My meditation journal

[Thittato]

25 min yin yoga and a cold shower today as well. Very nice :-)

[Thittato]

Cold shower, 1,5 hour mantra-singing with my mantra-group, and then when I came home from that I did 25 min yin yoga before I went to work night-shift. Such an awesome day :-)

[Thittato]

29th session of kayaking this year (and 10 days without cannabis now)

Went paddling for 4,5 hours this morning. Got to watch the sunrise out on the ocean, and then I paddled to an island with a lighthouse on and had breakfast. This is a pretty long paddle. I needed something to unwind from the 3 night-shifts I worked this weekend. It has been really crazy at our job lately. So it was good to do a long and solid paddle. I'm working evening-shift again this evening. When I go and experience something like this it feels like I have been longer away from my job than I have so it feels like there has been more space to process things in-between shifts. Also exercise really helps to process stuff. Exercise and nature.

I also quit cannabis 10 days ago. I have gotten addicted I realize. Last time when I wrote here about taking a break. I think it was December/January. I was going to take a break for 30 days. I only managed 20 days. I also tried to take a 30 days break this summer. It lasted for 14 days. This time it also starts as a 30 day break, but I don't think I can go back to it. It has been a medicine for me. And it has been great to use it for Ganja Yoga and music jams. But yeah, it is very addictive. And it also makes me lazy. Life is demanding and I need to be at the top of my game. But I think I can weave my cannabis use these last two years into a good story about my self-development. It has been useful and very nice. But enough is enough.

I will probably write something more about it here as I process my use and try to integrate it into a useful story. Anyways. So paddling out to this lighthouse was also kind of a nice celebration of my first 10 days sober from this thing. It seems like cannabis really started making me lazy this last period, and now without it it seems like I naturally gravitate much more towards physical activity again.

Edited September 6, 2022 by Thittato

[Thittato]

45 min meditation this morning. So refreshing. I was pretty tired when I woke up today. So much going on at my job. But now I feel refreshed before going up there in a few minutes.

Two things not directly related to meditation:

I'm just so glad I'm done with cannabis for this time. It feels so relieving. Oh my gosh. Cannabis can become such a huuuuuuuuge trap. I can now safely say I have experienced what that is about, even though I can easily integrate this chapter into something medicinal and related to self-development.

And I think I'm soon done with paddling for this season. No winter-paddling for me at this point. I've paddled 29 good sessions this season, and 20 good sessions last season, so only one more session and I have 50 session in total and I think that is enough for this time. At least after that I can relax and just let those sessions come to me instead of it being something I'm pursuing. I feel like now I want to pursue something else when it comes to physical exercise. Perhaps climbing, because that is something I've been really wanting to get back into.

[Thittato]

45 min meditation today as well. So nice and refreshing. Besides that I'm obsessing over how good it is to be without cannabis for this (to begin with) 30 day break. 13th day without today. This has basically been a 2 year period where I have gradually gotten more and more into cannabis. I didn't really like it before that, because it triggerd so much anxiety in me, so I was mostly staying away, but then I became interested in becoming friends with it, and learn to relax this anxiety, and actually, through ganja yoga and the music jams I've participated in while high, I think my use has been therapeutic. But I have also gotten addicted. So now I'm pulling out of it again, reaping the benefits I could get from it without getting burned. I like the fact that I'm a very experimental person but also very responsible at the same time. Fortunately being experimental doesn't necessarily make you destructive.

Edited September 9, 2022 by Thittato

[Thittato]

45 min meditation yesterday, and 45 min meditation today. So nice :-)

[Thittato]

45 min meditation today as well. Shifting from "just sitting" technique into vipassana noting technique. This tend to stirr up much more energy, and is a more proactive meditation. Basically letting my sensory experience dissolve into tingling sensations and vibrations. These sensations gradually unite into a whole which becomes pretty pleasant, and then one just continues to refine and refine this experience by seeing that no experience is permanent, everything is constantly moving. Just looking into the vibratory quality of every sensation in the field of experience. The mind becomes more and more still and united this way, and my being is filled up with peace and joy. Pretty cool.

[Thittato]

30th session of kayaking this year

Yeah! So now I'm done with kayaking for this season (unless some of my friends really want to go for a session, but I'm usually the one who takes the initiative for that so most likely it won't happen, and at least I'm done with my goal regarding this season).

I also started the day with 45 min meditation, which was really nice. I'm getting to a point of really deep relaxation these days, where all my tensions seems to melt away, and I'm just surrendering into the present moment. Seems so healthy, and necessary, these days, to have access to rest like that.

Edited September 13, 2022 by Thittato

[Thittato]

2 x 45 min meditation today. Both were in the equanimity landscape.

[Thittato]

45 min meditation today as well. I was pretty grumpy regarding a lot of things, and they got processed really well during meditation, and when I was done I felt re-charged and peaceful. Pretty amazing :-) Going from the worst version of myself to the best in 45 minutes!

[Thittato]

Sitting here at night-shift and reflecting over what meditation does to me (when the momentum is in a good flow). It is really clearing away many of the layers that prevents me from just enjoying existence as it is in itself. Sometimes when the momentum is good I feel that I’m living my highest purpose simply by existing. Pretty awesome experience :-) Of course, often there is a lot of noise that needs to be cleared out first.

[Thittato]

20th day without cannabis

Hurra! Only 10 more days until my goal is reached. Did 45 min of meditation today, and then a cold shower. Been having a pause from cold showers because of a mild cold which wouldn't end. It feels really awesome to groove on meditation as I'm having this pause from cannabis. My goal for smoking cannabis this period was really to become friends with it, and if I'm leaving it I want to leave it while still being on good terms with it. Meditation these days really helps to process everything I've been through lately, and it is a really nice way to round up this cannabis-chapter. Take the wisdom in it with me, while processing whatever frustrations it was concealing.

[Thittato]

45 min meditation today as well. And a cold shower. Today my meditation went extra deep. There is a good momentum going on these days. I'm working on developing a 360 degrees awareness of my total experience of being, trying to catch all the little things which prevents the light of consciousness to shine fully.

[Thittato]

I remember one of my meditation teachers said «String it all together.» Meaning put all the various perspectives on meditation you’ve learned into one whole. This resonates a lot with me today, especially regarding some of the meditation types I’ve studied the most - breath meditation, Zen «just sitting» and Vipassana noting meditation. I feel very much that these types of meditation are covering a lot of the same landscape and cultivates many of the same qualities and feeds into each other. Some meditations can be more active, and some can be more passive, but we go through periods where sometimes we need more effort and other times we more need to let go. Another one of my teachers said meditation is about finding the perfect balance between effort and letting go.

[Thittato]

45 min meditation today, a cold shower, and 1,5 hour mantra-singing with an amazing group. Very, very nice <3 :-D

[Thittato]

45 min meditation today as well. Very nice :-D

[Thittato]

45 min meditation today as well. This is the first time since I started up again with 45 min sessions at Sept. 8th that I was pretty distracted while meditating. I couldn't quite get into gear most of the time. Gradually I started to notice that I had quite some difficult feelings of shame, doubt and anger that I was resisting, and when I could bring more honesty into my mind, I was getting more into gear and I could go into these sensations and own them. But I was also quite tired, so there was a lot of slipperiness in my mind, so I didn't quite get into that momentum I've been having these days. It was also interesting that before I realised I had this resistance I was trying to copy the good momentum which have been going on these days, so that created more slipperiness and dishonesty in my mind, but it felt really good when I was able to catch what was going on, and that increased the positive qualites in my mind, such as faith in the method and enthusiasm for this path. Now that the meditation is over I feel re-freshed and optimistic again.

Edited September 20, 2022 by Thittato

[Thittato]

No meditation yesterday. 45 min today. Today was also not a smooth sit like what I have been reporting a lot about lately. I’m having some conflicting thoughts and emotions about some of my close friendships these days, which are dominating my meditations.

[Thittato]

45 min meditation today as well. The groove is back. Really nice and energizing meditation. I was going through something emotional for a couple of days. Seems like that is how it always is. Life keeps flowing between expansions and contractions.

[Thittato]

45 min meditation today as well. Not fully in the groove, but still a pretty nice meditation.