Having trouble with family, advice needed.

[Groundloosers]

My name is Alex and I need some advice. My mother and father lived together with my three brother's untill I graduated highschool. When I decided to move out I did not have anywhere to go, so my brother and I were going to get an apartment together. My grandmother decided that she would buy us a place to live however my brother doesn't drive so he decided to stay at our family home where he could get a ride to work everyday. That left the place for me. However, I cannot afford the rent by myself so my mother( wanting to get away from my father) moved in with me). At first I did not mind living with her but over time she started developing hatred toward my father and would vent it to me in the form of verbal abuse. She has threatened to kick me out numerous times stating that when my grandmother passed away the condo is hers and she can do with it as she pleases. My middle brother didn't get along with my father at home too well, he would argue, and yell. At one point he pushed him into the wall creating a huge hole and eventually caused my dad to go to the ER for sholder pain. So my father told him he could not live at home anymore so having nowhere to go he moved in with my mother and I in our two bedroom condo. Having three people plus a dog in a two bedroom condo can be very crouted. Everytime I did something wrong that didn't please my mother she would threatened to take my keys away.  About a couple of days ago I was walking up the stairs to get in and i herd my mother open the door and say "that's it, I'm done, pack your $hit and get out. I asked her why and she told me that I wasn't living up to her expectations. Being furiated I just couldn't take it anymore, pulled the keys off my keyring, put them in her hand and said goodbye. I was now homeless, I spent the night in my car for about two days before going back to my childhood home to stay. I was watching Leo's YouTube clip about toxic people and all of his points matched the behavior of my mother, he also mentioned that you should try to cut toxic people out of your life, but I am having a hard time trying to, because she is my mother afterall. I feel that my mental and emotional health isn't worth it. I currently am homeless living in my car, I plan on going back to my home to live with my father untill I can find a place to live.

 

Thank you for listening to my very long story. God bless you and have a merry Christmas

Edited December 20, 2018 by Groundloosers
Didn't finish conversation, got interupted

[sword]

40 minutes ago, Groundloosers said:

I feel that my mental and emotional health isn't worth it.

I disagree. Wasting your potential as a result of keeping toxic people in your life will only lead to regret and resentment. I think the best thing you can do, for them and you, is to set a good example by becoming self-actualized. Eventually you will develop yourself to the extent where toxic people can no longer affect your energy field

[kev014]

Difficult situation you are in here, bud. How old are you? I'm assuming you aren't in a position financially where you could live on your own right now. If I were you I'd place this as priority number 1. You really don't need much money for rent, food and transportation if you are frugal. Could live on 2-3K/month fairly easily if you are responsible. Getting any basic job in a restaurant, construction, or retail should enable you to do this and get some grounding/sense of control over your life situation. You'll also have the physical, emotional and psychological space from your mom's negativity. If you want to keep her in your life, you can totally do that, but by taking action to move out on your own and create some very obvious boundaries (i.e. this is my space where I am in total control and you are a guest) you'll feel far more stable. Difficult decision to make but the increased autonomy will be huge for you as an individuating being transitioning from boyhood into manhood.

[Lorcan]

Ground Looser my brother. Put this thread in the Self-Actualized subsection instead of this one, a lot more people will see it there.

@Leo Gura @Emerald @Joseph Maynor @Shin @Shiva @K VIL @Truth Help a brother out.

In standing up to my parents. I found it useful to all the way when standing up to them. For example, if they ask for your phone, refuse to give them your phone. In your case, refuse to give her the keys, see if she calls the cops. Don't be afraid of that, let her do that.

The key is FIGHT not flight.

If they shout at you, roar back as loud and as intimidatingly as you can (put on you f*cking war voice) in order to get them to leave you alone.  Do not start arguments, with every new interaction with them, always be calm, but if they "start" on you, by being negative, kick in your war voice. "ARE YOU F*CKING STARTING ON ME?" 

Take my advice with a pinch of salt, I'll go into detail later, cant right now.

I hope you find peace on your journey.

If you need someone to talk to, add me on snapchat: lorcandbanter

or even message me on this forum.

Edited December 20, 2018 by Lorcan

[ajasatya]

@Groundloosers hello. thank you for telling us your story.

even though my parents weren't that toxic, i still had to leave them behind because i didn't feel i was growing up. so if i were in your situation i am 100% sure that i'd just gtfo and start my own life... my own journey to become a real grown up man.

you need to understand what you are and what you aren't. think about your deathbed... it's a good exercise. think of the crappy life that you're living because of toxic attachments. hell, what kinds of regrets do you want to avoid?

use your darkness as a fuel to build a wonderful life. if you need help with something specific, feel free to send me a pm. i'll be more than happy to help you grow out of the mud.

Edited December 20, 2018 by ajasatya

[K VIL]

^ this

Wish I could assist you more. Think, if you overcome it, how strong/creative/happier you will be.

 

[purerogue]

Well , being strong voiced against people in family can help to be at the top, but it will not fix your mothers toxicity, she will just be way less toxic to you, she might even care about you way more then before, that is just human nature to respect and attach to strong, it seems like way less effort to deal with strong people, as they can take care of them self, so taking, making action on them feels way less draining I think

Just do not give up on her, she is just very unhappy at the moment about everything, she is actually the one who needs help the most, to fix it she needs to find happiness and unfortunately  I do not know what she is missing. 

 

Edited December 21, 2018 by purerogue

[Jamie Universe]

I'm not you, and I don't know the situation as well as you do. But as far as changing, the key to break the inevitable laziness barrier (at least for me) was to start off at level 0.001 in what you can do, and then push little boundaries. For example if you wanted to be more responsible, the next time you go to bed without brushing your teeth rise you right arm 10 times up and down, and just tell yourself "I can do something" Since will power I find can be based off of previous life experience, I've been rehearsing and doing work from 7 hours to up to 13 hours a day sometimes, and now I enjoy working harder, and if I wanted to do something really hard I could do it right now, because I know I'm capable, also I think I read somewhere that will power is like a muscle, so starting off where you can and working yourself up, will help you make the changes you want to make. If that doesn't apply the #1 thing to do is identify the problem and its cause, sometimes change is involved by personal beliefs, time problems.

 

There's a lot of factors with motivation/will power

- do you think its important? / think about why you aren't doing what you need too

    - I was very resistant to meditating, then one day I contemplated and the two main things were "why is meditation important?" and "what is preventing me from meditating?" and then after that contemplation I meditated 20 minutes, and started to continue everyday and that was like 2/3 of a year ago

- have something to hold yourself too

    - like a bet, if you lose the bet, than maybe you lose money, there's a reason to care, which results in action

 

 

As far as for the actual problem I suggest watching Leo's video's on

- affirmations / visualizations

- how to be a strategic mother fucker

- maybe his video about victim thinking