Dealing with shame

[Matteo]

Yesterday I went to a friend of mine to do rehearsals with our band, we are 4 members. I was feeling great and we were joking about various things while having breakfast. The main topic was picking up girls. Then, for some reasons, one of the members (a girl) started criticize me in a playful way, saying that the way I present myself would turn off girls. I wasn't concerned at all about that, because I knew that she was joking, and I was replying in a playful way also. But then she was persisting, and out of the blue I got hit by a huge feeling of shame and sadness. I felt that way the whole day, and it was awful.

I was trying to understand what happened, and what I came up with is that deep down I feel like I am a worthless, arrogant human being, which deserves to suffer.

I had that belief my whole life, but I thought it wasn't there anymore.

I don't know how to go about this. I cannot afford therapy at the moment because as a music producer I don't earn enough because I've just got started. I'm afraid to get a regular job, because I don't think I'm capable of functioning normally in a work environment like a restaurant or a supermarket, there are too many people and I don't know how to deal with them when they behave negatively, without being overwhelmed by huge negative emotions.

What can I try?

[purerogue]

To much to do, only thing I can say that it was your past trauma that surfaced, one that you have not got over with, you can try to fix it, but I am not sure you will be able to do it with current mentality.  

[Matteo]

@purerogue do you have any suggestions about how to fix it?

[ajasatya]

@Matteo you got lucky. you were triggered and now you're aware of things that you need to work on.

unfortunately, there's no easy fix.
fortunately, it's going to be a long dive into wisdom, detachment and growth

we're very familiar with the world of senses and actions and highly unfamiliar with the world of feelings and thoughts. have you started meditating yet?

if you're uncomfortable to explicit some details here, feel free to send me a pm.

[deadforever]

 

I'm listening to his book right now. Good stuff =)

[Colin]

[sgn]

@deadforever Yes good stuff.

I have VERY serious problems with shame from childhood and I have been looking for a way to deal with this for years.
I recently sourced the internet to find someone who is specialized helping people with shame, inner child healing etc.
I finally found a guy who seems good. I've been on a waiting list for 3  months but will start the therapy as soon as I finish filling in the questionnaire.
He offers video therapy, phone therapy, chat therapy and email counseling.
I will actually try email counseling in the beginning as it fits me right now for several reasons.
I know you said you don't have the money, but if you have in the future, maybe come back to this advice.
Or maybe someone else is interested.

http://serenityonlinetherapy.com/
https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCWTTl8jmrHrT1x0Zp6MiYHg

[Equanimitize]

Try and build some compassion for yourself, treat yourself like you would if you had children or an animal that you were trying to nurture.

Shame is not bad, only thinking it’s bad makes it so. Be gentle with yourself, everything is going to be okay. 

[Matteo]

@ajasatya I've been meditating for three years now, but I was consistent only for short periods of time. Right now, I'm doing a very basic practice that I learned from Sadhgruru's ashram (I've been there for three months this summer). I'm doing an 18 minutes meditation that they teach, two times a day, and then I do one cycle of Surya Namaskar in the morning. I discovered that unless I do very short practices, I get a lot of anxiety and I end up dropping them and find myself at the starting point again and again. In the ashram they told me that I may benefit from doing a lot of physical activity, because it will settle my energy system and allow me to practice more effectively. I would like one day to start doing regular meditations up to one hour a day, something like breath awareness, but right now I want to be totally consistent with what I'm already doing.

[purerogue]

What you need now is build up self confident side that that balance out one that is not and from there you can work further. 

Physical. activity might help you balance some things in your body , not sure if it will help you build up on strong personality you can relay on.  

[Zigzag Idiot]

I've received some good help through a self study of the Diamond Approach in regards to shame. The book excerpt I share below may seem harsh but shame which comes mostly from super-ego attacks is dealt with head on. Dealing with shame as one of the first things in work on self frees up a lot of energy that can then be applied to further horizontal and vertical growth.

Working with Shame

Let's suppose a man feels ashamed every time he feels tenderness toward another person. The superego attacks him with shame and belittling, according to the judgment that tenderness in a man means he is weak and feminine. To begin work on his superego, first the man needs to be aware of the attack, its content, and the content of the judgment. Then he needs to understand the judgment psychodynamically. For instance, he might remember that his father had the attitude that men should be tough, that tenderness belongs to girls and women. Here he understands that he introjected his father's attitude and made it part of his superego. He usually responds to this attitude, which is an attack on himself, with shame and repression. Now, in applying this method, he envisions his father and tells him, in his mind: "Daddy, go to hell! Who cares what you think of me?" Here he is dealing with his superego in a way he could not have dealt with his father in his childhood. He was not able to defend against his father because he believed him, was scared of him, and needed him. This method might not work the first time, but if it is done repeatedly, it will bring out the man's aggression, and he will be able to assert himself and separate from his father's attitude.

The defense needs to be intelligent to be effective. For instance, if the man responds with: "Father, it's not true I am feminine and weak. Tenderness is good and does not mean weakness or femininity," then he is being reasonable with a superego that is not really rational. Also, he probably has tried this response many times but without success because in this response the man is on the defensive; he is trying to justify his feeling and to account to somebody else for its being okay. Any justification already implies some guilt, and so it won't work. The response of "Daddy, go to hell" is effective because there is no attempt at explanation or justification and thus no implication of unconscious guilt. The man just throws back the attack and refuses to listen to its content. He completely disengages from the superego and does not give it any power over him.

Essence with the Elixir of Enlightenment, pg. 138

 

More excerpts about shame from A H Almaas Glossary

https://www.diamondapproach.org/glossary/refinery_phrases/shame

 

Getting more to the heart of it, excerpts about superego

https://www.diamondapproach.org/glossary/refinery_phrases/superego

 

I just recently discovered Leo's good work. I'm betting he's got a video related to this (super ego attacks) that I don't know about,,,,,

 

 

Edited December 19, 2018 by Zigzag Idiot

[deadforever]

I recently remebered that, about 20 years ago, I was sexually abused. The self deception is real. This explains so much for me. 

I was about eight years old and my parents had dinner with another couple at our house. They where sitting outside and drinking and I was watching TV or whatever. The lady of the couple got really drunk and started calling my name. I didn't wan't to go outside and talk to a drunk lady, but after I while I could not ignore her anymore.

As I'm standing before her, this drunken asshole pulls my pants and underwear down and starts laughing hysterically at my eight year old penis. I guess i ran inside and cried myself to sleep, I don't remember. Maybe more memories will come up after more meditation. 

 

This may be why I've been feeling so much shame. 

This may be why I've been numbing myself with alcohol and other shitty addictive stuff and behaivors. 

This may be why I've been fearing intemacy, etc., etc.

 

The memory came to me the other day when I was feeling A LOT of shame in another situation. It was a bit surreal. I was confused. What if I was wrong? Fortunately we live in the age of internet and I found this bitch on facebook, and I asked her an open question which confirmed my memory. I put the guilt and shame back to her and I feel some relief. 

 

Shame is a sneaky motherfucker 

 

[sgn]

@deadforever Damn. Thanks for sharing.