Getting Through Cheating History

[Steph]

Dear readers,

I am new to the forum and I would like to share my situation with you and ask you for advice. I would really appreciate it.

I feel that I have a very big and complex problem, based around a strong feeling of inadequacy and a subsequent need for approval from everyone. This feeling of inadequacy, or lack of self-confidence, is probably based in my childhood where I found out that I was the weird, smart and ugly kid. I thought girls would never like me, but in adolescence I found out that girls can like me and I started to run from relationship to relationship. However, next to that I went for every opportunity to cheat with virtually any girl that showed interest in me. I was compulsively looking for approval and a boost of my self-esteem. This way of life made me feel unhappy, which made me search for more thrills, which made me cheat even more until it spiraled out of control.

Last year my ex (with whom I cheated) told me that I might have an STD from her. I was forced to tell my current partner. This shock was huge for her. For me the confrontation was of an intensity that I never imagined, because I just never thought about how it would be if my horrible acts came out. I suddenly felt that I should leave my old self behind and together we decided that I would go to counseling and that I would work on myself in any possible way, through journaling, meditation, reading about psychology, etc. However, another facet of my confidence problem is problem avoidance and my inability to share my feelings. Forced by my partner I told two close people about my serial infidelity and together with these people we decided to keep talking about my problems, but this faded away because I stopped approaching them afterwards. I slipped back into my old habits of problem avoidance. I went to counseling, shared my infidelity experience there, but after that I focused the counseling on my general confidence problem. I do meditate and read about psychology, but I am not sharing my feelings with my partner, at least not when I am not forced to. And even though I haven’t cheated for over a year, I don’t know how I can be sure I won’t do it again if the opportunity arises. Now I feel that I never want to cheat again, but I just can’t imagine a situation in which I have the opportunity realistically.

The thing is that I feel that my problems are manifold and very big. I still lack confidence, still avoid conflict and hide my feelings, I still search for approval from people and I backslide into my obsession with my job and my ignorance of my personal problems. My partner suffers the most because she expected me to change, but somehow I lack the empathy to care for her feelings as much as for my own issues (which is another facet of my problem). I am now just desperate. I feel that I should redirect my counseling and not avoid these deep problems, but when my next counseling meeting comes in a month I might think otherwise and hide in my shell again. What makes me most desperate is my experience with this backsliding, my inability really to change and to become a more open person without such terrible things to hide. In summary, I am desperate that I will never really change.

Has anyone of you gone through such a massive desperation? Have you struggled as strongly as me with falling back to your old habits? If so, how did you break through this? If you have any idea of what I am going through, or if you have any advice, please let me know!

Thank you very much for your attention.

[MIARIVEL]

@Steph I honestly think you can not sort some of these issues until you learn to love yourself and be happy with the person you are. I understand the chase, the addiction, the thrill but people who chase after these things usually end up worse off and spiriling out of control, can reach severe depression later on if they don't address and face the issue. I understand 'cheating' can be like a drug to some people. However, just by you saying you want to change, is a great first step towards self improvement. However, the next step is making the decision to change. 

It is great you are seeing a counsellor but the only way problems will get fixed is if you open up. If you really honestly want to change your habits for the better, it is possible but you need to change your mindset on how you think about yourself and your partner. It is not fair to string anyone along just for the sake of having someone there or having someone there to constantly re-assure you. You should be your biggest cheerleader, your biggest motivator and your bestest friend. People's validation does make you feel good, but its temporary. Decide to become a victor not a victim.

What people say and think of you is not a reflection on you, it is a reflection of them. Whatever other people say or do, does not validate who we are as an individual. It is how you interpret messages you are hearing. Your opinion is the only opinion that should matter to you in this life because only you are going to get you to the life you want. Sure people can help you along the way and guide you, but when these people help you, make a decision to put 100% effort in to make the necessary changes, so you are happy and the people around you, love being around you. 

When you find the strength to be confident in yourself and who you are, you will no longer need the constant validation from others and this will actually draw other people to you. People are drawn to happy, confident, loyal and honest people. People will appreciate you more and want to know you and be around you and the happiness you see from those around you is a reflection of how you are to them. The energy you put out is the energy you get back. 

Sure things are easier said then done, but how badly do you want a better life? where is playing the victim going to get you? What do other people in your life really mean to you? Why do you need validation? What is the real reason you aren't confident in yourself?

 

[Steph]

@MIA.RIVEL Thanks for your response. You are right that I need to accept and love myself in order to not need the validation or thrill of cheating anymore. In this way it is indeed a kind of drug. But on the other hand I think that my problems are deeper rooted in that I lack empathy for people, especially my partner. I simply haven't realized enough how much I can hurt people, and if I did realize that somehow I couldn't feel the empathy or guilt well enough to stop the hurting behavior.

I do realize more and more that I really want to change my life for the better. I have seen that my old way of doing things made me unhappy, and that staying as I am now will keep on making me unhappy. But even though I realize it cognitively, I don't always realize it emotionally in order to prioritize this above anything else (such as my job). I guess that I need to look deeper into what makes me truly happy, why I searched for validation and thrills that have proven to make me unhappy, and how I am going to achieve this goal of changing my mindset and my behavior. I feel that the best way for guidance in this is to talk to people, be it my therapist, my partner, my close friends or family, as well as supportive people here on this forum.