My meditation journal

[Thittato]

No practice today, except for a warm shower ended with a cold shower, but that is mandatory for me now. Anyways, been feeling really great after this trip two days ago. It was simply just fantastic, the whole thing. Haven’t felt tired or drained or out of balance or anything - just chill inspiration.

I have done LSD approximately 20 times in my life, but I have always considered it a bit too wild. Now I’m starting to feel that I could perhaps get really used to that landscape.

I’ve done Ayahuasca approximately 20 times as well, and only one time after those 3,5 years in therapy was over. I had a break from all psychedelics while I was going in therapy, but first time I did Ayahuasca after I was done with therapy felt significantly different. I felt so much safer since it didn’t stirr up my trauma material so dramatically as it used to.

This time with LSD was the same - so much safer even though it was pretty challenging still, but it was so much easier to just land again and be back with my normal self. No heavy after-process. So I’m thinking that perhaps now I could really start to master the LSD-process - learn to surf the wave - instead of being thrown around by an unpredictable landscape. 

The thing that made me denounce psychedelics was the swing-back that came from being so manic about them, and when the mania wore off I felt really disgusted by them, so I had this very painful love / hate relationship towards them, that would swing dramatically back and forth. Now it seems much more in balance. It is not like I had one good LSD trip and suddenly that is the only thing that matters again. It feels much more chill and integrated this time - less obsessive. Life has so much more to offer than just tripping, but of course tripping is a very interesting part of life.

Edited March 27, 2020 by Thittato

[Thittato]

20 min meditation today. Was tired after working night-shift. I was supposed to meditate for 45 min, but fell asleep after 20. This is my crash-day after some pretty intense days lately, but still feeling very inspired by this LSD-trip on Wednesday. Speaking to many of my friends about this. It is like we're having a psychedelic renaissance during these Corona-times. Someone posted this pandemic home-festival thing on facebook. I thought it was pretty cool. Also, I'm finally going to read Albert Hoffmanns book on his discovery of LSD, just to make this into a bit of a more serious study. Tripping combined with journaling, meditation/yoga and book-studies I would consider pretty serious.

[Thittato]

Hot shower ended with cold shower today as well, and later in the evening now I did 25 min of yin yoga. Been feeling really lazy and tired today. My appartment has been a mess. Procrastinated cleaning it up for the whole day (and yesterday) but finally did it and then I did yoga. Perhaps I'm a little extra tired because of that LSD-trip on wednesday. Or perhaps only from the night-shifts. Not sure. Makes sense though, that I only noticed the energy the trip has taken out of me after the after-glow went over and not while the after-glow was still lasting. The trip was a demanding mental and emotional experience, so it makes a lot of sense that I would get a bit tired after it. But it also gave me a great relief, hence the strong after-glow.

[Thittato]

20 min vinyasa flow yoga today, and then warm shower ended with a cold shower. Great night of sleep. Was really tired yesterday as mentioned in the previous post. Perhaps I'm starting to get more integrated back into daily life again after this LSD-trip. LSD is really like a nuclear bomb for the inner world - blowing up the whole psyche so that all that is left is just fragments spread out all over the place - but then the psyche reconfigures and it is put back into place again, and it is like ones whole being has been shaken up and all those hidden little nooks and crannies in ones being gets a chance to get aired out.

Edited March 30, 2020 by Thittato

[Thittato]

A few more reflections on my latest LSD-trip.

Even though it was a big release, I didn't like the fact that while it was lasting I felt that I had done something terrible wrong, and I wondered if I would ever get back to normal. It felt like "jesus christ, why did I fuck myself up this way now that everything was going so fine, if I ever get back to normal again I'll never ever do anything stupid again."

I was also getting extremly needy while it lastest, I remember the extreme panic I felt when I tried to call a friend and he didn't immediately answer. I was also having long telephone conversations with 4 friends about my trip and the sort of panic I felt, while I was also conveying that I was managing fine but that I just needed someone to talk with. Another friend I was chatting with a lot on messenger. So next time I trip I hope to be able to relax into this neediness, instead of acting out on it and getting someone to be there for me. That said, we had a lot of great conversations and a lot of bonding, so that was nice, but next time I will try to spend much more time in solitude. This shock probably happened much because I took two doses, and not only one, which I will do next time, and also it has been a long time since I took a full dose of LSD so it probably takes some getting used to again.

I usually never trip alone, it has only happened a few times, so it will probably also take some time getting used to doing it alone and to encounter this feeling of loneliness while actually being alone.

Although a lot of this probably sounds pretty dramatic, and while it also was, the conclusion of the trip when I was going in for landing was that it had been a totally awesome experience, and that I had released a lot of difficult feelings, especially since I managed to do one hour of yin yoga while it was at its worst. It is like there is an inherent intelligence in LSD (and in all psychedelics) that guides you through a process that will almost always be concluded in a good way. Like the Hero's Journey in a way - meeting a challenge, surrendering into it / overcoming it, and then returning back as a wiser person.

Another thing that made me disown my previous relationship with tripping was that I was going so all-in with it and almost disregarding everything else, but now my life is much more balanced and integrated, so it is not like tripping will become my only interest again. Combine going all-in with tripping with a strong aversion towards the way life is normally lived, and how I used to think that all those who didn't trip was just totally out of everything that mattered and utterly sucked - well, you can imagine, my point of view was pretty extreme and out of balance. So it feels pretty re-assuring to see that this is not happening this time. I was at my job this evening, and my connection with my co-workers was still good and not affected by me having re-discovered something that is much more interesting than the state of consciouness they walk around in.

Another thing I realized is that I'm kind of a process-junkie, so that if I can kick something up that I can journal about this much, then I feel that I have accomplished something that is important to me. So a psychedelic trip is a really cool way to kick-start some processes if there is an urge for that happen. Another one of the mistakes I did before was that I had already too many processes going on, so kick-starting new ones with psychedelia just made me even more stressed, so that is another reason why I got burned out from it, and even though I already had too much going on, the fascination I had for psychedelics pulled me back into tripping again and again when instead I should have spent more time on integration.

It also used to feel like I didn't have any stable plattform in my life on which to trip from, since I was so confused about where I belonged in life, so that also made it a bit too edgy.

So nice to write all this down. It really feels like this trip has brought up a lot of useful material.

[Thittato]

Two showers today that both started warm and ended cold. Just did 20 min of vinyasa flow yoga. The biggest thing today has been rollerblading for the first time in almost 20 years. I had an intense period rollerblading in halfpipes, quarterpipes, jumps and rails when I was 15-16, but I was not very good compared to my friends because I had such a low self-esteem and no understanding of how skills are developed, so I was pretty afraid when I was blading around trying to do stuff. But looking back now I realize that I actually had some skills, and they were easy to bring back up again even though it was 20 years ago. Today I could drop down a quarterpipe that was as tall as myself, and it felt very safe and natural, and I could jump on some jumps I thought was quite scary before I was warming up to it again, so it has been a really awesome day and I'm looking forward to spend more time this spring doing this stuff. It is the perfect continuation to bring this back up again since I returned to snowboarding both last winter and this winter, and last fall I got into longboarding as well, so I think I was already warmed up to these creative free-flow tricksing kind of sports.

[Thittato]

One hour of running today. I ran 9,2 km. Then hot shower ended with a cold shower, as usual. I was so high on rollerblading yesterday. It is exhausting. Was watching rollerblading movies on youtube until late at night. Woke up this morning and was disgusted with the whole thing, as I usually am after those mental obsessions calm down. Been feeling vulnerable this whole day. But strangely enough I ran longer then I've ever ran. 5,3 km was the longest before this.

[Thittato]

Gosh, over and over it is that same story of some kind of skill that I have dabbled in and not taken as far as I wanted to take, and now I need to go back and really master it. Seems to repeat itself over and over. Sometimes, or many times, I've been thinking that I should find one thing and get really good at it, but then my interests just keeps on moving. For now I have just surrendered to the fact that this flow just seems to unfold beyond my control. But maybe I need to change that story that there is something I need to get good at. I think there is some kind of underlying assumption that I'm not good enough as I am, so "if only" I get good at this one thing, then I will finally be good enough. I mean, it is fine with ambitions and all that, but I seem to be operating from a place that there is something inherently wrong with where I am right now, and at some point I will reach that point where everything is polished and like it is supposed to be.

At the same time there is something so extremly satisfying when something I'm fascinated with just finally clicks and I understand it on a whole new level. And even though I change back and forth between many different skills, seems like my general level of knowledge and understanding keeps upgrading.

The whole process is a mystery.

It always comes back to some kind of paradoxical process of the dance between effort and surrender.

I'm eager to learn to let go of control even more, and to surrender more into life.

Edited April 3, 2020 by Thittato

[Thittato]

15 min meditation this evening. I was getting a cold yesterday, so I had to stay home from work. Normally I would have been going to work, but in these corona times it looks really bad going around sneezing at work. My boss called me later in the day to go through the corona protocol. I'm working day-shift on monday again, so I'll have to call a corona phone for the hospital to go through some procedure where they will advice me to go to work or continue to stay home. I'm pretty sure this is just a minor cold, but time will tell. They say the corona starts as just a mild cold, so who knows these days.  Anyways, been feeling like crap today. Feeling bad from staying home from work. Been pushing myself too much lately with that rollerblading and that running when I was low on energy, so now I got what I was asking for (if it isn't corona and this would have happened no matter what).

But there has been some good surrender and letting go in this feeling like crap as well. I'm so fed up about being hyped up about stuff. I just want to be more real and down to earth.

This energy that I have been able to cultivate from my yoga and meditation practice - it is a double-edged sword. On the one hand it is nice to have that extra level of energy and enthusiasm, but on the other hand it is difficult to keep it in balance.

But I would rather have this challenge and learn how to deal with it then having less energy, so I better just continue to work on bringing this into balance. Some more focus on surrender and letting go seems like what I need these days.

Also, I'm pretty sure that this period with jogging is over for now. I did 20 runs, and it amounted to exactly 100km, and I managed to push me through that run which was 9,2 km that I was so fascinated with, so I think my goals and the things I was fascinated with regarding this has been completed. It was fun to explore for a little while, but I really don't find it especially enjoyable or fun. It is mostly just hard work and pushing, and the whole culture around it seems to be about that. With all my other interests it requires too much to keep this focus going. I think I will rather just continue with my yoga practice as my physical exercise, and now that I'm getting into rollerblading again that will also be part of my exercise. It is nice to explore some other types of exercise just for a little while to get some inspiration and a new perspective on things, and that is what running was for me, but I don't think it is my type of exercise.

So as for now I'll sharpen up my yoga-goals again, and then I'll explore this interesting interaction between yoga and rollerblading. That is much more creative, fun and cool.

Ending my day with a few yoga poses, just to round this off and integrate and process all that I just wrote.

Edited April 4, 2020 by Thittato

[Thittato]

Meditated for 2x45 minutes today. Some stuff that I need to burn away at through meditation. I could feel the fire of purification burning in me through the last half of the last sit. A very powerful feeling, and at the same time sobering.

[Thittato]

Today I went for a walk in nature for about an hour. I walked really slow and listened to the birds and took in the surroundings. It was really beautiful. Then I went rollerblading with a buddy who brought his skateboard. This is the first time in 20 years that I'm rollerblading in a half-pipe. Oh my gosh. It was so damn fun. I can see a lot of progression already. I could easily drop into it, and then make a turn at the other side and go back and forth. I could also drop into it by doing a 180 from standing with my back against the drop. It is only a small halfpipe, but is was so FUN, FUN, FUN, and perfect practice-conditions. Now I only need to get aggressive inline skates again, so it is possible to do grinds on the copic, which I could do before, then I'm up to speed again. I only have like regular skates. Here is a picture of my buddy in the ramp. Pretty cute ramp haha

Edited April 5, 2020 by Thittato

[Thittato]

2 sessions of meditation this morning. First 45 min, then hot shower ended with a cold shower, and then another 45 min session. The cold I had is gone, so I'm back to work, and my sleep was totally messed up because I've been sleeping all day for some days now to get over this cold, so I only managed to sleep 2 hours this night, so I got out of bed earily and intensifed my meditation to build up some energy that can help carry me through the day in the absence of enough sleep.

[Thittato]

The day at work was really awesome. I had an opportunity to have a coffee-break with our psychologist and our chief doctor. Normally I'm very tight and passive when I'm together with authority figures, but today the conversation between us was flowing really well. They both became currious about me and my mindfulness-experience, and the psychologist actually wants me to help him out with co-leading or assist him in some psycho-educational groups that he is planning to have for our patients. That came pretty much out of the blue. He also said that my therapeutic competance was very high, and we had a really amazing conversation about all things therapeutic. I'm usually so shy and introverted among my co-workers, but that psychologist, especially, and also the doctor, they speak my language. They are the most interesting people, and the ones who have the most dedication and knowledge to this field, so I should start to spent more time getting to know the leaders in my job, and not just stay in my comfort-zone and hang out with the "outcast" haha...... Sometimes I'm actually more comfortable hanging out with the patients I'm working with, then with my co-workers, because they are freaks, and I'm a freak, so we can relax together. Normal people are holding each other up against such a cruel tyrany of standards. That is probably why I get such a good connection with many of the patients. I don't oppress them with my normality standards. But also, I'm getting integrated with the normal people - getting better at understanding their language - getting better at accepting them and appreciating them for who they are - getting better at revealing my true self in a dose that is not too overwhelming for them Anyways, the doctors and the psychologist are also kind of freaks. Haha. Yeah, damn, they are. They are high-status freaks. But they are longing for deep, intense, and meaningful conversations that goes straight to the core, and not all this small talk stuff all the time. So I can obviously get some good chemistry going with them based upon our shared ground of being freaks. The people who are really passionate about this field are much more interesting than those who are just trying to get by in a stressful daily life. And there is a lot of good stuff happening in this field. They are working very consistently to make us into better therapists that can make our patients feel safe so that we can reduce the amount of coercion that we have to use. Psychiatry was really bad before. Like not being sensitive at all to the patients trauma-triggers. But it is going in the right direction. I felt it was a bit too conventional and out-dated for my own understanding, having seen how so many beautiful spiritual teachers work with their students, but the change that we are looking for also has to happen within the system that we have, and not just on the fringe, and there are some good opportunities here to help out with bringing the change into the system. As my level of experience grows I'm sure I'll also get more influentional, and not just be like this wall-flower for ever. It was pretty obvious today that when I came out with my wisdom, that that was a very attractive competance. And in part I think the reason why I had this confidence and out-going energy today was because of this 1,5 hour long meditation sit I did this morning. So I'm wondering also if I have to get back into a more systematic meditation practice again. I knew this point would come. And the sign of it becoming a need again is maybe because once again I'm just creativily flowing out endlessly in all kinds of directions - like it is too much - I'm really just all over the place again these days, and I think some more meditation could help in just getting me grounded again. I'm not going to push it yet. I'm just going to lean into it and see if that is what I need. I had some really good acceptance going also with my whole tendency for this directionless creative mania. I thought like "holy schmokes, I'm like almost crazy ahhahaha..... I still think I can be this multiartistic rollerblading, guitar-playing, yoga-teacher, chess-player, tantric superlover, socialworker, author, blablablabla" It just never goes away. It is just the way I am. All these wild ambitions in all directions without any structured plan of action to back them up - that is totally fine - that is my condition - that is how it has been for as long as I can remember - just chill with it - just relax - just surrender into it - it is fine - no need to worry - add some humour to it - see the charm in who you are - you are taken care of - you are in a job where you are valued - it will work out - just be kind to yourself - have some patience - have some compassion for yourself - don't be so hard on yourself all the time - just let loose. Breathe.

All this resistance that I'm getting. It is what I need for my grounding. I can so easily take off, so a little bit of boredom and dull everyday life, it is just perfect. No need to fear it. No need to think that things doesn't develop quickly enough.

And then after work I went out rollerblading for 2,5 hour in the halfpipe again with one of my best friends. If I ever feel that there is not enough awesomeness in my life - well, that was a potential problem that was possible before I rediscovered rollerblading. Today was the 6th session of rollerblading since I just started up again. I learned more today then I learned in all the previous 5 sessions combined. It just said click in so many ways today. This rollerblading-thing. Wow. It is such a goldmine of endless creativity, passion and fun. I'm just immersing myself totally in the skating-culture these days - discussing it with my friends, reading about it, seeing documentaries and everything there is to see about it. I wrote earlier here that even my youngest brother who is only 17, he is going to a professional athlete freeski school aiming to raise professionals. So he is totally into extreme sports, or action sports, as they are also called. So my mother and my stepfather are supporting him and cheering him on, going to all the different competitions he competes in, etc, so they are also totally into this "skate culture" so actually my whole family is sucked into this, and me and my brother are actually going to go and skate together one of these days, which will also be something that we can build a stronger bond around. I want to help him. He is soooo talented. But he also puts waaaaay to high standards on himself. Maybe there is something I can give to him as an older brother with more life-experience. Some kind of way of helping him realize he has to let his passion and his joy be his guiding star in this, and not to measure himself up against others so much.

My friend took this picture of me today. I though it was pretty cool. Standing on the edge, ready to make a leap into the unknown. And the paradox between such a tall guy as myself, and such a cute little halfpipe. But it looks so serious, still. And I love that paradox.

Edited April 7, 2020 by Thittato

[Thittato]

20 min vinyasa flow yoga today, and then I went for a little rollerblading-session up at the half-pipe. Far from as intense as yesterday. I didn't have much to give today, but I still had some minor improvements in my technique. I was pretty manic yesterday hahha..... Sleep deprivation, 1,5 hours of meditation, coffee (I'm trying to quit coffee and had been without for 4-5 days, but took a cup at work which kicked in really strongly). I also wonder if the LSD-session I had almost 2 weeks ago has been kicking up a lot of creativity in my mind. I certainly have had a lot of processes going after that session. Feels like I've been all over the place. Interesting I had such an urge for doing psychedelics before that, but now that hunger is satisfied and doesn't feel like I want to do it in a long time again. I guess it has its natural cycles. I was supposed to go on an ayahyasca ceremony approximately two weeks ago, but then our shaman couldn't get into the country because of the resctrictions caused by the corono-virus, so I had to make my own ceremony instead. I guess I managed to get what I was hoping for with this alternative ceremony. I'm very satisfied with what I got out of it. At the same time it also feels like I should continue to be careful with psychedelics because of all the intense energy they stirr up. I'll have to be careful just so that I can continue to keep a steady focus on my daily life, and not start to fly too high again too often. Today was the 7th session of rollerblading. It was the first time I could feel the energy declining in a session. So far it has only been going up, up, up until the climax which was yesterday. Pretty cool that I had this sport-arena where I could express all that energy that I got out of the LSD-session. I think it is very important to find a way to express oneself creatively after a psychedelic session, or to at least find some sort of  way to channel out the inspiration that one gets from it. I feel this happened very sucessfully this time.

[Thittato]

Slept really late today, which is fine since I'm working night-shifts this coming weeking. When I got up I first did 20 min of vinyasa flow yoga, then I did a hot shower ended with a cold shower, and then I went for a chill paced walk that lasted for 3,5 hour. Felt like a really meditative walk. Been feeling really exhausted yesterday, and today when I woke up, but in a good way. Kind of like I have expressed myself as totally as I possibly could for these last two weeks since that LSD-trip, both, mentally, emotionally and physically, so that it was just good to feel that there was nothing further needed to express, and that I could just walk around for a really long time in a chill pace and just take in the surroundings and look at the moon. Here is a picture of the moon shining through the clouds as seen from walking by the river right next to where I live.

[Thittato]

45 min meditation today.

Yesterday I was going through my journal to get an overview over all the psychedelic trips I've done since I started journaling here, both in this journal and in the first journal I had.

Here are all the trips in a list:

1. Ayahuasca ceremony:
- strong dose of Ayahuasca 29th of September 2018
- strong dose of Ayahuasca 30th of September 2018
2. strong dose of Peyote 31th of October 2018
3. microdosing on LSD 31th of December 2018
4. microdosing on Mushrooms 16th of Januar 2019
5. microdosing on Peyote 26th of March 2019
6. microdosing on Mushrooms 3rd of May 2019
7. medium dose of Mushrooms 31th of December 2019
8. strong dose of LSD 26th of March 2020

This first Ayahuasca ceremony here is what triggered this need to start journaling. Before this I hadn't tripped on psychedelics since the end of August 2015. I felt my tripping had become a problem and that I needed some serious distance from it to process it all.

Now it seems to have gotten much more into balance. This list is approximately one trip every 2,5 month, and it feels like I'm taking the right time to process and integrate it in between each trip.

[Thittato]

Sat for another session of 45 min today. Wasn't really satisfied with the first session. Some kind of slippery resistance going on towards something. This session I felt much closer to "becoming one" with what was going on, but there was still some kind of subtle resistance going on. Maybe I've given it the push it needs to resolve by itself, or maybe I need to work on it for some more sessions.

[Thittato]

45 min meditation today. The slipperiness mentioned yesterday was less dominant today, and it was easier to go beyond the resistance into the feelings. The feelings all had a subtle quality - boredom, greyness, sadness, dullness, etc, and the sublety of them could have easily made me mistake them for peace and quitness (because there was some of that as well), but then I would have been back in the slipperiness because that would have been resisting the pain in them and trying to make my meditation into something it was quite not. Sort of emulating peace, instead of actually experiencing it. However, halfway through the sit the pain in these feelings had been processed to the extent that this landscape all started to transform in flow, peace, quietness and well-being.

[Thittato]

45 min meditation today. Good flow. Feels like a lot of stuff gets processed just by sitting down and going into the resistance and acknowledging what is there. Didn't feel like todays meditation was especially powerful or anything. I was kind of surprised it wasn't more powerful because the momentum when I started was very strong, but now that is over I feel calmness and clearity and it feels like mye experience has been revitalized. I guess I'm still just settling into this whole Social Distancing thing. I still feel a lot of frustrations regarding the fact that the world is not how it used to be, and I'm using meditation to process all this stuff and just settle into it. While I was using more coarse forms of expressing all the restless energy this has caused (and all the restless energy in general that I carry around), now is the time to just sit down in silence and just feel into it.

[Thittato]

45 min sit today as well. Life felt really horrible and dry before and during this sit. Like everything that is fun about life is now over and gone because of this pandemic situation. Went deep into these feelings, and now I feel revitalized and happy. Pretty amazing this emotional transformation that can happen during 45 min.