My meditation journal

[Thittato]

45 min meditation today. Very good flow. Getting into a concentrated flow state. In the beginning I found it particular helpful to work with the remaining "pain knots" from this recent crush I had. Like when I would get a mental image of her up in my mind, and then my body contracts into pain almost like if I had gotten burned, then I go into this "pain knot" and feel it through, and I get a lot of confidence doing that over and over when it happens, because it actually helps a lot, and it seems like I manage to neutralize the pain that way. The burning pain from being in love is probably my biggest trauma, so if I can neutralize this shit through meditation then I have really gotten somewhere with my practice. Something painful like this actually takes my meditation deeper, and then I get a kick out of it, instead of contracting into feeling like a victim. Turbo-awesome!

Edited June 21, 2020 by Thittato

[Thittato]

Started this day with 45 min sitting meditation as well. Slept late before I went to work to work evening-shift. Such an awesome flow at work this evening. All the best people were there as well so the social and fun vibe was really good. Took my rollerblades back and forth. Seems like I don't stress it anymore to get anywhere with my level of skill. The simple feeling of just crusing is amazing when I'm really present with my body just gliding down the road while the air is flowing around me. It also feels like I have stabilzed more around my daily meditation practice again. There was a honeymoon in the beginning of June when I was getting that intense kick I can get out of meditation, and then I was experiencing more resistance later on as I was getting impatient with the routine, but now a feeling of enjoying the stability of it has arrived. Yesterday I was in a skatepark. This is me doing a simple grind called soul grind. It is pretty simple, but it feels amazing - for a short little time being free from the resistance in the asphalt and just gliding along the iron with the momentum you brought into it. Everything builds from the simple stuff. Especially when you enjoy it.

Edited June 22, 2020 by Thittato

[Thittato]

45 min sit today as well.

I’m just really glad I’m still alive.

The meditation was awesome. Love to all of you ❤️❤️❤️

[Thittato]

45 min meditation today as well. 30 min walking and then 15 min sitting.

Damn, that journaling from yesterday is really embarrasing. Sounded so dramatic. The story behind it is that I was drunk and fell and hit my head on a rock, but for some miraculus reason it didn't hurt, except I have a cut over my nose, but I must have managed to slow down or cushion the fall somehow. Could have lost some teeth there, or even worse. I was acting pretty strange yesterday, I even walked barefoot over the fire we made.

I'm wondering if because I have not had much direct contact with the psychiatric patients I work with because of Covid-19, I was a bit unprepared for how I can sometimes internalize some of the crazy stuff I have to deal with in my job, and now I have had pretty close contact with some patients again. I was especially working with one guy who is diagnosed with paranoid schizofrenia, and I cared a lot about him I could feel and I felt very much empathy for his situation in life, so I think I have been soaking up some of his internal world.

My own internal world is very fluid. I'm somehow like a chameleon who always adapts to whoever I'm hanging out with - it is like since my own ego-structure has been a bit unclear, it is like I lack some psychic boundaries that can protect what I imagine must have meant to be a more stable ego-structure, so that makes me a bit vulnerable when it comes to soaking up other peoples energies. So I'm glad I have meditation to clear out these energies.

Besides all that, meditation is still really good. It feels like it gives me a really stable platform to return back to again and again. I'm keeping these skills of always going into the resistance sharp and honed. When I woke up today, I felt like an idiot, but it was easy to shake off these feelings, by going into them, and not fall for being overdramatic about it.

[Zigzag Idiot]

 

@Thittato Brother-and fellow-head-injury-Journaler-friend. ?‍♂️

Sitll enjoying your Journal,,,,, Your steadfastness and adaptability.

Thank you for sharing.

[Thittato]

21 hours ago, Zigzag Idiot said:

 

@Thittato Brother-and fellow-head-injury-Journaler-friend. ?‍♂️

Sitll enjoying your Journal,,,,, Your steadfastness and adaptability.

Thank you for sharing.

Hehe.....

Thank you! That means a lot to me ❤️

[Thittato]

45 min today as well. No walking, just sitting-meditation. Good flow.

Gosh, I've been a little too social lately.

This has been a problem before when my mediation starts to go well. Somehow my social vibe also starts to go really well simultanously.

I guess I just shouldn't make this into a problem. When I feel overwhelmed I'll just feel into it.

I like to push things too. Like how many people can I hang out with and still feel chill about it. Maybe if I just don't expect it to always be so totally awesome, then I can just be some nice and friendly guy who shows up here and there. I don't need to be the center of the party always. It is that all or nothing kind of thing that operates. And I can always leave early when I've had my dose.

I'm feeling less overwhelmed now as I write this.

Maybe I should also give up that attitude of getting something out of people. I only need to share my presence, and enjoy other peoples presence. I don't think it is really about feeling connected to others either, even if that of course is important. But the most important thing is feeling connected to myself. And that happens when I'm true to my spiritual path - which right now is meditating 45 min per day.

[Thittato]

45 min sitting meditation today as well. Lots of resistance. But still it felt good. I felt very tired. Didn't want to socialize today. But I was asked to come play Chess with a guy I really admire, and it turned out to be the best Chess-evening ever. I was even beating the shit out of one guy who is usually far better than me in Chess. Some kind of spiritual shit kicked in in my game. I was on top of my game. At first I was playing with this guy that I really admire, and he is just so far better than me that out of the 70 + games we've played with each other in total I've only won once. So he is not that guy I was beating the shit out of tonight, obviously. But playing against him for 2-3 hours first, and then when I met the rest of the gang, I was really primed for playing well because I totally accept that I will loose when playing against someone that good - but it is really my attitude that carries me through - the willingness to loose again and again without loosing my spirit. I've been drinking a lot tonight, but at the end of the night I just felt an enourmous presence - which I still feel. This game of Chess - this is FUCKING magic.

I really enjoy what I wrote yesterday, because, even though I was kind of complaining, those reflections really helped me find some rest even while I was hanging out with all those people. I was like pulling aside, ordering some food and something to drink, and just sitting there relaxing when I needed to while the others were having fun, and it really re-charged me. It was EXTREMLY interesting to see that I can find some good rest even while I'm hanging out with people, and they don't even need to notice.

I'm wondering what I need to do calm down aften an evening like this. First of all I totally need to drink a lot of water. But I was thinking maybe I should go for a little bit of rollerblading but that would be to exaggerate - I'm pretty worn down now even though I'm flowing on this manic flow buzz. But I think simply a warm shower ended with a solid good cold shower would be the perfect way to round off this evening, so that is what I will do.

Here are some pictures from tonight. Lots of other people were involved - but this is tonights main-crew.

Love and gratitude to you all <3

[Thittato]

And while I'm in the spirit of sharing pictures I got to share the picture we took from yesterdays jam-session as well. This is me sitting there with my drum together with two really cool girls who it was just totally awesome to jam with. I love that picture. Probably my favourite summer-picture so far. The guy who took it is so amazing. He has really inspired me when it comes to music. I'm going to meet him again on sunday when we are going to a mantra circle together. Then I will tell him how much I appriciate what he has done inspiring me with inviting us to come jam together outdoors next to the ocean. This was our third jam-session together after he started inviting us. So perhaps now you can understand, or maybe now I can understand, that even if I get a little bit tired from all this socializing, when I just surrender into it and allow it to happen, then there are so many magicial moments out there just waiting to be experienced. So I'm really glad I'm putting a little bit of conscious effort into this. Of course, spending time alone can also be really magical, especially when alone-time is fired up by a solid meditation-practice, so there isn't really an either-or, but more a both-and, so yeah, whatever happens, just trust your inclination and go with the flow. Sometimes you need rest, sometimes you need to push yourself a little bit extre, and trust that rest is always available by just sinking into this precent moment, because this is always where our batteries will ultimately be re-charged anyways.

[Thittato]

Gosh. That cold-shower was exactly what I needed. Thank you, Wim Hoff <3, for a really awesome contribution to my spiritual path. It wasn't even cold anymore. I mean, it is almost July by now, so I guess that makes sense. But this is the first time I've really felt like "Oh my gosh, the edge of the coldness is gone now." I guess today has been an exceptionally warm day. In a way, since I have been working on cold-exposure since at some point during last fall, which reached a strong climax when I was swimming in the sea a lot during January when it was snow here, and when that kick was over I was gradually moving over to cold-showers instead which I have been keeping up, and now the edge of the coldness is totally gone, I would say that now I have officially been fully riding out my first wave of cold exposure therapy. I guess we will have to see whether I'll jump on the next wave coming, but I might, but anyways, this has really been a really awesome contribution to my path. It has helped me in so many ways I find it hard to make a summary of it - but perhaps the most obvious thing, and perhaps most important, that cold exposure therapy can teach us is that salvation lies in going into what we resist. It has really supported me in bridging this realization into my meditation. It is easy to see this on an intellectual level, but still this tendency to oppose our resistance has so deep roots. It is really some kind of primal force, somehow, this resistance. And I'm far from over it, yet. But the willingness to just go into it, again, and again, and again, has really been multiplied, and I give a lot of thanks to cold exposure therapy for the support it has given to my meditation practice regarding this.

Edited June 27, 2020 by Thittato

[Thittato]

45 min today as well. First 20 min walking and then 25 min sitting. It felt very powerful, but I was kind of distracted at the same time. Like the energy starts to flow and my posture is very erect and open, and my mind is enough on the meditation object to continue to build this energy, but the focus is not good enough so that the mind lands on the meditation object, it kind of just hovers around - which is kind of strange in one way because it is very comfortable to meditate in this state and the meditation object is really intriguing, but somehow the commitment to let go off distractions are not strong enough to really land on the meditation object. But I guess this in itself is an energy. Landing cannot be forced. I just have to be grateful that the energy felt powerful and positive. Landing will happen quicker if I just allow this state to be as it is - to not add any extra stress to it by telling myself it should have been different.

[Thittato]

45 min meditation today as well. First 30 min walking, and then 15 min sitting.

I'm noticing I'm still more distracted than what I actually think I should be, so I'll return to my basic technique, which is making mental notes of my experience, for instance: "imaging thought," "seeing," "hearing," "conversation thought," "memory thought," "itching," "pain," "joy," well-being," etc.

When the momentum and/or interest is strong enough I can note these phenomena without mental labels, and it is about seeing my whole experience of phenomena start to break down into flowing vibrations, like "pain" for instance - it can seem like a solid lump of something unpleasant, but when you go into it and start to experience it deeply you will see that it actually has some movement to it, and there more you study it the more it will start to break down into fine vibrations of phenomena just flowing around in enourmous numbers.

Right now this is happening pretty much already with most of my phenomena, but still there is some distractedness going on at the same time, so that means I need to sharpen up my technique by returning to basics.

[Thittato]

45 min sitting meditation today before I went to work. I was using the technique "mental noting" as described yesterday, and my meditation was a lot sharper becaue of this. The technique in itself also builds a lot of energy which I can re-direct back into the meditation.

Also, it is raining today, which is pretty nice. I must have compensated heavily for the lack of socializing during lockdown when I was out partying so much last week haha..... So now it is really nice to just be home and listen to the rain outside and enjoy the fruits of my meditation practice. My heart feels at ease.

[Thittato]

45 min meditation yesterday and today as well. Some cycle of resistance and aversion that seems to have been released today. Yesterday it felt pretty vulnerable and difficult, and in todays meditation I went deep into all the aversion I was feeling and I was getting a sense of owning it, and now I feel released.

[Thittato]

One more month of 45 min of meditation per day

45 min meditation today as well. It was very pleasurable. Today I felt there was only a little tiny bit of subtle slipperiness left before my mind would have been rock solid still. But that slipperiness is really hard to penetrate through, because there must be some very subtle boredom or restlessness or aversion towards the present moment going on, but it is almost not possible to notice it, so it is difficult to see through it in order to go even deeper. But I think just the willingness, and the awareness of it, and also at the same time to just give it time to mature on its own, and it will start to go deeper by itself.

But this month of June that I have been having 45 min of meditation per day as my discipline has been really good, and I'm eager to go deeper with this focus, so I will extend it for one more month.

Edited July 2, 2020 by Thittato

[allislove]

Years go by and you are still meditating - just fucking amazing. Keep going ❤️???

[Thittato]

On 2.7.2020 at 6:36 PM, dimitri said:

Years go by and you are still meditating - just fucking amazing. Keep going ❤️???

Hehe yes! Ufortunately, or fortunately, there has always been enough suffering in my life to keep the motivation going regarding this practice ?

Thank you for the encouragement - it is very appreciated ❤️???

[Thittato]

45 min meditation today as well. Today I went deep into what I call «beautiful stillness.» It was so nice. When the mind gets still, before it gets really still, there is some tendency for some kind of subtle slipperiness to sneak in, which is difficult to see through, because it is so comfortable so it is easy to just sit there in that comfort and hover around the meditation object without really being fully on it, but today I managed to go beyond this slipperiness into beautiful stillness. The secret is to not get intoxicated by the comfort I realized, but to always go into whatever is still there of suffering however subtle it might be - that keeps things sharp, and that subtle suffering gets released by exposing oneself to it, and when it is released the meditation goes deeper. The type of suffering I’m working with in this landscape is just whatever kind of subtle resistance / aversion / restless / boredom I can find regarding the present moment. It often flies under the radar, and that is when I get side-tracked, so I just got to keep on keeping it sharp and focused by being intent on nailing it, because that is what gives rise to those beautiful states which is a side-product of the meditation going well.

[Thittato]

45 min yesterday as well (I'm writing this having just arrived home after having worked night-shift). I was far from "beautiful stillness" this sit, and it felt like I was sliding around in the subtle slipperiness where the meditation is pleasant, or mildly pleasant, but it doesn't really develop further into a sense of much greater clearity. I felt disappointed when I ended the sit because of how fresh in memory the meditation before this was and the contrast was huge. But then, as I went about my day, I realized it was really nice to feel disappointed. So I was just enjoying that feeling - because there is a freedom in letting go of demanding something from ones meditation. And I think that is actually a much greater experience than getting into some impressive temporary state. I'm so fed up with chasing these impressive meditative states. It seems, again and again, like I have very little control over when they arise. So I'm going to work more on letting go of my expectations. Just being open to whatever experience the present moment brings.

Edited July 5, 2020 by Thittato

[Thittato]

45 min of meditation yesterday and today. On monday I missed my sit, so I will have to sit for two 45 min sessions one of these days. Hopefully tomorrow. I had a lot of resistance towards meditation today and I was fed up with this whole project, but immediately when I sat down the momentum was really strong so it was really nice. I still get identified with the resistance when it happens, buying into the story it tells me that I need something else than this. But when I remember to open up fully to the resistance it gets processed. But ok, so far in this program I have only missed one day, and I can easily manage to do a double-session one of these days, so I'm keeping up.