Feeling unworthy of receiving the gifts of life (kinda)

[ivankiss]

This may not be a serious emotional problem, but it certainly feels uncomfortable.

The past two years have been all about trancending limitations and becoming the aunthentic self. It has been both a process of personal development as well as spiritual expansion. 

It was quick, intense and messy. Two years felt like twenty. Everything was deleted - wiped out. I literally had nothing but blind faith and love.

Turns out; that was exactly what it took me to transform. 

I am arriving here and now. Full time. For the first time. I see all the gifts getting closer; confirming the shift. I am about to receive everything I ever wanted. And I mean everything. I barely see any limits left. Yet I struggle to fully embody this new frequency and maintain it effortlessly. I feel exhausted of all the hard work during theese two years. And I also tend to get hyped way too fast, way too much about all the beauty and freedom "heading my way". I tend to spend a lot of time in imaginationland; fantasizing about what is yet to be. I don't blame myself. It is allowed. I like it. But it may not be wise to spend too much time this way now. 

I know grounding is what it is all about now. I desire to be here; now. It is the only place where I can be what I know I am. But I have this weird sensation I'm overlooking something. I am struggling to fully believe I finally "made it". I know I did, but the echo is still loud.

Should I be with the past version of me as it is dying? Or should I just know it is dying and shift my focus elsewhere? Is physical activty desired in these states? Or is rest more recomanded? Is fantasy/visualization yay or nay? Should there be mindfulness only?

Thank you, much love.

Edited December 17, 2018 by ivankiss

[Equanimitize]

3 hours ago, ivankiss said:

Should I be with the past version of me as it is dying?

Sure, if it comes up again. The key is NO resistance. Just allow it to be there and when it decides to leave let it leave with no judgement just awareness. 

 

3 hours ago, ivankiss said:

Or should I just know it is dying and shift my focus elsewhere?

You can do this, recognize that it is all an illusion and put your focus where ever it needs to go in the present moment. 

3 hours ago, ivankiss said:

Is physical activty desired in these states? Or is rest more recomanded?

Listen to your body, it will tell you what it wants, where it's weak, where it needs alignment, etc. 

 

3 hours ago, ivankiss said:

Is fantasy/visualization yay or nay?

Visualization is extremely powerful, just have to make sure you align action with the visualization. 

 

3 hours ago, ivankiss said:

Should there be mindfulness only?

Practicing your mindfulness muscle is huge, especially in times of pain-that's where a lot of growth happens. It's good to practice one technique and then move on to the next as you don't want to overburden yourself with different things-this is my "problem" as theres so much to do. 

[ajasatya]

@ivankiss be patient. mastery takes decades of practice. you're just beginning.

to be more precise, we're beginning in every instant.

[ivankiss]

Thank you @Equanimitize

Your suggestions resonate deeply. 

There is a lot of questions being answered instantly. I often observe thoughts rising up and turning to dust. I am awere when I "get lost in thoughts". But I am not sure when exactly did I start thinking. 

Is feeling like "I" should be able to think at will and have clear, articulate thoughts wrong? Is wanting them not to be messy and overlaid bad? Am I imposing control in any shape or form by wanting this?

Can I be here and now fully and still be "me"?

[ivankiss]

1 hour ago, ajasatya said:

@ivankiss be patient. mastery takes decades of practice. you're just beginning.

to be more precise, we're beginning in every instant.

I am not claiming the journey has ended. I know it is never-ending. I embrace that. I love the idea of eternal expansion and growth. 

I do emphasize patience, balance and steadiness. But I also experience confusion and "turbulance", so to speak. 

I guess I just want a smooth transition heh.

Thank you for your pointers

[ajasatya]

1 minute ago, ivankiss said:

But I also experience confusion and "turbulance", so to speak. 

I guess I just want a smooth transition heh.

you can transition into smoothness/gracefulness slowly. but the mind is a big and complex thing thus it cannot be changed without turbulence.

[ivankiss]

@ajasatya Thank you, that makes sense.

I also experience the concepts of past and future fading away. As soon as I notice a thought about the past or future another giant thought rises up, saying: "these are ideas. They do not actually exist". Then I would shift my awarness to here and now. This "process" tends to be somewhat draining and annoying. Is it...normal?

I am noticing I do not pay attention to time anymore. Weeks have no meaning. Everyday is today. And it is not a day. It is a moment.

When I wake up in the morning it feels like I am waking up for the very first time. 

When I go to sleep, I have the feeling I am about to sleep for centuries. It's just so different.

I struggle fully leaving the idea of being human behind. I often feel everything as it is happening within me. I am creating all these sounds and movements arround me, within me. I even speak to myself using other people's mouth, so to speak. It's so strange, now that it is obvious; kinda.

Is there any way I can be more gentle with myself in this process?

 

[ajasatya]

44 minutes ago, ivankiss said:

This "process" tends to be somewhat draining and annoying. Is it...normal?

yes it's normal because you're not actually becoming free from past and future yet. you're just inserting a new thought into your mental pattern that's conflicting with your old/current pattern.

you gotta get out of the mind games altogether. once you experience complete emptiness of mind you'll understand. all you need is a glimpse to really know what you're going after.

Edited December 17, 2018 by ajasatya

[ivankiss]

@ajasatya Thank you. I see what you mean 

[Equanimitize]

 

22 hours ago, ivankiss said:

Is feeling like "I" should be able to think at will and have clear, articulate thoughts wrong? Is wanting them not to be messy and overlaid bad?

I don't think so, having clear articulate thoughts is a good thing. Although, you have to be careful with "should" that implies that you want something to be other than what is-which can lead to suffering. 

 

22 hours ago, ivankiss said:

Am I imposing control in any shape or form by wanting this?

Only you know this.

 

22 hours ago, ivankiss said:

Can I be here and now fully and still be "me"?

Being in the here and now is the true you. It's the only thing that has ever remained since you came into this vehicle (body) that you were issued.