150 μg AL-LAD Trip Report - Truth for Truth's sake

[cle103]

Hey guys, earlier this day I took one tab of AL-LAD (approx. 150 μg) and I thought I'd share my experience. 

I took it on an empty stomach after waking up. The onset was about 60 minutes. This was my 8th psychedelic experience (6x shrooms, 2x AL-LAD). 

The evening before I set the following intentions:

• Grow as a person and integrate past traumas.
• What is Truth? 
• What should I eat (what is the proper diet for me) (yes, seriously). 

All of the above got addressed in the trip. So I'll go through them one by one. 

 

1. Starting with the least important - What should I eat?  

I'll keep it short, bc. the other topics are more juicy: I never had struggles with my diet, however the last days my stomach was kinda upset. So I set the intention to investigate further. In short the answer was: Be more aware. Eat even less (not none) dairy and less processed stuff. I had a piece of chocolate mid-trip plus a banana and I just realized how perfectly nourishing the fruit was, whereas the chocolate was SO sweet it was almost disgusting. 

 

2. Grow as a person and integrate past traumas.

This was an interesting one. I had two past memories come up. In one there was a kid trying to bully me (I was 6 or so). However he was the loner and I was with my friend. He never got through to me and I just realized that he wanted to belong to us and that he just wanted to be loved. I didn't even know that this was a trauma (!) as I almost forgot about the memory and never would've thought it would be traumatic.

However, and that was the most interesting part, I visited this particular scene again and I saw that a part of me splintered off there. And when I went through it the fragment re-integrated with me. This was absolutely fascinating (months before I read Teal Swan's Completion Process and it felt exactly as she describes it). 

Then there was a different scene where I was about 15 or 16 and someone I knew for years wanted to pick a fight with me and my group of friends. We did not want to fight him and his friend so we left the football field where the scene took place. As I visited the field again I saw how it could have ended. There was blood and violence. I realized that it was wise for us to leave and that this person was so full of pain that chances are rare he will be saved, ever. That was sad, as he wanted to be loved as well but had so much pain, that I could never do anything but send him love. 

This love theme expanded as I realized that everything that "evil" people do is for love. I had a crystal clear image of Hitler and I saw the suffering he inflicted but I could not hate him. There was only love. 

 

2.1. Fear of Spiders

Whilst on the topic of love and hate, I also confronted my fear of spiders. I'm not hysterical about it but I keep a good distance from them. Again I was sent to a past memory where there was a particulary "beautiful" fella sitting in our basement (I was about 17 I think). I tried to catch it but it was about 2-3 inches big and in the final moment I chickened out as my "friend" ran for his life (probably going on a mission to kill some rats lol).

In this scene I switched perspectives and became the spider and re-experienced the exact scene from it's point of view (try telling that your therapist). I don't know if that cured my anxiety forever as I haven't seen a spider yet but it definitely showed me a different perspective (image how scary a human is for a spider). And also realized how irrational (this) fear is. 

 

3. What is Truth? 

Now we get into the meat of this trip. Oh, boy. 

About 2.5 hours in I realized that the ONLY thing worth pursuing in life is Truth. There is nothing else. Everything else is a misguided search for Truth or just plain distraction (both are the same in the end). 

• I thought about my life and career - Distraction. 
• Pursuing sex and women - Truth! Just kidding... a heaping pile of distraction. 
• Health and fitness - Whilst it's important to take care of your meat vehicle it is ultimately a distraction. 
• EVEN happiness is a distraction! 

I realized that there is nothing left to do but to search for Truth. So I went on my way. I might have asked "What is Truth" one million times in the 8 hours that the trip lasted (not kidding!). 

Unfortunately I didn't find it... but I learned a lot: 

• What if Truth is ugly - Would you still want it?  
• What if Truth is immeasurable suffering - Would you still want it? 
• What if Truth is pure insanity - Would you still want it? 
• What if Truth is A LIE? - Would you still want it? 
• What if Truth is death? - Would you still want it? 

The answer is yes (at least it was for me). 

I went trough them one by one. I was shown immense suffering (being eaten alive in the most painful way). I was also shown insanity. And I also confronted the possibility that Truth could be a lie (that was a tricky one). With the last one I had the sensation that something was slitting my throat. I was ready to die and tried. I wanted to let go but I just could not. 

So I just banged my head against the wall over and over again, trying to think my way to Truth. I also looked at my hand for about two hours and saw all kinds of weird shit happen (visuals, morphing, one time there was an eye on one of my fingers and at one time my hand disappeared literally for a couple of seconds). 

I realized that Truth could only be HERE and NOW. As everything else is illusion (room/space, time, ...). But I did not break through. 

This was frustrating to say the least. However between my last trip and this trip I got a real sense for what true self inquiry is. If done properly it happens by itself. No thinking. The question emerges in silence and gets answered in silence not thought. Thought can only bring you to the edge. You can either try to brute force it by thinking and asking over and over again (as I did here)... hoping for the ego to give the f up... or you can do it in silence (much more productive). 

 

All in all... 

The main thing I got out of this is that Truth is the only worthwhile pursuit (not to say that nothing else matters but it kind of does lol). I am humbled and thankful for the lessons learned but not satisfied. 

Hope you enjoyed! 

Much love. 

- Cheers

 

P.S. One of the trippiest things I've ever done in my entire life is to look into the mirror whilst on the substance. Get real close. Look yourself in the eyes. See your own reflection in your own pupils. Realize that it's a reflection of a reflection of whatever. Realize that you've never seen your body for real. Freak the f out. 

 

Edited December 15, 2018 by cle103
Formatting

[Nahm]

?

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Great share, thank you!

[Leo Gura]

Truth is just exactly everything that is occurring this moment.

Truth is not a concept. It is that out of which the present moment is made.

[who chit]

38 minutes ago, cle103 said:

I got a real sense for what true self inquiry is. If done properly it happens by itself. No thinking. The question emerges in silence and gets answered in silence not thought.  You can either try to brute force it by thinking and asking over and over again (as I did here)... hoping for the ego to give the f up... or you can do it in silence (much more productive). 

Beautiful. The primordial intelligence or source of knowledge is in that deep silence. Takes a little more time but a consistent effective practice will get one there. 
I've never done psychs' but this is a good testimony for them. 

Thanks for sharing.

[who chit]

Quote

You can either try to brute force it by thinking and asking over and over again (as I did here)... hoping for the ego to give the f up... 

Ime, some form of meditation or practice that will build a consistent, inner state of silence or quietude, is indispensable before taking on inquiry. Not many people are equipped to take on self inquiry as a stand alone path. Especially those new to spirituality. They watch some non duel vid., or someone like Krishnamurti, Spira ,or Mooji. saying don't make any effort, and then think they don't have to put in some effort.They should know that the aforementioned put in significant effort themselves,before preaching a "no effort, nothing to do" model to enlightenment. Through effort, one will eventually come to no effort. There's just no such thing as a "quick fix to enlightenment".  
 
Glad you didn't crack your skull,lol. 

Edited December 16, 2018 by who chit

[purerogue]

Very interesting read, you are doing great , just do not relay only on drugs, you have to expand your own possibilities. 

I can not name my reasons, but Truth is something on line of insanity from what I have experienced, I might be wrong, but it does make sense, it is easy to accept good things about life, but there are allot of things that would seem far from good if you are not ready to experience them. 

[Jack River]

The no effort refered to does not imply a quick fix. It’s actually the other way around. 

Effort/control/cultivation brings about conflict because there is a progressive movement that subtly resist what is to the what should be. Psychological becoming. 

No effort is essential to coming to a consistently still mind. 

To not get caught in the cultivation of effort/time is much more difficult than to run the usual habitual cycle of psychological evolution. 

Effort sustains the divison between “me” and “my” thoughts. 

 

 

 

Edited December 16, 2018 by Jack River

[Jack River]

 This Effort is very misunderstood. People think it means be lazy but it’s actually the contrary. A self is/implies effort. So to not move within that limited field of time is quite something fosho. 

No effort implies not even moving towards any goal at all. So “enlightenment” is not even in ones mind at all. No effort means to observe what is. And to obseve without estimation. 

The sooner we see holistically this, the sooner we end that time bound continuity of effort. 

Some may never get it, some may eventually see, some see from the very beginning. 

Edited December 16, 2018 by Jack River

[purerogue]

Still mind does not free you from subconscious mind, you can have as still mind as you want, when faced with dark side you will wet your pants, consciousness is more complex then you think, sure you can go Enlightenment route and surrender to life and watch it pass and believe that you have no ego. 

Edited December 16, 2018 by purerogue

[Jack River]

Enlightenment on the brain is to narrow.

Observe without motive or direction(the past) what is as it is. 

Understand the entirety of what is. 

Or escape to your fixed projection of enlightenment. 

 

 

[purerogue]

You are making your own projection now. 

[Jack River]

I know, it’s not romantic enough.

[who chit]

14 minutes ago, Jack River said:

Observe without motive or direction(the past) what is as it is. 

Understand the entirety of what is. 
 

Or escape to your fixed projection of enlightenment. 

 

Slow down there killer. Making assumptions for a so called "fixed projection of enlightenment" isn't very becoming,nor true.
I'm well acquainted with Krishnamurti's work. Have been for years. So the observe without the observer way is not something new. Again it's just witnessing thought. I'm not saying witnessing isn't a verifiable way,I've used it.
There's more than this one way out there. And they all lead to same thing.
 

[who chit]

 Btw, Krish didn't come to the liberated state (the E word), of mind through observing thought. It was through kundalini and meditating 30 min. a day.  Anyway, all meditative methods lead to the same thing,stilling and quieting the mind, including observing .

if you want to brush up on Krish
https://www.theosophical.org/publications/quest-magazine/3746

Edited December 16, 2018 by who chit

[Jack River]

17 minutes ago, who chit said:

Making assumptions for a so called "fixed projection of enlightenment" isn't very becoming,nor true

It’s the basic structure of a self(the past) to project its fixed image and pursue it. 

19 minutes ago, who chit said:

I'm not saying witnessing isn't a verifiable way,I've used it.
There's more than this one way out there. And they all lead to same thing.

A motive/way in itself means image projection. What ever thing your saying all these ways lead to is not he point. 

A self gets what you already knows/wants dude. What ever that “thing” may be. 

Observing without the past implies no truly no particular destination/end in mind. Observing for observing sake. 

 

[Jack River]

Just now, who chit said:

 Btw, Krish didn't come to the still,quiet liberated state (the E word), of mind through observing thought. It was through kundalini and meditating 30 min. a day.  Anyway, all meditative methods lead to the same thing,stilling and quieting the mind, including observing .

if you want to brush up on Krish
https://www.theosophical.org/publications/quest-magazine/3746

Observing/understanding the whole of thought is the beginning of meditation. 

Meditation he spoke of was not cultivated/habitual meditation dude. Sorry k didn’t meditate 30 min a day. Meditation as he and I do is all day everyday. Meditation is the understanding of living itself. 

[Jack River]

K knew that not to resist what is lead to this unfinite energy. Not to dissipate energy by contradicting desires/effort/conflict(time). 

Meditation never ends. Meditation is observing without the limitation of time(self-the past) which inherently implies no movement of self(effort/emotion-thought reaction. Awareness without positive/negative dynamic of choice as the chooser. 

 

Edited December 16, 2018 by Jack River

[Jack River]

I’m just speaking of this effort confusion. 

No movement of effort doesn’t imply quick fix. It’s actually very disciplined. But the discipline comes not from cultivation/conformity, it comes from never ending learning free of the past(self). 

This type of learning is discipline in itself. 

Edited December 16, 2018 by Jack River

[DrewNows]

13 minutes ago, who chit said:

if you want to brush up on Krish
https://www.theosophical.org/publications/quest-magazine/3746

Interesting, thanks! 

[who chit]

@Jack River Read the link. That's what it's there for.
 You're not saying anything that I don't already know. You seem to be trying to prove a point where isn't one,except to defend a fragile ego. Observe that. 

 

Edited December 16, 2018 by who chit