My meditation journal

[Thittato]

5th ice-bath this winter

45 min meditation yesterday, and 45 min meditation today. I skipped the ice-bath I had planned for yesterday, but today I did one. After the ice-bath I did another session of 45 min of meditation. So much process and stuff after Brazil, so maybe I have to increase my dose of meditation. It was like it was burning all over my being with restlessness before that second session, so I sat down in order to go deeper into the burning sensations and let it burn. There is a transformation I've experienced before where before meditation I'm victim of the burning sensations, but after meditation the burning has been transformed more into flames of devotion. Not sure if that is exactly what happened today, but I feel more cooled down now.

[Thittato]

6th ice-bath this winter

45 min meditation this morning, too. And then I went for an ice-bath together with a bhajan group who was going to have a bhajan right after the ice-bath. I was also celebrating New Years Eve together with this bhajan group. We were having a cacao-ceremony, and then we had a long drum-circle integrated with lots of mantra-singing and a lot of improvised fun around the camp-fire. My friends that I'm jamming with, and this bhajan-group, makes it easier to integrate back into society after Brazil. Yesterday, all the way until the cacao started to kick in together with the drum-circle, I was in a big process regarding how much I'm missing the ashram in Brazil, but as I realized what a fun and open and expansive group I was with yesterday, filled with beautiful friendships, I was starting to really apprieciate what I have here in my home-town.

Something big must have been triggered for me in this ashram. I was only there for a month, but I was really having the time of my life. The couple who runs this ashram are very much into playing out the role of spiritual mother and father, too - in a conscious psychotherapeutic informed way. So in many ways it was very much like coming home to my spiritual home. It has also been a long journey leading up to actually travelling there. Lots of mental preparation over several months for this "adventure of my life," and finally I was there, and it was even better than I was projecting that it would become. And now it feels like in many ways I only want to live this kind of life with those types of people around me. I think we humans are meant to live like that - in communities of like-minded people.

I love psychedelics, yoga, meditation, nature, psychotherapeutic processes, travel, adventure, language, playing guitar and drums, singing, living in a community of like-minded people, and I also really like the physical work of taking care of a place like that, so it was really like all my interests converged into one community and all it had to offer.

But now that I'm choosing to let go of both alcohol and cannabis, it seems like I will attract more and more people and situations into my life that are more aligned with my purpose. About time! And of course this transition is going to be a little rough, because there are frustrations and stuff that I've been numbing with alcohol and cannabis that I will now have to face head-on. But things will re-align, and I'm even finding that cacao-ceremonies are a really thing, so when I'm starting to crave some stimulant, cacao is a more healthy alternative. And a friend even has some ayahuasca lying around that I will get. Enought for at least one strong ceremony. So at some point soon I will do a solo-ceremony. And then my teachers will come to Europe again in March. So gradually new habits and a new orientation will get established and soon enough I will feel established in a more aligned life-style.

[Thittato]

3 days with 45 min mediation in a row after my last journal-entry, and then a few days without meditation. And then 45 min meditation today again (and a good cold shower, been keeping up the cold showers). I was really triggered by this experience of coming home from the ashram in Brazil, but now I think I'm finally starting to land. I guess the month in Brazil has been such a deep and rich experience that it feels like I have been away for much longer than a month, and it hasn't been so easy to get integrated back into my patterns and behaviour here back home. It feels like I have been away from everything for much longer than a month. But anyways, it seems like I'm landing more and more. I'm starting to appreciate my job and my co-workers more again, like tuning into the connection again, and I'm very much appreciating my music-friends and the bhajan-group that I'm a part of.

Now I also decided on doing a 2 month really intensive guitar-course with a teacher who has a studio just right next door to me. I'll be able to do up do 9 classes per week with him. Probably more often 6 classes per week. I think this will be really good. It is a very big part of my purpose right now to improve on guitar, as it was for the whole of 2022. At some point I hope to be able to play guitar as one of the musicians in ayahuasca ceremonies.

I'm also thinking right now that I want to travel back to the ashram in Brazil same time next year, but then stay there for 3 months this time. So keeping up with my meditation and guitar-playing until that time, and also with learning portuguese, and devoting myself to my job and the bhajan-group here in my home-town until that time would be really awesome. Sounds like a really awesome life to me. It also makes the gap of life in my home-town and life in the ashram in Brazil much less.

It is very interesting because I've been looking for some sort of parallell life in a different country far away that I want to have as an adventure, inspiration and escape from my daily-life here in my home-town, and now I've found it. I have a spiritual home and a familiy in Brazil. So it is about bridging the gap between home-town life and ashram-life, and enjoying both. I guess it takes some practice and adjustment to find a good balance between these two, but now the most difficult work has been done with travelling there for the first time and getting established in the community.

And interestingly enough my job as a social worker in a psychiatric hospital has many similarities to the life in an ashram, and I'm both teaching yoga and playing guitar and singing mantras with the patients sometimes, so this is also a place where I can bridge the gap. Pretty awesome, everything, sometimes, when the mind clears up and purpose and passion is felt clearly.

Edited January 7, 2023 by Thittato

[Raptorsin7]

Hey, can you share more about what it was like at the ashram in Brazil? 

How often do the people do aya there? What kinds of experiences did you have with aya? Release of tensions/knots in the body, surfacing of repressed emotions?

I'm thinking of travelling to South America and doing some aya ceremonies, but it would be really cool to visit a quality ashram with spiritual people. Do you have any other experiences with spiritual communities in South America, or in Europe?

[Thittato]

On 7.1.2023 at 5:36 PM, Raptorsin7 said:

Hey, can you share more about what it was like at the ashram in Brazil? 

How often do the people do aya there? What kinds of experiences did you have with aya? Release of tensions/knots in the body, surfacing of repressed emotions?

I'm thinking of travelling to South America and doing some aya ceremonies, but it would be really cool to visit a quality ashram with spiritual people. Do you have any other experiences with spiritual communities in South America, or in Europe?

Hello! :-) I'm so much in process after I came home, so it is a bit diffcult to answer on these things right now, but I have written quite a lot about my experience there starting from 1st ice-bath this winter. Maybe I can answer you better when this process has integrated more :-)

But I definitivly think south-america is for you if you are ready for the adventure of your life. Or to expand the adventure you are already on! Sounds to me like that at one point in ones spiritual journey one should either go really deep into either India or South-America. Like a really deep and exotic pilgrimage.

Edited January 15, 2023 by Thittato

[Raptorsin7]

39 minutes ago, Thittato said:

Hello! :-) I'm so much in process after I came home, so it is a bit diffcult to answer on these things right now, but I have written quite a lot about my experience there starting from 1st ice-bath this winter. Maybe I can answer you better when this process has integrated more :-)

But I definitivly think south-america is for you if you are ready for the adventure of your life. Or to expand the adventure you are already on! Sounds to me like that at one point in ones spiritual journey one should either go really deep into either India or South-America. Like a really deep and exotic pilgrimage.

Thanks man.

India and South America are next on my mind of places to travel too. I am of Indian descent so that will likely be the first place I visit, but South America sounds incredible, and I'd love to do some Aya and explore the nature there

[Thittato]

So I've been sooooo much in process lately. Holy moly. Been spending almost the whole weekend in bed. Totally exhausted. But today it lifted a bit. Actually I spoke with my therapist again for first time in 2 years. It was really supportive. And then I went to a bhajan in the evening and it was really nice to just be there and sing. Like fully accepting my position as a singer. I've been bringing my drum and my guitar sometimes lately, and sometimes contributed. But I'm still insecure about it so it is a high pressure I put on myself and sometimes it is nice to just have a break from it. But after the official bhajan was over, there was a spontanous birthday-party and me and the guy playing bass started jamming on one of our first mantras. I found an ukulele and I know the chords for this song, and suddenly the whole room exploded in singing and dancing. Another woman joined me with another ukulele, and the bass was just getting more and more groovy, and people started playing drums and using shakers. So that was a really awesome experience of leading a song. So gradually more and more I'm getting experience with leading groups like this. Slowly but in my own tempo. And organically when the space naturally opens up for it. So I'm "sneaking around" with my instruments in these groups. Most of the time I just sing, but then more and more I jam with people behind the scenes and sometimes I'm invited to enter the scene myself, also of course next to getting a lot of inspiration to keep my own solo practice going. So I'm getting better and more confident all the time. So this is naturally how it develops. I'm so grateful I'm part of this bhajan-group. It really makes living in this city worth it. Now I have this musical scene where I can bring in all that inspiration I had with me from Brazil and let it nurture and grow within this group. The mantras I have been playing on my own for a long time I can now let into this group and receive so much energy back from what I put in. These mantras grow and expand tremendously when they are introduced into a group of skilled muscians and experienced bhajan-leaders like this.

So today everything was worth it, and it seems like it is good for me to get humbled in life again. It is good with some vulnerability again. I've been flying high on a sense of feeling that life is something I've got mastered for this period of my life. And naturally that lead to me being able to travel to Brazil and have a really awesome time over there, while living a normal life with responsibilities here back home. But that was a bit much to expand, and I've reached the limits of my current level of skills, so now there is pain again in this growth-period. I need to learn to ride with emotional rollercoaster that comes with living this type of intense life. And that takes quite some practice, time and integration. But for now I should just celebrate that I came home in one piece and that they stay was successful and that acutally now it is good to just unravel in way, become vulnerable again, and realize that it is good to get humbled again. I'm meant to become a more warm and humble person by doing these types of travels, so that takes some experiences on deeper layers of my ego getting crushed again and again. So that I can grow a more healthy, humble and dynamic ego.

[Thittato]

14 minutes ago, Raptorsin7 said:

Thanks man.

India and South America are next on my mind of places to travel too. I am of Indian descent so that will likely be the first place I visit, but South America sounds incredible, and I'd love to do some Aya and explore the nature there

Awesome, man! You have an inspiring attitude towards this. Let us talk more about this when I'm back on my two feet, hehe....

I think doing both would really be the ultimate. I think I will go to India, too, at some point :-)

Edited January 16, 2023 by Thittato

[Thittato]

1 hour meditation today. So nice. Feeling much better today. I just have to face the realities of what is going on. Of course doing ayahuasca 13 times in one month in the most amazing ashram will trigger a lot of shit. It is basically 'asking for it.'

Edited January 16, 2023 by Thittato

[Raptorsin7]

@Thittato Sounds good, wish you well

[Thittato]

On 16.1.2023 at 10:11 PM, Raptorsin7 said:

@Thittato Sounds good, wish you well

Thanks! <3

[Thittato]

So I was developing a really bad crush in Brazil. I met a woman during something called a Sao Miguel ceremony. 19th of November. It seemed like we had a strong connection from the very first moment we saw each other. We had a really awesome conversation after the ceremony, exchanged contact information, and before I went to bed I made sure to like a few of her instagram pictures. The next day she started following me back and liked some of my stuff. And already this made me freak out. I was like "oh no, this means there is an opening for further contact" And for fucking 2 weeks I was debating with myself about whether to follow it up or not. Particularley because being in Brazil for the first time ever was pretty overwhelming in itself. Fortunately I managed to block it out most of the time and just devote myself fully to the experience of living in an ayahuasca ashram and enjoying all the cool people one meets there, including other interesting women. But underneath it all I was really brewing on this particular one. So after two weeks I was finally pulling myself together and writing her if asking if she was up for some fun exploration of city-life together. She didn't even look at the message, and I felt so rejected. I had 8 days left in Brazil, and gradually I was just more and more glad she didn't answer me. No more complications. I can leave Brazil with a clean cut. But of course, the day I was leaving, I woke up to a message by her. She liked my message, said sorry she didn't check her inbox on instagram often, and gave me her number and said to give her a call instead. Oh no! I didn't know what to do, and to this day I still haven't answered her.

And the crush has just been growing into something more and more obsessive and paralyzing. Should I just let her go? Or should I try to get to know her and possible start to plan to travel and meet each other somewhere again soon if the connection is uncovered to be really strong by getting to know each other. It seems pretty hopeless the whole thing.

And this damn state that I'm in right now. It is what is always happening when I get a crush. I get almost like sucked into this borderline psychotic state. I have to say mild enough that I'm still functional and can do my job well, etc. With age I have even learned to still enjoy my hobbies while in this state. But it becomes very consuming. Everything is about trying to find the right key to finally unlock the heart of this woman. And there is just no chance for me to really seduce her while I'm in this state.

So now this whole phenomena in my life is fully open and operating again. I've managed to get a long pause since my last crush. But this is how it always is. And now I have to deal with it. It is obviously here again with full force.

So how can I be more compassionate and wise when dealing with it this time?

How can I use meditation to deal with this experience? Like feel it in my body, recognizing that I'm in a state and try to mindfully pull out of the looping going on in my head, etc.

And is there some spiritual work going on here? I'm thinking that this happened in my first Sao Miguel ceremony ever, and a few days ago I was invited to a new Sao Miguel ceremony 28th of January. So between 19th of December and 28th of January is there some type of spiritual process that opened up that I now get the chance to conclude? And maybe if I work really well with this now before the ceremony, maybe I'll get the chance to release huge amounts of this trauma?

Something in me actually feels a little enthusiastic and currious about this opportunity.

There will have to be some deep removal of energy blockages in my body before I can become functional in this part of my life.

Like I'm not really ready for holding space for myself and all the shit that happens inside of me when I crush on a woman. I'm just completely knocked off course. The charge when this sort of thing strikes is just too loaded. It is totally not something that I own.

So this was a really sobering experience of seeing how little I have improved in this area of my life, even though I thought I had a really awesome flow going. Actually the flow was really awesome. But it can only be awesome when I completely shut off romantic involvements with women.

It seems like I tend to think that my self-love is much greater than it is when I'm actually exposed to all the past hurt I have in relationship to a girlfriend. So my lack of self-love is really strongly exposed when I get a crush. Normally I feel very complete, or think I feel complete, but when this stuff strikes I become very uncomplete. So whatever sense of wholeness I normally experience is not integrated into my romantic life at all.

Beside all that crap, my guitar-playing is really improving these days! That is the only thing I got these days, and I'm clinging on to it with my dear life, and it pays off! So that is some powerful self-inforcing empowerment going on there!

So that is like the battle between my purpose and being obsessed by a woman going on right there. I can easily feel my purpose while not under this spell, but once spellbound it is a battle.

It would give me so much more power and confidence if I was able to choose my purpose on a much stronger frequency!

[Thittato]

45 min meditation today. Very nice and calm meditation. Nice relief from the processes I go through these days.

[Thittato]

45 min meditation today, and then 45 min yoga nidra. Very nice <3

[Thittato]

45 min meditation today. The obsessive crush is back. Studying from the inside, through vipassana meditation, what it does to my being on an experimental level. My whole being is afflicted with something energetic that gives me a depressive mood, obsessive thought-loops, and in general my total feeling of being is something that I resist and don't feel attracted by. Normally in vipassana meditation I find there comes a relief when I become one with what I resist, but that didn't happen this meditation, but maybe I have been putting things into motion so that it happens later in the day, but leaving meditation I still have this sense of being afflicted by something energetic that I resist.

[Thittato]

45 min meditation today. Very peaceful and relaxed meditation. The release I was talking about yesterday happened very late in the evening, so I was walking around in this very contricted, depressed and static state the whole day, but then suddenly the whole thing dissolved and I felt at ease with myself again, and I woke up in ease again today. So most likely I will experience more of these waves, but for now there is a nice relief of peace and well-being. Interesting that my identity so completely merged into Brazil for this short period, and especially with this crush on this woman. If a symbol for Brazil is a ship she was the figurehead on this ship.

[Thittato]

Oh my gosh how helpful it is with meditation when I go through these strong processes. Amazing that what I was going through yesterday was cleansed out so quickly and now I feel completely fine again. I spoke with my therapist again today. Second time since I came home from Brazil. She is helping me landing from the the whole Brazil experience and the crush. The whole Brazil ayahuasca experience was meant to trigger and clean out a lot of stuff. But I only got the most challenging part when I came home. I drank ayahuasca for 13 days when I was there for a month. But the whole time I was flying on this really amazing experience of being in this ashram in this very fascinating country. It was only the last ceremonies that started getting challening, and the very last one really exploded in my face. So that is what I brought with me home. But I've been getting very good help in landing all this. In my meditation, from my friends, and from my therapist. I can also really sense now that these obsessive crushes that I've been a victim of, that how romantic interest in a woman is expressed inside of myself - I can really feel the potential for that to fall into balance now. I think the whole getting to know a woman and potentially become romantic/sexual with her can be felt as something fun and exciting, and not so serious and desperate "my once in lifetime one and only chance to find true love and salvation if only I do everything right" kind of. Hahha.... Crazy what gets triggered in me when there seems to be mutual interest and chemistry between me and woman. Only a short moment of feeling seen and understood on a deep level and I become absolutely desperate. Hahah......

[Thittato]

No meditation today. Sort of back to wallowing in this crush, although it feels more like a normal type of interest and less like a crisis. I'm almost certain I will contact her now. I think the potential interaction between us will have to follow its natural course. But this weekend I'm travelling to another european country to do a ayahuasca ceremony with the same group I travelled to Brazil with (except the leaders who live in Brazil will not be there, the European leader for this group will hold the space, I guess he is sort of the informal assistent leader for this organization). The ceremony is a Sao Miguel ceremony. The same type of ceremony I met this woman in. I've only done one Sao Miguel ceremony, so this will be my second. I'm hoping for some resolution or spiritual strength or whatever that can help me deal with this situation. So in the traditional ayahuasca church way I'm going to pray to Sao Miguel with the hymns we are singing hoping that he will help me gain clearity on this issue. I don't know if I actually believe in this in a literal sense, but in a symbolical way I think it can be a powerful practice. I think my plan is to contact this woman after this ceremony, like "Hey, I just did another Sao Miguel ceremony here in Europe, made me think of the one we did together in Brazil, sorry I didn't write you earlier but it was quite a process coming back home after Brazil, unfortunately you wrote me just right when I was leaving, but have been really nice to meet you in real life, but maybe we can hang out on video-chat instead......" Or something along those lines. I think for now I will just have to really try to accept and surrender to the fact that I really like this woman, and try to stay balanced and to the best of my ability try experience that as something natural and fun.

I guess a temporary conclusion is that when I keep avoiding this issue in my life it will sooner or later blow up in my face like it just did, and whether or not it turns into something with this woman I will need to do some serious work on this issue in general so that I can eventually find a healthy and good partner and not just keep on procrastinating the whole project.

Edited January 26, 2023 by Thittato

[Thittato]

Pheeeew. Finished working night-shift, and on my way to the ceremony tomorrow. Reunion with the Brazilian Europe-group. Everything is packed and ready, my appartment is tidy and clean, and I'm sitting on the first bus. It feels very good. 

I was having some good meditations this night at my job when it was quiet. I could really feel clearly in my body how this strong ON / OFF pattern regarding women manifests. Like a painful wedge droven into a central part of my being, and how it makes me either wanting to desperately pursue in order to reach a quick conclusion, or harshly wanting to shut down the connection (also in order to reach a quick conclusion), and how I alternate back and forth between these two polarities, and all the very fixed and rigid mental scenarios this creates. There is certainly a very strong need for control here, instead of just letting things flow.

This gives me something clear in my body to work with, instead of just looping around in my mind. I'm very happy about this new bodily/emotional knowledge, and it gives me something very clear to work with from now on. It will be interesting to see what bringing this into the ceremony can help with my healing.

Also pretty cool that I've been meditating, journaling, working on the hymns, playing drums, going regularly to a guitar-teacher, and doing two therapy-sessions in-between Brazil and this european reunion for the weekend. Even though I've felt like a complete mess, I've been doing some good work.

Edited January 27, 2023 by Thittato

[Thittato]

10 sun salutations, a cold shower, and 20 min meditation, this morning. So nice to meet this community again. We had a sharing and sang mantras together yesterday when we first met. Very nice. Today is the big day. Very much looking forward to it <3