Ways to connect with my own femininity

[Annoynymous]

How can I connect with my own femininity?

[Emerald]

Find any points of resistance that you have toward women, feminine men, and other things that have a direct association with the feminine.. (i.e. the color pink, glitter, shopping, etc.)

And really try to find everything that you label as feminine and any subjective judgments and negative feeling you may have toward those things. Then, work on releasing resistance to them.

Then, also, you should look at how you define femininity. The societal definition of it has mostly to do with appearance. But the feminine is so much broader and deeper than that. 

So, discovering what is esoterically feminine will help, as society has a very distorted image of femininity. 

[Rilles]

Art, poetry, emotional videos or anything that gets emotions flowing, being childish and silly (usually is very feminine for me atleast), getting a small puppy

[Annoynymous]

@Emerald I sometimes feel that I don't understand feminine. I don't understand why some girls do what they do and find them illogical. For example, a girl who is attracted to me tends to complain a lot and always keep nagging about things. I find it difficult and very hard to cope with. Sometimes I get confused and think its going well, so why she is complaining? and the very same day she seemed to be completelyyl fine, which puts me in a puzzling situation. I kept wondering about her complains and the very next day she seemed to be okay as if nothing happened!  most of the times it stresses me out.

what is your thinking on that?

[Salvijus]

23 minutes ago, Annoynymous said:

How can I connect with my own femininity?

Put your hands together like this ? for a few minutes everyday. And generate sweet emotions to somebody or something. That's all it takes.

? 

[Emerald]

36 minutes ago, Annoynymous said:

@Emerald I sometimes feel that I don't understand feminine. I don't understand why some girls do what they do and find them illogical. For example, a girl who is attracted to me tends to complain a lot and always keep nagging about things. I find it difficult and very hard to cope with. Sometimes I get confused and think its going well, so why she is complaining? and the very same day she seemed to be completelyyl fine, which puts me in a puzzling situation. I kept wondering about her complains and the very next day she seemed to be okay as if nothing happened!  most of the times it stresses me out.

what is your thinking on that?

Perhaps the particular women that you're talking about don't know how to express their emotions or read their emotions very well. So, it comes out in an indirect kind of way that's very confusing and can be passive aggressive. I've seen a lot of women in this pattern before. But it comes from lack of personal developments and a dis-integrated masculine side on their part. So, it's not really your fault for not understanding them. They probably don't understand themselves or just can't communicate their understanding very well, and are just getting frustrated about that.

So, to understand what I mean, I want to explain women's and men's relationship to emotions (speaking very generally, of course) like this...

So, men and women have the same capacity for emotions and have the same emotions. So, women are not any more or less emotional than men are, and vice versa. There is no profound difference in the thing itself.

The difference has to do with he vantage point relative to those emotions.

Men tend to default to a further removed perspective relative to the emotional experience. So, if you imagine the emotional experience like it's a big city, imagine that the default masculine view of the city (aka emotions) is like a bird's eye view. This makes the emotions more vague and general so men are less sensitive and less likely to pick up on details and nuances. But it also makes men a lot more clear on their major emotions because they can more easily get a general sense of them without getting lost in the details. So, men tend to make decisions more quickly and easily and can communicate them more quickly and easily. It's very straightforward but lacking in nuance.

The default feminine perspective relative to the emotions is one that's very close up. So, in the city analogy it's the same city in the feminine pov. But instead of it being like the masculine bird's eye view, the feminine perspective is the view of someone walking around on the street. And they are more directly experiencing the subjective experience of what's happening. So, they are more sensitive and pick up on all the nuances of everything happening on the street. And they're experiencing so much relative to where they're at, that they may not be able to quantify the experience as easily as someone from the masculine perspective. They may get lost in all the nuance of the experience. 

So, out of the two, the feminine perspective is experiencing a more direct experience of emotions that is closer up and more nuanced. And because of this, it's much more difficult to read and has a steeper learning curve.

If the masculine experience of emotions is like reading "Clifford the Big Red Dog" and the feminine experience of emotions is like reading "War and Peace," then it is clear why men tend not to understand why women have a harder time being clear about things and communicating their emotions accurately.

Men tend to think as the stereotypes go, "Why does she struggle so much to read a kid's book. It's very simple. Clifford ran fast. What's so hard about that?" Meanwhile, she's not reading about Clifford at all. She's trying to read a huge thick book and understand what, "Kings are the slaves of history.” means. And this will be difficult if she's still working at a 2nd grade reading level... relative to her emotions of course.

And there's no "emotion school" out there. So, most women will unfortunately never develop that latent potential. At least not in my generation. 

Now, of course, this isn't necessarily a pure disadvantage for women. In fact, with the development of feminine skills, a woman can become quite adept at reading her emotions, and she will be able to provide emotional insights that are very profound. But society doesn't teach feminine skills like this. So, many women go through their lives completely misunderstanding themselves and as a result, everyone else does too... especially men.

So, what you're seeing is what happens when women haven't learned that skill. 

Also, learning that feminine skill is highly contingent upon integrating the masculine side and being able to utilize the masculine bird's-eye-view to put words and concepts to those otherwise subjective and intuitive experiences. Otherwise, the experience won't crystalize into a workable insight. 

So, the best thing for men and women is to find their natural default stance (mine is the feminine pov) and learn how to shift back and forth between those perspectives, so that we don't just get jammed into one viewpoint or the other. And it's this oscillation between the detached and close up picture that allows us to understand and master our emotions.

 

[Rilles]

Go to a psychodrama! That will get your deep emotions flowing, its amazing!

[Annoynymous]

@Rilles What is psychodrama?

[Annoynymous]

@Emerald It is always amazing to read your insights!

Besides that, what to do when I am dealing with this sort of women that I mentioned you earlier? besides that, what I have found where I live is that maximum women are like this. So what I can do whenever I engage with them intimately?  Or shall I find a woman who would be more personally developed? I think it will be pretty rare to find.

[Rilles]

@Annoynymous

You start by acting out a past trauma/event as in a play, after a while the subconscious cant tell the difference and real emotions start to bubble up. I went to one where a girl was acting out childhood trauma, she started crying and trashing around as if she was reliving the event. Pretty amazing.

If youre too masculine and out of touch with emotion this is a very good thing to try.

[Emerald]

2 hours ago, Annoynymous said:

@Emerald It is always amazing to read your insights!

Besides that, what to do when I am dealing with this sort of women that I mentioned you earlier? besides that, what I have found where I live is that maximum women are like this. So what I can do whenever I engage with them intimately?  Or shall I find a woman who would be more personally developed? I think it will be pretty rare to find.

I, as a person with over a decade of adulthood under my belt, would aim for the more personally developed woman if I were in the situation of picking a partner. To be with someone like that long-term could be very draining, as you'll always be "in trouble."

But if I recall, you're quite young. So, it's just really important for you to be social and get acquainted with dating. So, it wouldn't be a good idea to hold out for someone who meets that standard... especially who's your age, as it takes a while to develop one's self.

So, in dealing with a woman (or a man for that matter) who is acting passive aggressive or being very indirect and confusing, you'd want to approach them with a sense of being very solid and okay with them and unphased by their behavior.

In the past, when I was a teenager, I'd get a lot of girls being kind of catty and passive aggressive to me. And you could always tell when that kind of tension was in the air. So, I identified strongly with being above that kind of thing. So, I'd just do my best to be cool with that person regardless of their reaction, and I could almost always win them over and get them to trust me. And then I'd just be aware of things that could potentially set them off and minimize it. And I got a kick out of being able to roll with the punches and to be the laid back one. 

And this worked swimmingly for a casual friendship or acquaintanceship. Now, if I were in a relationship, it would be a bit more challenging since the level of closeness is much more extreme.

So, you'd probably have to get really good at accepting their volatile emotions, remaining laid back, and help them communicate and address their concerns/fears/needs/desires. And the latter thing is most important, as this is the reason why they're like that in the first place. They believe that you're somehow preventing them from understanding, expressing, and/or addressing these concerns/fears/needs/desires. So, this could get tiring.

So, you might find a happy medium where the woman is perhaps still under-developed in terms of emotional discernment but is actively interested in becoming a better person. 

Now, when I was in my first major relationship at 16, I was a bit like the girl that you're describing for about the first 5 or 6 months of the relationship. And this was the case despite identifying with being very laid back and always being cool with even the most challenging of behaviors. But at that point, my then-boyfriend would do just the smallest thing and I'd act like I was really upset... but I wasn't aware that I was acting. 

I realized it at about month 6 that I had been acting out this way because I was addicted to his reaction to it, since it gave me something that I needed but didn't know that I needed. 

So, if he were to accidentally bump into me, I would (unconsciously) act like I was very hurt. And I would do this because he would apologize to me and he would make sure that I felt okay, and he was genuinely sorry. This was something that I had subconsciously craved my entire life. I really wanted him to show me that he cared about going over my boundaries and that he cared about me enough to apologize and dote on me. It made me feel really good and safe.

So, I kept acting upset at things that I would never get upset about in a million years, simply because I craved his response. But after the first several months, I became conscious of this and realized that I was being very manipulative... and in the process making him very upset. So, once I became aware of it, I stopped. 

So, this could be the case with your girlfriend and why she's always getting upset at you. She may be unconsciously trying to manipulate you into showing her that you care about her, because she doesn't know that's what she actually wants. So, instead of coming right out and telling you what she wants, she automatically defaults into behaving a certain way to elicit a desired response out of you. 

[Annoynymous]

@Emerald  u recalled very well, I am going to be 24 next February.

well to be honest, I wanted to know girls. in the process of knowing, when I got intimate, I started to notice these patterns of behaviour. when I first told you in this thread about the behaviour, you replied and labelled it as "passive aggressive". that is where my problem is.

its like you instantly knew what these behaviour should be called and by naming it, one can come to the point of solutions. but when I was facing this, I didn't know what the hell was happening! as my motivation was to understand girls, I didn't quickly jumped onto judging and I was confused as well. so whenever she used to behave like this, I thought that maybe I am doing something wrong, maybe I don't understand certain things, that is why she is doing it. so this is my fault and I should fix this somehow. eventually I was burned out and it was gone.

When this complication started, I felt attraction was flying out of the window for me and I started feeling to run away from this situation and from her. I felt guilty and in my mind and started to blame her quietly. The good feeling that brought me toward her became bad feeling gradually and I started to feel bad about her. I end up thinking that she is manupulative insensitive dumb bitch. But I love her as well. it was a deep shit experience.

Atlast I am out of it, it broke off pretty badly 5 months ago, but I still feel I don't understand woman very well. Now I have this bad memory in my mind which makes me fearful about women and dating and all of that stuff. I feel lack of motivation to talk and date another woman.

So my question to you is what was my mistake in understanding women? and how I can unstuck myself from these situations and get motivated to approach and get intimate with women again? And you are welcome to give other insights besides my questions if you want to.

Thank you.