My meditation journal

[Thittato]

One month pause from Cannabis (trying again from today hahha.....)

Okei, so I ended up smoking again today with a really good friend and we had a really awesome time together, so I broke my attempt at having a one month pause already today, but the pause starts again from tomorrow (or actually from right now as I'm not going to smoke anymore tonight). And this time the pause is not negotiable. I figured we were having such a good time today that it became natural to round it off with my buddy today instead as we were having a few Christmas beers and the atmosphere was just so good. But I need to take this seriously, as I really need a break in order to keep up with everything I need to keep up with in my life.

After my friend left I did 3 rounds of Wim Hof breathing, then I did some weight-lifting, and then I did a good and long cold shower. This day has just been totally awesome, and this was just a really perfect part of it. It feels like I'm done with ganja yoga for now. I was considering doing a session today as I was already stoned, but figured I'm probably done with it for some time.

So anyways. Great day. Great practice. And the pause has already started again.

[Thittato]

3 more rounds of Wim Hof breathing today. So awesome. The cold shower mentioned in last post was also really awesome. I think I'm gradually shifting over into making the Wim Hof method my main spiritual practice for this winter, as it was last winter. It was a Ganja Yoga fall, which has gradually turned into a Wim Hof winter. It is funny though, that I still haven't done an ice bath this winter. Seems like a lot of people who were manic about ice bathing last winter hasn't quite turned onto it yet this winter. But it is coming. I still love the cold showers, and I've been doing them pretty regularly for a year now, and I remember ice bathing was easier for me than cold showers, so it should certainly be just as accessible this winter. It will become a really interesting project to shake off the ganja fogginess and get into the clearity and crispiness of the Wim Hof method.

[Thittato]

Winter solstice

Today is winter solstice, and I started the day together with the mantra group I was chanting together with on sunday. We met at a pretty awesome mountain top with a view over the ocean and where the sun is rising, all of us faced towards the sun. As the sun was rising we chanted the Gayatri Mantra 108 times. It was a really beautiful ceremony. When I came home I did 3 rounds of Wim Hof breathing and took a good and long cold shower. I like the symbolism of this being being the start of my one month without cannabis much better. Using Ganja Yoga and Cannabis into the fall as it gets darker and darker, and there is something very esoteric and mysterious about the cannabis vibe, but also something very foggy and unclear, so it is an interesting symbol to use it into the fall until we reach the darkest of all days, stopping at the zero point, and then as it turns and the days starts to gradually get lighter again, to have this shifting point as the point were I let the cannabis go (at least for a month to begin with - possible longer) and then turn towards the cold and the winter to get energy from those elements through the Wim Hof method and to let this method gradually carry me into lighter days again.

[Thittato]

First winter-bath this season.

Finally! So awesome!

I did 3 rounds of Wim Hof breathing early in the day, and then I did 3 more rounds and some weight-lifting in the evening before I went down to the beach and did my first winter-bath for this season. It was so beautiful. It was even snowing. Holy smokes that felt satisfying.

This is also my second day without cannabis. Gosh. I feel like I'm totally addicted already. But I'm really averse towards being consumed by something like that every day, so I probably have some good and healthy feedback-systems going. Also it gets boring being stoned so often. I mean, I like to experience all the variety that life has to offer, and it seems like I'm better able to enjoy all of that without that foggy cloud in my head that cannabis gives me. So now I'm just looking forward to clearing up again, and I think this first winter-bath for this season was very supportive in that regard.

[Thittato]

3 more rounds of Wim Hof breathing before going to bed. So good. I'm very enthusiastic about the Wim Hof method again. Also I'm really glad I have some experience with it over time now so that I don't get so obsessive about it as I used to get in the beginning.

Edited December 23, 2021 by Thittato

[Preety_India]

 

 

[Thittato]

13 hours ago, Preety_India said:

 

 

Merry Christmas and Happy New Year!! :-)

[Thittato]

3 rounds of Wim Hof breathing and a cold shower, today. This is the 3rd day without cannabis. Gosh. My mind is clearing up. Yesterday, and the day before, was pretty terrible. I was having a lot of aversion towards this foggy state of mind I've been in. Usually when I quit cannabis I have a counter-reaction towards it. Everything that seemed appealing about it suddenly feels like the opposite. But I'm sure it will be integrated, because I think all the ganja yoga I did was really beneficial to me. So I'm thinking about it as a medicine that has some side-effects, and now I'm done with the medicine for this time, and I'm greatful for the benefits it has given me and now I just have to ride out a few pretty mild side-effects for a few days.

Edited December 23, 2021 by Thittato

[Thittato]

3 rounds of Wim Hof breathing, weight-lifting, and a cold shower. So nice! I've found a really powerful and efficient weight-lifting program consisting of full-body exercises with kettlebells and dumbbells. The kettlebell snatch is the "peak pose" of this program. Today the kettlebell snatch felt better than ever before. This is also the 4th day without cannabis. Now I'm really starting to like the idea that I have been using cannabis as a medicine together with Ganja Yoga in order to trigger and release the paranoia that it triggered in me in my late teens and early 20's. Psychotherapy first, and then the Wim Hof method was really efficient at bringing my anxiety levels down to a normal level, but whatever I could find and trigger through Ganja Yoga seemingly brought my anxiety further down. And now I'm fully returning back to the Wim Hof method for this winter in order to integrate everything that happened in-between last winter and this winter. I feel proud of myself for taking this pause from cannabis, and I feel that the medicinal effects it has given me will be further enhanced by taking a pause from it. I was starting to tip over into something that could have turned into a stoner lifestyle, and I think that would have totally undermined the medicinal effects I was getting.

[Thittato]

3 rounds of Wim Hof breathing, and a cold shower, today. 5th day without cannabis. My mind is clearing up more and more. Seems like, unfortunately, I’m not able to enjoy my job so much when I smoke in the evenings. Which is kind of sad. I’m bored and irritated at my job when I’m in that foggy mindstate from having smoked cannabis the day before. My main motivation for taking a break this time was because I was afraid it would start to become noticeable in my job-performance that I wasn’t quite at my best anymore. But this period of smoking was fun as hell, and it was very meaningful for my yoga-practice to explore Ganja Yoga. So it feels like I was taking a break just at the right time, and now I can enjoy having a much richer understanding of cannabis-culture and a lot of new cool experiences that I can look back at. I have also philosophised a lot together with friends and really expressed myself and my thoughts, and I have been playing a lot of guitar while high, so I think I have grown a lot from this period. I think I’m also more relaxed as a person, and I take myself less seriously, so it was a great period. Also I’m not leaving cannabis with that bitterness I used to leave it with before when I would get burned from the paranoia it so quickly used to give me. So all in all a really fun project to explore Cannabis and Ganja Yoga for approximately half a year. I even got to kayak two times while high, which was really awesome. It was also really cool to become much better at rolling joints. It was a very nice little ritual to have. So now I can enjoy my mind clearing up while at the same time having gained a lot of valuable experiences. I have to say to biggest benefit it gave me was probably how deeply relaxed I felt when I combined it with Ganja Yoga. That relaxation was really putting things into perspective. I also think because of this relaxation I have learned to enjoy my own company much more. I also really liked to keep my place tidy and clean while smoking, so that was part of the «rolling a joint» ritual - to first clean up my place - so those habits have also been strengthened. It was also a really cool thing to explore through journaling. Like I always need to do something new that can trigger my journaling-habit to intensify. Somehow it was also a burden, and it feels like a burden has been lifted off my shoulders now that I’m «free» from it again. Life has so much fun to offer, and it feels great to re-affirm how much I enjoy being sober. Maybe the most stressful thing about cannabis is the feeling that when I have some at home I’m just waiting for the opportunity to use it again and everything else just feels like waiting. It probably doesn’t have to be that way - but there is something very addictive about it that just gradually lures you more and more into it, and very quickly ones whole life is centered around it. Anyways, this is only a one month break to begin with. But I think it is very important that I’m honest about this other side of it as well, and not just my enthusiasm. Cannabis has always had this double-edged sword to me, and that seems to continue even though all in all my experience was much more positive this time.

[Thittato]

3 rounds of Wim Hof breathing, weight-lifting, and a cold shower. So nice. Gosh. I love my kettlebell snatches. They are perfect. First some full-body dumbbell exercises, and then 10 kettlebell snatches on each hand with a 20 kg kettlebell. It is only a very short, but intense program. I'm waiting to go on and add numbers to my kettlebell snatches. Seems like if I do this every other day I'm getting better and better at these exercises. It was wrong to start with such a heavy weight. I would have advanced much quicker if I had started lighter, but now it seems like my body is starting to get fully adjusted. I can do them with power and confidence now, and feeling safe at the same time. Right arm is much stronger, but left arm is catching up too. Wim Hof breathing was amazing again today. Yesterday there was no flow and I struggled to keep my breath retention, but today was really good.

[Thittato]

8th day without cannabis today. No practice today or yesterday. I was working 4 night-shifts in a row that ended yesterday, so I was sort of crashing after that. I’ve been having a strong emotional reaction for these days. An old friend that I have a difficult past with contacted me. Not sure if my emotional reaction is related to quitting cannabis, or if there are some old triggers going on. But I better act wisely regarding how I respond to him, because my emotional reaction might be amplified by quitting cannabis, so I have to give it a couple of days to sort out what is what.

Edited December 28, 2021 by Thittato

[Thittato]

3 rounds of Wim Hof breathing today both in the morning and in the evening.

[Thittato]

A new breakthrough in my guitar-playing.

Holy smokes! This has gradually been developing over some months now, but I can finally see that my guitar-playing is really starting to grow. I'm not just repeating old patterns anymore, but I'm continuously adding on new things to my vocabulary. I have enough tools in my toolbox now that I can alternate back and forth between so that it never gets boring to play, and all the different tools mutually continue to strenghten each other and gives me a lot of inspiration to add on new things. I'm not exactly sure why I don't feel stuck anymore, but I think it has a lot to do with realizing I can just trust my inclinations and I don't need to form a picture in my head about where this is supposed to lead. I can just practice whatever I feel inspired to practice, and now I have enough skills to alternate between so that it just continues to grow. There is of course some very clear patterns that I'm repeating, which is the foundation for everything, but on top of that I'm just adding on whatever I'm inspired by that particular day. I also like to repeat everything that I have learned so far, so that I quickly play through my whole vocabulary in order to rehearse it and strengthen it. My mental attiude towards this has also changed. I think I have become more honest about how stuck and frustrated I feel at times, but I'm learning not to feed those sensations and instead bringing in a much wiser thought in my head that tells me the right things in order to keep me motivated and relaxed about the process. It feels like I'm on the brink of this thing really opening up now. This is one of my biggest dreams - to experience flow and growth in my guitar-playing. And it feels like I'm already living that dream. Everytime I pick up my guitar these days I find it very enjoyable. That is all I have been asking for. As always it is about getting out of my head and into the present and just enjoying the process. Holy smokes how frustrated I've been about this before. Haha. Always struggling trying to get somewhere based on some picture in my head about where I'm supposed to be.

Guitar-playing can totally be a much better thing to go deeper with than all these things I've been exploring this pandemic: rollerskating, skydiving, kayaking, rock climbing, etc. It will totally fullfill, and more, whatever I was searching for in all those things.

I just figured lately that what I need is a daily creative discipline with something, and *boom* when I decided I was going to focus on guitar for a while now regarding that, suddenly I was starting to think and feel so much better about the whole thing. I've been playing pretty consistently now for a long time, but this thing has really been growing now over the last months. Not long ago I was telling a friend about my ambitions and frustrations with guitar, and it simply said: It sounds like you need discipline. And that really hit home. And now I'm just really starting to experience how fun and creative a guitar-playing discipline can be.

I'm also a very competitive person. I always try to beat my friends in whatever we do. Haha. But I've always sucked so hard in guitar-playing compared to so many of my friends who are gifted muscicians. But now I can totally see that I'm going to do whatever it takes to catch up with them. It just take focus, discipline and to keep on nurturing my ambitions. Guitar is also I really cool thing I can use in my job as a social worker, so whatever skills I develop here will totally enhance my career. In fact I already use guitar in my job every so often whenever I'm working with a patient who likes to play or who likes to sing mantras or listen to me sing mantras as a way of getting help to relax.

Basically I just need to continue this good habit of not beating myself up anymore about it and instead continue to enjoy it as I have been doing lately.

[Thittato]

Cold shower, 3 rounds of Wim Hof breathing, and weight-lifting today. Really awesome day. 10th day without cannabis. I'm pretty sure flow-states when I'm at my job are waaaaay more accessible when I'm not in a perid where I frequently smoke. My job just seems so much more interesting again. The flow I was in today was just really amazing.

Edited December 30, 2021 by Thittato

[Thittato]

Second winter-bath this season.

I celebrated New Years Eve together with some good friends. We had a really awesome music-jam, and at midnight when we went out to see the fireworks I took a bath in the sea. Pretty awesome to be in the sea while the fireworks exploded everywhere. I was pretty ecstatic afterwards. I also did 3 rounds of Wim Hof breathing twice yesterday, and some weight-lifting. I worked day-shift yesterday, and I was in a really awesome flow. No practice today yet, except I have been jamming with my friends a lot.

[Thittato]

3 rounds of Wim Hof breathing today. Nothing else. Very tired today. Glad I'm having some days off work. 13th day without cannabis.

[Thittato]

3 rounds of Wim Hof breathing, 10 min of full-body weight-lifting exercises, 20 min of vinyasa flow yoga, and a good and long cold shower. Gosh. I really love the kettlebell snatch that I'm doing. My whole body gets stronger from it. I'm noticing new little things all the time. Like how my grip strength improves. Or how many muscles are activated when you drop the bell to the floor again after having had it over the head - it activates so many muscles when you have to break it at the end so that it doesn't slam into the floor. That is where the grip strength gets the most activated as well. The exercise also activates some really strong psychological forces when you have lifted the bell over your head and the body is fully activated. It is a very strong power pose. I have a really efficient 10 min high intensity program now.

[Thittato]

3 rounds of Wim Hof breathing, 10 min of weight-lifting, and a cold shower.

[Thittato]

Third winter-bath this season.

A friend invited me to join for a winter-bath this evening. I hesitated but I joined. Doesn't feel like I have the same drive on this as I had last winter. I was more frustrated about the pandemic and everything last winter, and winter-bathing offered a huge release regarding those frustrations. There are a lot less frustrations to release these days. But now that I'm just out of the shower after my third winter-bath I feel super-fresh. So maybe I just haven't got into the groove about it yet. It certainly is a very fresh and up-lifting thing.