When she really piss you off

[F A B]

Background: I am in a long distance relationship.

When we are together, face to face, no problem.

But when we are far from each other, sometimes I really want to text her back with " fuck off " 

Anyway, I have never done that. When it happens to me, I use to wait for some hours, or even some days, until my anger is gone.

I think it's a matter of pride. I don't want to be the one who always says "good morning" first or be the one who always asks for a video call, so there could be times when we don't communicate for a whole week. Then one of us comes forward and we restart to text like nothing happened, but I feel really frustrated inside.

Edited December 22, 2018 by F A B

[ajasatya]

@F A B ldrs suck unless both are very mature. good luck.

[zambize]

I would say something, if she can't handle you at least bringing it up, then y'all aren't going to be able to solve problems together

[Azote]

Don't you text "fuck off" to clingy people, and not the opposite of that lol?

[universe]

Has it always been like this?

Could be that she is just a passive person, or could be that you become needy.

[Emerald]

Instead of saying "fuck off", tell her how you actually feel and why you feel that way. This should start to open up dialogue without you needing to swallow your pride about things or pretend you're over something. But you're also not being hurtful yourself.

It's a matter of being able to communicate clearly to her how you feel and why. Then hopefully she is mature enough to engage in the dialogue too without resorting to flinging insults.

And this is best to talk about her behavior and it's effects on you instead of one her as a person's effects on you. So, something she does/did, instead of something she is.

[Toby]

People function in different ways. For some texting and videocalling is really uninteresting; for others it's more important. You know, there is for example this book "5 languages of love" that speaks about this.

Edited December 22, 2018 by Toby

[NoSelfSelf]

@Emerald This never works she will percieve him as weak and do it more often to make sure he isnt

@F A B sheldule a weekly skype date why bother texting texting is just for making plans

[zambize]

Just now, NoSelfSelf said:

@Emerald This never works she will percieve him as weak and do it more often to make sure he isnt

@F A B sheldule a weekly skype date why bother texting texting is just for making plans

So you're suggesting he should not tell her how he feels?

[NoSelfSelf]

@zambize Yes because he should use texting for making plans and leave her to chase him and asking about what hes doing...he should work on his purpose and spilling his emotions would only cause unecessary things because its virtual thing and him thinking he has to text or something bad would happen

[zambize]

1 minute ago, NoSelfSelf said:

@zambize Yes because he should use texting for making plans and leave her to chase him and asking about what hes doing...he should work on his purpose and spilling his emotions would only cause unecessary things because its virtual thing and him thinking he has to text or something bad would happen

Maybe but I wouldn't want to be in a relationship in which I couldnt share my feelings, could just be me projecting my own needs in a relationship 

[NoSelfSelf]

@zambize when it comes to face to face interaction you should say things that bother you in that moment when its happening but not arguing or get super emotional showing you cant handel some little thing she does ...

[zambize]

2 minutes ago, NoSelfSelf said:

@zambize when it comes to face to face interaction you should say things that bother you in that moment when its happening but not arguing or get super emotional showing you cant handel some little thing she does ...

Yeah I partially agree with you,  I broke up with my ex because she did a lot of small stuff like texting goodmorning but I really feel like it was her being insecure looking for me to say something back for her own emotional needs.  Maybe this is the case here, she probably needs more space or wants to break up with you.  I tried to create distance in hopes that she would let me message back when I was ready instead of suffocating, so maybe shes trying to do that to him.  I'd let her go or give her the space she wants then, if she doesnt come back unfortunately she just doesnt want to 

[NoSelfSelf]

@zambize No dude girls text goodmornings and what are you doing call you 5 times a day because they want to feel your presence(when they love you) they are made to recieve the man presence and let go(if you ignore her then she will think you dont care )...thats why they first make it hard for so she can be sure you will protect her heart...but yeah they are more insecure than men it has to be that way because they are emotional when guy does that its complete turn off...

[Emerald]

43 minutes ago, NoSelfSelf said:

@Emerald This never works she will percieve him as weak and do it more often to make sure he isnt

@F A B sheldule a weekly skype date why bother texting texting is just for making plans

If it's a real relationship, a psychologically healthy woman won't do this. And if she takes his honesty relative to his emotions as an invitation for negative behavior, then she is a toxic person and the relationship should end. (not saying the OP's girlfriend is like that, just responding to your thoughts.)

From your response, it seems like you probably don't have very much experience in relationships. And perhaps the relationships you have been in haven't lasted that long. So, you have a lot of ideas about how things are that are incongruent with reality. 

But as someone who has spent almost half of my life in 2 committed relationships, I'll tell you that you can't think of a relationship as functioning similar to the initial relationship dynamic where everyone is trying to maintain attraction and see what the other person is made of. The dynamic is completely different once things get more serious. And if the dynamic remains the same, it's unhealthy and will be a drag on both people's lives.

So, if it's a real relationship, then authenticity is 100% necessary. And honest communication is the crux of a strong relationship.

Now, if it's not a real relationship, then why care about this issue in the first place.

A real relationship only works through authenticity and honest communication. Without these, it's just a facade.

And women HATE this because it makes them feel unstable and unsupported because they don't even know the person they're with. A high quality woman with self-respect and high self-esteem will leave a man who can't be honest about his feelings, as it's just too stressful to be with someone like that. (Not saying the OP is like that. Again, just responding you your thoughts)

And not being able to honestly communicate emotions without resorting to insults is itself a sign of weakness, immaturity, lack of clarity, lack of assertiveness, lack of emotional intelligence, and instability in a man. A man who shows no emotional clarity, equanimity, and mastery of his emotions is very unappealing. 

As a 29 year old, I've had a four year relationship with my first serious boyfriend and an almost 9 year relationship that I'm currently in with my husband. And if they wouldn't have been able to be honest with me, neither of those relationships would have gotten that far.

[NoSelfSelf]

@Emerald Yeah i was honest and it didnt go well relationships would be so easy then every time i have some problem ill spill my emotions on her to deal with it you think your husband is 100% honest with you he probably say stuff only when its really necessary and thing built up inside....if everybody is high quality emotionaly stable people we wont have relationship it would be reserved for the elite...im openminded i can change my mind but this is what i got from direct experience so far....

[Emerald]

6 hours ago, NoSelfSelf said:

@Emerald Yeah i was honest and it didnt go well relationships would be so easy then every time i have some problem ill spill my emotions on her to deal with it you think your husband is 100% honest with you he probably say stuff only when its really necessary and thing built up inside....if everybody is high quality emotionaly stable people we wont have relationship it would be reserved for the elite...im openminded i can change my mind but this is what i got from direct experience so far....

My husband is actually a very emotional kind of person, so he shares his emotions with me nearly every day. He suffers from anxiety and it helps him to talk to me about it. So, he does share quite frequently. And he's at his most stable and calm when he does because he's not in the emotions when he shares. He's in the observing mindset about it instead of reacting down in the emotion.

So, the ability to share emotions instead of reacting from them is a totally different thing. Sharing from the emotions and communicating them before there is a reaction and an over-taking of emotion, is actually what helps people develop equanimity in relation to their emotions. When I imagine a really mature masculine man, I imagine a person who can communicate his internal workings accurately and with a sense of equanimity and honesty. 

Plus, he knows that I'm not going to judge him for his anxiety as long as he is respectful to me. So, the sense of not being judged by the person you're in a relationship with is very important to being able to share this way. And if there isn't a lack of judgment, then it isn't a real relationship.

Have you ever been in a relationship where you didn't feel like you needed to perform a facade to maintain it? If not, you've never been in a real relationship.

[NoSelfSelf]

@Emerald i can tell you hes really lucky to have you...i was sharing and acting naturally(sharing etc) like you describe but these days girls have no patience with those things if they see that you have some problem they move on .... 

[Emerald]

36 minutes ago, NoSelfSelf said:

@Emerald i can tell you hes really lucky to have you...i was sharing and acting naturally(sharing etc) like you describe but these days girls have no patience with those things if they see that you have some problem they move on .... 

Well, it just depends on who you're around and if they're really a match to you. 

Also, my husband and I had been together for a few months before we settled into our life together. So, that's when we started being more open and the relationship became more about connection than about the initial attraction dynamic.

That's why I said that, "if it's a real relationship" then your concerns won't be an issue. A relationship is basically a really deep friendship once it gets past the initial attraction dynamic. So, authenticity is 100% necessary. Otherwise, you can't relax into the situation. You're always going to be performing a facade.

Prior to this settling in period, everything is just for fun and it's all about forging the heat of an attraction. So, a lot of times getting too emotional in the initial phases can be a red flag because it can reveal too much attachment and clinginess. Women are also attracted to more stoic men who can hold their emotions and are not controlled by them. So, it may douse the flames that are forging you together. So, timing is important too.

So, it could be that you started being too emotional too soon before the initial stage was over. Now, authenticity is still necessary in the initial stage, but you still want to put your best foot forward as it's all about courtship. 

Now, of course, there can just be women out there that are toxic or dysfunctional who would perceive a man having emotions as a weakness. But you don't want to be with them anyway, as they will drag your life down. You should be with someone who accepts you and sees you having feelings as normal. Otherwise, you're way better off alone than with someone you have to constantly pretend around. 

[NoSelfSelf]

@Emerald yeah i was mixing attraction stage and relationship faze..."problem" is that i think that the girl i want is not attracted to the man i am now so im trying to change...