Disconnected from my family

[bejapuskas]

Hey everyone. 

Nowadays, I have been doing so many things on my own or with friends outside family. I used to call my grandma almost everyday, but now we have no common ground. My mum has the same problem. They also want me to go to church, but I don't really value their kind of faith. They always ask me about school and how I feel, but I hate talking about school and people can usually see how I feel when they see my face. I am also not really interested in simple conversations like this, they are just meaningless for me. When I was a kid and I played video games, they also weren't interested, now it's the exact same thing with Spiral Dynamics etc., I don't understand, what do they want to discuss.

They think that I don't love them and want me to express my feelings more, but I just don't feel like talking almost ever. (if people have no interesting theme to talk about with me) I sound and feel very selfish about my behavior, but I don't feel any guilt and my mum hates it, she literally wishes for me to suffer from it, she said it out loud. I don't know what to do.

I feel compassion for my grandma and I will be calling her more, but my mum just turned into a very bossy person, since my brother started going to grammar school (harder than his previous school), she is just obsessed about what his teachers think of him and she always tells him to learn for like 4 hours a day. I tried to help her solve these problems, but she isn't interested, she thinks that I am going insane, just as my dad does.

I also think that I am going insane sometimes, but it usually goes away quickly and then I feel amazing for the other part of the day. Can anyone please explain to me, what is happening?

[Sahil Pandit]

@bejapuskas It sounds to me like a clash of values, which often times drives people apart. The key is not to get bitter or resentful about it, but to understand the group dynamic that is taking place. It sounds to me that your parents are stage blue in the spiral, which my parents are too. You can't really expect them to truly understand what you're going through and why you feel the way you do.

Realize that this journey can get lonely at times, so you need to console yourself and give yourself self love. Why? So that you can interact when needed in these relationships accordingly and without underlying feelings that sour the relationships.

You're not going insane, you just aren't willing to conform to someone else's value system. 

[bejapuskas]

@Sahil Pandit  That's probably quite accurate. Well, I need to solve my own shit first... Is there a way for me to get what I want without making them feel like bad parents? 

[Sahil Pandit]

@bejapuskas The answer in my experience is increasing your capacity to experience emotions. Whether it be good or bad. 

You need to accept responsibility, rise up the challenge, and be the bigger person.

This doesn't have to happen over night, but slowly but surely work on your assertiveness and capacity to stay present during times of disagreements. 

[bejapuskas]

I started journalling today and I am pulling up all this dark shit from myself. Thanks for advice, I am just a liar.  

[okulele]

@bejapuskas It's a systemic problem Your family lacks the ground for good communication. Mine had the same problem, we were arguing and every time we talked it was just pointing fingers and lecturing each other. Here is what I suggested and what we are practicing together every day:

Each day at 8 PM we all get together. One by one we talk about: our day generally, what good thing happened to us that day, what bad thing happened to us that day, what we learned that day. Each person's turn takes usually about 5-7 minutes. The others don't comment much, for sure don't criticize. Everyone knows that this is a time for expressing ourselves and giving our attention to the other.

This is making a big change a lot. I am not saying our relationships are perfect now, but getting together each day and allowing this space for hearing the other person out and recognizing that there is a real human being in there, is so valuable.

I explained when suggesting this that I see that our communication sucks and would like to make it better. My family agreed with me on this. I suggested that we do this and make it easier for everyone of us. It was not me imposing this on the family, all of us see the value. Even when we are not getting along well that day and don't want to talk, someone gathers the courage everyday and starts this process because it is important for us.

Maybe try it out?

Edited December 22, 2018 by okulele

[bejapuskas]

@okulele  That's a great idea, but it will be hard to make it work.  I actually don't feel like talking with them at all, but it is probably worth to try at least once... Maybe I don't enjoy their company because they have always been there and I take them for granted? It just popped up in my mind...

What exactly do you talk about? Do you ever say what you dislike about the others? Do you discuss the problems? Are you trying to be 100% honest and direct in the conversation and say everything you think?

[okulele]

@bejapuskas The idea is that every one addresses these 4 points:

1. General experience of the day.
2. Something pleasant that happened that day.
3. Something unpleasant that happened that day.
4. Something learned that day.

There is no discussing problems with each other for once. There is no discussing in fact. It's one person at a time talking about what his life is like from his perspective. The rest is there just to listen.

The idea is for everyone to express themselves however they like in these four simple points and the rest just to listen. Simple! Very simple! Just telling your story and listening to the story of others. Seeing the humanness in your family

[bejapuskas]

@okulele It's a nice idea, I like it, but I cannot imagine, that my parents and brother won't discuss these points after the discussion... They just care TOO much about what others think.  They give up their emotional health for their quality of life easily... Can this make the problem even worse or do you think that it can solve it?

[okulele]

@bejapuskas I think if you all agree on the fact that a 20 minutes a day for listening only and no fighting is beneficial, you will all do your best.

Of course, you won't be perfect. Many times my brother gets upset during these talks and walks out (he's 16), but we do our best to learn from this and try to honor the listening only and no fighting time the next day.

It's a learning, healing process. I think the crucial thing is that all of you get just how good it could be to have this common ground every day. If all of you get it, you will try again and again, each day and you will be getting better and better at understanding and accepting each other.

[bejapuskas]

@okulele That's interesting. I feel like I am running away from these problems. I usually do my own thing, then they ask me to come, but I am too lazy to come, and when I come they usually argue, shout or discuss meaningless topics, that they don't even understand. I should probably take the responsibility onto myself.

[okulele]

@bejapuskas Good luck