My Path Of Ascension

[Shab-e Ma_araj]

Hello, this is my first post. I don't know if logs are encouraged here or not. I've spent the last two years relentlessly chasing women and documenting my success on a red pill male improvement forum. Growing up with little to no self-confidence, I surprised myself the last two years with the insane amount of success with women I was able to achieve. Then I started getting into mediation, so naturally I stumbled across some of Leo's videos and then I learned about enlightenment.

My initial plan was to chase women for another few years and then settle down with a girlfriend and focus on business and having a family. But the more I read/heard about enlightenment the less I cared about women and money. I started watching videos by Leo everyday. Then I read Eckhart Tolle's book. Then I started watching his videos, then Mooji, Rupert Spira, Allan Watts, etc. In short it was all I could think about. And one day, seemingly by the grace of God, I just dropped everything regarding the women and money. I quit cutting my hair/beard. Stopped worrying about my style so much. Biggest change though = I completely stopped chasing women without even a second thought. When one of the girls I used to date found out I wasn't chasing women anymore, she decided she could be my friend again. Then we started dating. I was planning on going celibate and focusing full force on enlightenment, but it seemed like the universe put her back in my life for a reason. So I went with it. The relationship was great for a few months and then my deep-seated insecurities and trust issues got the better of me and I broke it off with her. She's the sweetest girl and the only one I really cared about but I just didn't trust her. Plus I just wanted to meditate all day. And she was getting fed up with me not caring about my looks or anything like that anymore. Not to mention her and her friends were pretty disgusted when they found out about my detailed accounts of my sexual exploits that I used to share on private forums. So I just ended it with her. I miss her real bad but everyday I'm making big strides on my spiritual path

What I'm up to now = I have not a care in the world other than enlightenment and missing my girlfriend. But I'm banking on the idea that what I will get will be infinitely more rewarding than anything the world can offer. I just go to school. Meditate for 1 to 4 hours a day. Plant trees and flowers at my house. Clean up my house/projects, etc. Try to maintain awareness during my daily activities which is becoming easier and easier and the sense of doership is slowly fading away. Having random bouts of euphoria, seemingly on the brink of mystical experiences. I read scriptures every night now such as the teachings of Ramana Maharshi, The Bible, the literature of Sufi mystic and Persian poet Rumi, etc. I am a Persian linguist so I really enjoy translating Rumi's poems about enlightenment into English. 

Another cool thing is that a few days ago I had my first lucid dream which I take as yet another sign of progress. As I have read in countless places that deep sleep is the realm of God free of ego/body and I have been focusing on building awareness in the waking state so as to go into sleep with awareness as well. Also I have generally become a much more peaceful person. Things don't bother me as much. I have a more compassionate outlook towards humankind and all of God's creatures/creations. I have become mostly a vegetarian and the muscle I put on during the last two years has been flying off now that I don't care about my looks. I don't really miss it.

Anyway, I'm not sure if this sort of log will end up being a hindrance or help to me, or if it's even allowed here but I generally just follow my intuition and whatever excites my spirit so we'll see what happens. Who knows, maybe this is how God will provide a master to me.

Edited April 12, 2016 by Shab-e Ma_araj

[Shab-e Ma_araj]

Ok, my first update. I was having a really rough day. Lack of discipline, lack of awareness. That's what I mean by bad day. And then I sat down for some meditation just now to try to "get back in gear" so to speak. Obviously I already know that words can never truly describe enlightenment so I'm just gonna do my best with the descriptions. Anyway, I found out just now that Ramana Maharshi's self inquiry is far superior to Eckhart Tolle's "just watching your thoughts unattached" when it comes to achieving a quiet mind and higher awareness so to speak. I'm saying this from my own experience, obviously others may disagree and that's ok. No disrespect to Eckhart Tolle. Anyway, by using self-inquiry just now I was able to completely quiet the mind almost (relatively speaking for my own newbie-ness). Whereas with the "just watching the thoughts thing" they were completely taking me over. Two caveats though, I was using Ramana Maharshi's method of self-inquiry. I highly suggest you pick up this book "Talks with Sri Ramana Maharshi" by Munagala Venkataramiah because it will definitely help on the path. It covers just about everything he said over a four year period and reveals his personality a bit too. Written by one of his devotees. The other caveat was this; you have to be very strict with the self-inquiry. The goal of inquiry is to beat the I-thought into submission by casting doubt on everything it says and seeking it's source. It works best if you are extremely strict and allow no thought to go free. Inquire as to the nature of every thought and they will subside. At least they did for me. Hope it helps. Later

Edited April 15, 2016 by Shab-e Ma_araj

[Dodo]

Don't know if you want any other comments in this, but I wanted to ask if you can explain the Maharshi's self inquiry?

[Shab-e Ma_araj]

@ Dodoster - Comments/questions are definitely welcome here. Maharshi's self inquiry is basically a stern rejection of any thought that comes up. Especially the i-thought. You question the nature of the i-thought enough and it beats it into submission. For example, if you think "why am I so distracted?" Then ask yourself "who is distracted?"

"We have so much shit to do today", then ask "who's we? Are there two of us?" Etc. etc. Eventually the i-thought stops coming up. And also when you seek the source of the i-thought you find out that it is non-existant. It only comes forth from the real Self; the I-I as he calls it

@ My Thread - Today perhaps was one of my biggest accomplishments so far in life. Normally I need a "restarting point" in order to get my monkey mind under control. I.e. walking into my house, getting into my car, waking up, etc. These are like thresholds where I can start over fresh. I've always been that way, a little ADHD/OCD. But today in the middle of driving my car home, I was able to pull my mind out of a sandstorm and finish the drive home with solid awareness. Perhaps that will go down as my biggest "accomplishment" so far in life. Hopefully I can keep it up and "accomplish my goal" of having strong awareness throughout the entire day. I'm trying to focus on that instead of enlightenment for now. I recognize that all of this is egoic but what can I do, that's still my identification. Ok, I'm done with this ego-fest. No more posting on here for me until I have a big break through.

 

Edited April 19, 2016 by Shab-e Ma_araj

[Shab-e Ma_araj]

Today some cool things happened. In a way it was a milestone day. Because I was able to achieve strength of awareness and a lack of a sense of doership throughout the majority of the 1.5 hours that I was pulling up dandelions on the driveway. By this I mean, while I was doing the weeding I was not caught up in the actions and identified with them like usual, rather they were taking care of themselves and I was watching the thoughts. This was a breakthrough. But I still have mountains to climb. I understand that this is the wrong way to think but it is what it is. That's why I limit my posts on this forum, so as to avoid creating a strong false-sense-of-self. Another big break-through achievement I have noticed is that I am able to maintain strong awareness throughout my time inside the house and during my house chores, so long as I am not researching things on the internet or reading (these things break my self-awareness readily). Driving in the car and walking to school were conquered months ago during the semester. Now I just need to put the pieces together and work more on the sense of doership and maintaining awareness during researching/reading. I still meditate between 1 and 5 hours daily on top of the informal awareness work. Another big challenge for me is maintaining awareness while at the grocery store (because the grocery store contains three big distractions for me: women, food and information processing... and so far maintaining self-awareness at the grocery store has been impossible because of these distractions). If I can break the grocery store and the researching and finish breaking the outside chores then I should be able to maintain relatively sustained awareness throughout an entire 12 hour period (1 day) and in effect I will be de facto meditating for 12 hours everyday without a sense of doership or personal choice. In fact, this is my goal to achieve within the next two days. I have set the goal to be able to maintain sustained awareness throughout the 12 hour day by Friday. Because, on Saturday I am going to my best friend's wedding and a while ago I decided that I must be well-established in one-pointedness of mind before going to the wedding. I want to be fully enlightened by July when I go on my beach vacation with my family and friends. Big time goals, I know. But yeah, anyway, tomorrow and Friday need to be really good which is why I am writing it here... so as to keep myself accountable

In other news, my ex and I have resumed friendship but we are not getting back together. We hang out about once a week. And we usually end up having sex by the end of the night even though we are both trying to avoid giving in to this type of temptation. I still have a lot of negative thoughts and emotions regarding her. But I also love her very much. I want to get to the point soon where I have unconditional love for all of God's manifestations without regard for what they can bring to me and without any negative by-product feelings. And school is over for the rest of Summer and I have just now started looking for a summer job to hold me over until next semester

Chao

Edited May 5, 2016 by Shab-e Ma_araj

[Shab-e Ma_araj]

Another lucid dream, although not as strong as the first one. A sign of strengthened awareness none the less. Alright today is the second to last day to get this one-pointedness of mind down and then tomorrow is D-day

Starting... Right... Now

[Shab-e Ma_araj]

I haven't been able to log in for a long time. But I've still been making progress with the awareness work. I'm up to the point where I can maintain sustained awareness for about 10.75 hours of total waking time in a day. Although it's not the most intense but that should come in due course. And like always it's still 2 steps forward and 1 step backwards. Addiction to netflix, music, and sports is just about over with. Addiction to sex, masturbation, and junk food is still quite strong. And I hate what I have become since giving up the gym, getting laid and my meticulous grooming habits. I feel like a lame little weakling these days but I know I have bigger fish to fry (so to speak) than keeping up with these ephemeral worldly attachments. My garden is really benefiting all the extra time I have now too. And I also just got a part time job which has complicated things a bit

Edited May 26, 2016 by Shab-e Ma_araj

[Shab-e Ma_araj]

Today has been another milestone for me. I recognize that keeping track of my "progress" is yet another roadblock, as the true self is not a new state to be reached. That's why I only update this log after big milestones, eventually I should stop all together

But today I was able to maintain a low-level state of self-awareness for a full 14-hour day of wakefulness and also avoid junk food and sex/masturbation which have been my two biggest recent samsara wounds to scratch. What I mean is that I was able to constantly bring myself back to the self/or back to the present moment throughout the day (albeit not very strongly the whole day). But this did culminate in a trance-like state of attenuated mind and intense happiness/peace that lasted for about 10-20 minutes in the evening while meditating in my dads hot tub. It felt as though nirvikalpa samadhi was not far off. Even though I am not able to maintain that state for long, I can see that my hard-fought efforts are bringing me closer to the permanent habit of being in that state. I also cleaned up the whole garage. It looked so good I really wanted to tell Shody about it but I resisted the urge to reach out to her because I know that she is not good for me as it currently stands. Hopefully soon I will have a permanent imperturbable peace that will allow me to enjoy her company fully.

I found out about enlightenment 7.5 months ago. I started pursuing it wholeheartedly 5.5 months ago. So far I have had 2 small out-of-body experiences (one of them lasting a couple minutes, the other a couple seconds). I have had 2 lucid dreams (one clear as day, the other not so much) and I have had one experience of going into sleep with awareness and feeling my body begin to melt away but then I woke up. I have eliminated the urge to watch netflix, listen to music or keep up with sports. Eliminating these samsara wounds should help me merge with reality instead of scratching them to avoid it. And now I am at the point where I can continuously bring myself back to the present moment throughout the day. One of the cool things about today is that I now see that I can just be aware of the distraction/monkey-mind moments instead of freaking out about them. Now I just need to up the intensity. And knock out junk food and sex. The lack of discipline seems to be a big factor in my inability to resist the wandering mind. Ok enough talking about the false self and its "progress"

Edited June 4, 2016 by Shab-e Ma_araj