My meditation journal

[Thittato]

45 min meditation yesterday, and 45 min today. Yesterday was very peaceful and I went deep into a samadhi state. Today there was much more suffering in my system, so I had to work with that through-out the whole session, but at the end it felt like it had been transformed and now I feel really good again. Very interesting with this transformation. My life can look really dark and hopeless before I sit down to do this tranformation-work, and afterwards I feel empowered and filled up with positive energy again 

[Thittato]

45 min meditation this morning. Good circulation, brightness in my mind, and inspiring feelings. My mind was active and didn’t quite settle down. I had a longing for going into samadhi states, and it felt close, but still the mind was a bit too active, so I had to make it work on the meditation technique instead -especially looking closer at the restlessness in wanting something to be different from what it is. This is a tricky landscape because it feels like the meditation goes really well, but there is a subtle slipperiness here preventing the mind from gaining its full power and focus. Next time this state appears I will have to look really closely at this subtle slipperiness to see if I can penetrate it. There is a subtle feeling and disapointment of not having cycled through all the way to release, but this might come later in the day as things have now been put into motion and I continue to work with this tension I’m now feeling.

[Thittato]

45 min meditation this morning. Very interesting. Something I had some subtle resistance towards through the whole session led to «slippery mind,» then suddenly what I was resisting was fully acknowledged, and then my mind became very centered and clear, and now I feel released. Sometimes I think this is the whole meditation. Just the process of fully acknowledging whatever one is resisting.

[Thittato]

45 min today. The same pattern of resistance and then surrender, except today I wasn't all that interested in the process as a total, so there was an extra layer of restlessness and boredom there. So perhaps I managed to get through some of my resistance, but then there was another layer that I didn't get through. It was like I was getting back into my power again, but with another layer of more subtle boredom and restlessness that I didn't manage to see through, so my experience of "getting back into my power" was sort of halfway, but I managed to delude myself into thinking I had worked through a complete cycle. Interesting reflecting on this afterwards like I do now so I can see more clearly what is going on. Still I think that something is processed and put into motion just by sitting down and doing this work, and especially by reflecting on it afterwards, so perhaps this full release will come later in the day as I go about doing my things. There is something about just being very very honest about exactly what is going on.

[Thittato]

75 min Hot Flow yoga class this evening. It has already been a month since last time I did yoga. Crazy how quickly time flies. Anyways, this evening was a good opportunity to check in with yoga again. Feels so amazing afterwards.

[Thittato]

20 min yoga guided from youtube this morning. My favorite short-program. Feels good.

[Thittato]

20 min yoga guided from youtube this morning. Feels awesome again. Interesting to see how weak and fragile I felt after only one month without physical exercise. Ok, I was having a pretty heavy cold for at least 2 of those weaks, and there was quite some stress and heavy emotional processes around getting my art-studio established, but now that that has been established, and together with my pretty demanding job in a psychiatric hospital, I feel that I really need a solid exercise routine in order to stay on top of things.

[Thittato]

Coming home from working night-shift, and was so inspired by yoga I just had to do a 25 min yin yoga program guided from youtube before going to bed. This is the 4th session I do after this one month long pause from yoga, and now my body is starting to feel powerful again, and this yearning to be more physical is back. Interesting how it suddenly seemed so far away, and then it was pretty quick to warm up to this physical yearning again. Well, I guess it was nice with a pause just to see the contrast. Now even simple poses that I took for granted, like for instance downward facing dog, seems pretty profound.

[Thittato]

20 min vinyasa flow yoga guided from youtube when I woke up. Interesting how all the simple poses seems so much more profound now. Feels like there is no rush at all to get into more fancy types of poses. Basically I just want a combined exercise routine and an awareness practice in one, and what I get from it right now is exactly what I seek. Here is a picture from my new art-studio by the way. It feels like the frustrations around this art making process is about to go down. I used to live with all these drawings around me on my walls in my appartment, and it was waaaay to intense not getting any break from them always being in the process of evaluating my own esthetical expressions, but now it is really nice to have a separate room somewhere else dedicated to this process. I really like being there.

[Thittato]

No yoga or meditation yesterday, or today, but I’ve been working a lot in my studio. I think my relationship towards creative expression is starting to get healed. Basically I think my frustrations around this has been a result of holding myself back too much for too long, and the solution is just to work on, let go of self-critical thoughts, and put way more fire into this and not care too much about the results. The results will come simply by staying in the process a lot. Here is todays drawing.

Edited October 8, 2019 by Thittato

[Thittato]

This is how my drawing turned out. It is 70x50 centimeters. I was putting 8 hours of work straight into this. Felt so good. I was blissed out for the rest of the day when I got home, just lying on my sofa listening to music. If I hadn’t had a separate place to work with this I would have been obsessing about this process back home to the point where I had gotten really sick of it. 

This process before has always been so driven by emotions. First I’m inspired and totally obsessed by it, but that quickly turns into disgust because I take the obsession way too far, and then the whole cycle of love and hate becomes too much so I just try to stay away from it, but soon enough I’m pulled back in. It is 10 years since I started trying to make art-works. Before that I was always sketching, but until that point 10 years ago it never occured to me that I had to try to make finished products. But because this process has been driven so much by some kind of love and hate dynamic, I think the process as a whole has been like driving with the hand-brake on. So I’m really curious to discover what the real potential is here. And the clue I think to figure that out is simply by grinding. It is not meant to be something that is just fun and pleasant all the time. It is basically just work like any other type of work. But work can be really meaningful and fulfilling with the right attitude. So back to the grindstone :-)

Edited October 10, 2019 by Thittato

[Thittato]

New sober-period starts right now.

Ok, fuck it. Things are going really well with establishing this studio, and what typically happen then? Of course I start to get very social again and that of course leads to a lot of partying, so now I smoke cigarettes almost daily again, and I certainly drink almost close to daily. It hasn’t spiraled out of control, actually far from it, but there is manic buzz and new self-esteem on the rising that I have to take preventive action against so that something that is possibly very good will not turn into destruction, so I was speaking to a friend tonight about doing a white month soon, and we decided November was going to be a white month, but actually I don’t want to wait for that long, I need a break right now, so my white month starts when I wake up tomorrow, and it will last until November is over. Yeah, fuck it, that is totally what happens. What better way to celebrate this good flow I’m in!? No cigarettes, no drugs, and no alcohol until November is over. Decision is made. Hurrah ?????

Perhaps instead of wasting my money on partying I could instead spend some money on some really good coaching that could help me get my art-buisiness going? ?

Edited October 14, 2019 by Thittato

[Thittato]

Did a double yoga class today. First 75 min Iyengar Yoga, and then 60 min Restorative Yoga. Wow, it has already been 10 days since last time I did yoga. But sober-period is going well. I hadn’t gotten addicted to the cigarettes yet, so there hasn’t been any withdrawal symptoms. But I really need this detox period. Been drinking too much this summer, even though I’ve been on this yoga-kick. But the worst addiction I’m removing tomorrow, and that one is surely the worst for me and that is coffee. Wouldn’t have been any problem if it wasn’t for the fact that my stomach can’t handle it, so it is crazy that I continue to drink it. Fortunately I’m down into only one cup per day now, but I know it is still going to be a hard one because I feel so boring and uncreative without the mental boost that it gives me, but yeah, from tomorrow on it is bye, bye coffee, until November is over.

Yeah, desperately need this detox period now.

[Thittato]

20 min yoga guided from youtube this morning. Yeeeey, I’m holding on to my yoga-practice, even though there has been some lapses lately. This is first day without coffee as part of this 1,5 month detox period. Fortunately I was down into only one cup per day for a while now, so I don’t think this will be so difficult, it feels more like something I really need. 

[Thittato]

Felt inspired to do a second round of yoga for today, so this evening I did a 25 min yin-yoga session. Earlier today it felt pretty bad going without coffee. Everything felt really dry and boring, and I felt depressed, but at some point this evening the dryness sort of turned into a feeling of rawness. There was something raw within the feeling of dryness, and the more I focused in on that the more pleasurable it started to feel and gradually I’ve been feeling more and more fresh. Seems like coffee has been really putting a huge lid on top of my sense of freshness. Instead of feeling fresh and vital, coffee comes in as a huge bulldozer through the system, just bulldozing it all down and exchanging it with some kind of stressed and fake manic energy. My skin already feels much softer (probably comes from also quitting alcohol and cigarettes a few days ago before quitting coffee), and my digestion seems to work smoother again already. This is totally what my yoga-practice needs. Ironic I could use so many unhealthy stimulants and keep my practice going at the same time. Right now it feels like I’ve been driving around with the hand-brake on in my yoga. Very glad this detox-period already feels like something very inspiring, and not just some neurotic and oppressive type of renunciation.

[Thittato]

75 min Hot slowflow yoga class on friday, and today I did a 90 min Iyengar yoga class. Felt awesome. Almost like I want to get rid of this art-studio, and just go back to pursuing yoga as I did this summer. Now I'm thinking perhaps that I'll rent my space through-out November, and then I move out of it. Our exhibition is going to be on 1st of November, and the facebook-event was launched on friday. We were getting good responses, and seems like a decent group of people will come. It was pretty challenging emotionally to get it out there, but now it feels like the worst part is over. Everything else will just be like hosting a regular part just with some art thrown into the mix. Anyways, I'm thinking that perhaps after this is done I have gotten what I needed out of it. It was like a huge cramp of some sorts that I had to get some sorts of outlet for, and probably I will always continue to draw, and this period will be one of several intensifications I've had regarding that that I've learned a lot from. But I've taken a lot of time off from my job during this, which was good, and my yoga-practice has suffered, but now I miss being at my job more and being more serious about my yoga-practice again, so perhaps it was just exactly what I needed and that after the end of November I'll just go back to doing my drawings back home in my appartment. 

This is so far the drawing I’m the most satisfied with during this process.

Edited October 21, 2019 by Thittato

[Thittato]

Also did a 90 min Heated Dharma yoga class yesterday, and now I just came home from a 75 min Restorative yoga class. Glad to be back in the yoga-spirit. It is probably because of the detox.

[Thittato]

75 min yin yoga class this evening. Gosh, I’m really getting my yoga-kick back, and now this detox feels like it is going really well. Yesterday was really harsh, I think I went through some pretty heavy coffee withdrawal symptoms where it didn’t seem like there would be possible at all to have any enthusiasm what-so-ever for my life or my art without coffee, but today I have felt like my old enthusiastic self again even without the coffee. I’m starting to fantasize about perhaps going straight-edge permanently. What else do I need? I have my yoga practice, and I have all my creative endeavours, and I have nature, and friends. Like what  do I really need those intoxicants for? I’m always prone to start drinking too much at some point anyways, and then I start to smoke cigarettes while I drink, and suddenly cigarettes have sneaked back into my daily life once again. I’m sure all this partying I’ve done this summer has been like doing my yoga with the hand-brake on, so now I’m really enthusistic about how my practice will deepen without the intoxicants. Being sober, I’m sure, is really easy with the support I get from yoga. As I managed to survive yesterday, anything is now possible <3 ;-D

Edited October 23, 2019 by Thittato

[Thittato]

Yesterday I started the day with 20 min yoga guided from youtube, and then in the evening I went to a 75 min Hot Flow yoga class. No yoga today. My stomach feels waaaaaaay better because of quitting coffee. That brew is simply not compatible with my body anymore. I’m at my job now working night-shift. Awesome how having a normal job gives me inspiration and lots of new ideas for my art. When I sit too much with it alone I kind of easily forget why I do it and it can easily start to seem like some kind of meaningless and stupid activity, but when I’m out in society participating in normal activities, like a normal job, I get inspired to go back to my studio and create stuff. Don’t know why that is so, but maybe it is because a normal job pulls me out of my own head and that is very necessary for someone like me. Also the companionship with my co-workers is pretty nice. A job fills me up much more than I knew before. Probably therapy has reduced my level of stess enough for me to actually enjoy work-life.

Edited October 26, 2019 by Thittato

[Thittato]

30 day sitting meditation while working night-shift. Pretty chill. I’m starting to feel more and more integrated as a person. Less and less alienation regarding what is normal, at the same time that I’m taking care of my spiritual needs. I have even started to get seriously interested in football (soccer) hahha..... I guess I just want to be totally open towards everything that life has to offer, from the most mundane stuff to the most spiritual stuff. Gratitude.

Edited October 27, 2019 by Thittato