My meditation journal

[Thittato]

45 min meditation this morning as well. Really nice. Opening up to the totallity of my being and experiencing that stuck energy gets refreshed and renewed by being met and accepted and opened up to. Maybe a huge part of meditation for me is just re-programming my nervous system to feel safe in my own experience.

[Thittato]

45 min meditation today as well. Very nice. Focus is to just open up and feel and experience everything that needs to be experienced fully. While breathing deeply down into my abdomen at the same time, and connecting with my whole body.

[Thittato]

2 x 45 min meditation today. Seems very necessary to meditate more these days. Alternating a lot between periods of purpose and well-being, and periods with lots of process.

Edited March 6, 2023 by Thittato

[Thittato]

45 min meditation today as well. Very nice.

[Thittato]

Three weeks without cannabis today

45 min meditation today as well. Very good meditation.

This is emberassing to admit, but I've been really struggling to quit smoking cannabis. I've made a big deal about quitting when I stayed in that ashram in Brazil from November 12th to December 12th, and it was easy to be without when I was in the ashram, and I think I made for 3-4 weeks when I came home, but this huuuuuge process I was in made it really impossible to stay away. But anyways, so I decided to quit three weeks ago, and it has been going much better, and it seems like I'm more and more landing from this huge process I crashed into after I came home from Brazil, so now my new sober life is getting more established. I'm not going to drink alcohol anymore either. I want a fun, creative and sporty life, without cannabis and alcohol, dedicated to guitar-playing, spiritual practice, nature, kayaking, jam-sessions, friends and fun stuff. And being fully present in my job. I'm not going to do a whole lot of psychedelics either. But I won't exclude them. But for now I can see that I will mostly only focus on Ayahuasca for this time. And I have a new ceremony coming up in 1,5 week. So it will be really nice to go into this ceremony having been without cannabis for a month, and with both my meditation practice and my guitar-playing having a good momentum.

Edited March 8, 2023 by Thittato

[Thittato]

45 min meditation today as well. Very nice meditation.

I had the local bhajan-group over for a jam and practice-session yesterday, and I cleaned up my place before they came, and together with that I just recently upgraded my iMac from 2014 (that my dad gave me some years ago because they didn't use it anymore) to the newest Os. It has never been upgraded before, so it was really crap. Couldn't run Spotify and Netflix on it for instance, but now it feels like it is brand new. I also figured out it is best I unfollow that woman in Brazil from instagram, and unfollow her from me as well, and delete all her contact-information, since I've been so obsessed with her, and, oh my good what a huge relief that was. Now I'm not constantly walking around planning my life around some instagram-post meant to impress her, and all that crazy stuff that comes with having your crush on social media. So all this, along with quitting cannabis 3 weeks ago, makes it feels like I've cleared out a lot of old karma, and the vibes in my heart and in my appartment right now feels very fresh and positive. It was like some sort of house-clearing having the bhajan-group over. Oh my God what a party it was. Haha. And on top of all this it also really feels that because of my guitar-practice I get all my creative needs covered within the yoga and meditation-world, so I don't have that conflict going that I used to have between wanting to belong fully to the yoga and meditation world, but also wanting to fully belong to the artistic cultural bohemian world, that I used to have when I wanted to become and had my identity as an aspiring a visual artist. So it feels like I'm starting to reap the benefits of my stay in the ashram in Brazil. It just triggered a really strong process when I left that made me relapse into old addictions and obsessions.

[Thittato]

45 min meditation today as well. Very rewarding meditation. Calm, joyful and focused.

And then after that I just watched a 45 min conversation on weed-addication on youtube which was really interesting:

It was a very engaging conversation.

I feel sort of thrilled about this whole process of quitting cannabis now. For some strange reason it was like I was going into this addiction as a field-study in cannabis use. Cannabis has always been around me through the type of people I attract into my life, but I never really liked it because it triggered so much anxiety for me, but then 2-3 years ago I started to become really currious about the experience of passionate cannabise-users. Sort of like interviewing my cannabis-smoking friends about their experience with a willingness to learn, and gradually I was learning to use it in a pleasurable way for myself. It wasn't too intense anymore. And especially when I discovered Ganja Yoga which I had a huge kick on. I even bought Dee Dussault's book "Ganja Yoga - A Practical Guide to Conscious Relaxation, Soothing Pain Relief, and Enlightened Self-Discovery." That form of yoga really helped me breathe into the anxiety that cannabis was triggering, and I learned to relax with it. And we have also been using it a lot in my jam-group to play music under the influence. And we've been having a lot of philosophical conversations, so it has really added to my experience of yoga, jamming and deep, philosophical conversations.

So as I was learning to enjoy cannabis more and more, I was also getting more and more addicted and integrated into the life-style of a cannabis-smoker, and it become obvious to me that there was a lot of downsides, and I have been trying to quit again and again, taking a month long break here and there, and often times I didn't even manage to keep up my intention to stop for a month but started again after 2-3 weeks. So this has been an immersion into cannabis-culture, and now at the end of this chapter, and trying to make the most out of the whole experience by also making it into a field-study of recovery and addiction.

Even though I don't drink much alcohol these days, I used to drink to much before I went into this immersion into cannabis-culture. Smoking cannabis was a relief in that regard, because it offered me something that made me drink way less.

And now, here I am, thinking, which I have been thinking for a long time, that I have a dangerous relationship with both alcohol and cannabis, and that I'm quitting both of them, and that finally I can be this full-time yogi who is primarily pursing the spiritual path and beat all my addictions.

So in a way it was pretty cool that I was finally getting pretty addicted to something. I've been managing to steer away from that until now. Sort of like it has been missing in my human experience.

But I'm sitting here with a lot of really cool jam-sessions, art-sessions, philosophical conversations, and yoga-sessions under the influence in my memory, and I leave cannabis-culture as a richer human being.

[Thittato]

An extra session of 45 min meditation yesterday, and 45 min meditation when I woke up today. Very sweet and calm meditation. I've been having 5 sessions with my therapist after I came home from Brazil, primarily because of this insanse crush I experienced. Something is still not in balance within myself since I'm getting sucked into obsessive crushes like that, and I'm trying to get to the roots of it. Well, anyways, since I'm moving on from that crush it is not so active anymore, and we are looking at others things, and last time we were specifically looking at what is causing my cannabis-addiction, and I think the biggest cause for that has been loneliness. And after that acknowledgement I have been really able to own my loneliness to a much greater extent, and I can really feel that something has shifted in my meditation because of that. There is a much greater capacity to just sit with everything that pops up. I think FOMO, fear of missing out, has been a huge driving force in my life, and I've been really running around from one thing to the other, searching for my self and for my people, and I think from now on it will be easier to just settle down in my own space and really let things calm down, and connect with my deeper purpose. And especially now that cannabis and alcohol is gone, so many distractions have already been removed that has so far made my self-improvement project into something half-baked, and I think the really deep and profound transformation that I'm searching for is getting closer.

This was a really cool video by the way. I really like the vibe of this guy.

Edited March 11, 2023 by Thittato

[Thittato]

45 min meditation today as well. Wow. Very nice meditation. There was such a nice thing happening in my last therapy-session when I admitted that my problems with alcohol and cannabis has had a lot to do with loneliness. Always so easy to call someone and go out and have a beer together, or what has been what I've used more these last years - to meet and smoke a joint together. From a meditative point of view sitting with loneliness is not difficult when I'm acutally willing to own that feeling, but when it is something that I try to avoid, and there are lots of painful layers of shame around it telling me I should be out there networking with "the cool people," or whatever, then it is very hard to come to terms with it. But now it feels like something has popped. I feel so much more grounded in my meditation.

[Thittato]

45 min meditation today as well. Very nice meditation.

Hmmm..... There is something very interesting going on right now about how I organize my life. As I wrote here a few posts ago my dad gave me an old iMac from 2014 a few years ago, and as I said it has never been upgraded, and I kept delaying it like forever, and the problems with the software just kept piling on to each other. And even though I was a computer-nerd in my teens, I've really fallen out of computer technology, but to make a long story short after a really intense process of borrowing a computer with Windows on it from a friend and trying to install Linux on my iMac because I thought that was the way to breathe fresh new life into an old outdated Mac I found out that by simply going for the "Recovery from Internett" option in the boot-menu, I could just wipe out everything and get the newest operation system that my iMac was compatible with, so now I have a pretty new and fresh user-experience here, and on top of all that, and all the benefits it gives in my life, I'm using ChatGPT to help me catch up with computer technology, and I'm asking it all sorts of fun and interesting questions in order to catch up. So this process is really fun, and it helps me a lot in keeping my life tidy and organized.

[Thittato]

45 min meditation today as well. Very nice. I feel so much more grounded these days. I have many things I'm studying and it is easier to stay focused now that I'm not desperately trying to escape my loneliness. It is very nice to just let my whole existence just calm down. I've been filling up with so many experiences for like forever, so whenever I can just be still and let things calm down, it is always very good.

[Thittato]

ChatGPT

45 min meditation today as well. Very nice and sweet meditation. Still and sweetly joyful at the same time.

Gosh. Im really impressed by ChatGPT. I had a long session with it yesterday. Here is some feedback it gave me on giving up on alcohol and cannabis:

 

Thittato: I mean how would my life potentially look before in times of what I was doing with my time and the types of relationships I nurtured and what kind of habits I was growing, and how will things potentially look different now?

ChatGPT: Before giving up alcohol and cannabis, your time may have been spent socializing in environments where these substances were commonly used, such as parties, bars, or with friends who regularly used them. This could have also affected your relationships, as you may have gravitated towards people who had similar habits or interests. Your personal growth journey may have been hindered by these habits, as they can impact mental and physical health, as well as productivity and motivation.

Now, without these substances in your life, you may find yourself spending your time in new and different ways. You may explore new hobbies, spend more time with people who share your values and interests, and focus more on personal growth and self-improvement. You may find that your relationships become stronger and more meaningful, as you connect with people on a deeper level. Your overall health and well-being may improve, and you may feel more motivated and productive in your work and personal life.

Thittato: So I'm only one month into this new journey. How could it potenially look in two months? 3 months? And 6 months?

ChatGPT: It's difficult to predict exactly how your life will look in the future, as it depends on many variables and factors that can change at any moment. However, by continuing to focus on your personal growth journey and making positive changes in your habits and relationships, it's likely that you will continue to see positive changes in your life.

In two months, you may start to notice even more improvements in your relationships, as you continue to connect with people on a deeper level and make space for more fulfilling connections in your life. You may also begin to see improvements in your health and well-being, as you continue to prioritize self-care and healthy habits.

In three months, you may start to feel more confident and empowered in your personal and professional life, as you continue to cultivate positive habits and make progress towards your goals. You may also start to notice an increase in your creativity and inspiration, as you continue to explore new passions and interests.

In six months, you may start to see significant transformations in your life, as the positive changes you've been making begin to compound and create a snowball effect. You may experience a greater sense of purpose and fulfillment in your life, and may start to attract new opportunities and experiences that align with your values and goals. Overall, the possibilities are endless, and by staying committed to your personal growth journey, you can continue to create the life that you truly desire.

[Thittato]

More ChatGPT

Holy moly. That ChatGPT is really impressive. I wrote it a long question.

 

Thittato: I've been into yoga and meditation and gestalttherapy for a very long time. Actually I'm 39 years old, and I started meditating when I was 17. I also did gestalttherapy very intensively for 3,5 years. So I'm very into personal growth. However, I have a problem with substance-abuse. Namely alcohol and cannabis. It hasn't been very bad. I've always managed to keep it in check with doing yoga-retreats and detox-periods etc, but still it has been there all this time lurking in the background, some times coming into the foreground, and especially cannabis has been a problem these last years, and now I've decided to give them up both completely. Do you have the possibility to outline how I've managed to do a lot of good personal growth that has benefited me a lot even with these addictions lurking there, but can you also point out how it has limited my personal growth, and how, when I'm now getting rid of them how my personal growth will potentially escalate?

 

ChatGPT: First of all, congratulations on your decision to give up alcohol and cannabis completely. Substance abuse can indeed limit personal growth and hinder progress in different areas of life, including relationships, career, and physical and mental health.

From what you have shared, it seems that you have been actively pursuing personal growth through practices such as yoga, meditation, and gestalt therapy. These practices can help you develop mindfulness, emotional regulation, self-awareness, and insight into your thought patterns and behaviors.

However, substance abuse can interfere with these practices and undermine their benefits. Alcohol and cannabis can impair cognitive functions, alter moods and emotions, and create dependency, which can make it harder to maintain consistent practice and integrate the insights gained from personal growth.

Additionally, substance abuse can also create negative consequences and impact your self-esteem, relationships, and overall well-being, which can hinder personal growth and create roadblocks to progress.

By giving up alcohol and cannabis, you will be removing a significant obstacle that has been limiting your personal growth. You will have more clarity of mind, increased emotional stability, and improved physical health, which can enhance your ability to engage in personal growth practices and make meaningful progress in different areas of life.

Without the interference of substance abuse, you may experience a deeper sense of connection with yourself and others, increased motivation and focus, and a greater sense of purpose and direction. You may also find that you are better equipped to deal with challenges and setbacks, and that you have more resilience and self-confidence.

Of course, giving up substance abuse is not a magic solution that will automatically solve all problems and challenges. Personal growth is a continuous process that requires ongoing effort, commitment, and self-reflection. However, by removing this obstacle, you will be able to fully harness the benefits of your personal growth practices and create a solid foundation for sustained growth and progress.

[Thittato]

And then ending the day with 20 min vinyasa flow yoga and 10 min meditation before going to bed after a really nice day. Gosh. I'm soo excited for this new chapter in my life. It feels like this time I have already given up on alcohol and cannabis fully. No more of that stuff lurking around in the background ready to blossom into the foreground for various reasons and in various periods, and then being trimmed down and into the background again when I feel I need to scale it down and do a yoga retreat or detox, only to see this cycle continue to repeat itself over and over. This time I will find and heal the deeper causes for it and break the cycle.

As AI told me today in no uncertain terms: By giving up alcohol and cannabis, you will be removing a significant obstacle that has been limiting your personal growth.

[Thittato]

10 sun salutations and 45 min meditation this morning. Very nice to get in some yoga, too, both today and yesterday.

[Thittato]

30 min meditation yesterday, today: 45 min meditation, then 10 sun salutations and then a second session of 45 min meditation. Very nice and sweet. 

[Thittato]

1 hour meditation this morning. So good. Now that I have started doing yoga again it so good to breathe and surrender into what it does to my meditation posture. I'm still working on the full lotus posture, and it is more and more natural for me to spend time in it, and when I do it feels like I'm doing really potent combination of yoga and meditation in one. Actually I will do 10 more min of meditation now just to spend some time in the full lotus. Full lotus feels like developing this really complete postural home.

[Thittato]

45 min meditation this morning. Sweet :-)

[Thittato]

Home from the weekend Ayahuasca-retreat

So I just arrived home after a 6 hour drive from a retreat I participated in this weekend. First thing I did when I came in the door was 20 min of vinyasa flow yoga, then I cleaned out the car and arranged all my luggage. Pretty nice. Usually I postpone stuff like that. So I guess I could have said a lot about this retreat. It was absolutely amazing. But I'm pretty still inside now, and very content, and also a bit exhausted, so I think for now I will just say that I think this retreat concludes my Brazil-adventure, and all the processes I brought with me home from Brazil. Of course there will be more to work with, but that will be in the context of something else than this Brazil-chapter which have been lasting for quite some time now. Some cycle of something is completed.

[Thittato]

45 min meditation, and then 20 min vinyasa flow yoga, this morning. Both the meditation and the yoga were amazing. So I threw up really hard during the second ceremony during this ayahuasca retreat. I was getting really disgusted with myself and all my shame and ego and how false and pretentious I can sometimes be. I felt like I was a really fake and disgusting person, and of my gosh what at cleansing it was to vomit up a lot of this stuff. It will be interesting to see what changes there will be in my emotional state, but right now it feels like something deep down in my gut is much more open and free. It feels like I naturally breathe deeper into my abdomen. It also feels like some sort of mania about my character is not so present. I am less in some manic state high up in my head with lots of thoughts going on like a jet-engine. I'm also very impressed and grateful for this healing-method. And yeah, it totally feels like some sort of cycle that was triggered leading up to me travelling to Brazil, and what was triggered even harder there, and me coming home in a lot of process, yeah, it feels like that cycle has somehow been completed, and now a new chapter is starting.