Depression (MDD) - How to feel about lost desires? +

[Shir]

Hey Everyone!  

I would greatly appreciate any and all thoughts about my situation and on the topic. 

For reference sake, I'm a Lady in her Mid 20's + (26), a virgin, been suffering from severe depression (MDD - Major Depression Disorder) and suicidal thoughts for years now. I'm very grateful to be in Therapy (for the past 1.5 years) and although it has helped in terms of emotional support (I have none other than him), I cannot help but feel like my depression has gotten worse as time has gone by. I appreciate all the efforts my Therapist has tried with me, including wanting me to try medication - but I refuse. I'm strongly against it in the sense that I feel like I hold the belief that it will NOT help me. I have never deviated from these feelings and never will. I just wanted to put it out there because this is something I do not want to put in my body. 

The reason I'm writing this is because I feel a deep sense of depression and dread over losing my desires. When I was a bit younger, I wanted to find love and have a Husband and hopefully kids someday with said soulmate. However, I feel deep down how those desires have died and so I feel so much less of a human. So much less of a woman. I've seen people who end up not having kids, but they STILL have amazing relationships...and, looking at myself I feel like I have lost that desire as well.

-> The few reasons that it saddens me is that;

 1) I've never been IN a relationship. I've been in love and heartbroken but never had the chance to experience love like a true relationship. I do feel in love & heartbroken right now over someone, because it's one of those situation where you fall in love with someone whom you feel is the perfect man that you've always wanted (and has made all the other "men" looks like little boys) the thing is - he is not only taken, but also in a situation where ever being in a relationship with him is out of the question (because of their profession).

 2) I feel like losing the desire for a partner and kids...makes me feel like there's nothing to look forward to in life. I get that life ISN'T all about those things however the only other thing that interested me was building my dream career...which I'm trying to do atm but it's been so difficult with my depression and constant ongoing suicidal thoughts. I have no desire for friends anymore. I have no hobbies that are outside myself. I don't see anything else to look forward to?

3) I feel like I DO have things to offer in a relationship that can be special and unique to myself ect. However, the very thought of being in one makes me feel like crying almost because I seriously cannot deal with ongoing judgment anymore. "why haven't you done anything all day? why don't you go to the gym? why isn't your body 100% model perfect?" I'm sick and tired of men like these. Depression is horrible and no one asks to be depressed. I want to be able to lay in bed, cry, not have to explain why I'm depressed and not have someone constantly criticize and judge me over it. The very thought of laying next to someone even gives me anxiety. 

I'm honestly devastated because I feel like one of the only things if not the only main thing keeping me alive so to speak is the desire to one day become a Therapist. It's been a dream of literally almost 12 years now and it feels like it's never going to happen. I can barely study, and there is still a long, long way to go (been in school for almost 3 YEARS now - please tell me that's not trying to make an effort?).

I have lost absolutely every interest in being social with my friends and have literally gone out MAYBE 3 times in the last year plus. It does nothing for me. I don't enjoy it anymore. It makes me feel like a chore I do to make THEM happy. To make THEM laugh. When I'm out, I count the minutes till it's over. I used to be so excited to go out! - dolling up, putting on more sexy-feminine clothes and appreciating my feminine side, being glad to be a woman. Now, even putting on makeup feels like a chore just to go to Uni and try and look more put together.

I'm a very, very friendly person and would never treat a stranger badly and even my Therapist has pointed out how kindly and loving I great the guards at our building however deep down I feel devastated over everything and just today was laying in bed, literally crying feeling like it's all over. Even when I'm in class, I feel suicidal and when we get breaks, I go to the bathroom and feel like my life is over. What I'm trying to say is, on the outside I'm very polite and friendly but on the inside I'm devastated.

In my opinion, there is a HUGE difference between a person suffering from depression that STILL wants love and kids in their life and a person who once did but has lost all interest in things they once wanted and desired.

Thank you to anyone reading this right now, I'm just in absolute tears and feeling devastated and suicidal all at once. 

 

Edited December 23, 2018 by Shir

[ivory]

Sorry to hear about what you're going through Shir I can relate to some of what you wrote, especially about not enjoying the things you used to. I'm glad to hear that you are getting therapy. I have a therapist as well and have really come to value our relationship. I went through a major episode of depression and was resistant to meds for the first 2 years. Eventually I got so depressed that I couldn't take it anymore. I agreed to try meds and oh my god do I wish that I would have taken them sooner. They didn't alleviate all my issues but they did lessen them so that they were manageable and I could work on the things I needed to. I still see ongoing improvements in my daily life, motivation, hopefulness, and enjoyment. Eventually I would like to go off of meds completely but I'm going to wait until I feel I've worked through the stuff I need to and my life is in better order.

[Elisabeth]

I remember one depressive morning a few years ago waking up and feeling no desire whatsoever (except perhaps for the desire to desire again). There was no reason to do anything, no reason to go on, no reason ...whatever. There wasn't even pain but there was suffering, so I remember just sitting on the floor and rocking back and forth, wondering with my very limited capacity to wonder what the hell happened and if I'm going to be this way now. It was one of the worst feelings in my whole life. So in that way I relate. 

What happened afterwards is that eventually, I had to pee and that got me up and thankfully the state ended. 

In my experience, losing a desire you've always had is usually temporary. It usually happens if you're too exhausted and preoccupied to go after that thing you desire. As you get better overall (and you will), the desire will reemerge.  

I'm sorry I don't have better advice for you than "wait it out", but I'm quite sure it will work. 

Edited December 23, 2018 by Elisabeth

[Jamie Universe]

4 hours ago, Shir said:

However, the very thought of being in one makes me feel like crying almost because I seriously cannot deal with ongoing judgment anymore. "why haven't you done anything all day? why don't you go to the gym? why isn't your body 100% model perfect?"

if your looking for good men to date, I suggest finding venues where people like that would go. For example, maybe volunteer for a good cause, vs. going to a bar.

 

plus I can also relate with not feeling desires anymore, but then one day It stopped. It was a while ago and I don't want to give you bad advice but I believe all suffering involves believing they're bad. Its not so much with the sensations of pain, but the beliefs. and you have control over your beliefs, maybe realize your self-argument for why its bad, I'm pretty sure mine went away from arguing, like literally one day I was like "wait is there actually anything bad right now?".

I don't know, this advice may or may not be relevant for you. 

[Nahm]

@Shir Breathe deeply from your stomach and relax your body, head to toes, over and over. 

That’s your thing from now on. You are a stomach breather, and you relax. THEN you proceed.

You op sounds to me like you need to understand what you can change, and what you can’t change. What you can control, and what you can’t control. 

You’ll feel great just getting some clarity on that.

Get a piece of paper and a pen, and make two columns. “Can Control” & “Can’t Control”. Be honest, and write the things on your mind down on the paper, in one column or the other. It’ll feel pretty good just to get this stuff out of your head and on paper. Then you’re in a bird’s eye view, and things appear much clearer. 

Then, pick just one thing you can control. It might be eating healthy. 

Pick one little change. An example might be, instead of buying / eating Cheetos, I’ll buy bananas.    Just do that one small change. 

Notice the feeling of empowerment from that one small change.  Focus on that feeling, hone into it, milk it, expand it, get to Know that feeling. 

Then, in a day or two, pick one more little change. 

This may sound trivial, or insignificant, but I assure you - you making even the tiniest changes, and seeing that you are indeed in control of everything needed to get feeling better - that is the most powerful force there is. It is in me, and it is in you. Don’t bullshit either of us. Tap into it. It is as simple as just getting started, with one little change. 

 

Also....if I’m hearing you right, you made a common error. You started a belief: “I can’t be happy without X”. Sounds like for you, X is kids and or a significant other. But, of course, guess what...

Kids are great one day, and bust your balls the next - they make you happy and not happy. Significant others are lovely one day, and a pain in the ass the next - they make you happy and not happy. 

The point is, lasting, true happiness will not come from anyone, or anything. It will come from you, taking care of you, and loving you enough to start to get a little disciplined about making some changes, and taking better care of yourself. 

If this is right for you, if it’s helpful, pm me anytime. This will pass, everything does. It is flat out awesome how good you will feel, from just starting some changes. 

[d0ornokey]