My meditation journal

[Thittato]

45 min meditation today as well. I think maybe I'm starting to burn through that layer of "resistance and emotional pain" that has been present lately. At least there is more a feeling of empowerment regarding it, and less victimhood, which is very nice.

[Thittato]

1,5 hour meditation this morning. Very nice. I just arrived at an ashram where I'm going to spend some time, and it is very peaceful here, so it was super-nice to land with this morning-meditation.

[Thittato]

Back home after a 3-month ashram stay in Brazil

Started the day with 45 min of meditation. I arrived yesterday, and immediately signed up for a month a the local spa-bath where they have sauanas and cold-baths again. I'm in northern europe so it is winter here and I'm going to get back into the routine of winter-bathing as soon as I have acclimatized. I also met a woman early in my stay in Brazil, and she became my girlfriend, and supposedly she is going to come to visit me already this weekend, but I'm sensing she is having some doubts because she doesn't confirm yet that she has bought the ticked she has said many times that she is buying. I think the relationship could potentially easily break down now that we are no longer in the same place, but I'm going to do my best to keep her as I'm navigating this transition, and if we could make it so that she comes for 3 weeks as planned that would be really awesome, but if not, I'm going to do my best to navigate this transition with as much wisdom as I can.

Unfortunately I'm going back to my job already this evening, but I have my routines for plugging back into life here in my hometown. Already I have:

- Been back to cold-exposure in the spa-bath.

- 45 min of meditation.

- Re-established my guitar-studies.

[Thittato]

Ok, my two first shifts completed in my job, and now I'm having 5 days off. My girlfriend is arriving on Sunday evening, so it will be nice to have some days off while I'm welcoming her and preparing my appartment for her stay. Also I'm happy with the way I've been sticking with my guitar-routine after I came home. Things are growing. I like the winter back home, so that is not a problem to acclimate to. Actually Brazil started to feel a bit too hot for my taste. So it is really nice to cool down here with winter. My girlfriend bought her ticket when she said she was going to, she just didn't send me any confirmation, so I'm glad I was able to just relax into the uncertainty I was feeling about us making this transition without creating any situation with her. In general it is really awesome to be back home - especially now that she is also coming. It is really good to be back to my life. So there will be a lot of processing to do to land this whole journey, but as long as I do all the things I need to ground myself back into my home-town life, I think things will be fine.

[Thittato]

45 min meditation today. Very nice <3

[Thittato]

45 min meditation today. My girlfriend has been here for 2 weeks now and it is really nice, but I find it hard to keep my meditation and guitar-practice going while she is here. Fortunately she is interested in ice-bathing, so we have done some ice-bathing, sauna and cold-baths together, both outdoors and in the local spa, and that is sort of my meditation practice these days. This weekend I'm working night-shift the whole weekend, so she decided to do some tourist-explorations on her own, and went to the capital of my country for the weekend. And oh my gosh, it was so nice with some alone-time now, and some time to meditate. But I'm also really proud of her that she is this independent. She is also into music, so we does some playing together, and that is really nice, but all this doesn't really compensate for how my meditation and guitar-practice suffers when I'm with her. It is totally my own responsibility, but it is just really hard to choose discipline when she is so fun to be around. But I'm trusting that this will balance itself out over time, and relationship-practice, and being aware of the potential triggers that are arrising in our interactions, is a really good practice for me right now I think, and fortunately it seems like we are both two pretty stable persons, so the tensions in our relationship doesn't lead to too much drama, like it used to be with my ex-girlfriend when we were both unstable. Anyways, my girlfriend will return home to Brazil friday in one week, and my job-schedule made it possible for me to join her in travelling to Brazil for 12 days, so that will be super-nice. We are even on the same airplane.

Edited March 2 by Thittato

[Thittato]

45 min meditation today. It was awesome <3

[Thittato]

45 min meditation today. Super-nice. Awesome.

So I'm back home in my country in Northern Europe again. To summerize: I just spent 3 months in an ashram in Brazil where I met a woman who became my girlfriend. After I returned home after 1 week she came and visited me for 3 weeks, and the day she was scheduled to return to Brazil I managed to fly back together with her for 12 days. And yesterday I came back home again. We managed to end on a really good note. She drove me to the airplane and we had a really good time together before I left, but we made noe specific plans about meeting again, although we have all sorts of loose ideas about where our future could potentially go. I think that we both think that this relationship has been pretty intense, and that now it is time to give it some space before we decide on what to do next. For the most part we have a really good time together. This woman is really fun and interesting, and we both laugh a lot together and we also have a lot of really interesting intellectual conversations, and it is really fun to travel together with her and explore new places and having a tourist-experience together. This time that I went with her to Brazil we drove to Rio de Janeiro and spent 5 days together there. That was a big chapter in itself. Oh my god what an interesting and crazy experience. But anyways, under all this fun that we have together there are some tensions that doesn't go away, that sometimes leads to some triggering episodes between us. And I don't really see that we have made much progress in learning how to deal with these episodes. So now that I'm back home again I have the space to reflect and meditate on these triggers to see if I can understand our situation better. Maybe this was only meant to be a short-term relationship and that we had a really good time together for these months. I think for me to feel the motivation to continue this relationship I will have to find some more meaning in it now in terms of seeing some real growth between us in how we handle these triggers. But whatever this experience was meant to be, short-term or long-term, right now I feel really good about, and I'm sure there is a lot of really good lessons to derive from it, and now I have the space for that.

[Thittato]

45 min meditation today as well. Really nice <3

[Thittato]

45 min meditation today as well. Very nice :-)

[Thittato]

45 min meditation today. Super-nice. My meditation practice is not very consistent these days, but it is really valuable when I actually do it.

[Thittato]

45 min meditation today as well. Very nice.

[Thittato]

45 min meditation today as well. Very nice :-)

[Thittato]

45 min meditation today as well. Super-nice :-)

Feels like I'm starting to land a bit more from my travels in Brazil. Not sure what is going to happen with my girlfriend. Feels like we are close to breaking up. Also feels like I'm open to all possibilities and I just want to ride it out and see where it lands without trying to control the process. To me it feels like it is good that whatever co-dependence we have been going into gets some space so that we perhaps can clear out some of the tensions we have been collecting, and somehow enter a new phase in our relationship. It is good to seperate us so that can we feel more into what sort of perhaps unhealthy patterns of clinging and attachment has been gluing us together. It felt like we both temporarily lost track of our missions in life, and maybe now we can learn to both be with each other and at the same time staying focused on our seperate missions. But I have my doubts that she will manage. I'm feeling that she is getting very insecure and frustrated because of this. Or maybe I'm just projecting my own frustrations and insecurities over at her? At the very least there is a very strange energy between us these days, and as I said it feels like we are close to breaking up. But at the same time I feel very happy about being much more focused on my own projects again. So I think my old tendency of losing myself into someone else is not as strong as it used to be. In many ways it is a relief to get some space away from her to return back to myself again.

[Thittato]

45 min meditation today as well. Really sweet. There wasn't much to process today, so I could go deeper into concentration and calm.

[Thittato]

1 hour meditation today. I came home from work pretty tired and was afraid I would fall asleep this meditation, but instead I got energized. Very nice.

[Thittato]

45 min meditation today as well. Really sweet.

[Thittato]

45 min meditation yesterday, and 1 hour today. Pretty amazing.

[Thittato]

45 min meditation today as well. The momentum is building, and it is very nice. It is very clear that a lot of stuff has been released from my system during these 3 months in the ashram in Brazil. I've been somewhat distracted by the relationship-issues I've experienced with my girlfriend, and she was part of this whole experience, so it is kind of difficult to sort out what is what, but it seems like our relationship is moving towards its end, and I feel fine about just surrendering into that. I think we are both landing on some realisations that we are inherently incompatible as long-term partners, so I hope we can just round this off gradually and cherish it for what it was. So with this acceptence in mind, and my mind sort of clearing up from these involvements in another person, it seems like my meditation has benefited greatly from these 3 months in the ashram. So I hope I can just ride out whatever residual karma that I still have with her as smoothly as possible.

[Thittato]

45 min meditation today as well. Very nice flow in my meditation these days.