, amazing experience; I , rather, haven't reverted. Though I still have bad habits, anxieties, insecurities, etc. it is all much weaker, I can just let go of the automatic-negative-thoughts (ANTs) instead of ruminating, and that black-white boundary between me and everything else is distinctly weaker. The change seems subtle but significant, and it doesn't seem to subside at all--it always just is.

Here's some of the differences in list form:

- Suffering has gone down considerably.

-Emotions are less distracting.

- I can just let things go.

- If the ego is hurting and I'm self-absorbed, I can shift focus to the higher self like zooming out of a picture, and see that I am everything.

- I still have bad habits, but they don't feel nearly as rewarding to indulge, as guilt inducing afterwards, and their control is weakening. This seems not to be happening with just a specific behavior,but across the board.

- My existential quandaries no longer trouble me.

- Other people may still like other people, but they also feel like me, sort of. Also, when ever I hear/think of others' achievements, there is almost no jealously or self-shame-- they feel like my own. I also don't feel like any of that truly matters.

-I don't feel a strong need for other people's validation, or even my own validation.

- I don't feel like I need to search for something to be happy.

- I find more authentic joy in my hobbies since my self-image is not related to them.

- My work doesn't reflect who I am; it is simply a part of the infinite me.

- Messing up doesn't make me feel bad about myself. I can just note that I want to modify a behavior and move on.

- I don't feel better/worse/ or equal to others. I just am, and they just are.

- I don't feel like there is good or evil, but I have no strong impulse to do things that are traditionally thought of as evil. I just feel more compassionate and loving not because it is meaningful or better-- it's just a reflection of my state of being.

TL;DR: Everything is the same but better.

PS: I just did a two hour Strong Determination Sitting today; I don't do those often and have only been doing them for about 30 minutes or so, so I didn't really work up to it at all. It was still difficult, but I didn't even feel resistance until after the first one hour. Only the last 30 minutes were hellish. Interestingly, I feel somewhat more identified with the ego- self after that intense sit, but I suspect that may just be temporary and a heighted awareness of the ego that was still "there". The intense physical sensations make awareness seem more localized in the body.

 

Questions for you: What happened to me? Is this preliminary enlightenment? I didn't merge into reality completely, and this field of awareness/ emptiness is still alien to me, which makes me thing either that will happen in the later stages if this is awakening, or I am just experiencing something else entirely.

 

 

[WelcometoReality]

Pls read this.

 

And watch this.

 

 

[Guest username]

@WelcometoReality Thanks so much for that. I think I'll just keep quiet and keep up the enlightenment work without constructing a premature mental model. I also accept whatever resistance may come.

[QandC]

Same thing happened to me yesterday. I merged with reality but there was still a strong sense of ego. I don't feel the same at the moment, just a little bit. Now's the time you choose if you want to continue going deeper or going back to your old ways.

Personally, I'm not gonna continue, it feels as if my ego is too strong at the moment and wants ti get back, it creates anxiety

[Azrael]

3 hours ago, Anthony Gosal said:

What happened to me? Is this preliminary enlightenment?

You have to see that there is not only a sudden awakening but also a whole path that can slowly bring yourself to awakening. As one reads a lot of books and tries to intellectually build a framework around this topic, I'd guess that the belief builds up that there is this key moment and from then on everything is different and you now dive in your enlightenment.

And if you read such books as "The Power of Now" from Eckhart Tolle or you listen to some Zen stories (some masters awaken students with punchlines - this is really ridiculous but super cool) this belief strengthens itself. You can probably have such an awakening.

What I have discovered so far is that like a pendulum you sometimes feel like you begin to see it and at other times you think you are completely lost. This happens to me a lot. Now, after a year I had phases in which I felt completely like you and thought this was the seed for my own awakening and then there followed grief and horror several weeks long. 

Like feeling hell, really. And you are just so mixed up, you even think that your meditation is not doing its thing anymore. You think you are doing everything wrong and so on. Its like all my fears and anxieties were given extreme power so that I am miserable.

Now, after having this 4-5 times - always for a few weeks - the first year of my journey I started to see this pattern, researched it and now I see more clearly that at some times I saw a little into it and then I was bombarded with all kind of bullshit that wanted me to go back to my old ego. It surely feels like dying in some sense. This is not easy stuff.

So now, I try to keep this in mind and when I see it I don't ask anymore "Is this enlightenment?", "Does it stick this time?", "Am I through?" and so on. And if I still ask these questions I know that it is just an automatic response from something constant and illusory in me that needs to be cut off.

So, I hope this helps. Are you awakening my friend? Look really deeply into what there is and answer it for yourself and then keep quiet until it shines onto you all the time. Then you know. .. or I guess that

[Guest username]

@Arik Thanks for the response! I haven't heard a great deal of stories or read any books, and I actually expected it to be more gradual, as that's what I hear it is in most cases, which is why the sudden shift took me by surprise. Just last night, I started experiencing strong emotions such as fear and dreamed  of past traumas. I suspect this is the ego fighting back and anticipate it getting much worse in the following weeks. I have no intention of going back, no matter how bad it gets. This is the most authentic joy I can recall experiencing in a long time, if not ever, and if it really gets better than any hellish experience is well worth it.

But yes, I'll just keep quiet and keep moving. I'm sure it will be obvious eventually. My judgements would be premature now.

[cetus]

@Anthony Gosal Hi Anthony. Right after reading your post I found this and thought maybe you would find it useful.