My meditation journal

[Thittato]

Such an awesome day. After work I went to eat with my mom, then I went rollerblading with a friend, and then I went home to do some weight-lifting. Both the rollerblading and the weight-lifting was super-awesome. I'm starting to get to where I want to be with my rollerblading - just stable and confident with a good repetoire of tricks and skills I'm continually improving on. Weight-lifting totally feels like the most important thing I need right now, next to my meditation-routine. It just gives me so much more fire and confidence, and it really adds to the stability I've been experiencing lately.

I was trying out a pump-track today with my rollerblades before we went to a traditional skatepark. It was a really good cardo-workout, and a really awesome way to warm up. So much fun as well. Here is a picture of the pump-track:

Edited July 24, 2020 by Thittato

[Thittato]

45 min today as well. It went really deep. I was like really disappointed when the time was up, and I was so inspired by both rollerblading and weight-lifting when I started the sit, so I was kind of surprised how easily I could let go of those thoughts. Anyways. I feel really grateful. The meditation is like a non-issue these days, and when it comes to physical exercise, holy damn, I have both rollerblading, yoga and weight-lifting to take care of that - such an abundance!

[Thittato]

45 min today as well. Good momentum.

[Thittato]

1 hour sit this morning. Good flow.

[Thittato]

45 min sit yesterday, and 1,5 hour today. I skipped one day here, so I had to compensate today by doing a double-session, and now I'm back on track again.

[Thittato]

2 x 45 min meditation today. Now my vacation has started (it started yesterday.) I was feeling so worn down. This summer I have worked with an exceptionally challenging patient who never came out of his psychosis. Fortunally he will be gone when my vacation is over. I’m meditating some extra today to see if can get all these impressions of total madness quicker out of my system.

[Thittato]

So I also did some weight-lifting this morning, and, wow, I love it so much. The kettlebells are fantastic, building both strenght and cardio. It feels pretty awesome that I have both rollerblading, yoga and weight-lifting in my flexible and dynamic exercise routine now. It feels like the only thing that is lacking is some martial arts, so I’ve been thinking maybe I can start to add that simply by starting to do some shadow-boxing by myself, or more specifically: shadow muay thai boxing. Then yoga and weight-lifting would more kind of my base, where as rollerblading and shadow-boxing would be my more atheletic, creative and flexible disciplines. I think it is about making exercise as fun and creative as one can, playing on the strenghts of lots of different approaches. At some point it might stop being exercise and instead just integrated play that one is flowing through naturally and effortlessly as an integrated part of ones daily life.

[Thittato]

2 x 45 min session of meditation today. I missed out on yesterdays session, but now I’m on track again. Ok, last month of this 3-month project of meditating 45 min per day!

[Thittato]

2 x 45 min session of meditation today as well. I missed out on a day (yesterday) once again.

[Artsu]

After reading your intro about sub personalities i decided to see if i could spot them, so i had a quick look.

I guess because this blog is for a specific purpose, you're sticking mainly to your primary personality type, ISFJ. So it starts with the routine ("45 minutes...") and then gets to the people, and so on.

I saw you break the pattern a couple times with ISFP posts. Given your focus on computer metaphors, there might be a strong NT personality in there too, but i havent spotted it yet.

I did notice a post where you wrote as an ISFJ, but with a heavy focus on extroverted perception. So that may be a sub personality to you, but what it is is your main personality with the emphasis shifted.

We have 8 cognitive functions, and these get arranged in sequences which reflect particular types. "Cognitive configuration" it is called.

Hopefully thats of interest to you.

Edited August 4, 2020 by Artsu

[Thittato]

6 hours ago, Artsu said:

After reading your intro about sub personalities i decided to see if i could spot them, so i had a quick look.

I guess because this blog is for a specific purpose, you're sticking mainly to your primary personality type, ISFJ. So it starts with the routine ("45 minutes...") and then gets to the people, and so on.

I saw you break the pattern a couple times with ISFP posts. Given your focus on computer metaphors, there might be a strong NT personality in there too, but i havent spotted it yet.

I did notice a post where you wrote as an ISFJ, but with a heavy focus on extroverted perception. So that may be a sub personality to you, but what it is is your main personality with the emphasis shifted.

We have 8 cognitive functions, and these get arranged in sequences which reflect particular types. "Cognitive configuration" it is called.

Hopefully thats of interest to you.

 

Hehe....

Thanks for dropping by!

Hmmm..... When I took the Myers Briggs test some years ago I became ENFP

Edited August 4, 2020 by Thittato

[Thittato]

45 min today as well. Now I'm pretty hyped for this last month of this 3 month project of 45 min meditation per day. Todays meditation was pretty good. I was visiting a woman I met on Tinder this weekend who lives in another part of the country, and it was a prettty mixed experience, but I've been able to meditate through the whole thing, both the build up to our meeting, and the landing after it, and it feels like it has supported me a lot. Actually I'm pretty hyped about how much it has supported me. I'm not sure if I'm going to continue to see her, but it feels like the meditation just helps me a lot in just keeping it open without stressing anything. I think we both need some time to process that weekend before any of us will feel inclined towards more contact, and after todays meditation I finally feel landed again and returned back into my daily life.

[Thittato]

45 min sit today as well. Very fulfilling meditation. I felt impressed by what this meditation gave me.

[Thittato]

45 min today as well. Good sit.

[Thittato]

2 x 45 min meditation today. I'm going to do more sessions today. It burns really hard. This weekend last weekend I was spending together with that woman I was dating, I screwed it up really hard in hindsight. I get into a very disempowered state when I fall in love with someone, and there was a lot of opportunities for kissing her and probably getting sexual - like we where sitting in front of a fire after having played guitar together and shared some beers, and I was holding around her and she was leaning her head against my shoulder. And the next day we were lying in the sun holding hands on top of a mountain top. It was a very good and fun vibe between us, but also a lot of insecurity. It feels so bad when it is this close to getting really romantic but then I just get really paralyzed because of my own sense of disempowerment and I totally just become a shadow of my own power. She can't have felt much of my masculinity at all. I spoke with her yesterday, and she totally wasn't up for anything more because she didn't feel it. All it would have taken would have been to kiss her in the right moment. I'm sure magic would have opened up between us then. But I failed. And now I can only let it burn.

To make some positive meaning out of this I just got to see it as interesting that also this experience becomes a part of this 3 months of daily meditation project. This is exposure therapy for me. I always get into a very disempowered state when I get a crush on someone. And hopefully this burning I'm experiencing right now is also bringing with it a purification that helps me stay in a much more empowered state the next time I really like someone.

I sensed in both these meditations today that the burning pain was turning into burning power and passion.

And I was enough in my center to actually get very close to this woman. I would have screwed it up much quicker if I hadn't been keeping this meditation-discipline going. But still, it was just not enough.

Got to continue to purify myself so that I can actually really like someone and also be in a much more empowered state at the same time.

I'll do one more meditation right now to feel even deeper into the burning pain.

[Thittato]

30 more min of meditation today, so altogether 2 hours. I think I was able to burn through this shit. At least the first wave of it. Me and a really good friend was out on the open ocean with his speed-boat jumping on pretty awesome waves. And then we went and did a 30 min meditation together at an island where this light-house is situated:

[Thittato]

45 min meditation today. The meditation was very good. Felt like this huge contraction I had in my body had dissolved, and the energy was flowing very freely. Yesterday it was burning emotional pain from that date that didn't work out. When I meditated today it was mild grief, and like this strong shock had turned into softer emotions that seemds to be flowing. However, I had very little energy after the meditation, so I went back to bed again, and now I'm feeling pretty depressed. I will try to just stay in the depression and not fight it.

It really sucks that I did such a bad job on this date when it seemed like we both wanted it to work out so much. There was tons of mixed signals in all directions. I guess, even though we both liked each other so much, we must have both projected at lot of fears and insecurities into the field between us, so that we must have both felt very restricted within this field between us. I imagine had I just kissed her in the right moments the blocked energy between us would have dissolved and magic would have appeared, but I was getting so into my head of operating within this restricted energy. It is kind of very strange that we also had a lot of fun and enjoyed each others company so much, but I guess we were both trying our best to get as close to each other as we could.

I don't understand why I keep attracting such dysfunctional dating-situations into my life. It feels like I've done so much work on myself. But I guess the energy I'm sending out is still somewhat chaotic. And that is why I'm having this 3 month project of meditating 45 min per day. My spiritual journey these last years has still been somewhat colored by my ADHD-tendencies jumping back and forth between various types of practice, so it is good that now I have decided to stick with my meditation-practice again, and probably I just haven't gotten completely to the roots of these patterns. I still haven't landed in myself, so I attract others with this same type of chaos.

I'll probably be glad that I'm getting a challenge like this as part of my 3 month meditation project. This project was going very well, so when I've healed from the hurt feelings I experience right now I'm sure the benefits will be even clearer.

I'll do one more session of 45 min now just to really allow myself to feel this depression fully.

[Thittato]

Some weight-lifting and then 45 min more of meditation. It feels pretty bad still. Guess I will just have to give it time.

[Thittato]

Some relief from the "second wave" of the emotional consequences of this failed romance. The last time this happened was last summer and then I went ahead a bought a one month pass at the yoga-studio nearby in order to do a lot of yoga to bake it out of my body. So harsh to spend 40 days intensely getting to know someone you really like, and then it is just dead stop. It almost felt like I had a girlfriend again, and it felt like I had overcome my patterns of going strongly ON / OFF so that I could develop at relation with her much more naturally and smoothly. She was doing a lot of the chasing as well. But then, *BOOM,* no more of that. Doesn't exactly feel like my heart is broken, although I was somewhat in love with her, but it certainly feels like I'm in some kind of shock related to being rejected. I'm pretty down on myself for being such a wimp on our weekend long second date as well. But I had to calm her down so much because she had so much anxiety about me visiting for a whole weekend after only having met once, so I guess it costed me a lot to go through these emotional rollercoasters with her on chat, phone and video-chat. It was very fun getting to know her as well, but I guess I was pretty exhausted when I finally arrived at her place. Been working with an extremly demanding psychiatric patient as well for this whole time I was getting to know her, and then I had this romantic thriller to deal with simultanously. The whole thing feels like a huge failure now. I hope it will be evident in a few days that I've also grown a lot from this, but right now I'm just in some pretty heavy withdrawal-symptoms for not having her in my life anymore. It feels so good having a woman in your life who is really eager to get to know you, especially when you like her as much as I did, and now that she is gone, wow, it feels so empty. I often have some kind of flirt or some kind of energy going on with one or more women, but as soon as we are actually getting to know each other it just goes haywire immeditaly. I must have some pretty messed up energies when it comes to the opposite sex. I'd be pretty crushed if I didn't at least get some signals back that women find me attractive, but it seems like a handful of them actually do and develop a fascination for me from the distance, but as soon as we we get any opportunity to explore our fascination for each other more closely it is just that same short-lived chaos over and over again. I guess I have an interesting personality, and I'm pretty different from most people, and I'm also usually a very positive and friendly guy with a lot of passions, but yeah, something is totally screwed up regarding how I relate to sexual energies. There must be some kind of solution to this. There must be a way to get more in tune with the sexual energies. I cannot exactly say that meditation has helped me so much with this so far. But maybe I can explore this more intentionally.

[Thittato]

45 min meditation today as well. My interests are everywhere else, but at least I got it down.