Why Do I Get So Nervous in Public?

[kindayellow]

Recently I've become more aware of how I feel in social situations, I was waiting in line at the Post Office waiting to send a package, and I could feel my thoughts racing about stuff like what if someone comes up behind me or confronts me, I think I have a fear of confrontation and that's something I'm gradually trying to work on. I was at the dentist, and for one I was late for my check up, and I was waiting to talk to the receptionist, and I could feel my breathing getting lighter and pressure building up in my chest, and I tried breathing deeper, but I just felt so rushed to say what I wanted to say to this receptionist and sometimes my voice will crack, I've had trouble in the past with panic attacks when I've been very stressed but I'd really appreciate someone else's analysis/personal experience with similar difficulties!

[Sahil Pandit]

@kindayellow Do you know your MBTI? 

[EternalForest]

I'll tell you a secret, It's actually quite challenging to legitimately get people's attention. Most people around you aren't even paying attention to you, and if they are, it's for a brief few seconds before they go back and do their own thing and they forget they even saw you. Focus on what you're doing, don't worry about everyone else around you because they're focused on their own thing anyway.

[Rilles]

I have the same problem more or less

[kindayellow]

@Sahil Pandit  INTJ

[LastThursday]

@kindayellow what's the worst thing that could happen in a confrontation?

[kindayellow]

Just now, LastThursday said:

@kindayellow what's the worst thing that could happen in a confrontation?

I believe its the fear of the confrontation more than confrontation itself. I have the irrational thought that someone wants to fight me, and realistically, It'd be unlikely I suffer any permanent bodily damage as the result of a fight in public, other people in public would be likely to break up a fight before it escalates, I'd like to think I'd be pretty good at diffusing a confrontation and I always would try and diffuse it if one ever came up.  

[LastThursday]

@kindayellow So the logical/rational part of you is functioning well. What about the light breathing, pressure building in the chest part of you?  How is it helping you to survive in a confrontation?

Have you ever had a real fight? Have you thought of taking up self defense classes or a martial art?

Edited December 20, 2018 by LastThursday

[xoxoxwillxoxox]

You gotta push yourself to be more expressive around other people, or at least more receptive. Listen to others, and when you feel like you have something to say, say it! If nothing to say comes to mind, then at least give them your full attention, without worrying what they're thinking of you. Worrying about what other people are thinking of you only makes interaction less productive. People want your attention, so give it to them, and they'll love you for it.

[kindayellow]

11 hours ago, LastThursday said:

@kindayellow So the logical/rational part of you is functioning well. What about the light breathing, pressure building in the chest part of you?  How is it helping you to survive in a confrontation?

Have you ever had a real fight? Have you thought of taking up self defense classes or a martial art?

I had a fight when I was 11 lol (18 now), and I got into a confrontation last year with someone that was 25 and tried to rob me and threatened to stab me just for looking at him walking past in a shopping centre. This is obviously incomparable with taking actual classes but, I've thought about carrying a tactical pen around to use in self defence, its just that whilst legal, in the UK, anything can be an offensive weapon if carried with the intent of using it to hurt someone even in self defence. What I currently do now is carry a Swiss army type attachment to my key chain with a screwdriver and at night I have a flashlight that would also suffice in self defence, I just carry them as a just in case and also to protect me and my dog (most of the time I'm out is to walk my dog) and I wanna make sure me and my dog are safe, I am aware of this being neurotic behaviour, its just my current coping mechanism and obviously trying to work on solving my problem

[PsiloPutty]

Unless you live in downtown Detroit or some other violent place, I think it sounds like you're hyper-focused on physical encounters. Where does it come from? Do you watch violent movies or TV shows? Do you play violent video games? You fantasize about fighting for a reason, and you need to find out the reason and then change that aspect(s) of your life. You're unconsciously fanning the very flames that you want extinguished. I used to be like that.....almost exactly how you describe. I don't know if it'll work for you, but my first couple psychedelic trips changed my mind in regard to that issue. I did an absolute 180 turn.

[kindayellow]

I live in North Wales (UK), north wales has a pretty moderate crime rate, sexual offences are unusually high but thats irrelevant. I have people I'm no longer friends with because I didn't fit in and they all seem to resent me, I've ran through this in my head and from being in that group where we would hate people, its not a real hate, its just out of  boredom, but when im out im just concerned ill see them. I was originally more nervous about that when I saw 6 months on, they were posting stuff on social media about me and the fact they all know where I live, but to a degree its still an issue for me, so I think they're a big factor knowing that there's people out there that may potentially want to confront me as a group

[JohnnyRocket]

I recently finished a short audiobook based on Adlerian Philosopy/psychology that very effectively addressed some of my own issues with social anxiety. It was the first time I had even heard of Alfred Adler.

The book is “The Courage to be disliked” by Ichiro Kashimi & Fumitake Koga.

I wonder if Leo has any insight into Adler.

[universe]

Focus on the inward. Giving other people attention gives them power. Also your problem could stem from a lack of confidence and self esteem.

To your particular problem with "gangs" in your "town", either accept it fully or move away. Thats what I would do. But I dont think they will be as much of a problem when you get to a healthy confidence level.

Edited December 22, 2018 by universe

[Charlotte]

@kindayellow  The Power of now - Eckhart Tolle ❤️

[LastThursday]

23 hours ago, kindayellow said:

I got into a confrontation last year with someone that was 25 and tried to rob me and threatened to stab me just for looking at him walking past in a shopping centre.

Your level of anxiety is perfectly natural, although it may feel unpleasant.

As an example, I grew up in rough part of inner London, where the likelihood of confrontation was quite high. Where I went to school the fear of mugging or being held at knife point was also quite high, often by people I went to school with! Knives and air-rifles would covertly be carried on school grounds. There were often stories of murders locally and people openly using drugs or having sex in the local housing estates.

Being a defenceless skinny teenager in those circumstances, the only thing you can do is be hyper-vigilant and learn to keep out of certain areas and away from certain people. The consequence is you have a constant level of anxiety and thoughts of confrontation and playing out scenarios go around in your head all the time.

So the anxiety servers a purpose, it's to keep you safe.

Social media exacerbates the situation, because it makes it harder to avoid people. And you feel you're constantly being 'watched'.

I only mentioned self defence because it will empower you in a physical confrontation and give you mental confidence that you can take care of yourself. This may reduce the anxiety. I'd also advocate starting a regular meditation or mindfulness habit, it will give you a 'space' away from the anxious thoughts.

[kindayellow]

12 hours ago, LastThursday said:

Your level of anxiety is perfectly natural, although it may feel unpleasant.

As an example, I grew up in rough part of inner London, where the likelihood of confrontation was quite high. Where I went to school the fear of mugging or being held at knife point was also quite high, often by people I went to school with! Knives and air-rifles would covertly be carried on school grounds. There were often stories of murders locally and people openly using drugs or having sex in the local housing estates.

Being a defenceless skinny teenager in those circumstances, the only thing you can do is be hyper-vigilant and learn to keep out of certain areas and away from certain people. The consequence is you have a constant level of anxiety and thoughts of confrontation and playing out scenarios go around in your head all the time.

So the anxiety servers a purpose, it's to keep you safe.

Social media exacerbates the situation, because it makes it harder to avoid people. And you feel you're constantly being 'watched'.

I only mentioned self defence because it will empower you in a physical confrontation and give you mental confidence that you can take care of yourself. This may reduce the anxiety. I'd also advocate starting a regular meditation or mindfulness habit, it will give you a 'space' away from the anxious thoughts.

good advice overall thank you, but from one of leo's videos about unconditional happiness, he pointed out that you can be happy during anything and still take the correct course of action without feeling sad or worried or afraid. So I'd like to be in a place where I'm still able to take the correct actions to prevent confrontation, but not live in fear of confrontation, and to be aware of my surroundings, but not to be stressed about it and scared, see what im saying?

[LastThursday]

On 22/12/2018 at 0:25 AM, kindayellow said:

he pointed out that you can be happy during anything and still take the correct course of action without feeling sad or worried or afraid.

For sure. That is the ultimate way of being; it will take a lot of work on yourself to get there though. And until you get there (which I'm sure  you will), you can learn other skills that will improve your situation.

I guess I'm just being pragmatic, having experienced a similar situation to you. For example, if you're swimming in shark infested waters, then fear is a good emotion to have. Spirituality won't save you at first, being a stronger swimmer will. Once you're a stronger swimmer, then you can be spiritually cool, calm and collected and make better decisions.

 

Edited December 23, 2018 by LastThursday

[kindayellow]

yeah you're right, I guess sometimes I limit myself by aiming too high and not reaping the full benefits because whilst I understand it, its something else to fully apply it because I'm not as advanced yet, so i should really be doing stuff i can do now and gradually move up over time to another level,  I guess part of me doesnt want to do things I know arent the full truth even though theyre the next step

[Hellspeed]

Maybe you had traumas from little kid. 

This happens from a state of non acceptance really.

A tough personallity that only want thing a certain way only.

As i said, maybe the root are traumas, that unleash the fear and behaviour.