My meditation journal

[Thittato]

45 min meditation today as well. Very nice :-)

[Thittato]

45 min meditation today. Very nice. No meditation yesterday.

[Thittato]

45 min meditation today as well. Super-nice :-)

[Thittato]

30 min yoga today. Been ill for the weekend, and until today. Some combination of a cold and the flu. Been lying in bed for most of the time, totally exhausted. I was probably exhausted before this cold. In fact it seems like I never fully recovered from the cold I had a few weeks ago. So it was lying there under everything cooking up something more. And it probably merged with the exhaustion, becoming one thing, that needed some serious down-time. A lot of painful therapeutic material boiled up to the surface as well. But when I'm ill like this I usually take it as an opportunity to totally crash, and just let my whole being collapse into my bed, and stay there, and enjoy this down-time as much as possible. And now that I'm well again, it feels like I've had some deep and cleansing rest. Pretty interesting experience - to try to really surrender into the cold and all the ways it manifests. The cold almost becomes like a long session of yin yoga that way.

[Thittato]

45 min meditation today. Very nice :-)

[Thittato]

45 min meditation today, and 45 min yesterday. Something is much more grounded about my meditation these days. I don't feel like elaborating, but maybe I will dive a bit more into it in a few days.

[Thittato]

45 min meditation today as well. Very nice.

So I started up therapy again after I came home from Brazil, and this really nice thing seems to have happened. I've been having some sort of chronic identity-crisis going for as long as I can remember, and I always seems to be having some kind of "identity forming" project going on. Like wanting to become an artist, or a guitarist, or some kind of thing which I am not yet. And with my ADHD, or whatever it is I have, I launch into this with an intense hyper-focus. Actually for a long time now I've been able to keep up my guitar-practice and I've been having this as my focus, but it has become more and more clear that there is something unconscious that is not in balance that is driving this pursuit. And in my latest therapy-sessions it seems like we've been able to poke a hole in this bouble. So naturally under all this there is much unworthiness, shame, feeling like a failure, etc. And now, it seems like, maybe for the first time ever I can face these feelings fully in my meditation without some sort of project that are meant to compensate for these feelings.

I've been facing many of these feelings many times, and it seems like it is just part of my cycles, but I think there has always been a "yes, but...." regarding them, so, willing to face them like 80 % maybe, but always with this side-project that was meant to also fix them by trying to become some projected version of myself in the future which would not have these failures I was projecting onto myself in the present moment.

So I think this is a pretty big break-through, but it just feels very calm and relaxing. And I'm continuing with my guitar-practice, and it is so much more relaxing and fun to just play without this huge desperation being the driving force underneath it.

These types of projects always seemed to come with a certain manic quality. And now it very much feels like this manic side of myself has really calmed down. And that makes it really nice to meditate.

[Thittato]

Also 30 min yoga today, too. Just finished the session. Sooooooooo nice.

[Thittato]

45 min meditation today. Very nice. No meditation yesterday. I've been sick again. It is the third time in a month. Maybe it is some kind of long-covid thing. I hope this is the last time in a while.

[Thittato]

1st session of kayaking this year

2 hours of kayaking, a cold shower, and then 25 min of yin yoga. Gosh. I've been very lazy lately. Probably because I was sick 3 times in 5-6 weeks. But I think I'm about to shake off the laziness now. The kayaking today was really nice. This is my 3rd year of kayaking. I think it will be an important part of my life this spring / summer / early fall this year, too.

[Thittato]

30 min yoga today. Sweeeeet.

[Thittato]

30 min yoga today as well. Very nice.

[Thittato]

30 min yoga today. Very deep rest experienced in and after this session.

Edited May 16, 2023 by Thittato

[Thittato]

And 45 min meditation this morning. Very nice.

[Thittato]

2nd session of kayaking this year

2 hours today. Very nice.

[Thittato]

Also 45 min meditation today. Very nice.

[Thittato]

3rd session of kayaking this year

Starting the day with 45 min of meditation, then 30 min of yoga, and then 2 hours of kayaking. Super-nice :-)

[Thittato]

45 min meditation yesterday, and 30 min yoga today. Nice.

[Thittato]

4th session of kayaking this year

Two days ago. Two hours again. With two friends, this time. Very fun to see that we still digg this activity.

[Thittato]

Trip-report psilocybin

Me and a good friend whom I play music with decided to do a psilocybin trip yesterday. We used ChatGPT to help us develop a program and a theme for our journey. My friend wanted to have as his intention that he wanted to open up his voice to better sing the mantras that we are working with. That intention was a good match with my own one, and so we decided to do a 5 min sharing before we ingested the shrooms, and then sing a mantra for 10 min before we did a 25 min yoga-program focused on opening up the throath-chakra. Then we did a 30 min walk from home before we came to our beautiful spot in nature. We established our camp, and went on with our program which consisted of meditation, guitar-playing and mantra-singing. For the most part I was feeling very confused and out of touch with this program, but it was still good to have some structure as a foundation, and when we were done with the program it felt like much of the stuff that had been triggered was being worked through and processed with the help of singing the mantras, so in hindsight it was really nice to have the mantras to focus on instead of just wallowing around in my confusion. My friend reported that his inner experience was very much alligned with our program, so he didn't experience this confusion, but he was a very good support when I told about my confusion, so his feedback and energy was very supportive, and it felt like we were a good match as tripping-partners. It was very uplifting to hear his enthusiasm for tripping with an intention, a theme and a program, instead of just doing it randomly, and this made me very much feel like we had done something worthwhile. Later in the evening when we came home to his place, we had a really awesome mantra-session, and it was very clear that the journey had been successfull. We learned a lot of new mantras, and in total it feels like we did a very profound mantra-workshop together. When I came home I did a lot of interaction with ChatGPT to process this trip, and oh my god, I'm still very impressed by how helpful ChatGPT can be.