It bothers me when a girl has (ex) boyfriends

[Eric Tarpall]

When a girl has a boyfriend it feels like she's cheating on me. And if she's had a boyfriend in the past it makes me really uncomfortable. I want to be the only male in her life. Does anyone know the psychology behind this? 

For example if I have a crush on a girl and she has an ex boyfriend I can't stop picturing her in my mind being together with that dude. I'm disgusted by that and it makes me sad.

[sarapr]

well good luck finding a girl with no ex 

get used to it

[ajasatya]

@Eric Tarpall what about the girls you've been with? does it make them less valuable? shouldn't it be otherwise?

when i was a little younger i promised myself that i'd never date another girl that had never dated another guy before. they're so insecure and inexperienced. it's quite frustrating, actually.

[Eric Tarpall]

44 minutes ago, ajasatya said:

what about the girls you've been with?

I've never been with a girl.

44 minutes ago, ajasatya said:

when i was a little younger i promised myself that i'd never date another girl that had never dated another guy before.

That's kinda weird to me. Doesn't it gross you out that she has given her love & sex to some other dude in the past?

[Matt8800]

2 hours ago, Eric Tarpall said:

When a girl has a boyfriend it feels like she's cheating on me. And if she's had a boyfriend in the past it makes me really uncomfortable. I want to be the only male in her life. Does anyone know the psychology behind this? 

For example if I have a crush on a girl and she has an ex boyfriend I can't stop picturing her in my mind being together with that dude. I'm disgusted by that and it makes me sad.

Yes, its called mate-guarding. Its common behavior among many species of apes.

You are hard-wired for it. 

 

[ajasatya]

12 minutes ago, Eric Tarpall said:

That's kinda weird to me. Doesn't it gross you out that she has given her love & sex to some other dude in the past?

do you think you can own someone? nobody is giving anything to anybody. people enjoy spending time together with those they like.

if you're in the company of a lady, be grateful. she doesn't owe you anything in the first place.

Edited December 22, 2018 by ajasatya

[Zigzag Idiot]

We are nearly all conditioned by Patriarchality.

I realize this more when I can put myself in a woman's perspective and just sit with it for a while.

[Shin]

14 minutes ago, Eric Tarpall said:

I've never been with a girl.

That's kinda weird to me. Doesn't it gross you out that she has given her love & sex to some other dude in the past?

It only hurts because inconsciously you think you're unworthy to get sex or love  

+  

Those things are seen as important for your sense of worth/You think you can't be happy without them.

 

So you're projecting you're frustration on people who experience this and secretly despise them for having things they should give you, but don't.

 

[aurum]

@Eric Tarpall

Everything you just wrote is not only delusional, but it's filled with a false sense of self-importance.

It's not going to happen. Unless your plan is to go to the Middle East and find some virgin girl who has had her sexuality repressed for the sake of your insecurities, no girl is not going to have been with a guy in the past.

Look at how much you're making this all about you. You don't want her to have a boyfriend. You don't want her to have a sexual past. You want to be the only man in her life.

What about her?

Do you even give a shit about what maybe she wants?

Waiting around for you to come and bless her with your magic dick isn't exactly in her best interests. She probably wants sex. She probably wants the comfort and security of a boyfriend.

Really step into her shoes and care about her needs.

[eleveneleven]

5 hours ago, Matt8800 said:

Yes, its called mate-guarding. Its common behavior among many species of apes.

You are hard-wired for it. 

 

I could be mistaken, but most apes (orangutans, chimps, and bonobos) don't really mate guard, except for gorillas. At any rate, there are plenty of humans that transcend the need to mate guard, so I doubt it's hard-wired in humans, either. It's probably just a common response to insecurity, but just because it's common doesn't mean it's natural or that there's some bro science "genetic" explanation for it.

More importantly, though, OP doesn't have a girlfriend, so he's not mate guarding. He is having feelings of jealousy and insecurity over a theoretical partner that he doesn't even have.

[Eric Tarpall]

27 minutes ago, aurum said:

It's not going to happen. Unless your plan is to go to the Middle East

Limiting belief.

27 minutes ago, aurum said:

Do you even give a shit about what maybe she wants?

I care about what girls want but of course I care more about my own wants. Is a girl going to step into my shoes and care about my needs? Probably not. She's gonna put her own needs first and she should.

[aurum]

17 minutes ago, Eric Tarpall said:

Limiting belief.

I care about what girls want but of course I care more about my own wants. Is a girl going to step into my shoes and care about my needs? Probably not. She's gonna put her own needs first and she should.

Rationalizations. Of course you should meet your needs, but not by imposing how you think she should behave for your benefit.

[Sukhpaal]

I experienced this directly in my last relationship. It is just you being insecure about yourself. I hated that my ex girlfriend had an ex boyfriend and it was an issue for some months. Just remember, whatever girl you meet, she had a life before she met you. She wasn't stored away in some facility abstaining from sexual acts just to save herself for you.  

[Dan Arnautu]

@Eric Tarpall The 21st century dilemma. Guys want girls as pure as virgin Mary, as good in bed as a pornstar and as faithful as a dog. 

[Sukhpaal]

@Dan Arnautu This. We live in fantasies that are very unrealistic. 

[Emerald]

11 hours ago, Eric Tarpall said:

When a girl has a boyfriend it feels like she's cheating on me. And if she's had a boyfriend in the past it makes me really uncomfortable. I want to be the only male in her life. Does anyone know the psychology behind this? 

For example if I have a crush on a girl and she has an ex boyfriend I can't stop picturing her in my mind being together with that dude. I'm disgusted by that and it makes me sad.

It's a result of scarcity mindset and a low sense of self-worth that creates a deep insecurity in you.

And that insecurity translates outwardly as jealousy, possessiveness, desperation, clinginess, self-importance, and feelings of entitlement toward women who aren't involved with you.

[Shin]

7 hours ago, Dan Arnautu said:

@Eric Tarpall The 21st century dilemma. Guys want girls as pure as virgin Mary, as good in bed as a pornstar and as faithful as a dog. 

Don't forget,

«Accept to get fucked in the ass in the first 5 minutes, and like to swallow cum»

?

[Spiral]

Slightly different topic, but if a girl has had plenty of boyfriends, and those relationships didn’t last very long I get discouraged.

[Eric Tarpall]

10 hours ago, Dan Arnautu said:

 The 21st century dilemma. Guys want girls as pure as virgin Mary, as good in bed as a pornstar and as faithful as a dog. 

Having high standards as a male is a rare thing. I used to have very low standards but that made me feel pathetic. A girl has to be pure, feminine, innocent and she has to chase me a little bit before I want her. If she doesn't have those qualities I still love her but I'm not gonna do business with her.

10 hours ago, Emerald said:

It's a result of scarcity mindset and a low sense of self-worth that creates a deep insecurity in you.

Hmm I guess increasing my self worth can't hurt. I'll try that. I feel like it's already pretty high but I might be deluding myself. 

1 hour ago, Spiral said:

Slightly different topic, but if a girl has had plenty of boyfriends, and those relationships didn’t last very long I get discouraged.

Even if she's had only one relationship that lasted many years she will be more likely to break up with you because of that.

And she's not able to give her full self to you because her heart is broken & fragmented. Each ex has a piece of her heart. So the more exes she has the smaller her heart is.

Edited December 23, 2018 by Eric Tarpall

[Dan Arnautu]

4 minutes ago, Eric Tarpall said:

Having high standards as a male is a rare thing. I used to have very low standards but that made me feel pathetic. A girl has to be pure, feminine, innocent and she has to chase me a little bit before I want her. If she doesn't have those qualities I still love her but I'm not gonna do business with her.

Even if she's had only one relationship that lasted many years she will be more likely to break up with you because of that. 

Having high standards is one thing. Having unrealistic ones is a whole different thing. 

If you want girls who never had a relationship or sex, go to a monastery and get yourself a nun. 

Also, one long relationship doesn't translate to increased chances of breaking up with you. It indicates just the opposite. She knows how to maintain a commited relationship.

People can break up for all sorts of valid reasons.

I would be more worried if I was with a girl who never had a relationship. She can break up with you solely based on her relationship fears and insecurities, which are usually overcomed with relationship experience.