My meditation journal

[Thittato]

45 min meditation today. Momentum is getting strong again. This is the deepest I’ve gone into stillness for this period. Deeply needed for my over-active mind ?

[Thittato]

Sat another 45 min today because I couldn’t sleep because my sleep-rythm is messed up from working night-shifts this weekend. Feels good to be back in this focus. I seriously need to bring my meditation-practice deeper again, and the way to do it is to commit to one approach. I’ve brought my meditation deep before, and then I’ve needed other approaches, like psychotherapy and yoga, to balance out where I was at, but now it is time to bring my mind deeper into the meditative territory again.

[Thittato]

45 min sit the day before yesterday, no sitting yesterday, and 45 min sitting today. The territory has felt a bit more murky these days. I still accidentaly stumble into some of the absorption-states that I sometimes have access to, but there is more murkiness mixed into them. There is especially one absorption-state that I have gotten more currious about lately, and that is simply to take the sensation of «space» as the focal-point and absorb into it.

[Thittato]

30 min meditation today early morning before going to work. The best sit ever in a really long time. This day has been simply too awesome. Didn’t help that my job had a christmas party this evening. Fortunately I managed to limit myself to only 5 beers and now I’m back in bed ready to get up early to work day-shift again. Perhaps it is too optimistic to believe I will be able to do my meditation before going to work again tomorrow, but if I manage that will simply be one hell of a victory. Ok, I aim to make that happen. My day will be 5 times better if I manage to shake off tonights party that way. I have 5 hours to sleep and that should be plenty. Namaste ?????

And by the way I was in love with at least 4 of my co-workers tonight. Holy schmokes. Maybe I should go back to pick-up so that I will actually have the guts to speak with any of them. I’m so damn sensitive. It could have been so easy, but maybe not when my emotions are as strong as they are. My buddy who has the most impressive skills with women that I know of probably have those skills because he have the guts to stand in those strong feelings when they arrise so that the tension of attraction gets really intense and he shows he is comfortable in that territory. It often feels like the attraction I experience is mutual, but it usually only happens from distance because it is too intense for me to go into it, but if only I could learn to relax with that sort of tension. That would have been something. Well, I guess I would have been married already if that was the case. It is not like I’m looking to get laid a lot. I want to settle down with the right one. And maybe the right one makes me feel safe as well? ? Ok, I better just continue to meditate and I think this will sort itself out by itself somehow ??

Edited December 14, 2019 by Thittato

[Thittato]

Hurrah! I managed to get up in time to meditate for 45 min before work. Gosh, my meditation has really powered up lately. Lots of powerful positive energy going on. Feels like I penetrate very efficiently many different layers of obstructive karma. It feels like if I just continue with this everything will somehow be taken care of. Lots of trust in this process. This goes way deeper than physical yoga, even though physical yoga can also have some serious elements of spiritual devotion in it.

[Thittato]

45 min sit today. My meditation continues to deepen. Some cycles of resistance every now and then, but they are just a natural part of the process. Feels like I’ve really taken on the attitude of following a training now. Even though I’ve meditated for a long time I was still a slave to the good meditations VS. bad meditations mentality. My practice has been very dominated with a «all or nothing» attitude, but I think that is getting more into balance now.

[Thittato]

45 min sit this morning as well. It continues to deepen. I was in such a rush to get somewhere with my meditation before, now it feels like I have all the time in the world.

[Thittato]

45 min sit this morning. Softness and gentleness filling up my whole being. I think this stuff is actually starting to work. Well, it did work before, I was just so damn bipolar about it. Obsessive is probably the right word. Obsessive about results, obsessive about getting somewhere. At some point this time I decided it doesn’t really matter whether I have a good or bad meditation. Interesting how simple and at the same time extremly profound the teachings on letting go are. I think the whole teachings of the Buddha can be summerized as simply learning to let go of clinging.

[Thittato]

45 min sit this morning. More distracted today. Even though there is some good energy flow and softness going on, my mind doesn’t quite absorb into it, but continue to search around without landing. Noticing old tendencies to get frustrated with myself when it doesn’t go as planned, but reminding myself to ease into the experience no matter what it is. Feeling faith and confidence because I’m including also this into the training. Feeling inspired because the fake dichotomy between good and bad meditation is getting integrated. Feels like the skills I use to deal with distraction are also useful. Also, I’m going to sit for 15 min more just to see if these reflections has any effect on making my mind land, or if I will just have to accept that this session is one of the distracted ones. Instead of getting caught up in expectations, I will rather approach these 15 mins with curriosity, as a scientist observing the movements of my mind.

[Thittato]

15 more minutes done. Yeah, those reflections improved my focus a lot! Now I feel like a meditative rockstar again! Haha... That feeling is very addictive, so I can easily understand why one starts to beat oneself up so heavily when one doesn’t get ones meditative kick. Sometimes seems like just a matter of discipline, so one starts to tell oneself «focus, god damn it!» But the mind is tricky. The discipline needs to come with a lot of acceptance, kindness, humbleness, and understanding of all the various cycles that the mind go through.

Edited December 18, 2019 by Thittato

[Thittato]

Sat for 30 more minutes. My mind was going into stillness and gentleness. Feels very restful. I love it when that energy that builds up, which is temporarily hi-jacked by the «meditative rockstar» identity, starts to smoothen into stillness and ease.

Edited December 18, 2019 by Thittato

[allislove]

45-15-30 wow 

[Thittato]

On 18.12.2019 at 10:38 AM, dimitri said:

45-15-30 wow 

Dimitri ❤️??

Awesome Rumi-quote you have by the way!!

[Thittato]

30 min meditation before work, and 15 min when I came home from work.

Awesome day at work.

Unfortunately I’ve stacked up my social program for this evening too much. When I get that really positive flow going I tend to reach over too much.

But that is what it is. Just documenting it for the sake of my meditative statistics.

Playing Chess, first with one friend, then later some more are coming to play with us, then I’m going to the Cinema with my brother who is going through some trouble related to our dad that he wanted to talk to me about.

I should have rather taken a nap after work, then spent some quality time with my brother, instead if squeezing in all this Chess in-between.

That is actually a very consistet problem that I got. Whenever my meditation is gaining momentum my charisma is increasing and more people are attracted to me and want to spend time with me and I also reach out much more because of this positive energy and self-esteem.

Got to learn to contain it in a sustainable way.

[Thittato]

45 min meditation today. Stillness, presence, gentleness and gratitude. Really glad I wrote what I wrote yesterday. The solution is simple. Whenever I gain momentum in my meditation practice, the energy in my system is increased. This can get a manic flavor to it. But if I continue beyond this manic buzz and get to the stillness behind it, then my energy gets much more balanced and grounded. This manic buzz has before lead to narcissism and mental masturbation about how great I am, but even though there is a high and a kick in it, there is also much restlessness and not feeling good enough just as I am, so I’m determined to work myself through this energy again and again until it gets balanced. Today it was balanced from the very start. Feels much better to get into gentleness and humbleness.

[Thittato]

Sat for another 45 min today. Got even deeper into stillness, gentleness and presence. The state I was in was getting very beautiful, and it was just getting deeper and deeper. Feels like I’m still in it as I write this stuff. All the stress was just melting away into softness. The only stress that is left is a little bit of this wow-factor, and when I let even that melt away the stillness will probably gets really profound. Trying to let that melt away as I write this. Just letting myself sink into these words that I type without anything else going on. So simple. It almost happens by itself. Like these words are typing themselves. Haha. Smile. Joy. Softness. Faith. Surrender. Love.

[Thittato]

45 min sitting today. Many of the same qualities as yesterday, but it didn’t quite catch fire the way it did yesterday, so I feel a bit disappointed in one way, but it is also very interesting to surrender into this disappointment, and there is something very grounding about it.  So whereas before I would have craved to get back what I had yesterday, and felt like a failure for not, it is a huge success to see that my attitude is getting much more mature. I’m working on creating a stable platform for this deepening to happen, and finally I’m getting process-oriented, instead of result-oriented.

I guess ultimately meditation is this freedom to let go of any craving for the present moment to be anything else than what it is - total surrender into what is.

But it is really interesting that I have to learn how to navigate these addictive mind-states as part of that process.

They come as a by-product of learning to let go, but experiencing them can trigger some really painful patterns of clinging, which I guess is a really potent opportunity of studying the minds tendencies of exactly this tendency.

As the mind learns to rest in itself it will naturally starts to gather and focus all this energy that is usually wasted on chasing something outside of itself, and this energy then turns into bliss, well-being and healing.

[Thittato]

45 min sitting today. Strong focus. Did a check-in at the beginning of the sit to explore what kind of attitude I was approaching this with, and tried to just really relax into it, seeing if I could let go of any clinging for results and also that restless «just going through the motions» wanting to just be finished with it attitude. Meditation really is quality-time with myself, so I better invest myself fully, not letting unconscious attitudes sabotage the process.

Edited December 22, 2019 by Thittato

[Thittato]

One year anniversary for this journal.

45 min sitting today. Strong focus and good flow. This journaling has been a success. Feels like it is all coming together now regarding my meditation-practice. My main goal is just to land - to land in myself.

Today I could really investigate why the good flow I was investigating didn’t turn into something I have previously only experienced in brief periods as «full circulation» in my energetic system where it feels like everything is exactly just right, and nothing is out of allignment. I’m going to inquire more into it. What I found today was some kind of blockage around my third eye chakra. Something didn’t quite flow there. I’m going to inquire more into that tension to see if I can make it dissolve. As always, the method for making it dissolve is by totally owning and accepting it - almost shifting the identity from the tension being something unwanted outside of me that is happening to me, to actually totally becoming the tension, really questioning the interplay between the observer and what is observed.

[Thittato]

45 min meditation today. This is really working. I feel that I’m using this journal to filtrate all the stress and desperation out of my meditation practice so that I can simply just go with the program.