For a guy having sex and self-actualizing are total opposites

[MM1988]

i just realized that as a guy you cant honestly self actualize and be good with girls at the same time.

Just think about what does it take if you want to be good with girls?

- Manipulation, being dishonest, playing games like ignoring her etc.

- Making yourself look better than you are, be materialistic, be success oriented

- Be extroverted, dont give a shit about anybody than yourself

- Being self confident to the point of narcisim, having a big ego

- Play the social media game constantly / narcisim

- One-up and dominate other guys, dont be a "friendly" or soft guy.

- Be into all kinds of low-consciousness stuff like partying and drinking.

- Being obsessed with your appearance and gym, becoming a "bro".

 

Of course these are extremes but in a general sense what this website does is it moves you away from all of these thing. If you want to be the kind of guy you become through self actualization & spirituality you have to admit that it makes you very unattractive to women, especially once you move into spiral dynamics stage green. Sure you can do that stuff in secret, learn pickup and do the whole alpha-male thing in front of girls but how long will you be able to hold that up? Its going against your core values and women will notice that you are not only bullshitting them but yourself too.

The typical ignorant bro can get girls because thats how he is, he can authentically behave this way. You cant just act like that, you have to become it to the core.

Edited December 24, 2018 by MM1988

[bejapuskas]

You are a machiavellian, stop seeing so much shit in other people, stop judging them and stop being so affraid of their intentions, it is no good for you.

You can absolutely be good with girls, just in a different way, you will also get different (probably better) type of girls.

You are probably not authentic enough, you have just accepted some dogmas about relationships from others, it's not the real you  Get over it!

[Odysseus]

You're displaying stage orange stereotypes. The only necessity to 'get a girlfriend' is the practice of self-love, which is investing and accepting yourself and being heartfully intersted in others, which comes with embracing ones self-love onto others.

But you might just start with mastering the alpha-male-tactics in order to establish the understanding for stage green and above dating/relationships.

[NoSelfSelf]

Enlightened guy is attractive and does thing naturally without manipulation....

[Emerald]

... or this could be a rationalization to make yourself feel better about your lack of success with women. 

Like, "Being good with women is a bad thing anyway because it gets in the way of self-actualization, therefore it is those of us men who are unsuccessful with women who are truly the top dogs. So, I'm far more likely to self-actualize than men with a girlfriend or who have a lot of one-night-stands."

It's kind of like the awkward plain girl in school soothing herself and hating on the pretty popular girls, and saying "Yeah. Well at least girls like me have better personalities." Meanwhile, she does not have a very good personality herself, and she's overgeneralizing people based upon outward appearance because of jealousy.

Clearly, you would really like to have success with women. Don't deny that to yourself or you will end up repressed.

So, look into some of the RSD stuff and other healthy forms of dating/romance/approach techniques. You have to get your inner mentality about this right. There is no reason why you couldn't have success with women too. This is the main thing that you have to realize. You are not some social pariah that just can't get a girlfriend, no matter how much propaganda you read that feeds into that delusion.

Out of all the nerdy and/or unattractive guys that I've known in my life, literally none of them went past age 20 without having had a girlfriend. The nerdiest and most awkward guy I can think of (who also looked kind of like a heavy-set, real-life version Dexter from Dexter's Lab) got his first girlfriend when he was like 19.

So, clearly, it's not your looks or nerdiness or anything else that's keeping you back from what you want. It's just your mindset about yourself, and perhaps a lack of social outlets in general. 

[tenta]

Absolutely, if this is your strategy for getting laid then yes, you're just getting stuck in low consciousness nonsense such as selfish manipulation tactics.

[ajasatya]

6 hours ago, MM1988 said:

Just think about what does it take if you want to be good with girls?

- Manipulation, being dishonest, playing games like ignoring her etc.

- Making yourself look better than you are, be materialistic, be success oriented

- Be extroverted, dont give a shit about anybody than yourself

- Being self confident to the point of narcisim, having a big ego

- Play the social media game constantly / narcisim

- One-up and dominate other guys, dont be a "friendly" or soft guy.

- Be into all kinds of low-consciousness stuff like partying and drinking.

- Being obsessed with your appearance and gym, becoming a "bro".

nah, those are things that impress most men. do those if you want to be good with them 

if you want to be good with women, work on emotional vulnerability, tenderness, authenticity and motivation towards hard work.

Edited December 24, 2018 by ajasatya

[MM1988]

1 hour ago, Emerald said:

 

Out of all the nerdy and/or unattractive guys that I've known in my life, literally none of them went past age 20 without having had a girlfriend. The nerdiest and most awkward guy I can think of (who also looked kind of like a heavy-set, real-life version Dexter from Dexter's Lab) got his first girlfriend when he was like 19.

So, clearly, it's not your looks or nerdiness or anything else that's keeping you back from what you want. It's just your mindset about yourself, and perhaps a lack of social outlets in general. 

Yeah thats what I thought at that age too "it happens when it happens" then I was 25 and nothing happened. Than I started to take massive action and asked out and approached tons of girls. Now I'm 30 and still nothing happened.

[Emerald]

3 minutes ago, MM1988 said:

Yeah thats what I thought at that age too "it happens when it happens" then I was 25 and nothing happened. Than I started to take massive action and asked out and approached tons of girls. Now I'm 30 and still nothing happened.

What do you think the issue is? Why has nothing worked out?

[MM1988]

@Emerald not much contact with girls growing up + low self esteem + a personality thats not compatible with most women

But honestly, I can make female friends fine, I look decent, have friends. On paper I should have had a girlfriend, you would not suspect a thing if you knew me. So nowadays I like to think there is some kind of karma at work that makes it impossible for women to have romantic feelings for me, kind of like a curse.

There are much much worse people than me out there doing fine, so I dont blame myself too much nowadays, it feels more like a cruel joke and I take it less and less seriously the older I get.

Edited December 24, 2018 by MM1988

[Emerald]

57 minutes ago, MM1988 said:

@Emerald not much contact with girls growing up + low self esteem + a personality thats not compatible with most women

But honestly, I can make female friends fine, I look decent, have friends. On paper I should have had a girlfriend, you would not suspect a thing if you knew me. So nowadays I like to think there is some kind of karma at work that makes it impossible for women to have romantic feelings for me, kind of like a curse.

There are much much worse people than me out there doing fine, so I dont blame myself too much nowadays, it feels more like a cruel joke and I take it less and less seriously the older I get.

There must be some kind of personal block that you have about the whole thing. Literally, not a single person that I've ever met, is someone that I thought, "That person will never find someone who's interested in them." And I've met people who are really obtuse, unattractive, and a lot of other generally repellant traits.

So, I would say to focus more on your own limiting beliefs and see if there's a reason why you're holding on to certain narratives or attitudes. Or perhaps some limiting beliefs about things. Perhaps you even derive a sense of identity out of not being successful.

Either way, this is a fixable problem. 

[zambize]

I think there are more types of confidence than just big ego confidence.  I think you can have a big ego that you don't take seriously at all, so outwardly it's often interpreted as you being super confident with yourself, but deep down you just aren't worried about saying something stupid, maintaining any image, or needing to behave in any other way than what is genuine to yourself.  You can kind of pretend to be like this, and maintain it through deception and whatnot, but I think everyone has the more genuine form of confidence that they can tap into.  Spiritual work has probably made my ego bigger in terms of the thoughts and how cocky they get, but how could it be any other way?  Of course they are going to try and take credit and say whatever the fuck they want.  So I would work on being confident in yourself, and not worry if it means you have a big ego. You can have a big ego you don't take seriously.  I'm also not sure you lack this, but it seems to be one of the biggest things I've seen other girls be attracted to, and I personally find it very attractive.  I also wouldn't necessarily rule out that you just got unlucky, maybe you just did the opposite of winning the lottery in terms of girls and the right one has always just been at a different bar that night or whatever.  I'd still look within to see if it could possibly be yourself and some weird tendencies you aren't conscious of that, but I can't say with confidence that that's the case.  Could also be some self fulfilling prophecy, where you kind of believe in the back of your head that after all this time no girls into you and you're just cursed, and that could be causing some issues.  

[rabbitat]

High quality woman at any age aren't going to be into manipulation, playing games, being ignored, materialism or partying all the time. If you're looking to get laid that is one thing, but if you want a lasting girlfriend integrity and values are a character choice non-contingent on self-actualization. Unfortunately, that's just as hard to find. In my experience, people don't explore their sexuality or personal needs in a relationship well enough to know what they require to be fulfilled let alone be honest about it once they do. Too much guilt and shame around who people "should" be vs. who people are when they aren't afraid of themselves. Everyone's a little neurotic shall we say. It takes courage to remove that mask. Lonely existence indeed.    

[Rilles]

Dude, youre so off... stop bullshitting and go find a girl.

[Shin]

If you suck with women, no matter how hard you work on yourself, there will always be a part of you that won't be fully open and therefore limit your potential growth.

In your mind, women will still be seen as immensely valuable and worth pursuing, which will weight in your subconscious on some level.

 

There is only two ways out of this, which are deeply connected:

1: Find out if you're using this as an excuse and are lying to yourself, and if you do, be very conscious that you actually still hold the belief that women will make you happy and fulfilled.

There will be a paradox where you will know intellectually, even intuitively that it's never gonna work, but experientially you will still feel like you need one in your life.

So basically, brings a lot of awareness on this, meditate a lot too.

You need to be brutally honest with yourself.

 

2: Practice the skills needed to be attractive to women (Leo has a video on this).

The more genuinely attractive you become (no manipulations) the more detached you are from women.

You do this for you, not for them, because all the 5 factors that attract women like crazy are a reflection on how free and happy you are on the inside.

You can't be confident if you never achieved things you wanted to do in the past.

You can't be (truly) humorous if you have a sad and pessimistic view on life.

You can't be adventurous if you fear to go out of your comfort zone.

You can't be detached from outcome if you aren't secure and emotionally grounded,

And you can't be good in bed if you can't let go and fully embrace the animal side in you.

 

Ultimately both of those advices can only work if you socialize, hook up and date women, it's only by failing and suffering that you will understand they will never fulfill you,

Which in turns makes you want to focus even more on the above points.

 

You can't just do one and not the other.

If you only do the first, you will actually end up lying to yourself on how you don't need them.

If you only do the second, you will end up being successful with women but still being needy (even if you hide it like a god),

Because if you forgot the first point, you will dismiss the detachment part, the real deep detachment, not the surface level you think you have.

 

When you'll truly feel they can't make you happier, then you'll be able to truly choose if you want or not to be near them.

You will always be pulled toward them though, it doesn't matter if you're internally free, you're still one side of the coin energetically speaking,

But at least you will never confuse again the pull for salvation, for something that is required for you to be happy in life.

The decision will be about what you want to focus or not, if you have time or not, if you genuinely want it,

And not about lust or neediness, which are the same thing actually, a feeling of lack in you that needs to be filled,

Which will always be there no matter what you do, unless you spiritually awaken.

Edited December 25, 2018 by Shin

[MM1988]

@Shin I still hold the believe that a women would make me happier. How could I not? Everyone is having sex, everyone is talking about relationships and its such a big part of everyones life. And its so normal and easy for everyone else, and Im here completely left out despite trying hard for years. And on top of that are the biological cravings and im at an age where I should think about children and not having my first experiences. How could I ever truly just believe its not worth pursuing?

[Rilles]

20 minutes ago, MM1988 said:

@Shin I still hold the believe that a women would make me happier. How could I not? Everyone is having sex, everyone is talking about relationships and its such a big part of everyones life. And its so normal and easy for everyone else, and Im here completely left out despite trying hard for years. And on top of that are the biological cravings and im at an age where I should think about children and not having my first experiences. How could I ever truly just believe its not worth pursuing?

What are you doing on a day-day basis to make sure that you reach your goal?

[ZeN]

I can assure you @MM1988 that you are not alone in your predicament.

I am a 28-year old 2-meters tall blonde Scandinavian type young man with a masters degree, I have acheived financial and material success, Im walking the spiritual path and working hard to self-improve and overall have a kind heart and love the world. Plus I am athletic, I play volleyball and do yoga.

But with women and girls I have never had success - I havent even kissed or been kissed... For most of my life I had the mentality of letting things happen and hoping someone would show up in my life and I would get a girlfriend without trying much - logically expecting it as everyone around me experienced romantic love and partnerships.

During college my love life was like a satire. Every girl I set my sights or hoped to start a potential relationship with, ended up kissing someone else and I of course witnessed that every time (over 6 times altogether). Girls that were interested in me, werent attractive to me at all. This pattern is repeating after college...I have learned to laugh at this internally..but it still hurts every time.

I admit I struggle with self esteem as I was bullied at school. But I have made progress with shadow work and spiritual pursuits. I am Myers-Briggs ISFJ who enjoys alone time and I would categorize myself as a lone wolf type.

I want to experience a relationship, I feel the desire to at least once experience two sided love in my life. I know that realizing God, trascending the Ego, reaching enlightenment is priority number one but I also value being human and experiencing human connection. So lets stay positive and love our selves and each other

[Shin]

57 minutes ago, MM1988 said:

@Shin I still hold the believe that a women would make me happier. How could I not? Everyone is having sex, everyone is talking about relationships and its such a big part of everyones life. And its so normal and easy for everyone else, and Im here completely left out despite trying hard for years. And on top of that are the biological cravings and im at an age where I should think about children and not having my first experiences. How could I ever truly just believe its not worth pursuing?

They are all suffering greatly because of it.

Very few people enter a relationship without being needy.

So of course, from most people point of view, relationships and sex is necessary for their happiness.

[MM1988]

@ZeN That sucks its almost the same for me, everytime I pursued a girl she suddenly ended up with one of my friends or someone else. I can also feel the part of seeing it happen for everyone else and thinking there is no chance it will not happen for you at some point. And suddenly you wake up and you are 30 and nothing at all happened.

I agree about staying positive about it, what else can you really do? You cant let this bullshit run your life.